WTF: The Rite

Yeah. Rite.

Spoiler Alert:

Don’t read any further if you haven’t seen this movie. You’ll find out everything that happens and you won’t understand any of my super funny jokes.

Sitting on the sofa, eating dinner (fast food burritos and fries with samurai cheese sauce, if you must know) and settling down to see The Rite. I wanted to see it originally because I thought the poster looked cool. I missed it in the real movies because there were too many good films I wanted to see. Here’s my blow by blow. I have the rite.

02:13 Cool beginning with the opening credits. Somebody’s stuffing stuffing in a dead guy’s mouth. Rite on.

Would You Hit That? A Car Did!

03:24 Oops. Dead woman’s mouth. Dead women are so unattractive. Especially when they have clothes on. Cutest dead girl in the movies? Easy: Keira Knightley in The Hole. (You got any better ideas?)

06:02 Girl in short jean skirt carrying 2 beers shot from behind.

08:38 The guy becomes a priest. Oh yeah, this movie is gonna rock. If I were a Homosexual.

10:30 Priest questioning his faith and bailing at the beginning? What, is this a remake of The Exorcist?

10:34 I love car crashes that come out of nowhere. The first one I remember is Brad Pitt getting mowed down in Meeting Joe Black. The coolest one off the top of my head was Julianne Moore’s in that one movie. The Forgotten. (You got any better ideas?)

13:35 The average age of a nun is 69? What a coincidence, it’s also her favorite position.

14:21 The fundamental question at the basis of the movie: Why would the church choose a guy who lost his faith to go to Italy for an all expense paid exorcism class? In a nutshell, the movie’s answer is, “Because.” WTF, rite!?

16:25 Peeing priests. This movie takes gay to a whole new level. Niche soft porn. Very niche and very soft.

21:14 Exorcism 101: Demons possessing people don’t like crosses. Rite. Like he needed to go to Italy to learn this. Holy Shit.

Around 23:00 On the tape, the possessed German (how could they tell he was possessed?) is speaking English. They think it’s proof because George Bush speaks broken English too. They forgot that in The Rite, everyone in the Vatican exorcism class speaks English. WTF!?

This Is What Happens When You Let Oprah Sit On Your Face

27:16 Hot pregnant girl. Still rite there, riding that niche.

28:48 “Oh wait, you’re a priest with no faith and don’t believe in demonic possession? Yeah, you’re the guy I want on my team during the exorcism so I can change your mind because the whole universe revolves around your ass.” What the Hell?

29:30 Of course the hot girl is possessed. WTF else is new. I’ve been to California too, you know. [Bet #1: I bet the pregnancy is either fake or the devil’s baby spawn.]

30:48 Shit. My “backup” version didn’t download with subtitles. God damn it.

33:42 The priest answers his cell phone rite in the middle of an exorcism. Jesus Christ! WTF!?

36:42 I love movies from the 70’s. Especially the ones made last year. [Bet #2: I bet Anthony Hopkins is or becomes possessed.]

39:01 The journalist has great boobs. For someone who looks like a guy.

49:44 I’m starting to drift off. “Now I lay me down to sleep…”

54:16 Ooh, that’s so not rite. The priest tells the boy to lift his shirt. It’s just one cliché after another in this movie.

Little Damien Was Hypnotized To Break His Habit Of Setting Puppies On Fire With His Mind

1:12:06 Loud jumpy noises to keep me awake.

1:18:52 Young priest sees a room full of frogs and horses with red eyes disappear in front of him but he’s still skeptical.

1:21:59 Nice cinematography, I’ll give it that.

Father Balsac wears no underwear beneath his robes on breezy days.

1:22:43 Anthony Hopkins smacks a little girl in public and everyone thinks this is normal? WTF!? Oh wait. It’s Italy. My bad, continue on about your business.

1:29:43 Reverb echo with wawa. The Devil gets all the cool sound effects and should go on tour. Hell of a show.

1:33:27 The young priest must’ve found his faith when I was dozing. He probably found it deep inside himself. With Anthony Hopkins’ help.

“Don’t worry, Father, everyone has trouble raising their scepter one time or another.”

1:35:24 If I ever get possessed, please let it be by Mélanie Laurent who I’m sure is a demon witch she-bitch from hell but it’d be cozy to have her deep inside me using my soul as her ashtray.

1:42:33 This is the longest ad for the catholic church since The Passion.

1:44:03 LOL! The demon’s name is Balls! Or maybe it’s just his review of this movie.

1:45:16 Just enough time for an open ending (said the gay priest). [Bet #3.]

1:46:51 God but Anthony Hopkins is a good actor.

“Thank God for this huge toilet.”

1:49:50 No open ending and I’m pleasantly surprised.

Tally Ho’

  • Bets: I made 3 and lost 2 (I won bet about AH becoming possessed)
  • WTF!?s = 4
  • Worth: Download it for free and watch it on a Sunday night to fall asleep to before work Monday.

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

“Wow, chick out those Titular Sees.”
“I swear to God it’s an anal plug.”
I Make My Skin Crawl
I seriously am the hottest babe in this whole movie.
Blind Father Johnson Finds What He Believes Is His Suppository.
“No, Father, I think the Bieber separates the fingers for the paps.”
Another Priest In The Sheets
According to the Illustrated Kama Sutra, you gotta bend your leg the other way for The Sticky Frog.
“OK for the YMCA this time, but next time you’re taking me to a Motel 6.”
Wait, this isn’t “Debby Does the Diocese”!
In the version I saw, this was a woman named “Sandra”. I’m not kidding.
Fullscreen capture 07012014 221432.bmp
The Vatican Report linked The Rite to their website!

Al K Hall: i knew the new Pope was pretty laid back for a Holy Father, but that he would give the ‘thumbs up’ to “This is what happens when you let Oprah sit on your face”…? Fuckin’ A. And WTF!?

4 thoughts on “WTF: The Rite

    1. Amen, Brother Rodney!

      My humble gratitude and appreiction for your being the first to baptise this new site with a comment. Hope to see lots more of you.

      WTF (Watch the Film), man,

      Saint Pauly


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