Don’t read any further if you haven’t seen this movie. You’ll find out everything that happens and you won’t understand any of my super funny jokes.
Sitting on the sofa, eating dinner (fast food burritos and fries with samurai cheese sauce, if you must know) and settling down to see The Rite. I wanted to see it originally because I thought the poster looked cool. I missed it in the real movies because there were too many good films I wanted to see. Here’s my blow by blow. I have the rite.
02:13 Cool beginning with the opening credits. Somebody’s stuffing stuffing in a dead guy’s mouth. Rite on.
03:24 Oops. Dead woman’s mouth. Dead women are so unattractive. Especially when they have clothes on. Cutest dead girl in the movies? Easy: Keira Knightley in The Hole. (You got any better ideas?)
06:02 Girl in short jean skirt carrying 2 beers shot from behind.
08:38 The guy becomes a priest. Oh yeah, this movie is gonna rock. If I were a Homosexual.
10:30 Priest questioning his faith and bailing at the beginning? What, is this a remake of The Exorcist?
10:34 I love car crashes that come out of nowhere. The first one I remember is Brad Pitt getting mowed down in Meeting Joe Black. The coolest one off the top of my head was Julianne Moore’s in that one movie. The Forgotten. (You got any better ideas?)
13:35 The average age of a nun is 69? What a coincidence, it’s also her favorite position.
14:21 The fundamental question at the basis of the movie: Why would the church choose a guy who lost his faith to go to Italy for an all expense paid exorcism class? In a nutshell, the movie’s answer is, “Because.” WTF, rite!?
16:25 Peeing priests. This movie takes gay to a whole new level. Niche soft porn. Very niche and very soft.
21:14 Exorcism 101: Demons possessing people don’t like crosses. Rite. Like he needed to go to Italy to learn this. Holy Shit.
Around 23:00 On the tape, the possessed German (how could they tell he was possessed?) is speaking English. They think it’s proof because George Bush speaks broken English too. They forgot that in The Rite, everyone in the Vatican exorcism class speaks English. WTF!?
27:16 Hot pregnant girl. Still rite there, riding that niche.
28:48 “Oh wait, you’re a priest with no faith and don’t believe in demonic possession? Yeah, you’re the guy I want on my team during the exorcism so I can change your mind because the whole universe revolves around your ass.” What the Hell?
29:30 Of course the hot girl is possessed. WTF else is new. I’ve been to California too, you know. [Bet #1: I bet the pregnancy is either fake or the devil’s baby spawn.]
30:48 Shit. My “backup” version didn’t download with subtitles. God damn it.
33:42 The priest answers his cell phone rite in the middle of an exorcism. Jesus Christ! WTF!?
36:42 I love movies from the 70’s. Especially the ones made last year. [Bet #2: I bet Anthony Hopkins is or becomes possessed.]
39:01 The journalist has great boobs. For someone who looks like a guy.
49:44 I’m starting to drift off. “Now I lay me down to sleep…”
54:16 Ooh, that’s so not rite. The priest tells the boy to lift his shirt. It’s just one cliché after another in this movie.
1:12:06 Loud jumpy noises to keep me awake.
1:18:52 Young priest sees a room full of frogs and horses with red eyes disappear in front of him but he’s still skeptical.
1:21:59 Nice cinematography, I’ll give it that.
1:22:43 Anthony Hopkins smacks a little girl in public and everyone thinks this is normal? WTF!? Oh wait. It’s Italy. My bad, continue on about your business.
1:29:43 Reverb echo with wawa. The Devil gets all the cool sound effects and should go on tour. Hell of a show.
1:33:27 The young priest must’ve found his faith when I was dozing. He probably found it deep inside himself. With Anthony Hopkins’ help.
1:35:24 If I ever get possessed, please let it be by Mélanie Laurent who I’m sure is a demon witch she-bitch from hell but it’d be cozy to have her deep inside me using my soul as her ashtray.
1:42:33 This is the longest ad for the catholic church since The Passion.
1:44:03 LOL! The demon’s name is Balls! Or maybe it’s just his review of this movie.
1:45:16 Just enough time for an open ending (said the gay priest). [Bet #3.]
1:46:51 God but Anthony Hopkins is a good actor.
1:49:50 No open ending and I’m pleasantly surprised.
- Bets: I made 3 and lost 2 (I won bet about AH becoming possessed)
- WTF!?s = 4
- Worth: Download it for free and watch it on a Sunday night to fall asleep to before work Monday.
Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos
Al K Hall: i knew the new Pope was pretty laid back for a Holy Father, but that he would give the ‘thumbs up’ to “This is what happens when you let Oprah sit on your face”…? Fuckin’ A. And WTF!?