WTF: Transformers (2007)

Spielberg’s Profits.

Spoiler Alert:

Don’t read any further if you haven’t seen this movie. You’ll find out everything that happens and you won’t understand any of my super funny jokes.

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Transformers Meets Incontinence (TMI)

Why Alien Probes Are A Pain In The Ass

Tomorrow there’s a Close Encounter of the worst kind for I’ll be on the receiving end of my own, personal Alien Probe: I’m a (legal) alien and in 18 hours I shall be getting probed. Feel free to make me the butt of your jokes, but to prepare for this Alien Invasion I need to evacuate my escape hatch, scour my nether tube and deep clean my garbage chute. I’ve been given a magical potion that has me wearing easy access pajamas for emergency procedures and these circumstances seem ideal for the viewing of Transformers, the 2007 toy Steven Spielberg and Michael Bay metamorphosed into a gazillion dollar money making machine.

Transforming a Child’s Toy into Cold Hard Cash

The question your humble servitor will be addressing is, Is it the Medicine or the Movie causing the upset in my digestion?

0:00:08 It’s 12:53am. I’m in bed watching the opening credits on my smartphone and hoping the worst has already “passed”.

0:01:32 I forgot how much Opie’s (Optimus Prime) cheesy voice grates on my nerves. My insides curdle with each cliché.

0:03:12 What do war hardened GIs talk about on a mission in Qatar? Their kids and their moms’ cooking. Sorry, what war is this supposed to be? Are they going to storm the Smurf’s Castle riding My Little Ponies to recover the Rainbow Key from the Grinch?

Military Bending Over Drill–for the Heat of the Battle

0:05:08 The shots of planes and choppers are cool, though.

0:06:32 Ok. Yeah. The helicopter transforming and killing everything rocked my world war.

0:08:08 And it can throw tanks. Of course it can. #HellsYeah

Parkalator Loses His Valet Job

0:08:23 Why does the guy need binoculars to to see the 6-story robot standing on top of him?

0:09:56

“The ice is freezing faster than it’s melting.”

WTF!? How is it doing both at the same time?

0:11:48 Shia Pet is a half decent actor. I’m just not sure which half.

That’s What Shia Said

0:12:36 Bernie Mac as amusing as ever. #RIP

0:18:51 The carbot’s exhaust explosion is as bad as mine with this medicine.

0:22:21

“She’s an evil jock concubine.”

#LOL

0:26:31 Still haven’t figured out if the car talking in sound bytes is good cinema or channeling Night Ryder / the Love Bug.

Bumblebee’s Excited About The Ride He’s About To Be Taken On

0:28:42 I’m not going to believe a Wall-E prototype running around on Air Force 1 isn’t going to draw attention.

0:31:44 Robots that get frustrated and bang their heads against the wall are not robots. #Cartoons

0:32:16 Great, he sneaks off Air Force 1 and no one spots him because he’s walking like a human. Apparently the most important security team in the world is fooled by poor impersonations. Good thing it wasn’t a grizzly bear walking upright.

0:33:12 First of all, why does the robot have to talk to himself? 2nd of all, why does the bad robot have an Asian accent? Are the programmers racist, or is it the directors?

Good Guy Robot Design by Adolph Hitler

0:34:10 Shia can ride a bike while speaking on the phone to the cops and still pedal fast enough to keep up with a muscle car? WTF!?

0:37:33 The Aussie geek babe has an awesome accent and really works her lips around each word she enunciates.

The Definition of Science Fantasy: A Hot Blonde Geek

0:38:08 Finally. Some slow motion action shots. If you do the action sequence right, you can do it slo-mo enough for people to appreciate it.

0:39:31 The Radar O’Reilly looking guy is red shirted. #IBet

0:39:56 Yup.

0:40:36 The scorpion bot is my favorite.

0:43:263 Realistic military scenes.

“Now put that dildo back where you found it.”

0:45:23 Bedtime. I’ll get back with you tomorrow after my intervention.

After having benign cysts scraped off my intestinal walls, I’m back home and watching the rest of the movie on a real TV. I also spilled half my pasta on the kitchen floor and, while reaching for it, I flipped the can of tomato sauce so the walls looked like they were decorated by Jack the Ripper. I scooped the pasta off the floor (and onto my plate), opened a second can of sauce and sat down to watch the rest of the other diaster.

Post-Op Movie Snack

0:47:40 This is the 2nd time the movie has gone from 4pm to midnight in the blink of an eye. Girl arrives before sunset, says “I need your help” and when the law comes down thirty minutes later, it’s the middle of the night.

0:48:36 The night in the police station didn’t faze Shia. He’s still out-riding his modified muscle car on his Mom’s bike. Must be the basket and/or the bell.

0:49:35 “To Punish and Enslave” on the LAPD cruiser. Nice touch.

Robot Rape. Bring the Oil.

0:50:21 What has the goodbot car been doing the whole time the evil cop car has been torturing Shia? #Idling

0:51:54 Good tunes for good action. Original score, I think.

0:52:33 Same thing! 3rd time! Instant midnight.

0:55:04 Fortunately for Meagan Fox’s antique electric jigsaw, the cutting edge robot is made out of spaghetti metal.

A Few Burn Tears Short of An R-Rating

Had the runs. Had to run. #MovieOrMedicine?

0:57:49 “That seat belt thing [Shia told Meagan to sit on his lap because his seat had the only seat belt. Safety first.] was a pretty smooth move.” Sure it was…to a slow slut in rut.

“Your brain is supposed to go right here, Meagan.”

0:58:06 Good tune. Soundhound to the rescue. Tomoyasu Hotei – Battle Without Honor or Humanity

1:01:03 The famous robot in the swimming pool / cute kid / stuffed bunny scene.

1:03:24 Bot’s name is “Jazz”.

“This looks like a cool place to kick it.”

Wow, they’re all up on the hep jive kids use today. #ForShizzle

EMT: Extra Moronic Transformer

1:08:29 I love this kind of joke. “Be super cool and don’t let them get to you no matter what,” and then, at the first hint of pressure, fold like a virgin in Vegas. You can use this with anything. Watch, “He’s never ever ever late no matter what.” Then, he arrives 5-hours late. Oooowheee, I’m still laughing.

1:10:23 Again with the sneaky secret robots the size of skyscrapers.

1:16:19 They hide. Again. In an open yard. They can’t hide in the shadows, they are making the fucking statues!

1:17:41 John Torturro!

“Meagan Fox has talent out to here!”

1:26:16 Hiding. Again. This time under a bridge.

1:27:53 The robot is crying. Really!?

1:39:56 The most top secret military base in history and they allow a teenager, his girlfriend, a code geek they don’t need and her associate. On a tour. Can you buy the God Cube in the gift shop?

1:41:04 Why does the cube automatically make everything bad? Doesn’t it have the power of all creation and not just evil?

“One minute while I shit another brick.”

1:45: The All Spark can’t fix Bumblebee’s voice? So is it really ALL powerful? #iThinkNot

1:47:33 Interesting that all the Decepticons have English names. I thought Star Screamer was Pamela Anderson. #OrLindsayLohan

Double Navels are the New Triple Nipples

1:50:36 The badbots are way cooler looking than the goodbots. This fact is probably the most realistic thing in the movie.

1:54:14 In the middle of a battle, the lovebirds have to stop for a hand holding moment.

“Shia, my talent is slipping. The right one.”

1:54:41 If Star Screamer’s missiles are so powerful, why did he leave after launching only one? #ErectorDysfunction

1:56:24 Wall-E had fewer human traits than these Autobutts. I’m not even kidding.

Boozealator Makes a Beer Run

2:00:01

Badassitcon: “Humans don’t deserve to live.”

Optimistic Primate: “They deserve to choose for themselves.”

Take the Optimistic Primate Human Survival Poll below.

2:00:52 The final battle is better on TV than the big screen. It’s easier to see everything and easier to focus on the action.

Road Rage

2:02:51 After all he’s been through, Shia is still faster than a jackrabbit with a Playboy bunny when it comes to racing the robots.

2:07:01 The fuckericon could’ve just reached out and grabbed the All Star instead of knocking it off the building where Prime Ribot could catch it.

2:13:33

“…leaving no evidence of their existence.”

WTF!? They left more fucking evidence than the suicide pilots on September 11. #TooSoon?

2:15:11

“I am Optimus Prime. We are here. We are waiting.”

#ForASequel

One Sexy Ride (and the car’s nice, too)

Tally Ho’

  • WTF!?’s: 3
  • When to Follow: A hangover free late Saturday morning. The movie’s noisy, so you wouldn’t want to start it with a headache, but if you watch it from 10:30 – 1pm and have lunch during (or right after), you’ll enjoy the film and not feel like you wasted your time.
  • What To Feedback: The Optimistic Primate Human Survival Poll

What to Follow Up

WTF!? review of Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen
WTF!? review of Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

“I AM pushing! It just won’t fit!”
“Your fuel injector is a little stiff and dripping in my cam shaft.”
Why no one knows what color Meagan Fox’s eyes are
MF Ponders the Meaning of Life (The Magazine–she doesn’t understand it)
You Never Know What You’re In For When You Look Up Meagan’s Skirt
“Check out the size of that piston.”
Shia Knows I’m Someone to Look Up To
Waiting For The Other Ball To Drop
Crack Team Learns Robots DO Have Genders
How You Catch a Bus–Literally
“And THAT’S the way you run a fucking country.”

4 thoughts on “WTF: Transformers (2007)

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