WTF: Drive Angry

Road Kill Finally Has A Name

Spoiler Alert:

Don’t read any further if you haven’t seen this movie. You’ll find out everything that happens and you won’t understand any of my super funny jokes.

Nicolas Cage Gives a Little Head

Starting on my 2nd film of the day as I stayed home from work through getting reamed a new asshole because of internal bleeding after my alien probe last week. As I’ve already been anally abused once today, it should be good training for Cage’s latest “effort”.

While Al K Hall and I agree to disagree only on things of importance, we are in sync on the same wavelength of seeing eye to eye on the notion that Nicholas Cage is, indeed, the worst actor ever to succeed in films because of his relations (born Nicholas Coppola, his uncle is Francis Ford and was criminally responsible for getting Cagey his first few roles in movies) and the blind shithouse luck of being in movies too good for him to fuck up.

Cage Misunderstands “Baby Food”

0:01:13 The premise is a guy escapes from hell because he has a fast car. The devil may want to control his used car lots a little more closely.

0:02:33 I really hope this whole movie is as bad as Cage’s hair.

“Wow, that’s such a good look for you.”

0:04:01 At least his acting is giving the toupee some runs for its money.

0:04:21 Good music though. Perfect. Great tunes and some Nick Cage to mock. Heaven is hell on earth.

0:05:19 At least the language is raunchy, too. This is turning out to be my favorite kind of movie to white trash.

“Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just ready to unload?”

0:09:03 I will be searching for a copy of this OST.

0:10:48 The dude who played the sherif in the one series about alien invaders living in Florida and the bad FBI agent in Prison Break. #OhThatGuy

Dude Displays Total Profits for Drive Angry

0:14:16 Girl fight and you don’t even need to hope one of them gets her clothes torn off because she’s already completely naked. #FakeBoobsUgh

0:17:22 Exposition through dream sequence flash back. I’d expect no less from a Nick Cage movie.

0:18:26

“You want me to roll up the window?”

Why, are you done farting?

0:21:47 Why are all the white trash whore waitresses hitting on Nick Cage? Maybe they’re getting confused with simply hitting him.

Putting Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

0:22:57 Ultra violence always worked for me. #Tarantinoesque

Stopped here because I had to give up the tv to someone with more taste than I. It’s now 2 days later, 1:55am and I’m awake in bed with a cold and watching the next bit on my smart phone while I take notes in a notebook with a beautiful woman in bed beside me.

0:22:47 The asshole is taking being pinned to the wall with half a baseball bat like a redneck gutterfly on display beneath plexiglass with a good deal of aplomb for a bleeding, in pain, about to die some bitch.

0:30:31 You know how I know she’s faking her orgasms? She’s having sex with Nicholas Cage.

“‘How do I like my eggs in the morning?’–Unfertilized, asshole.”

0:30:54 The action and the music are definitely not what’s wrong with this movie.

0:31:16 Shooting a guy in the hands to knock the machete he’s carrying back into his own forehead… #Action

Drive Angry: Not a Disaster Movie, but a Movie Disaster

0:32:25 Saint Pauly’s tips for killing someone. If there are 10 of you and 1 of him, jump him all at once and don’t run in one at a time and wait for him to kill one guy before the next one runs in.

0:35:10

“What are you doing?”

“I’m going after him. Why? Do you wanna join me?”

She shakes her head but gets in the car. Bitch, you have a crazy hellion who can’t act and has got you shot at wherever he goes and you decide to get in the car and follow him to the next death trap? Why? I need to see some motivation (or at least some Amber boobs).

I  Amber Heard That

0:46:26

“The charlatan kills my daughter and then feeds me his philosophy.”

For this line to be said with the correct over dosage of melodrama, it must be read by Nicholas Cage.

0:49:43 The guy who plays the devil [Billy Burke] does a decent job of being stuck in this movie.

“It really does taste like sulfur!”

0:49:53 Guy shot in head in a church and opens his eye and isn’t really dead. Kill Bill much?

0:53:42 Good girl fight.

Some Fine Ass Acting

0:59:06 How can they continue dragging out this “big twist” that Nick Cage is already dead when it’s not a secret because we understood from the beginning that the guy driving out of hell was Nicholas Cage and the Prison Break guy chasing him is death. It can’t be a surprise when they told us in the first fucking scene.

1:06:34 Interesting idea of hell. Hell  is not suffering, but watching the ones you love suffer. I’ll buy that definition. Any other ideas? #YourTurn

1:14:17 Gratuitous 3D effects look absurd on a smart phone.

Gratuitous Down Blouse. Because I Can.

1:19:48 Not only does hell have cars faster than death, but they have guns that can kill the devil.

1:31:50 My cold is like Nicholas Cage: annoying, painful and stinky.

1:34:28 Will this movie never end? Put me out of my misery, damn you!

A Happy End

1:35:02 The  song at the end sounds like a South Park parody of a heavy metal song. [You won’t believe me but I’m not creative enough to make this shit up. The song, “Drive Angry”, is the only original song in the whole movie and is also the worst. Guess who sings it. No, go on guess. Just one guess. Nope, not Nicholas Cage but you were close because it’s his son, Weston Cage. Yet another reason why nepotism should be nipped in the bud.]

Tally Ho’

  • WTF!?’s: Around 3-4
  • When to Follow: Drunk on a Monday afternoon when you get to stay at home from work because you’re sick (but not hungover or else this movie may take you to a level of sickness you won’t return from).  It’s too bad, because the action and the music were spot on.
  • What To Feedback (check out the comments section): Your definition of Hell.

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

The Drive Angry Pre-screening at Comic-Con
One Hot Engine (and the car’s on fire, too)
“Nicholas Cage? Really? You couldn’t find anybody good?”
Nicholas Cage is an Eye Sore
“Shit, the right half of my hair is sliding off.”
“I STILL can’t see how this movie is going to succeed.”
Amber learns the literal meaning to “Stuck in a movie with Nick Cage”
Nick Cage Finally Meets Al K Hall

What to follow up

WTF!? review of Need for Speed

4 thoughts on “WTF: Drive Angry

  1. I’m half way through watching this turd of a film, and I just wanted to come on here and tell you that you were right. This is a complete fucking waste of time. They put in a few boobs, and plenty of blood and guts, but in order to make a good film, first you need a good story.

    I’d rather have my scrotum peeled off by a blunt razor before I’d watch this again. It’s awesome.

    Like

    1. I’d rather have my scrotum peeled off by a blunt razor before I’d watch this again. It’s awesome.

      I couldn’t have said it better myself. I want to write like you when I grow up.

      WTF, The Rod!

      Saint Pauly

      Like

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