WTF: Season of the Witch

After paying to see this, you'll raise some hell alright

Spoiler Alert:

Don’t read any further if you haven’t seen this movie. You’ll find out everything that happens and you won’t understand any of my super funny jokes.

Inside the makeup room: What it takes to make Nick Cage look younger.

I don’t remember ever hearing of this movie before I saw it on my hard drive. Lord knows why I downloaded paid to watch this one. Maybe it’s cursed and installed itself on my ‘puter. Oh well, let’s discover this together, me with my chips and samurai sauce and you with that cocktail wiener.

0:02:56 This is set a long time ago. Like before I was born. Like the 1600’s or one of those other hundreds.

0:03:29 Another one of those instant night movies. Three witches are hung from a bridge at noon, a priest says one thing, then suddenly he’s pulling the witches from the water at midnight.

0:05:31 So yeah, I’m guessing this flick has nothing to do with the classic 60s rock song. [Donavan’s Original Version / Hole’s Cover / Joan Jett’s Cover (poor quality but better than Courtney Love’s version)]

0:05:32 1532. Told you it was one of those hundreds.

0:05:37 Nick Cage! Now I know why I wanted to see this. It’ll be easier to mock than Keanu Reeves doing Shakespeare

0:06:28 Cage and the guy from Hellboy [Ron Perlman] don’t know how to talk 1500s. Who knew that this many Americans participated in the Crusades?

The Film's Language Coach Meets Ron Perlman

0:15:09 Cage and Hellboy quit the army because Nick accidentally skewered a hottie (not in the good / fun way) so they roam the world and end up in the city with the witches that will not die. #LikeCage’sCareer

0:17:01 Did the word “shit” really exist in the hundreds, or is this the moment it was invented? #Etymology

0:19:56 The witch [Claire Foy] looks like Kristen Stewart. Maybe it’s supposed to be symbolic.

0:25:32 Another American. Man, you couldn’t swing a dead cat and ninetails without hitting a yank in the 1500s.

0:28:11 What’s up with the bird masks?

"No, YOU stop being nosy."

0:32:34 In a sword fight:

“Use the other hand.”

So the guy uses both hands. #Cheater

0:37:30

“I’ll go and watch the girl.”

Dude’s is SO going to try and get some witch tail. #IBet

In The Days Before Facials

0:37:41 Nope, the priest came and interrupted his musings. I owe you one.

0:43:03 The witch escaped and four men can’t find her. Now she’s attracting one the guys by putting him under her spell by using his dead daughter’s voice. Feminine wiles.

0:44:02 Hypnotized guy runs into hot boy’s sword. Not in the good / fun way.

0:45:48

“It was the witch killed Eckart. You heard what Kyle said; his mind was not his own. She overheard us talking of his daughter.”

“What exactly are you suggesting?”

Uh, that you’re an idiot for not being able to follow what I’m saying.

0:46:39 Basically the hot brunette is a witch, capable of  mesmerizing men. #WhatElseIsNew

0:47:21 The witch has one of those butt chins. It’s got to be a sign. She’s probably also a ginger.

The Origin of Girls' Prison Movies

0:47:28 Eckart said she looked like his daughter and Nick Cage already noticed she resembled the woman he kabbabbed… I bet at the end she turns into an old woman who turns out to be one of the three witches hung at the beginning. #IBet

0:47:53 They’re trying too hard to make her look guilty. Either the director thinks we’re 12 years old and as stupid as the ass Nick Cage rides on, or he’s conning us almost as hard as Cage conned the casting director of this fiasco.

0:48:23 The twist might be the real witch is Kyle, the pretty altar boy. But I’m not betting. #SmarterThanTheMovie

0:50:53 Dude, if the rope is making your hands bleed, wrap them up in something. Now the priest’s problem is how’s he going to beat the bishop.

The First Version of the Handjob Was Not a Resounding Success

0:53:43 The witch keeps changing from clean to dirty and she doesn’t leave her cage. Why can’t I meet a girl like that?

0:58:18 The witch howled and called the she-wolves. #Bitches

1:01:11 Wolves had American for dinner. It’s got to be better than English.

1:02:34 Maybe the priest is in cahoots with the witch and he’s tricking the guys into taking the witch to a new town.

1:03:41 Hellguy is talking about visiting his hometown when this is over. #RedShirted #IBet

1:06:02 Monks are swollen with plague boils.

"What? A zit on my forehead? Where? Gosh, this is embarassing."

1:10:52 She’s not a witch, she’s possessed and about to be consumed by CGI flames worthy of a made-for-TV-movie with Valerie Bertinelli.

1:11:39 The demon flew away. All bets are off. If it flies back, it’s one stupid fucking demon.

1:11:50

“We’re going to need more holy water.”

Remind you of anything else? #BiggerBoat

1:17:03 The demon has a cool voice.

1:19:36 The demons aren’t all that smart. They should attack more than one at a time.

1:21:48 Told you Hellguy was redshirted. You owe me one. Why oh why couldn’t it have been Nick Cage?

Sheesh Cage-Bob

1:23:34 Nice, the possessed girl is back to her natural form. Meaning naked. Just they don’t show anything because this is American PG-13 which means no amount of violence is too much but the sight of a bare breast will turn little American children into sex crazed monster bunnies.

1:34:32 I survived watching another Nick Cage movie.  #Heroic

Tally Ho’

  • WTF!?’s: 6
  • When to Follow: When you’re feeling down and need to be reminded there are people in this world worse off than you. Like Nick Cage. Or the producers of this disaster.
  • What To Feedback: A new thing here on WTF!? Below is a movie still from Season of the Witch and I’m asking you to provide the caption. Funniest answer in the comments section wins a yet-to-be decided prize.

Caption This:

????????

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

"I was wanking when, suddenly, my hand fell off."
"You mean "The Crusades" isn't on Canrival Cruise Lines!?"
We'll stop here, at the 16th century McDonalds."
Caped Crusaders
A Bird in a Cage
Great-great-great-great-great-great Granfather of Anarchy
"Oops, that was more than just a fart."
Benjamin Gays and the Chocolate Tunnel
Benjamin Gays and the Royal Flamers
Nicolas Caged
"Does this hat make me look like a crap actor?"
What's wrong with this picture? Yep, it has Nicolas Cage.

6 thoughts on “WTF: Season of the Witch

  1. WTF Caption: Ya Dude, this shit is heavy as shit to wear. Let’s go to The Bar None.

    I’m so random, aren’t I?

    I rented this movie not too long ago, good thing it cost me only a buck. My last thought of the night was “Nick is weird.”

    Like

    1. Let’s all go to the Bar None! Thanks for stopping by, dear Bats. Your randomness made my day.

      I’m just glad you’d actually seen it before the read. The movie is pretty random itself!

      WTF, Bats!

      Saint Pauly

      Like

  2. I had enjoyed this movie until the witch movie became an exorcist movie. Me and the guy I went with really weren’t in the mood for an exorcist movie, so . . . pretty disappointing. I’m pretty sure if I watched it again, I still wouldn’t really enjoy it.

    Anyway, yes, “shit” was used in the 1500s, even to call obnoxious people. The people in the bird-like masks are called plague doctors. The beak part of the masks were filled with aromatics that covered the dead and sickly smell.

    “1:23:34 Nice, the possessed girl is back to her natural form. Meaning naked. Just they don’t show anything because this is American PG-13 which means no amount of violence is too much but the sight of a bare breast will turn little American children into sex crazed monster bunnies.”

    You made me spit. This is so true. As if children nowadays aren’t born knowing how to google tits.

    Like

    1. Hallo Haley!

      Yes, as you’ve no doubt sussed from my posts, I’m not the largest of Nic Cage fans and so was prepared to start hating on this film even before it really got underway. As a critic, I’m meant to reserve judgement on that sort of thing, yet his presence was certainly a strike against it at the outset.

      Thank you also for the research about “shit” and the plague masks! More proof as to why you’re my favourite researcher. 😉

      To be completely honest, I’m a bit embarrassed by this review. It’s 5 years old and, at the time, I was trying to mimic and online American writer who inspired me to write reviews. Sadly, I tried to imitate him and it was only after many posts that he was able to convince me to write in my natural voice (I’m British) and to assume my sexuality (I’m gay). Needless to say, reading this post, I cringed more than once!

      Thank you for your patience!

      WTF!? Haley (Watch The Film),

      Saint Pauly

      Like

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