WTF: Winter’s Bone

Winter's Boner Is A Hard Film

Spoiler Alert:

Don’t read any further if you haven’t seen this movie. You’ll find out everything that happens and you won’t understand any of my super funny jokes.

The Ozarks: Where the Men are Men and the Women are...Men, too

It’s midnight on the nose and I’m staying at my sister’s house in the middle of nowhere, Michigan. I’m going to watch this on a phone smarter than I am and I have absolutely no idea what to expect. After the news I just got about my bank account, I’m hoping this is a horror movie but I fear it’s going to be one of those “Noble Redneck” flicks, and I’m just not in the mood for Hollywood sincerity and other such oxymorons.

0:00:24 Nice sad song at the beginning. (Old folks humming “Sweet & Low”? Can that be right?) It’s a scary movie all right— I’m scared to death it’s going to be like Monday Mornings: boring and depressing.

The biggest bathtub in Mississippi. OK, the ONLY bathtub in Mississippi.

0:01:29 The young actress (Jennifer Lawrence) is pretty, but only if she’s over 18. Otherwise, she’s “charming”. Like a young Renée Zellweger.

"Are you sure this is what 'paint stripper' means?"

0:01:58 Great. There are Swedish subtitles on my “backup copy”. It’s a learning opportunity…because that will teach me to pay more attention to the info file before I download it.

0:04:04 Jennifer has a good Southern accent, but only if she’s acting it.

0:04:33 Wow, it’s Chunky High School. The one with extra wide halls.

0:05:19 No music. At all. Gives the film a more authentic, homegrown feel.

0:06:50 Goddammit. It’s going to be one of those country song movies.

My horse is hungry and gave me the crabs

My wife is nice but gave me the clap.

My britches are itchin’, baby please don’t cry

Get your tongue out my mouth

I’m a kissin’ you goodbye

"Damn wind chime is broken---it don't make no noise no more."

0:09:32 She has to give up her horse and her dad’s on the lam for cooking meth after he put up the house for bond. It’s like Ken Loach Visits America.

0:12:13 Some nice thrash metal snuck its way into the meth family’s house.

0:16:36

I said ‘shut up’ once already. With my mouth…

Ooh, good one. I’ll have to try that one out at work.

0:35:55 Jesus, what a cast. It’s like Deliverance fecundated Freaks.

How Sibling Weddings are Celebrated in the Hills

0:39:48 Squirrel for dinner. Who gets the nuts?

Stopped to fall asleep. Continued the next day at 6:12pm while trying to hide from my family.

You Know It's Trouble When... Your Horse Looks Smarter Than You

0:54:16 This best not be a rape scene. I hate, on principle and by definition any movie with a rape scene. I reserve the indelible right to stop any movie at any point during a rape scene.

0:59:00 Had to run our back to avoid the sound of my father watching the news. It’s kinda bright out here so the image is hard to see. If I miss good stuff, blame it on my dad. Or the sun.

1:03:11 Squirrel imagery in a dream sequence. #Squirrely

1:23:54 The girl has to reach into a swamp at night to grab her dead dad’s hand so some hag can cut it off with a chainsaw. #Infuckingtense

How do you know it's a girl fight in the hills? You hope their clothes DON'T get torn off.

1:25:29 Am I the only one who thinks using a chainsaw at midnight while standing in a crowded rowboat on the water is a bad idea?

1:32:53 The metaphorical moral of this movie: It’s better to be a chick than a squirrel.

Tally Ho’

  • WTF!?’s: Only 1
  • When to Follow: When you’re depressed and looking for reasons to finish yourself off.
  • What To Feedback: Leave a Caption for this WTF Photo in the comments section.
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Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

"And that's how you bag a Bieber."
"I *can* write F.B.I.! Just tell me how to spell it."
Make Like a Bear and Shit in the Woods
Even in this light, her boots look half duck - half rabbit
"That better be a flashlight in your pocket."
That's One Horny Elk
"I'm so poor, my pajama top is the only shirt I own."
"We're so poor, our motor home is a barn with license plates."
"We're so poor we can only afford 25 stars on our flag."

8 thoughts on “WTF: Winter’s Bone

  1. wow, youre one lucky fucker to never have had to wear hand-me-downs and actually work for your food. do you even know what a dog that’s not a leash looks like without someone walking behind him pickin up his shit with a pooper scooper?

    Like

    1. Exactly!

      Thanks so much for taking the time to stop by and comment. Yes, I am one lucky fucker, especially because my working middle class family could afford to give me a sense of humor.

      WTF, I-Won’t-Call-You-A-Hick-Because-I-Don’t-Judge-People-I-Don’t-Know,

      Saint Pauly

      Like

  2. Just love it, you’re great! I found your blog today and i’ve already read entirely 🙂 i am amazed how some people don´t have sense of humor at all.

    Like

    1. Hello dear Sarah!

      What a lovely thing to say. I have such a blast writing these and it always makes my day when someone like you cares enough to make the time to leave a supportive comment.

      As for the others, this post might be a little ‘edgier’ than I’d originally intended. I certainly did not mean to insult anyone’s rustic upbringing, and I’m relieved to see you understood that. Besides, as they say in America, “Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke.” 😉

      I do hope to see you around more often!

      WTF Sarah (Watch the Film),

      Saint Pauly

      Like

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