Spoiler Alert:

Don’t read any further if you haven’t seen this movie. You’ll find out everything that happens and you won’t understand any of my super funny jokes.

It’s midnight on the nose and I’m staying at my sister’s house in the middle of nowhere, Michigan. I’m going to watch this on a phone smarter than I am and I have absolutely no idea what to expect. After the news I just got about my bank account, I’m hoping this is a horror movie but I fear it’s going to be one of those “Noble Redneck” flicks, and I’m just not in the mood for Hollywood sincerity and other such oxymorons.

0:00:24 Nice sad song at the beginning. (Old folks humming “Sweet & Low”? Can that be right?) It’s a scary movie all right— I’m scared to death it’s going to be like Monday Mornings: boring and depressing.

0:01:29 The young actress (Jennifer Lawrence) is pretty, but only if she’s over 18. Otherwise, she’s “charming”. Like a young Renée Zellweger.

0:01:58 Great. There are Swedish subtitles on my “backup copy”. It’s a learning opportunity…because that will teach me to pay more attention to the info file before I download it.

0:04:04 Jennifer has a good Southern accent, but only if she’s acting it.

0:04:33 Wow, it’s Chunky High School. The one with extra wide halls.

0:05:19 No music. At all. Gives the film a more authentic, homegrown feel.

0:06:50 Goddammit. It’s going to be one of those country song movies.

My horse is hungry and gave me the crabs

My wife is nice but gave me the clap.

My britches are itchin’, baby please don’t cry

Get your tongue out my mouth

I’m a kissin’ you goodbye

0:09:32 She has to give up her horse and her dad’s on the lam for cooking meth after he put up the house for bond. It’s like Ken Loach Visits America.

0:12:13 Some nice thrash metal snuck its way into the meth family’s house.

0:16:36

I said ‘shut up’ once already. With my mouth…

Ooh, good one. I’ll have to try that one out at work.

0:35:55 Jesus, what a cast. It’s like Deliverance fecundated Freaks.

0:39:48 Squirrel for dinner. Who gets the nuts?

Stopped to fall asleep. Continued the next day at 6:12pm while trying to hide from my family.

0:54:16 This best not be a rape scene. I hate, on principle and by definition any movie with a rape scene. I reserve the indelible right to stop any movie at any point during a rape scene.

0:59:00 Had to run our back to avoid the sound of my father watching the news. It’s kinda bright out here so the image is hard to see. If I miss good stuff, blame it on my dad. Or the sun.

1:03:11 Squirrel imagery in a dream sequence. #Squirrely

1:23:54 The girl has to reach into a swamp at night to grab her dead dad’s hand so some hag can cut it off with a chainsaw. #Infuckingtense

1:25:29 Am I the only one who thinks using a chainsaw at midnight while standing in a crowded rowboat on the water is a bad idea?

1:32:53 The metaphorical moral of this movie: It’s better to be a chick than a squirrel.

Tally Ho’

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