WTF: The Green Lantern

In Stupidest Movie.

Spoiler Alert:

Don’t read any further if you haven’t seen this movie. You’ll find out everything that happens and you won’t understand any of my super funny jokes.

Green Land Turd

Are you making something or is your ring just happy to see me?

I don’t recall why I ended up watching this film alone. Perhaps it was simply because everyone else I know had already heard too much about this and so abandoned me to my own devices. Regardless, if I was going down I fully intended to take someone with me; and as I was alone that person ended up being me. I did myself in with 2 cheeseburgers (1 cheddar, 1 swiss) and poured the pan cheese and hamburger grease (along with ketchup and fry sauce) over 15 chicken nuggets.

0:01:39 This ultra long intro full of ridiculous names that shouldn’t be pronounced better be super key to the plot.

0:04:02 The beginning with the Parallegs (or whatever) escaping is no doubt an homage to Superman 3.

0:09:01 That mole! I’d recognize Blake Lively anywhere. This movie should be more talent appropriate for her than The Town.

“What’s a nice guy like me doing in a girl like you?”

0:11:03 Hmm, maverick rogue pilot who angers the brass with his hot dogging and renegade style. This wasn’t even original when Top Gun did it. #1986

0:13:06 Because this movie wouldn’t completely suck if it didn’t have a flashback.

0:13:08 How did he get to be a flying ace with all of these acid flashbacks?

0:17:03 Meanwhile, no one anywhere on the planet notices an alien crash landing in the middle of the US. #firstworldproblems

“Ha ha, that wasn’t my heart you were pumping!” Alien Practical Jokes

0:20:17 Just like no one noticed the giant green plasma ball that picked up Ryan in the middle of the road during a birthday party.

0:20:33 The whole premise is that he has no fear, yet he was screaming like a toddler at a Michael Jackson sleepover when he was trapped in the flying green plasma ball.

0:24:27 The other Green Lantern chap has Spock ears. This movie is rich with poor homages.

“I swear, my Lantern is this long fully extended.”

0:26:57 OK, I must say I find it terribly amusing that Blake Lively is a top fighter pilot / genius business woman. It reminds me of when I was 11 and wanted to be an FBI Agent and actor.

0:29:31 LOL, their green lantern looks more like a green lava lamp.

0:30:28 The dead alien got yellow stink finger on Dr Bald Toby McGuire’s stinky finger.

0:35:09 She said “no” 7 times before she ended up cutting a rug with him. Either “no” means “yes”, or he’s rape dancing her.

0:39:08 If the ring can drag you across the universe, why did the purple alien need a spaceship?

“My big, throbbing, swollen, purple head feels like it’s about to burst!”

0:39:43 The image of Ryan Reynolds in his underwear about to get alien anal probed is turning me gay.

0:40:39 He’s admiring himself in the skin suit. I’d be worrying about the green layer of skin over my crotch and how my penis would work.

0:41:37 “The mask disappears automatically when you don’t need it.” Hopefully it’s the same for whatever is covering his skin lantern.

“The mask is so no one knows it’s me in this turd.”

0:44:34 There’s a Green Lantern that’s a hornet. Get it? #NotEnough

0:57:02 The monster was able to destroy the best and most experienced Green Lanterns in under 30 seconds but the new guy will be able to save the day because he’s a human. And American. #EspeciallyAmerican

1:05:36 A helicopter is spinning out of control and no one in the crowd below is even the least bit worried. WTF!?

1:06:49 One of the reasons this movie is so lame is that the Green Lantern is a lame super hero. A guy who has the power to make green things ? #Really?

“Hand Job” takes on a whole new meaning.

1:07:01 And then, after he makes green things to save the politician and the hottie, people just stand there and stare at him. Where are the cell phones recording everything? Is this supposed to be set in the 1950’s?

1:12:58 Just how badly do we need this ridiculous romantic scene?

1:16:10 What, they take the nutjob back to the source despite the fact he’s obviously infected with some interplanetary STD?

“He has Flacciditis: the disease that makes you look like a soft penis. A stiff massage will get a rise out of him.”

1:23:50

I know you’re capable of doing better. Why won’t you try?

Wow, Carol Ferris (Blake’s character) talks like my Mom.

1:25:18 If this is going to have a Spiderman homage, the bad scientist should go after Carol / Blake.

1:29:23 Sure didn’t take long for me to be right.

1:32:12 The bad scientist looks like the Elephant Man. #MoreHomage

“I’d like a little head, please.”

1:33:32 The super evil monster could destroy 29 awesome Green Lanterns but can’t get one not wearing a ring because he’s hiding behind a desk?

1:35:16 WTF!? 10 minutes ago Blake was yelling at him for being a quitter and now she’s telling him to give up before he begins.

1:35:36 Filming the monster blocks away between buildings. #CloverfieldHomage

1:38:43 Chase through an asteroid field anyone? The Empire Strikes Homage

1:42:25 Emo Haircut Lantern is happy. Carol is happy even if Hal can’t be with her. The only ones left unhappy and dissatisfied are we poor viewers …

“If I buy you a drink, can I stick my ring in your lantern later?”

Tally Ho’

  • WTF!?’s: 12! My god. The humanity…
  • When to Follow: The best time to watch this is when you’re asleep, so keep the volume low.
  • What To Feedback: In the Comments Section below, write what you would create with your magic ring if you were a Green Lantern. Best Answer receives a WTF Badge.

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

“It’s not a mole, OK? It’s a beauty spot.”
“Read my lips: Beauty Mark.”
“Yo, bro! Your head looks like an Ass.”
“I don’t get it, are those breasts or do you have something to get off your chest?”
“Now I know how cocaine feels.”
“Ouch! I told you, not the nipples!”
Green Lantern: Putting the “G” in G-Spot
“How can I tell her it wasn’t my fingers…but a green lantern ring dildo device with the optional ticklers?”
“Ryan, bro, I dont give a toss about ScarJo. You just gotta lay off the booze, man.”

What to Follow-up

 

Deadpool 01 poster (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
WTF review of a better Ryan Reynolds super hero film

 

3 thoughts on “WTF: The Green Lantern

  1. Thank you so much, Sir Rodney!

    If my readers receive a modicum of the pleasure I find in writing these, then I am a satisfied blogger.

    Although I noticed you have yet to describe what you would create with your Green Ring!

    I’ll get things started, shall I?

    WTF, Rodney,

    Saint Pauly

    Like

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