Don’t read any further if you haven’t seen this movie. You’ll find out everything that happens and you won’t understand any of my super funny jokes.
10 to 1 on a school night and here I am ready to jump into Part 2 of a movie I didn’t like the Part 1 of. #mask-ochist
0:04:53 Don’t even get me started on how much I hate the mask ridiculousness. Even with the voice scotch tape device on the throat, I’m like Paris Hilton and WalMart Underwear: Not Buying It.
0:05:57 Wow, John Woo directed this. Hopefully it’ll be better than I’m afraid it is.
0:07:54 This whole rock climbing intro is full of “fake drama”. We know Ethan Hunt isn’t going to die, so all these close-call cliffhangers are inconsequential and boring as Heaven on Friday Night.
0:08:51 So far the music in this one is stellar.
0:08:58 Antony Hopkins’ voice.
0:09:35 Self destructing sunglasses… Do we really want spies running around with explosive devices strapped to their eyes?
0:11:33 Oh come on already! I get it. Ethan (Tom Cruise) meeting Nyah (Thandie Newton) is like a dance. You don’t need to spend 3 minutes showing them circling each other with a flamenco dancer between them. In slow motion.
0:14:04 OK, so yeah, Nyah is incredibly hot.
0:14:43 Ooh, John Woo with a down blouse shot. I guess that makes Thandie Newton a “Woo girl”.
0:17:51 Talking on the cell phone while driving. Times were so much simpler then.
0:19:46 Again with the tango theme? This time with a choreographed near car crash? Cars are dancing? Really, John Woo?
0:20:58 Of course Ethan boned Nyah/Thandie. Woman just love muscular, short Scientologists with a full head of hair. (Psst, it’s the hair.)
0:23:12 There’s Anthony Hopkins…
0:26:05 See, like here. Why doesn’t Ethan pull Anthony’s face all over the place to make sure he’s not a bad guy in an Anthony Hopkins mask?
0:27:52 The bad guy is in love with the attractive bird, so Anthony Hopkins wants to use her (even if she’s a thief and not a spy) to get the bad guy. Again, why don’t they just use a mask like they do everywhere else? Are you beginning to see the problem I have with the masks?
0:36:27 Do we really need another Woo-Woo slow motion moment at the meeting between beauty and the beast or could we not just hurry up and get to some action?
0:40:59 In all the incessant babbling, we learn the mad scientist created a monster virus and the cure. Too bad in all the non-stop chatter, they didn’t think to tell us why.
0:42:25 Oh goody, more talking. The action in this movie is like sex with an oldie. Once they finish up once, you have to wait at least 20 minutes before you can go again.
0:51:58 Why doesn’t Nyah want to leave the bad guy now that her mission is over? Maybe ‘bad’ sex is better than good sex with Ethan / Tom Cruise.
0:56:14 That was close. They almost accidentally had some action.
0:56:45 Obviously Ethan in a mask, trying to get a confession from the big business boss. Which means big boss isn’t really infected with the disease. It also means the whole surprise Woo thinks he’s setting up is gonna fall as flat as Peter Graves’ EKG.
1:00:07 Ethan tells Nyah he changed his mind and now she has to stay with Ambrose (the bad guy) and do everything he tells her to. Am I the only one who sees a mask in our future?
1:01:15 Even if we knew it was the bad guy in a mask, that doesn’t change the fact the real Ethan has done nothing to save her like he promised he would. Huff…men!
1:04:24 Don’t look now, but there just might be an action scene. Or rather, “Look now”.
1:11:49 It’s not suspense if you fall asleep during it.
1:14:02 OK, it’s action, but it’s old reheated, reran and déja vued action. John Woo hasn’t got anything better than this? When did John Woo become John Who?
1:21:17 WTF!? Ethan was seriously thinking about shooting his girlfriend because she infected herself with the virus? Wow, Hunts’ last name should start with a ‘C’, not an ‘H’.
1:27:53 It’s very practical the way the henchman accommodates Ethan by refusing to fight back or run away but instead waits patiently for Hunt to finish a radio communication before resuming getting his ass kicked.
1:29:20 Doesn’t John Woo always use birds in his movies? It’s like a motif. Or a fetish.
1:32:18 Blond henchman knew the white dove was where Ethan was hiding. He must be a John Woo fan.
1:32:41 WTF!? Why did he not shoot Ethan when he had the chance?
1:34:32 When they take off the masks too show Ethan and Blondie switched places and the boss is really beating up his own henchman, I’m gonna lose it like Tom Cruise on Opra’s Sofa.
1:39:52 Cool motorcycle spin and shoot. Iiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnn ssssslllloooowwwww mmmmmoooootttttiiiiiooooonnnnn.
1:42:07 I’m not sure but I don’t think a motorcycle can continue on if it’s been rear ended by a car. At top speed. At least I know I can’t. Rear end me and see how far I go.
1:42:14 Cool trick of sliding along the pavement holding onto the motorcycle as it speeds down the freeway.
1:43:43 I must have missed why they dropped the infected hottie in the middle of the desert if they wanted her to infect the whole city of Sydney.
1:45:03 I like the way they jump off the colliding motorcycles to fight in midair.
1:46:02 Remember the list of things I hate in movies? One of them is when one guy is killing another guy for 15 minutes in a fight and then suddenly the dead guy isn’t really beaten but becomes superman and turns the fight around. The human body doesn’t work like that. Like the ability to lick yourself, it just can’t happen.
1:46:46 Ethan, dude, if someone is holding a knife over your eye, move your head away. Do you really need me to tell you this?
1:48:54 It’s like watching indestructible kitchen appliances fight. In ssssslllloooowwwww mmmmmoooootttttiiiiiooooonnnnn.
1:49:24 What, it’s OK to physically beat him to death but not kill him with the knife? Interesting moral code he’s got working for him there. #secretcode
1:50:13 Awfully nice of the recently resurrected bad guy to wait for no reason for Hunt to find a gun to kill him with.
- WTF!?’s: 11, at least.
- When to Follow: While drinking testosterone beer with a bunch of male men and making fun of it on a weekend night (’cause the movie will probably give you a hangover).
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