In order to properly analyze this Thing, I shall be probing it from the bottom up. Basically, I’ll be re-telling the entire story, except better.
Read on if you’ve ever seen or will never see The Thing.
1 am on a Thursday night and I have to work tomorrow. Thank god I took a nap when I got home from work.
Take 2. The sound didn’t work on my tablet so I watched CSI instead. Now it’s Friday at 2 am. So, take 2– a.m.
How do you know it’s winter in Antarctica?
- Hell freezes over.
- The Snowman freezes his snowballs off.
- The witches won’t go topless.
- It’s colder than my ex girlfriend.
- Even Bill Gates’s assets are frozen.
0:05:26 Doctor Who ‘Dat is listening to “Who Can That Be Now” on her mp3 player. What is it that hotties see in Men at Work?
I’m Doctor Sander Halvorson. Do you know who I am?
Uhm, someone who asks stupid questions?
0:06:53 I don’t think I know this actress [Mary Elizabeth Winstead]. But I’d like to.
0:09:37 The problem with movies set in the Antarctic is that the ladies wear more clothes than Mormons at Muslim Camp.
0:14:48 An alien packed in the ice that the pretty lady doctor will resurrect like monstrous memories trapped in a cold heart, waiting for the warmth of a woman in love to reawaken. Who knew this movie was an extended metaphor for a Harlequin romance? And, in that case, what does The Thing represent?
0:19:32 Doctor “No” just put Doctor “Hell Yes” in her place. Too bad her place isn’t in the kitchen making me a sandwich.
0:22:46 Guy going out for an antarctic beer run is red flannel shirted, but not by the creature (it’s too early), so I’m guessing by the elements.
0:23:44 This creature from another planet is the most important discovery in the history of humanity and no one thinks to guard it? I’ve seen girl’s diaries with better security. And better stories.
0:25:12 Bonus points to the film for not doing that 1980’s thing of building suspense for over an hour before the monster gets out.
0:30:54 They barbecued the alien.
0:31:12 Even if the Swedish girl is in pieces, the American woman is still a nice piece.
0:36:53 Looks like the alien absorbs the victim, makes him invincible, then squirts him back out as a zombie. Like me with Mexican food.
0:39:20 They’re leaving and will send back help if they can? The helicopter looks big enough to take everyone, at least the women. The cold must make their balls shrink.
0:40:40 She’s going to realize the alien changed a guy who’s leaking parts and is now on the helicopter he’s going to blow up after she realizes too late what’s going on.
0:41:13 This Antarctic is warmer than the one Kate Beckinsale was in for Whiteout because here the woman can run around outside flagging down helicopters wearing only a windbreaker.
0:42:39 At least the alien host wasn’t the guy I expected it to be. Believe it or not, I love being proved wrong… it means the movie can surprise me.
0:48:02 My next prediction for alien mutant hostess with the mostest to worry about is the timid Swedish brunette who has no purpose on the team or in this movie other than to be another female presents for the male audience.
0:49:07 I was so right. But crikey, how long does it take the heroine to turn around when she hears the other bitch changing? And why does the naked changeling mutant alien wait before attacking?
0:50:38 I’d wager the flame thrower’s Owner’s Manual recommends against using it indoors.
1:03:52 The oral exam with a flashlight to see if they have fillings or not would take less than 20 minutes in real life.
1:05:51 Always look up when killer aliens go missing, chaps.
1:06:23 My bad. They were in the next shed. #smarter_than_the_movie
1:07:57 The Swedish guy tells the other Swede something and the subtitle on my screen is:
1:10:39 Very cool! His arm fell off while they were carrying him and became an alien!
1:12:18 The alien popping out of the guys body looks cool as hell.
1:12:31 The guy alien mutant is rape killing the other guy. Talk about an alien probe. Will you still respect me in the mourning?
1:16:02 The cold (and cold) Swedish doctor got it. Not the good kind of “got it” either. They didn’t even bother with the foreplay of suspense for that murder. They went straight for my fear-rogenous zone…I feel like a cheap whore-or-film.
1:17:44 Looks like the rest of the movie is gonna be the lead female (the Sigourney Weaver of this Alien Goes to Antarctica) walking around tying to burn the monster even though she has no idea how many pieces are left. Of course this will all go up in a big ball of flames at the end.
1:18:39 Mate, rule number 1 in escaping in a horror movie: always look behind you, even if you’re pressed up against a wall.
1:20:22 It’s OK, Riggs saved him with her flame thrower.
1:21:30 Someone escaped in one of the snow tractors and so will die atrociously for his selfishness.
How good are you at this? Was the selfish man who is now doomed Swiss or American? Hint: the answer is in the question.
1:22:49 If you think the guy who’s driving you is possessed, ask him to show you his fillings like you already did with the others.
1:24:46 This movie would be one better if the lead female really did die in the fall that was so long her scream could’ve been the Star Spangled Banner.
1:25:04 The suspense is over. She’s not dead. Apparently she’s made of rubber. #LikeGumby
1:25:32 I guess the fact she and her cheap flashlight both survived the mile long fall is more understandable considering they landed on a rock hard metallic surface. #sarcasm
1:27:42 A cloud of little blocks that tells us the alien’s brain is a Gameboy Color game of Tetris.
1:28:18 Vagina head monster is trying to attack hottie doctor’s face. It’s like lesbianism gone astray.
1:28:26 Good vagina monster face shot.
1:29:48 It’s not suspense if the audience is falling asleep during it.
1:30:37 So the big mother explodes but there were a lot of little bits running around in the middle of the movie. There’s no way I’m supposed to believe everything is now magically dead.
1:32:03 The mother alien is exploded and the spaceship is shut down but they haven’t rolled credits. Everyone knows this means there’s a “surprise” action ending coming.
1:33:23 If her sidekick was an alien mole the whole time, why did he help her kill the leader alien? Not Alf. Ralf.
1:35:26 The movie is continuing during the credits which can only mean one thing. She’s going to be rescued but have an alien inside her but not know it even though every other victim in the movie knew they were possessed. You’ve got an obligation to follow the rules you established.
1:41:22 My mistake. They forgot all about the girl and just have a Swede hunting a dog from a helicopter.
- WTF!?’s: 9
- When to Follow: You should definitely watch this one by yourself so your mates don’t mock you incessantly for even being remotely curious about this Thing.
- What To Feedback:
Someone escaped in one of the snow tractors and so will die atrociously for his selfishness.
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