I’m going to be probing the deepest darkest recesses of this movie to shed light all up its nooks and around its crannies. As I shall be exposing every somber secret to the light of day with a light nearly brighter than myself, read on only if you’ve already seen this movie or think you never will.
1am on a Saturday/ Sunday morning. I spent all day getting my new computer up and running so I get to reward myself by watching a bad horror film on my tablet. Let me take a picture so you can see what that’s like.
0:00:52 Produced by Guillermo del Toro. That’s gotta be good, right?
0:02:07 My backup copy has Dutch subtitles. That’s gonna be a pain in minein Assenholtz.
0:04:03 Ah no. Jesus, man, not the teeth. He’s knocking the maid’s teeth out with a hammer and chisel, like that one Ed Norton movie on the kerb [American History X].
0:06:15 Katie Holmes? How is it I haven’t heard of this movie? Must not have made it to here. Like toilets that take only one person to flush.
You’ve called Joanne and the magical Sally…
Answer machine message. It would seem the stepdaughter’s real mother wears man’s pants and doesn’t shave the good parts.
0:09:28 Oh, the stepdaughter is Sally. Not a lesbian.
0:13:41 Kind of an ungrateful little kid. I’m rather looking forward to when she gets ghosted. Perhaps it’ll teach her some manners.
0:15:22 Wow. That creepy carousel lamp looks like a ghost magnet.
0:17:05 I’m not buying this relationship between Katie Holmes and Not Scott Glenn [Guy Pearce]. There’s as much chemistry here as Computer Geeks on Amish Day. I bet Tom Cruise pee’ed on her before the movie to mark her and now Not Scott is afraid of her.
0:19:43 Just like every 10 year old, the child hears a breathy serial killer voice call her name in the dark forest and she follows it.
I need to get some tools to open this door.
He comes back with a hammer.
I see who the real tool is here.
0:28:17 For all the movies with kids afraid to go in the basement, this little girl sneaks down there alone in the dark because whispers from a sewer grate called out her name. This 10-year old girl has bigger balls than me. Or the movie is unrealistic. #OrBoth
0:30:47 Now the evil voices in the basement sewer calling her name mysteriously unscrewed the metal grate containing them, so Sally walks over to check it out. Stupid children are ghost snacks.
0:31:34 Crap! Why didn’t the evil spirits take her when she stuck half her body into their lair? Of course, there’s still an hour left to drag this out and no more story to fill it with.
0:34:18 At least the bad guys have a shape. They look like Dobby on crystal meth.
0:43:16 The crazy caretaker is looking out for Sally. Somehow he knows what evil lurks in the dark basement. This also means, of course, that he’s red shirted.
0:45:23 Sure didn’t take long for me to be right.
0:49:26 The caretaker was slashed to ribbons in the basement and the parents think Sally’s to blame for cutting Katie’s clothes? Why don’t they care about who tried to kill the caretaker? If some guy is murdered in my own house and the police can’t find the responsible party, I am NOT going to stay in the house with my child.
0:54:05 If the girl is so scared, why does she insist on seeking out the monsters’ hiding place alone in her room at night? Wouldn’t a frightened child run to her parents? This film is too annoying to be fun. Like picnics on the beach or Orangina enemas.
0:55:51 The parents called a child psychologist because they think their daughter is batty for acting strangely in a house where an employee was torn to shreds in the basement just the day before, and the guilty party has not yet been caught.
0:59:03 Ah. The father thinks the gent getting shredded in his basement was an accident. Please explain how a person would go about accidentally ripping their skin to ribbons?
1:07:42 Oh thank god it’s another false alarm and the girl isn’t kidnapped by the gremlins. I don’t know what I would have done had the story line accidentally advanced a little.
1:08:17 I spook too soon. Looks like the writers are going to have to manage a plot development. You know what they say, the first time is usually painful.
1:08:29 OK, this is where I’d walk out if I was in the cinema. It’s just grotesque. The daughter is missing and no one in the house is looking for her except the stepmother, who promptly stops when she gets distracted by a painting referenced by the librarian who told her she should be afraid for the girl’s life.
1:10:18 The girl is alive but trying to leave the house that wants her as an entree so the dad is going to take her back for just “one more night”. Just so you know, in real life the “only one night” line only works if the girl is stoned and you have Kettle Chips.
1:13:21 The gnomes who are now running around in the open are supposed to be afraid of the light. They’re breaking their own rules.
1:14:44 The girl is gagging to show her dad the photo of the monsters but he’s too busy. Yet, when the dinner party guests become interested in her picture and could help, she gets all offended for no good reason and decides to hide it. Goodness, this movie is so much crap that it’s exhausting.
1:16:42 Will somebody please decide if the child is afraid of the gnomes or out to destroy them?
1:18:24 Good thing there are 20 flashes on the 5 flash stick she has with her Polaroid instamatic.
1:19:40 After the girl has an epic battle with the monsters and Katie Holmes wanted to leave because she was sure the little girl was in danger… the next scene is the daughter in her bed in hell house.
1:32:41 Happy ending because only the not-even-step-mother dies. Decidedly, the writer must have come from a broken and twisted home.
1:32:50 Just enough time for the requisite scary non ending.
1:36:07 And even that was as poor as a pauper in a Scottish church.
- WTF!?’s: 14, no less. Incredible.
- When to Follow: When your 11-year-old sister insists on watching a horror movie while you’re baby sitting her. This one isn’t scary enough to alarm a clock.