WTF: The Ward

Inane Asylum

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be analyzing this film all the way from its oral phase to the bottom of its anal one, deciphering its dreams and exploring its relationships with the mothers who bore it to the screen. We’ll see just how super its ego is and I’ll i.d. its id, so read on only if you have already visited The Ward or don’t ever plan to.

The Ward still
Is that bad makeup or were you kissing Bozo’s ass?

I don’t think I even heard of this movie when it came out. I saw an ad for the DVD in a local paper and as I like whore-pence (horror+suspense) and I admire Amber Heard’s amazing talent for acting… hot in whatever movie she’s in, I decided to pay The Ward a visit.

0:00:52 A psychiatric hospital. I like home movies.

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“Maybe it’s just me, but this is crazy.”

0:02:07 Seriously!? That’s the “shocking” beginning to get us into the film? That death wasn’t even shocking enough for Murder She Wrote.

0:02:19 No! John Carpenter? Now I’m really afraid. He’s one of the most overrated directors of all time. He’s the Crispin Glover of horror. Yet fortunately his misguided fame was statutory enough to get Amber Heard on board this Titanic abortion.

0:02:44 Isn’t Mamie Gummer Meryl Streep’s daughter? She was in Ang Lee’s Taking Woodstock. And is Danielle Panabaker related to the guy from the Woodstock documentary? Is this a Woodstock conspiracy? [Mamie is Meryl’s daughter but Danielle is no relation to anyone who’s ever even heard of Woodstock.]

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They Appeared in This Movie and Were Never Seen Again

0:07:37 Amber Heard showering with two women watching her. Bet that’s not a first for her. Actually it’s two old women who are aides at the mental hospital where, we will learn, Amber Heard is being kept unjustly. Carpenter can leave no cliche left unfilmed.

0:12:34 Amber Heard / Kristen asks the guard what she’s doing in the ward, which is a valid question considering Carpenter skipped over all of what happened after the police caught her burning down a house in her nighty at daytime.

0:13:18 Interesting. It’s the ward for insanely young and pretty.

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No Soul Train

0:13:33 Look, it’s the girl in the skirt and glasses who speaks normally and draws well, so we’re supposed to think she’s on the staff but she’ll turn out to be a whack job like the others. No cliche left unfilmed. [I will eventually learn this is Lyndsy Fonseca, and the fact I didn’t realize this immediately is a bad omen for this movie and her makeup.]

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“These are not eyebrows, they’re Velcro for my glasses.”

0:14:26 Amber was put in here the day after the fire? With no trial? WTF!?

0:16:44 I’m no authority, but I’d be willing to bet the funny farm that no lock ever invented can be picked with a letter opener.

0:17:24 Guess what, she got caught opening the second door with a letter opener. Will all of those of you who are shocked by this please raise your hands? For those of you whose hands are now in the air, would you be interested in contributing to the “Make A Wish” foundation? Because my wish is to be a member of the Billionaire’s Club.

0:18:21 Amber Heard in chains. If this isn’t a dream sequence, I’ll let Crispin Glover do obscene things to my ear hole. That’s how sure I am.

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Before Amber Came Out Of The Closet

0:18:36 That dream was shorter than Sasha Alexander’s film career. Any series with an ex Seinfeld chracter. Justin Bieber’s cocktail wiener. Al K Hall’s attention span. Danny Devito standing in a hole.  A list of good John Carpenter films.

0:19:18 Still the same intern from last night and it’s the next day? He’s wracking up some mighty overtime.

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Amber Really Doesn’t Like Little Pricks

0:24:52 Remember the days when you were in an insane asylum in the 60’s and the nurse would leave her station and the drug cabinet unlocked when she left the ward for absolutely no reason? Yeah, me neither.

0:25:35 The collective shower scene. There is such a thing as a good cliche.

0:28:29 What would any self respecting haunted insane asylum movie do without the requisite electro shock therapy bit?

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“It’s on the tip of my tongue.”

0:32:17 There hasn’t been a death since the opening credits and a patient says she’s being released, so she won’t be missed when she turns up missing. Looks like she’ll be wearing a red shirt when she exits.

0:34:03 Hypnosis, so she can open the psychic doorway and let the spirits in.

0:36:39 Kind of a boring murder. And not just because I’d been expecting it.

0:54:24 The warden refuses to sleep with the hot girl gagging for it.? Not cliche, but not human either. #Eunuch

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Ward: Have You Seen The Beaver?

0:56:02 The real insane person is the one who wrote this awful script.

0:57:02 For example, the woman sees the serial killer ghost in the mirror and instead of running to her friends in the same room, decides to run away and hide in the kitchen by herself. At the same moment, the girls who are aware of the serial killings don’t notice the shrieks of the girl they were just talking to.

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No, I’m holding the wall up.

1:02:09 Two murders in very public rooms of the hospital and there are no guards or nurses or doctors anywhere? Maybe they escaped the sinking ship. Like they should’ve done when they were hired to be in this disastrous movie.

1:11:09 The chase scene when the girls get picked off one by one as they try to escape is repetitive, boring, cliché and repetitive.

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Amber Looks for the Remains of Her Career

1:11:18 At least there are a lot of shots of Amber Heard in mom jeans.

1:12:30 You can kill a ghost with a fire axe. Good to know.

1:13:27 Ooh they tried to pull a Sixth Sense on us by having the victims all be aspects of the same split personality. Guess what, Identity did it before. #AndBetter

1:18:19 Early prediction: the “surprise” ending is going to be the Amber Heard part of the split personality who will come back as the ghost.

1:20:40 Told ya.

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“Yell ‘Cut’ or I will.”

Tally Ho’

  • WTF!?’s: 8 really bad ones.
  • When to Follow: If you decide to watch this trash, you deserve to be locked up.
  • What to Feedback

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

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Is that your face or did your neck throw up?
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Amber Suddenly Realizes the Walls ARE an Ugly Shade of Bile Green
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Amber Heard Gets Down And Dirty

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