WTF: Mother’s Day

Mother's Day poster
Mother I’d Like to Film

Spoiler Alert:

In my psycho analysis of this film, I shall be exposing my innermost thoughts about my Mother’s Day. I shall rear my ugly pen and raise these questions as if they were my own. I will foster a certain joviality until this film is put to bed, so read on only if you’ve already seen Mother’s Day or don’t plan to.

Mother's Day Still
Lion King: The Puppet Show

If I didn’t read about this on Sir Rodney’s  blog then maybe I spotted it in a print ad or perhaps on DVDs Release Dates…  Regardless, it seems like a bad enough movie to write an easy review of, so here I am at 1:30 a.m. in bed and starting up Mother’s Day.

0:02:05 Woman in a nurse’s outfit kidnaps a baby from maternity and lures a security guard with a red shirt into a basement storage room. I’ve seen nurse costumes put to better use.

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”Let’s play ‘Traffic Accident’ and I’ll rear-end you.”

0:02:12 Cool murder, though there’s no way the fake nurse could’ve known her partner was where he was at that precise moment. At least now the guard’s shirt is literally red.

0:02:54 Black characters are too often red shirted and that’s not me being racist, that’s Hollywood being racist.

0:04:47 Rednecks are going to invade the home of a white bread couple who are hosting a red shirt party for a lot of minorities.

Mother's Day Still
The hottest thing in this picture? Yep: Vintage turntable.

0:05:28 What? Those kids who look like they’re 15 have a kid? That’s the real movie here.

0:09:27 The party’s in the basement and people walk upstairs one at a time to get taken hostage by the bad boys. At least the depressed wife (Beth/Jaime King) trying to escape was realistic. She made it outside the house and screamed once she was there.

0:12:23 The same things happen in every home invasion movie.

  • Victims are lured unsuspecting into traps by their best fiends
  • Someone has to act calm when speaking on the telephone
  • A medical practitioner has to do kitchen surgery to save a miscreant
  • A hostage must act normal when answering the door while a gangster hides in the background…

It’s like your wife’s cooking: not always well executed but monotonous.

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Margaritas by Firelight

0:14:11 The token psychopath goes in the basement and finds the other partiers and beats them as cruelly as possible. But then he turns off the stereo and yells,

Disco! I fucking hate disco!

and I suddenly find myself developing some empathy for him.

0:14:07

‘Doc, you just stand there and do what you’re doing. ‘

Which is just standing there.

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“Did you spill blood on my sofa cushions?”

0:16:13 It took just over 16 minutes to get to the part where they start the sexual abuse and rape threats. Jesus, there are a lot of misogynistic writers and directors in the movie world. Unfortunately, not one of them is very original.

0:18:57 Cute daughter. She reminds me of the foreign landlord’s skinny daughter with a crush on Peter Parker in Spiderman. [In fact, I first saw Deborah Ann Woll in True Blood, where she plays the young vampire Jessica Hamby.]

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“This shirt *does* make me look fat!”

0:19:24 Either everyone is tall and skinny or the sizing is off on my copy.

0:20:07 Rebecca de Mornay is a bit older since her business was risky. She seems sweet at this point of the movie but she’ll end up as sweet as she is young.

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“This is what we call a hot picture.”

0:25:05 Let the torturing commence. Breaking a guy’s hand on a pool table with a cue ball in front of his wife.

0:27:40 Nicely done shot shooting the escaping lass in the head.

0:28:41 The problem with this movie is they don’t know how portray the mother. OK, one of the problems…

0:31:14 The brothers are into some weird psycho incest with the mom. Course if my mom was Rebecca Demornay, I might be tempted as well.

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Turns out Rebecca literally *does* give a shit.

0:41:19 The lead bad brother (Patrick John Flueger as Izaak ‘Ike’ Koffin) takes the melancholy wife (Beth/Jaime King) to get cash from an ATM. She tells 2 drunk slags who are apparently the only two other people who live in the whole town–with, it would seem, only 1 ATM–that the guy has a gun. He tells the skanks to kneel, then drops a knife between them and tells them the one who kills the other gets to live. I bet no one realizes that if they all gang up on him with the knife, they could take him easy.

0:42:46 Intense. One girl does and it was filmed just right.

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“At least I’m not stabbing you in the back!”

0:49:01 Mom/Rebecca de Mornay tells the chap to keep his wounded hand behind his back when he talks to the cop. Yeah, that’s a good idea everyone should try. Nothing at all conspicuous about talking to coppers with your hands hidden behind your back.

0:55:45 The dying brother doesn’t want to die a virgin, so Mom sent psycho son to get a hostage girl to pop his cherry. Because lads think about getting laid even when their insides are spilling out onto their death beds. #Realism

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“You’ve got a lot of guts, man.”

0:58:55

1:02:49 The lass who had to leave to get the money got the drop on the leader brother with a gun. If she doesn’t try to shoot him right away, she deserves everything she gets.

1:03:15 She let the guy take the gun from her. Maybe she likes the torture. She did agree to make this movie, after all.

1:04:41 And now the tough girl who got chosen for the rape has decided to prepare by putting on sexy clothes and doing up her hair like the mom wants? WTF!?

1:06:38 Nice song to be assaulted by.

1:09:38 One woman escapes into the night and just stands in the yard, turning around, waiting for a villain. Or a tornado.

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Bleeding in the Rain

1:15:59 The old “pouring boiling water in someone’s ears” trick. Seriously, do victims never reach a point where they’d just rather be dead?

1:20:03 Now the hostages are all tied to the same post and they douse one of the women with alcohol and light her up.

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The Condom That Ate The Condo

1:24:41 They get free, ambush psycho brother kill him and then the guy whose ears were burning takes the gun and accidentally shoots his wife. I laugh out loud and almost wake up my wife sleeping beside me.

1:27:22 Why does the young doctor walk around, freely observing all this, and not try to escape? Wait, is it existential symbolism and this movie was originally written by Sartre? I know I can, but Camus?

1:31:50 It’s all really falling apart now. A literal denouement as it all unravels. People are getting shot, the heroine was hoarding money, Rebecca de Mornay has forgotten how to act… Someone kill this movie now and put it out of my misery.

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Shart: a small, unintended defecation that occurs when one relaxes the anal sphincter to fart.

1:32:19 You have not truly lived until you see the scene where Beth / Jaime King and mom are in the bathroom together and Beth has to pee on a pregnancy test stick at gunpoint and hand it over to mom.

1:33:12 When will they stop manufacturing those nail guns that shoot nails like bullets? Just plain dangerous, those are.

1:37:30

You taught your children how to kill.

No, I taught them to survive.

Considering most of them are dead, you were a miserable teacher.

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Orgy, Interrupted

1:40:37 Time for a twist ending with the daughter.

1:42:48 Score one for me.

1:42:49 The villain family’s surname was ‘Koffin’. I kid you not. You want worse? The hero family’s was…”Sohapi”. I honestly am incapable of writing this badly–even with effort.

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Hide and Go Bleed

Tally Ho’

  • WTF!?’s: 11 bad mothers
  • When to Follow: If you’re feeling ironic, watch it with the lads on real Mother’s Day. If you’re a woman, just step away, step away.

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

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“One false move and the wall gets it.”
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“No! Mauve is *not* the right color scheme for this room!”
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Nice Rack
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“No! I can’t explain why my eyebrows are so dark!”
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“I said, ‘It’s MY turn for the bathroom.'”

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