WTF: The Resident

The Resident still
The Resident 01 poster
Let Me Come In Your Back Door

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be giving The Resident a thorough examination, weighing it’s valor, and testing it’s heart. You’ll be in stitches while I decide which scenes should be cut, so read on only if you already checked up The Resident or don’t plan to.

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“That’s another woman’s blood on your collar!”

Found out about this one through an advert the city’s free daily paper. Normally, I’m not a big fan of tortured roommate movies because I think they’re far fetched and they freak me out but maybe Hilary Swank can elevate this above the belt.

0:01:44 Hilary Swank produced this as well. This is a good sign because it means the actor believes in the project and is invested in it. #Literally

0:03:14 She’s a doctor who operates on kids with ketchup all over their skin by stapling their organs. I wonder if this pays well…

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OMG! Bloody Mary Spill! Another Napkin Stat!

0:07:44 A huge apartment with wood paneling and a view of the Brooklyn Bridge, going for $3800/ month and only one person is interested. That’s me sorted. I’m moving to New York.

0:10:10 Blurry Hilary Swank nudity. Or some guy with boobs. It’s pretty blurry.

0:17:28 Of course the stalker just happened to show up at the art gallery where she is. You know what would impress me? If the girl was the stalker and got to all of the places she knew the guy was going to be before he got there. That’d be new. That’d be an idea. There I go again… #SmarterThanTheMovie.

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Hilary Swank giving Jeffery Dean Morgan a “Nose Job”

0:19:56 I think what’s bothering me, apart from the drivel they’re trying to pass off as dialogue but is really just exposition, is that Hilary Swank’s hair cut is as ridiculous as the dialogue.

0:21:28 She came onto him but he shot her down–so he can watch her take her bath? WTF!?

0:21:35 Which makes me realize she went to the art show and was hitting all over the landlord and she hadn’t even showered. #pheromoninal

0:23:00 Sex scene. Hilary Swanks herself. She’s polishing her knob extra hard in the tub. How can someplace so clean be so dirty?

0:25:14 Her ex calls and she bitches at him, and hangs up on him. Then the phone rings again and they do the whole “I’m yelling at you but oh no it’s not the guy I was just talking to how embarrassing” clichè. But she checked her cell before she answered both calls! That’s what kind of movie this is.

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“You’re right! I’m NOT happy with my long distance killer! Oh, ‘CARRIER‘! My bad.”

0:28:03 After some wine at dinner, Hilary Swank is going to work off some of the food and the rent at the same time. His deposit will be hers.

0:28:42 Uh oh, fast forward reverse with scratchy sounds. The bottom’s about to fall out of this movie.

0:34:33 Now she shoots him down. Lots of no action for all the shooting going on.

0:39:36 He’s sitting next to her bed and moving his hand around her as she sleeps. His petting isn’t heavy but his breathing is.

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The Opposite of ‘Heavy Petting’

0:41:09 She does a walkthrough but the scary music doesn’t put her off. Anyway, the most dangerous thing behind the door was a loud noise.

0:41:58 He agrees to fix up the secret room she discovered, so she kisses him on the cheek and says he’s a “good friend”. This is how the expression “kiss off ” came about. It’s going to piss off the guy who now has full access to her place for a day.

0:42:37… so he can use her electric toothbrush erotically and masturbate in her tub. With no water. And all his clothes on. Bathtubs sure see a lot of ass. #Truth

0:43:16 She comes home but it’s cheap editing suspense because he’s long gone (or come) from the tub.

0:44:33 She’s surprised psycho guy didn’t know they broke up, even though she didn’t tell him. Just like she didn’t tell him she’s making dinner for her ex. Hilar-ity, he’s psycho not psychic.

0:46:38 Her ex came to dinner and brought their dog, not knowing dogs can sniff out psychos and psychos love to torture dogs. It’s a love/ hate thing. Regardless, the dog is definitely red shirted. Red furred?

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Dog. Flowers. Both wrapped.

0:46:48 The ex is Lee Pace, the pie maker from Pushing Daisies.

0:47:46 She’s going to tell her ex about hooking up with the psycho landlord while he secretly listens. “He was nice, but he was never you.” Ooh, if there’s one thing psychos hate, it’s that.

0:48:21 The ex and the girl are making out. Note to self: Women prefer men who cheat on them to men who are attentive and take care of them. And secretly stalk them.

0:49:36 He’s watching them do it and the soundtrack is supposed to be freaky because it’s a guy playing furniture.

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Time for the Pie Maker to Eat Some Pie

0:51:44 Psycho poisons the wine so after the ex leaves he can do things to the Swank, like suck her fingers.

0:54:58 She gets smart and installs cameras but doesn’t get a drug test, even if she’s a doctor, to find out why she can’t wake up.

0:56:09 Now he’s going to poison his dad so they have to go to the hospital and he can see her.

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“Here’s some Karma. Time for YOU to change MY diaper.”

0:57:03 Nope, he just killed the old man. My idea was better. #SmarterThanTheMovie And just exactly WTF is Christopher’s character’s role in this movie? Why is he even here? #Useless-Lee

0:57:05 I should so be with Hilary Swank. She’s already forgiven and forgotten her ex’s transgressions while my partner holds grudges before I’ve done anything wrong.

1:00:20 He has her completely drugged and only unbuttons her pajama shirt one button? #Amateur

1:02:45 She finally gets the blood test but doesn’t check the videos of her security system. So maybe she won’t care about the blood test and will ignore that too. Maybe she deserves to be stalked. Maybe she’s too stupid not to be stalked.

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Knock Knock / Who’s There? / “I See You.” / “I See You” who? / ICU is where I’ll see you.

1:9303:18 Psycho stalker is huffing her shirts.

1:04:38 The ex discovers the psycho’s hiding place so now it’s the ex’s turn to get stabbed in the back.

1:07:58 Hilary finally decides to watch the expensive CC-TV she bought and it turns out, like most women, she doesn’t like pornography. Especially when she’s the star. Hats off (and nothing else) to HS for her good acting.

1:09:54 Good tension build up… Still, at this moment, after she watched the vid of him drugging and abusing her, she could run out of the apartment and why the hell isn’t she doing just that?

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Boy George’s Colonoscopy

1:10:29 She already regrets not running away when I told her she should have, because he just threw her bony ass down on the kitchen chair.

1:13:21 She’s groggy from the drugs he injected her with, but even with all the drugs, when he punches her, she still doesn’t go under. She should take up boxing. Wait, that didn’t work so well for her, either. #MillionDollarMaybeNot

1:17:24 She thinks she can escape but she doesn’t know the grandfather is psycho too and will be blocking her path. The family that preys together, stays together.

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“Nurse, I got wood between my legs.”

1:19:10 And another punch that doesn’t take her out. Hilary Tyson.

1:19:57 She could take him out of the picture right now but she decides to wait and regret this decision later.

1:20:12 Let the regretting commence.

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“Quick, what’s the number for 911?”

1:21:14 She stumbles on the dead bf after parts of the window she’s breaking slash her up. I wonder why they don’t show her finding the dead dog. Maybe that scene was cut.

1:22:23 She thinks he’s dead so she throws the weapon away. 1) Never throw your weapon away. 2) What kind of scary bad doctor is she if she doesn’t even know when someone is dead or not?

1:22:54 My bad. The movie’s over. Mercy killing.

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“How do you spell ‘Arrrgghh’?”

Tally Ho’

  • WTF!?’s: 11
  • When to Follow: This actually might be a good movie to watch with your boy / girl friend. It’s pretty tame for horror and a nice switch from couple’s night romantic comedies.

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

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Count Dooky: Even Sith Lords Need Down Time

4 thoughts on “WTF: The Resident

  1. Sounds absolutely dreadful. your poor eyes! My tv has been broken for 2 months so i couldn’t watch it if I wanted to. It’s very interesting living without one. Internet helps but since my media vessel is my phone, choices can be limited.

    That being said, 2 films..term loosely used… are Teeth and trickrtreat. Both are comedy horror. The recaps had me in stitches, but I know they couldn’t do the justice that you could. If you review, that is great. If not, I will have to watch when I get my new tv in 2017. 😀

    Like

  2. Hi Leah! Thanks for the visit.

    My poor eyes indeed! Think of your poor eyes, though, no TV for two months…

    I actually saw “Teeth” in the theater when it came out; but I remember enjoying it, so a review here might be in order. Never heard of “Trick ‘r’ Treat”, though, so I’ll definitely be looking to give that one a go. Thanks for contributing!

    WTF!?

    Saint Pauly

    Like

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