WTF: Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring

Spoiler Alert:

Warning, gentle reader. I shall be exploring the realms of Middle Earth from top to bottom, mapping every nook and cranny, leaving no stone unturned. Read on only if you have already visited The Fellowship of the Rings or don’t plan to.

Fellowship of the Rings movie still
“We were supposed to bring our helmets?”

Tonight I embark on a long and noble quest, for I shall attempt to write a WTF for each of the three Lord of the Ring movies. It is truly a challenge for me as I have never been able to remain awake for any of them. Yet I shall remain valiant in my effort and will not cede until each of the WTFs has been vanquished.

Fellowship of the Rings movie still
This is crazy, but Ring me maybe?

0:02:24 “One ring to rule them all.” And so it begins.

0:02:36 Wait, if that one ring is so powerful, how do the other 20 rings even matter?

0:02:59 The shiny, beautiful people want to kill the ugly, deformed people. I thought this film was supposed to be a fantasy, yet this sounds rather realistic to me.

0:05:48 Golem. I’ve heard about him. He’s the short, bald chap who isn’t Danny Devito.

0:08:34 The special effects are all the more amazing in that you don’t notice there are special effects.

0:12:53 Gandolf keeps bumping his head in the hobbit’s house. Looks like slapstick sank all the way down to Middle Earth.

Fellowship of the Ring movie still
“But Gandolf, that’s my expensive weed!”

0:16:17 Drunk and horny Hobbits. The likely origin of dwarf tossing.

0:17:23 Whoa, that one Hobbit looks like Charlie from Lost. Whoa, it is.

0:20:18 Look, Bilbo just used the Cloak of Invisibility to leave the party. #HairyPotter

0:21:47 These people want a ring as bad as a sorority girl in compromising positions.

0:26:53 Volcano Land. Truly breathtaking, at least on my tablet.

0:40:06 The king of Ignorania lives in a giant phallus and looks like an ex 60’s folk singer hippy.

Fellowship of the Ring movie still
“What is this ‘ZZ Top’ of which you speak?”

0:43:08 Splendid fight scene. Instead of light sabers, the old men fight with magic wand sabers. #HairyPotter v. #StripMal.

0:48:52 I’m having a hard time believing that the little Hobbits with their little Hobbit legs can outrun a killer evil cool dark horseman riding his pure evil steed.

0:55:08 Viggo looking very young and valiant.

Fellowship of the Ring movie still
Aragon Trying To Hide Behind His Sword

0:55:52 One of those editing jobs where they show beds and then show people sleeping, but the people aren’t sleeping in the beds they showed, but you’re supposed to be fooled into thinking they are. The killer horsemen will skewer nothing but pillow kebabs.

0:57:04 The horsemen are Ring Wraiths. Tolkien borrowed heavily from Led Zeppelin, you know.

1:05:39 Construction at Mordor… This movie just never stops looking cool.

1:10:56 Not only was Peter Jackson able to make this look stylish, he was also able to prevent it from looking stupid.

1:19:42 Agent Smith Elf.

1:20:41 What’s the guy from Game Of Thrones doing here?

1:26:09 Liv/Arwen gives the exiled king her necklace, though he was hoping for her virginity.

'Lord of the Rings:Fellowship of the Ring' Movie Stills
Vulcan Porn

1:27:33 That’s the image used in that meme!

'Lord of the RingsFellowship of the Ring' Movie Stills

1:28:43 “Mount Doom” just sounds ridiculous. Like something out of Sponge Bob.

1:33:30 “You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring.” So that’s where they got the name for this movie.

1:36:30 The Misty Mountains. Another Zeppelin reference.

1:38:42 Frodo slips in the snow and the chain that holds the ring breaks. If the ring is that important, they may want to invest in a stronger chain.

1:44:37 This movie is rich like Bill Gates winning the lottery.

1:44:53 Sam watched that horse leave like he was going to miss riding it in more ways than one.

1:45:49 And the sea monster you were watching swimming in the river? You enter the dark passage and don’t wonder what happened to the sea monster you were just watching?

1:46:45 It didn’t take me long to be right.

'Lord of the RingsFellowship of the Ring' Movie Stills
“Oops, wrong hole.”

1:51:22 What killed all the skeletons on the path?  Boredom from all this dialog?

1:59:56 The one big ugly monster actually stabbed Frodo? Color me pleasantly surprised.

2:01:23 What? He’s not even hurt? Then why was he gasping in pain and what made him keel over? I call WTF.

2:02:22 There are literally millions of those little monsters all over the place. What do they live on when there are no dwarfs or questers around?

2:02:58 Doesn’t Gandolf know any spells against monsters? Too bad he didn’t go to Hogwarts.

2:03:05 I will say this for the movie, there’s a lot of action.

2:05:40 ‘Nobody tosses a dwarf.’ LOL Told you this was the origin of that!

'Lord of the RingsFellowship of the Ring' Movie Stills
“I knew about Dwarf Tossing but not about a Tossing Dwarf!”

2:06:57 The stone staircase happened to crumble in such a way as to save everyone. Lucky break.

2:09:09 Why does no one run to help the old man hanging by his fingernails from the broken stone bridge? ‘Help me. I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.’

2:12:42 More bow and arrow people with pale skin and Spock ears. If they’re not the same species as Legolas, either Tolkien or the director was rather lazy.

'Lord of the RingsFellowship of the Ring' Movie Stills
“My pointy ears are up here…”

2:14:22 Is that Kate Blanchet who’s supposed to be the epitome of female beauty?

2:16:33 The beautiful woman is getting inside everyone’s head and playing mind games. This movie is becoming more realistic by the minute.

'Lord of the RingsFellowship of the Ring' Movie Stills
Cate Blanchett Gets A Little Head

2:22:19 Frodo offered her the ring and she thought it meant she owned him. #MoreRealism

2:28:26 Very cool king statutes on the river.

'Lord of the RingsFellowship of the Ring' Movie Stills
“C’mon, five up high, bro’.”

2:35:48 Viggo has to take on the dreadlock Orcs all alone.

2:39:34 Game of Thrones guy is starting to look like Saint Michael with all the arrows sticking out of him.

Tally Ho’

  • WTF!?’s: Only three
  • When to Follow: Without someone who has read the books so they don’t interrupt you with annoying trivia. No one wants be be Bored of the Rings

5 thoughts on “WTF: Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring

  1. Your hilarious article once again had me guffawing at the idiosyncrasies of this film….. and i’m not even sure what that means!! Nice work St Pauly!!!!

    Love the line about Gandolf managing to fend off a Balrager in the chasm, but couldn’t find a spell to thwart a Cave Troll or the thousands of BDSM Orcs that attacked them as well….

    Like

    1. Xani!

      Thank you for having the best taste ever! 😉 Tell Portugal I said “hello”, meu bom amigo, and I hope to see you back here again soon.

      WTF Xani (Watch The Film),

      Saint Pauly

      Like

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