I’m returning deep into Middle Earth, digging up all the dirt I can, and believe me when I tell you that I am not afraid of getting my hands a little dirty. I shall dig deep into the mysteries of The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, so don’t be surprised if I unearth one or two truths inside all the dirty secrets. Be warned, gentle reader: Read on only if you have already seen The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers or don’t plan to.
0:01:11 You can make fun of this movie all you want, and believe me, I will, but the cinematography is breathtaking.
0:03:33 Firstly, the chasm Gandolf is falling through is deep enough to lead to China. Secondly, it’s not because he lands in water after falling for ten minutes that he would be OK–ask anyone who’s committed suicide by jumping off a bridge. Thirdly, dream sequences are the refuge of the lazy. Bad director. Bad.
Nothing. Just a dream.
Frodo to Sam, when Sam asks what’s the matter.
“Nothing.” Exactly my point. Frodo gets me.
0:04:18 Wait a minute! At the end of the last movie they were on the edge of Mordor and now they’re hundreds of miles away. When did they land on ‘Go back to start’?
0:09:18 They should have just killed Gollum or at least not brought him along.
0:11:30 And why is it the Orcs didn’t kill the other hobbits (Mary and Guy From Styx)? There’s a lot of not killing going on in this movie.
0:19:09 Explain to me please why the cheap, imitation Thor doesn’t just kill the nerdy looking troll who’s stalking his sister?
0:27:08 Am I the only one who thinks filming outdoors at daytime from a distance makes everyone look like children playing make believe?
0:31:14 Tree people. Who knew? They look like Muppets with wood.
0:37:58 Say what you will, but don’t forget to say the effects of this movie are incredible. Do you see them doing a closeup on Gollum. He looks so bad he looks good.
0:38:22 I one day would like very much to become something almost as “fly” as the hooded dragon rider.
0:42:04 Why did Gandalf have to act put out before he showed himself? I understand it was to make us think he was the bad wizard, but how does that make any sense in the story?
0:47:13 Even as simple a thing as opening a gate looks impressive in this movie. Those beasts opening the black gates of Mordor prove the bad guys get all the best monsters.
0:48:38 Ooh, I hope those two soldiers don’t step on Sam and Frodo and stab them and kill them and that this is the end of the movie. Phew, they’re safe.
1:01:08 Aragon lets the bad actor leave? WTF? He’s only going to come back and wreak havoc. Who’s side is Aragon on?
1:07:22 Ooh, Aragon’s in love. All it took was a blonde with a bigger sword than his.
1:08:28 The bad actor is already helping the evil ex-hippie. It angers me to see such blatant WTFs in a film that should be too good for them. Shall we blame Tolkien?
1:10:56 There is an argument to be made that the Ring is a symbol of addiction. The whole internal debate Gollem goes through over the ring sounds like an AA meeting.
1:18:43 The blonde Princess is in love with Aragon, but Liv Tyler meets him in his dream. Which of these ladies would you chose if you were him?
1:20:34 My version doesn’t have subtitles for the dialog between Viggo and Liv. I don’t know if their kisses are break up kisses or not.
1:22:34 Wait, if Liv has moved on to the undying lands, Viggo should be free to conquer, or, at the very least, explore these new ones.
1:26:34 These Orcs have the right idea because their dog beast mounts are vicious and can fight after their riders are dead. I’d like to see a horse do that.
1:27:02 Aragon fell off a cliff with a wild horse-dog ? I’ll believe it when I see it .
1:28:25 Good news for Aragon, he fell three miles but there was water nearby so he can’t have died. Water is magical in Middle Earth because you can fall long enough to grow a beard but if you land in water, you’re golden.
1:32:54 The Orc Army banners look like my dirty sheets.
1:33:59 Aragon was knocked unconscious, but while unconscious he floated on his back with his head above water. You’re not born a hero, you get written as one.
Sméagol, listen to me…
says Frodo, but then says nothing else.
How to torture a Sméagol.
1:57:13 I like the Tree People, they’ve got roots and won’t leave.
2:03:44 The Egyptian Monk Arrow people have style. Wait, they’re elves! Who knew?! #EverybodyButMe
2:05:04 Don’t forget the Tree People are going to come, too. They’ll bring sticks.
2:07:01 There are too many ‘calm before the storm’ type moments and they last far too long. #JustSayin’.
This is it? This is all you can conjure, Saruman?
Famous last words, cocky king.
2:13:26 The wall exploded. It didn’t take me long to be right.
Brace the gate!
means five lads need to lean against a door as tall as a building? I’d like to see what happens when he says,
2:15:16 Legoland’s shield skateboard trick is more appropriate for Indiana Jones and the Temple of Dude.
2:18:34 An elf leader dies and I’m not the least bit surprised. They’ll continue to kill off everyone whose name I don’t know.
Gimli tells Aragon to get to the passageway with the bad guys.
Every LotR movie has to have a Dwarf Tossing reference, ’tis Middle Earth law.
That doesn’t make much sense to me, but then you are very small so perhaps you’re right.
The Tree to the Hobbit
Trees really are rather bloody stupid, aren’t they?
2:25:40 I knew it was just a question of time before the trees got involved.
2:33:51 Gandalf is fighting the war with his staff, which tells me the pen might be mightier than the sword, but the wand kicks the shite out of them both.
2:36:10 The flood destroying the bad guy factory was very well done.
2:36:39 I’d wager the evil hooded dragon pilots are killer at Quidditch.
2:38:32 Sam talking about ‘good stories’ is a blatant plug for LotR. Plus, he sounds like my mum, if she were more literate. And smaller.
2:41:39 Sam asks if anyone will ever tell stories about him and Frodo. Any more self promotion and someone is likely to acquire hairy palms and go blind.
- WTF!?’s: 3, and only 2 really big ones.
- When to Follow: When your significant other is awy for the weekend and you have a lot of coffee.
- What To Feedback: I posited the question in the text and so would like to have your opinion on whom you think Aragon should chose to spend his time with. Liv Tyler / Arwen / The Brunette or Miranda Otto / Eowyn / The Blonde