In this review I shall be dissecting the King from head to toe, examining his innards to find out exactly what makes him tick. We shall learn if he is a good King or a bad one, one we can get behind or one we should put to death so read on only if you have seen Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King or don’t intend to.
The version I found is over 4 hours long. Does that mean it’s an uncut version? Is there a circumcised version?
0:05:26 The evolution of Sméagol into Gollum. Return of the Montage.
0:13:03 Gandalf and Saruman have a chin wag despite the fact that Saruman is on top of a skyscraper and Gandalf is on the ground. #VoicesCarry.
0:17:06 The Crispin Glover of Middle Earth (Brad Dourif as Grima Wormtongue) was shot by Legoland and thus was put out of our misery.
0:19:53 Blondie (Miranda Otto as Eowyn) is trying to get Viggo drunk so she can have his way with her.
0:21:47 Drunken Hobbits drinking and dancing on the table. No news from Frodo, but the party seems to be the bigger priority anyway. #Alcohobbits
0:26:28 I hope there’s a reason Frodo chooses to believe Gollum, who looks like a flaccid penis, rather than his best friend. Unless the flaccid penis reminds him of his real best friend.
0:30:25 Wait, the crystal ball is addictive like the ring, too? Is there nothing one can touch in Middle Earth that does not induce immediate drug dependency?
0:31:09 When the black ball starts devouring your best friend, it might be a good time to wake the wizard. (You may wish to write that down, in case.)
Saran means to strike Minas Tirith. His defeat at Helmsdeep showed him… If the beacons of Gondor are lit, Rohan must be ready for war.
Can it truly be called dialogue if all of the words are made up?
0:35:52 “You smoke too much, Pip.” This is the second marijuana reference. I didn’t say anything at the first one, but this one is far less veiled. A Bad Drug Hobbit.
0:36:17 Pippin and Merry say goodbye. I realize they are gay. #MaryPippins
0:42:27 Jackson made Minas Tirith look like a place I’d like to live and die to defend. No beach, though.
0:47:38 So Aragon is the King they refer to in The Return of the King.
0:55:12 The very stylish evil guy that I’d like to resemble is the Witch King of Agmar. He’s also the dragon pilot.
It’s tradition for the women of the court to farewell the men.
I should very much like to be farewelled, methinks.
1:13:28 The dragons are afraid of Gandalf’s flashlight. They’re not as tough as we thought.
Gandalf: You’ve seen Frodo and Sam? When?
Faramir: In Ithilean, not two days ago. Gandalf, they’re taking the road to the Mogul Vale and then the Pass of Kirith Ugol.
Pippin: Tell me, what does that mean?
Good bloody question, Pippin.
1:21:52 John Noble (Denethor, the Steward) is also the mad scientist from The Fringe. Talk about your Geek God.
1:39:47 Hugo Weaving is Elrond, Agent Smith and V from V fromVendetta. Speaking of bigger Geek Gods.
1:54:35 An Army of the Dead. Good idea, J.R.R. He was zombie before zombie was cold.
1:55:47 In fact, the dead in this movie are like the tree people in the last one. Cadaver- lry.
2:00:14 Severed heads in the catapults. Talk about mind games.
2:05:50 Gandalf risks his life to save Pippin, but doesn’t even notice the thousands of other warriors who are dying. I think Merry isn’t the only one who gave Pippin a lap ride.
2:15:37 How many times does Frodo have to forgive Sméagol before this becomes the battered hobbit syndrome (or ‘BS’). WTF
2:27:48 Sam is cradling Frodo when his sword starts glowing. This is not a euphemism.
2:29:29 I’m not sold on this idea that the Steward is going to burn his son alive out of grief over his death.
2:32:22 Why doesn’t Darth Vader of Middle Earth (Witch-king of Angmar) skewer Gandalf before flying away to see why someone was blowing their own horn?
2:35:28 The clashing of the two armies is simply magnificent.
2:42:02 I’m starting to understand what was so Oscar worthy about this film.
2:46:36 Eowyn killed dragon! Nice to see Tolkien wasn’t too sexist.
2:55:23 WTF? When did blondie die? She was holding her dead dad last we saw. Since when is death contagious?
2:56:07 She was just faking. Probably so someone would carry her back from the war.
2:57:12 And Merry was sleeping under a guy on the battlefield. Bet that isn’t the first time.
3:18:00 The horseman with the green teeth looks very cool, though if he were a gift horse, there’d be a lot of mouth looking into.
3:20:17 The whole Frodo in the Golden Eye scene threw me. The camel toe eye saw him, knocked him on his hob-butt, but then moved on to darker pastures. You’d think an eye that big would be able to sense a ring that powerful if it were that close.
3:25:49 The giant eye is talking. I’m reassured Gandalf has a WTF expression on his face as well.
3:27:11 How Did Gollum not die falling off the cliff? He looks frail, but apparently he’s a super hero.
3:28:26 Frodo was on death’s door until someone tried to strangle him and this gave him double the energy. Hobbits are built much differently than us. ‘Choke the hobbit to make him stronger’ sounds like a wanking metaphor.
3:35:46 That’s more than 3½ hours I’ve spent watching this. I feel like Frodo must have felt at the end of his journey.
3:42:46 The reunion scene takes place in a bed? When did this become Porn of the Rings?
3:50:23 Pippin caught the bouquet when Sam got married and I’ve no doubt he was thinking about Merry.
3:55:30 And the film is still going. Do you know how many nothings were killed to fill this space?
- WTF!?’s: Just 3.
- When to Follow: Watch this whenever you drakn too much coffee and have the jitters but cannot sleep yet feel to sick to move.