I shall be analyzing Playback scene by scene, recording each sequence with my pen, and I will not pause until my work has ended with all the credits I am due. There is the remote possibility that you will see spoilers in this re-view, so read on only if you have already seen Playback or don’t plan to.
I’m in my sister’s basement on the day after Christmas with a headache I’m trying to tame with a Diet Dr Pepper. Let’s just hope Playback doesn’t make it any worse.
0:01:10 Seems to be a found footage film. At least the video camera has already found a bloody corpse…and I don’t mean a damn corpse.
0:01:40 The man holding the camera is beating his bloody wife at the same time and I don’t mean his damn wife. We just lost the child rating.
0:03:03 Found out it’s not a found footage film.
0:04:44 After setting the baby down, the lad flies off the porch, knife in hand as the police riddle him with bullets, yet his momentum allows him to drive the knife into the bare chest of his wife’s open blouse. Let’s hope the rest of the film is as sharp.
0:06:04 Teens are making a handicam film of the events we’ve just witnessed. Apparently they know nothing of curses.
0:07:46 The cast are hot teen blonde, hot teen brunette sister (short), hot teen brunette sister (tall), brainless adult supposed-to-be teen boy and director teen boy.
0:11:13 Enter some strange, distant, seemingly drug addled youth we are meant to assume is the baby that survived the intro scene. #TickleMeEmo
0:13:02 Girl’s locker room scene with frontal nudity and suddenly clichés don’t seem like such a bad thing anymore.
0:14:04 Of course none of the female leads undress. Stars shower with their towels and screw in their underwear.
0:17:26 The timing is off like a Rolex on sale under a stranger’s trench coat. The Scooby Dude gang are having a party three hours later but the troubled loser guy is still wasted away in the past.
0:19:27 Do you remember The Ring? No? It’s better if you don’t. Especially if you’d prefer this film be original.
0:20:01 Spirits coming out of the TV. Remember Poltergeist? It’s better if you don’t… Regardless, Loser is now possessed by the spirit that possessed the killer lad at the beginning.
0:21:17 Christian Slater! And you thought his career was coming back.
0:24:34 Christian Slater is a perv cop obsessed with hot teen brunette sister (tall), and watches the locker room footage of her that Loser recorded. Apparently, CS’s obsessed by young ladies’ walking around fully clothed because that’s all he’ll ever see of this bird.
0:28:35 The hot blonde hears a noise in her house and the camera shows a figure in a ski mask. If this is a good movie, the figure at least tries to kill her. If it’s simply someone playing a trick on her…it’s bad news for my headache.
0:29:12 It’s footage from the film Director Boy is making. 30 minutes with no action in a 90-minute movie is asking a lot of patience from a horror fanatic.
0:30:03 Ah, finally, a disposable extra for action fodder and murder gristle.
0:31:00 Anti-climactic. I’ve seen better murders in Scary Movie.
0:31:14 We learn the people I believed to be husband and wife in the intro scene were adopted brother and sister. Odd, looked like spousal abuse to me, and I know my abuse.
0:32:24 The dialogue heavy exposition they are beating me over the head with might make one more victim for this film.
0:32:50 The teens grew up in this village and didn’t know where the murder house was? Didn’t even know it existed? Does no one ever speak in this town?
0:34:01 Director Boy’s phone takes better footage than Loser Boy’s professional equipment.
0:34:43 Hot Blonde is afraid and wants to leave—until she hears a strange noise and decides to trace it past the blood stained door and into the attic. Don’t worry, however, it’s probably just a pussy. Cats live for this kind of thing.
0:35:38 The noise had no source but we learn the police didn’t mention the baby in the police report (no doubt too lazy) and apparently no one in town knew about the baby either (they’re blind as well as mute).
0:39:46 Another continuity problem. In the time it took Loser Boy to walk up a flight of stairs, Director Boy was driven back to school by his mother, did research in the library and had a conversation with his friends.
0:43:06 In a present when the internet is replacing TV and myth is more common than reality, Director Boy works in a movie rental store and no one knows the legend that the local man who invented cinema (!?) was the Devil except for a black bloke in a wheel chair (bonus PC points).
0:45:14 The devil can pass his soul down through people using cameras. And what does the Supreme Ruler of the Underworld do when he accomplishes this? Destroy cities? Take over the entire world? Nope, slash a couple of teenagers in a backwater town. And speaking of backwater, we haven’t seen Christian Slater in a while.
0:46:59 Ooh. So scary. Loser Boy killed hot teen sister (short) by touching a TV screen while she looked at a hidden camera. It was so horrible. She writhed on the ground and everything. They even almost showed her dying.
0:51:42 Finally, over halfway into the film and we have our second murder. Too bad it wasn’t worth the wait.
0:55:12 Is the whole Christian Slater skeevy cop really necessary to the story line, or is it simply typecasting?
0:58:19 There goes hot teen sister (tall), possessed via the boob tube peeping camera.
1:05:29 Hot blonde girlfriend gets kidnapped in the back of Loser Boy’s van and deserves it all the more because she was suspicious before she climbed in the back.
01:05:53 Hot brunette sister (tall) does strip tease to Awolnation’s ‘Sail’. Christian Slater is living the happiest moment of his life before he has his happy ending.
01:08:12 Loser Boy blows Christian Slater’s head off. No doubt CS wishes the girl had done this.
1:12:39 We learn the brother and sister were also mother and father of the baby which explains my confusion at the beginning.
01:14:49 If you were looking for your mother on a workday, would you check her office or her bedroom? Director Boy checked the bedroom. Maybe he knows something we don’t. Like her office is the bedroom.
1:15:01 Loser Boy checks there as well. It would seem the police chief has been providing some community services on her back.
1:22:10 Fortunately time is broken in this film because in the half hour it takes Hot Blonde to chew through Director Boy’s duct tape bonds, Loser Boy only has enough time to walk down 9 steps.
1:23:06 I can’t have understood this correctly. The couple escape, run to a car, see his bloody mother struggling in her ties in the back seat so they run away into the forest?
1:23:44 In the middle of dry, clear asphalt the hot blonde trips over…the wind, evidently.
1:25:51 Wait, here’s the mother. So who was victim they abandoned in the car they refused to drive away in because it would have meant saving themselves and one other person?
1:28:54 Loser Boy seems as pale and fragile as a twelve year old goth girl but he has the strength of fifty 12-year-old goth girls– who work out.
1:30:31 Mom shoots Loser Boy, the youths run to her, don’t clear the gun, help the mother and look back at the gun and decide to ignore it in case the killer decides to wake up.
1:30:34 Didn’t take me long to be right.
1:31:48 Flash forward to the hospital where they decided to treat only the mother and not Director Boy’s deep facial cuts or his girlfriend’s head wound. I imagine the mother is the only one with insurance.
1:33:01 So Loser Boy sent a video off his phone so he could enter Director Boy’s soul and it took 5 hours for it to be delivered (#AppleTechnology).
- WTF!?’s: Unlucky 13
- When to Follow: You should watch this film the next time you feel a little down. You are so much more talented and better than anyone associated with this disaster that it will leave you with a good self-image.
- What To Feedback: I suspect I mpay have been the only person on the planet who saw this film, and I’m looking for confirmation of this. So…