Spoiler Alert: I shall be devouring The Human Centipede with my eyes and, after ruminating on the meaty subject, I’ll be digesting my thoughts and spilling my guts here for all the world to see. Read on only if you have already seen The Human Centipede or don’t plan to.
Warning: The subject matter of this film is not for everyone. The pictures used below are mostly NSFW (Not Safe for Whomever), proceed at your own risk. You Have Been Warned.
Honestly, and I’m painfully aware of how little you care about this, I’m in a bit of a bad way. There are some relationship issues I’m working through at the moment and what this has to do with you is that I’m in a bad enough place in my head to want to tackle The Human Centipede.
0:02:05 A guy sitting in a car next to a motorway, poor acting crying and looking at photos of a line of dogs with mouths affixed to the arse of the dog in front of it. It’s a dog eat dog world.
0:02:43 A lorry just happens to pull to a stop right behind the car on this secluded access road and the driver alights with two fistfuls of toilet paper as though he had been driving around the middle of nowhere for hours looking for a car to park behind so he could go and evacuate his bowels in the vicinity of another bloke.
0:03:53 Two brunettes who are attractive in a “fell off the back of a truck” kind of way are in a hotel room.
0:04:14 “How far away is this club?” she asks the phone operator, without having told the operator her location.
0:04:41 I’m not sure which is more awkward, the ungainly script or the developmental acting. What I am sure of is that I’m looking forward to the moment when their lips are sealed.
0:10:58 The lasses get the obligatory flat tyre in an isolated forest where there is no sign of homo sapiens, let alone a dance club. They decide to walk back on road from whence they’ve just come and know for a fact that there is no one or nothing that could be of service to them. Then they wind up traipsing through the middle of the forest? What assistance do they hope to find there? Seven dwarves?
0:15:11 After getting lost in the forest they find the mad scientist’s home. How do I know he’s mad? They’re dripping wet from the rain and dirty from the woods, yet he asks them to sit on his white sofa.
0:19:15 I especially like how the mad scientist has kept the lorry driver on ice in case two American coeds happen to pop over.
0:23:19 Passing out and waking up strapped to a hospital bed beside a lorry driver with a with a wooden bit for a gag…I’d wager that wasn’t in your horoscope this morning.
0:24:53 The lorry driver “doesn’t match” so the doctor injects him with a poison in front of the girls. I bet before long they’ll envy his being put out of his misery.
0:26:21 The Doctor went out in his car and came back with Katsuro: Asian take away.
0:30:51 With an overheard projector he’s explaining how he will surgically join person A to B to C by attaching B’s mouth to A’s anus and C’s mouth to B’s anus. This is the moment where I would scream out “Dibs on being Person A!”
0:33:35 One of the girls escapes (rather loudly when you consider the doctor was standing right beside her) but rips out her I.V. as she does so, so now she leaves a trail of blood over the white everything in the Doctor’s house. Next time she might try bread crumbs.
0:36:16 The Doctor put on his sunglasses to hunt the girl in his house. #Bright
0:38:31 Lol! Because she tried to escape, she gets to be the one in the middle.
0:40:48 She stood at the broken glass door but decided not to escape through it because she wants to rescue her friend who she knows is under general anaesthesia. What is more WTF, however, is that evidently the Doctor was counting on this when he left the room escapee girl was in.
0:42:36 She’s dragging her friend along the floor slower than a French film on Valium, and the director didn’t show the part where she pulled her friend up the stairs. Fortunately for her, it would seem the Doctor has left to do something more important. Clean the blood off of his white furniture?
0:45:05 During the boring pre-op, I’d like to take this opportunity to say the concept of the movie is more intense than the actual movie.
0:46:19 I didn’t recognize that as an ass until he’d already cut into it.
0:51:22 They’re joined together now. I’m amazed 1) they assume the position he wants them in instead of falling over, 2) the thin gauze prevents them from pulling the stitches out to separate their mouths from the others’ assholes, 3) even in this position, the girls are capable of hiding their bare breasts from the camera. What actress would agree to do The Human Centipede but refuse to show her boobs?
0:57:46 Finally the lead Japanese guy is…giving a moving performance. #Imeanhisbowel
0:57:58 Which leaves a bad taste in the middle girl’s mouth.
1:03:21 Someone calls, the centipede is next to the phone, the lead Japanese guy screams, the doctor screams back at him to shut up. So he does!? WTF!?
1:04:41 German cops arrive, maybe because of the abandoned car. My version doesn’t come with subtitles so it’s…hard to say. #Literally
1:13:36 The Doctor poisoned one of the cop’s drink like he did the girls but the German word for cop didn’t pass out.
1:14:07 I want to see how the Centipede climbed down off the gurney without tearing anything.
1:14:33 Japanese guy planted a scalpel in the Doctor’s knee but just left it there. Someone needs to explain to the Japanese that the knee is not a vital organ.
1:15:49 Apparently going upstairs in unison is more difficult than jumping off a table with wheels when you’re conjoined.
1:17:53 Actually it’s rather amusing as this entire chase scene is happening in slow motion while crawling.
1:19:21 When the Doctor finally catches up with them, the Japanese guy puts down the big heavy lamp and picks up a tiny glass shard instead. The Japanese know little about the ancient art of ass saving.
1:20:42 The Japanese guy is making a speech and my lack of subtitles is becoming an issue. I’m at a loss for words. #LiterallyAgain
1:21:46 The Doctor let him finish as though he understood it, and then the Japanese bloke slit his own throat.
1:26:30 The cops came back. and they are the most incompetent cops ever. I don’t think they’ve seen even one episode of CSI.
1:29:10 The girl on the end dies but doesn’t stop kneeling. But she does turn blue. Reminds me of a bird I once knew.
- WTF!?’s: Oh at least 9
- When to Follow: Never. Unless you’re so sad you’d like to be distracted in an ungood way.