My sell mate Al K Hall over at the Bar None and I decided to divide & conquer the Joes. He got the easy job of reviewing G.I. Joe: Retalation, while I was asked to bite the bullet and give G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra a going over. I shall be toying with the movie in great detail, analysing every realist action pose, and examining every articulation. Read on only if you have already seen G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra, or don’t intend to.
0:00:39 Big sign at the beginning that it’s produced by Hasbro. This is also known as a ‘Bad Sign’.
0:01:13 Starts off in France in 1641. Like the plague. Another bad sign. Who knew the French spoke English with a French accent in 1641? No doubt the same lot who knew this film is educational.
0:04:59 Channing Tatum, who will soon be out-acted by the chairs.
0:05:26 Believe it or not, I’m starting to feel bad about that last remark. That wasn’t nice. To the chairs.
Oh my gosh!
Yank helicopter pilot’s last words as the missiles approach his face. Americans even die in “PG-13”.
0:09:32 The “Bad Guy” is a bad girl. Surprisingly realistic for an action movie.
0:11:13 If this rescue team is so bloody efficient, why are they the backup team?
‘Hey, bro, you’ve got some real life-like hair there- – and ooh, a kung fu grip.’
Marlon Wayans makes a funny reference to the original G. I. Joe doll adverts
0:16:41 The casting agent did a brilliant job. By hiring only the worst actors, we’re meant to not notice that they’re all bad. At a pig farm, everything stinks and looks sloppy.
0:20:19 If the evil alliance had enough money to secretly build a city the size of New York underwater, and they can employ more people than the size of many small African nations, and they have more advanced weaponry than the entire United States under George W Bush on the 4th of July, what could they possibly gain by holding the world hostage with moth bots? They obviously have more money and power than they could ever use already…
0:27:39 Woman makes her fiancé promise that he’ll protect her egghead brother no matter what.
He’s the only family I have left.
This is also known as a ‘Death Sentence’ in film-speak
0:27:44 Apparently the info the Joes needed from Duke (Channing Tatum), to see if he qualifies to be on their elite combat team, is the story of how he proposed to the lady bad guy. Those Joes always were the most Desperate Housewives of super heroes.
0:33:02 Love is so easy in the States. All you need do is fall in it, confess it and then stubbornly insist on it until the sex object of your affections changes her mind and loves you in return. Stalk long enough and she’ll come around, is the message I’m getting.
0:39:25 One woman is a highly trained Joe-ess and the other is an unhappy housewife, yet the fight is evenly matched. Doesn’t say much about the Joe’s training. The only way the Joe could win is by turning on her invisible suit that she should have turned on at the outset. Oops, wait, she still lost! WTF!?
0:43:57 Child kung fu fight scene is rather striking.
0:50:53 At a funeral, Duke wears sunglasses in the rain. What passes for ‘cool’ in the States will never cease to confuse me.
0:51:37 “De Cobray” Institute. I’m not sure what to do with that, especially as I’m afraid they’re serious.
0:52:54 This scene really was filmed in Paris. Credit where credit is due.
1:05:44 The Eiffel Tower falling over looked real. Frenchies will soon be surrendering left and right.
1:22:40 There is a character with the name ‘Dr Mindbender’. That someone could even think of such a name is sad, write it down even sadder, but that someone would read it and still decide to use it speaks badly for the human race.
1:24:43 The attractive ginger (Rachel Nichols) kisses the black guy good luck while the bad girl is having doubts about her evilness because she’s still in love with Duke and wants him to put his Duke up. Basically this film is a romantic unintentional comedy. Taking Notting Hill. When Hairy Met Sally. My Big Fat Greek Heat Seeking Missile.
1:24:45 By the way–and it’s so obvious I shouldn’t have to say it–the bad woman will save Duke at the last minute but she will have to die for her sins of the beginning of the film. To bad for G.I. Joe, who just wants to spank her.
1:42:31 Rise of the Cobra is like the first time a boy finds his penis: Lots of action but none of it original.
- WTF!?’s: 5 of the worst kind
- When to Follow: When you’re a 15 year-old-boy who’s too old to play with G.I. Joes but not too old to watch them.