I shall be examining every nook and cranny of the House at the End of the Street, testing its foundations, and exploring its every passage to determine if it raises the roof or belongs in the bargain basement. Read on only if you have seen House at the End of the Street or don’t plan to.
0:04:53 Jennifer Lawrence’s throaty voice is just the right amount of manly. She can kick my arse, any time.
0:05:48 Adolescents the world over (and Al K Hall) are mentally playing connect the dots with the freckles in Jennifer Lawrence’s cleavage.
0:11:38 At the neighbourhood pot-luck everyone asks J-Law if she wants to swim and she doesn’t have a swim suit on. Pervs.
0:12:17 In the middle of the meal, she asks everyone to tell the murder story. Looks like food isn’t the only thing she puts in her mouth. #HerFoot
0:13:55 J-Law playing guitar and singing a very doubtful love song. Still, she makes a cute job of it.
0:16:03 Tyler’s “Famine Relief” group is just a front for a teen party. Those kids in America are living on the edge, playing liars poker and… wait for it… spin the bottle. #PG13
0:17:26 Tyler tries to date rape J-Law but it’s not very traumatic because she’s more of a man than he is.
0:21:15 Ryan, who lives in the House at the End of the Street, gives her a lift home from the party, but not a ride. You think that joke was bad, check out the dialogue in the film.
0:25:10 Ryan keeps his sister who murdered their parents like a pet in the basement.
0:33:02 In another shining example of etiquette abuse, J-Law walks around uninvited in the House at the End of the Street and forces Ryan to tell her all he knows about the time his sister murdered their parents.
0:34:34 We learn the sister went feral because she fell backwards off a swing while her parents were smoking heroine. Don’t try this at home.
0:36:02 Return to the basement and the room where he’s locked up his sister. Wouldn’t it be more humane if she were in a hospital?
0:38:09 He forgot to lock the door, so now the crazy sister is on the loose in her nightgown (not a bra-less joke).
0:39:41… and runs straight for J-Law’s house for no apparent reason other than she might be a lesbian (and aren’t we all when it comes to Jennifer Lawrence?).
0:42:13 More J-Law singing, this time with her new bff’s brother’s band. Think Billie Holiday, if Billie couldn’t sing and only did Soft Cell covers.
0:43:35 Funny, now J-Law’s soused mum (the inimitable Elisabeth Shue) is prying into Ryan’s business and J-Law is offended. That’s ironic and also explains where J-Law herself learned to be so rude. Social graces don’t fall far from the tree.
0:51:29 Ryan & J-Law’s first kiss and it’s only at this moment I realize the entire film is horromance marketed at teen-aged girls. I’ve been so blind.
0:53:20 Mad sister is escaping yet again. She’s out of the closet more than Neil Patrick Harris. This time it’s while Ryan and J-Law snog upstairs.
0:54:00 Ryan scoots J-Law out of his house before she can see his crazy sister wielding a huge knife. She’s asking him what the matter is, but what she’s really saying is, “WTF, I just put in my IUD.”
0:55:13 Bonus points! I did not see this coming. While preventing his sister from attacking a car parked on the roadside, he accidentally broke her neck. The hero just killed his own sister.
1:00:34 He buried his sister, went to a diner where an attractive young waitress gave him free food because he seemed sad, now we see him putting a new handle on the basement door after calling J-Law, which means he kidnapped the waitress and is holding her prisoner in his sister’s old room. Old habits die in the boot of your car.
1:02:06 Date Rape and his mates destroyed Ryan’s car and started pounding on Ryan when he went to the high school to support J-Law’s band, but then Ryan grabbed the guy’s leg and broke it like a twig and it was a great twist.
1:02:44 J-Law drove his magically repaired car to his house where Date Rape’s friends are preparing to burn down his house and at no point has it occurred to anyone to call the police.
1:04:35 At his home now to put out his fire, J-Law finds tampons in his trash and suspects he’s a pussy, so she goes exploring.
1:07:15 What kind of psycho puts only one shoe in the drier?
1:09:17 The waitress in the basement reveal (see my note above at 1:00:03) finally happens. It’s not easier being smarter than the film.
1:11:03 It takes J-Law a lot longer than me to realize House Boy kidnapped the waitress, and when she does, she decides to stand there and do nothing until he has the time to capture her.
1:13:05 None of the girls were his sister! He’s been collecting dead ringers all these years, only they were just ringers when he caught them.
1:14:25 The police officer going to check on House Boy should not make any long term plans, like for tomorrow.
1:19:01 The officer realizes I was right all along. He’s outside, House Boy is inside. Maybe he should call for backup. You’d think this brilliant idea would occur to someone other than me, like maybe the trained law enforcement agent.
1:21:41 The policeman is over and out, and I remain smarter than the film.
1:26:25 Elisabeth Shue receives a knife to the gut. She didn’t see it coming, and neither did I.
1:30:32 Pop quiz: Your mother is bleeding out from a knife wound from to the stomach and you’ve just shot her attacker three times. Do you go and try to get help, or do you slowly approach the serial killer with the knife beside him to see if he’s really dead?
1:31:14 He wasn’t dead and grabbed her–as we all knew he would–but we could not predict the dying mum coming back from the dead to hit him with a hammer.
1:33:07 Jump forward, the ladies are moving out and Ryan is institutionalised and J-Law misses the love they shared but not the psychosis.
- WTF!?’s: Only 5
- When to Follow: When you’re a 15 year old girl with a heart of gold who’s nonetheless attracted to bad boys.
- What To Feedback: Caption This!
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