WTF: Resident Evil (2002)

Resident Evil (2002) 09 (WTF Watch the Film)
Resident Evil (2002) 01 Poster (WTF Watch the Film)
Play Again?

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be digging deep into the heart of Resident Evil to see what makes it tick. I will lay to rest its myths, unearth its plot, and resuscitate its mystique so read on only if you have already seen Resident Evil or don’t plan to.

Resident Evil (2002) 02 (WTF Watch the Film)
His barf is worse than his bite

0:02:50 Whoever designed a lab that treats Biohazards with an air vent that leads to every other room in the building missed a very important class in Architect School.

0:04:40 The virus is released into the lab. Best ever beginning to a zombie movie (including The English Patient).

0:08:17 One of the few films where crawling out of a lift stuck between floors actually halves the human. Narrow capture.

0:08:53 No woman, not even Milla Jovovich, would make that much of an effort to hide her nudity when she wakes up from a coma. on the floor of a shower. totally alone.

Resident Evil (2002) 02 (WTF Watch the Film)
‘I really must buy a new bed.’

0:13:15 Whenever I watch an action film, I look for this moment when Special Forces come in through the windows to the sound of heavy metal music. This moment created a yardstick by which I judge all action films.

0:15:18 I remember that train in The Hive from the original video game. The film actually does an efficient job of recreating the ambiance of the game. Takes me back to my PS2 days. Yes, I’m dating myself. No, that’s not a masturbation reference.

0:16:54 A crack team with elite training whose members hear noises in a hostile environment and tell themselves ‘Must be my imagination, even if I heard it three times. Not worth mentioning to the rest of the team’? That’s the wrong kind of crack.

Resident Evil (2002) 04 (WTF Watch the Film)
“I know you’re listening to One Direction.”

0:27:00 Drowned floating zombie opens her eyes and puts her hand on the glass creepily. Well done, drowned floating zombie, well done.

0:32:49 Killer scene with the lasers and body bits that slide off like Michael Jackson on a windy day.

0:33:14 On the other hand, why does the laser get more and more difficult to avoid? Wouldn’t it just start out at the mesh level to eliminate everything the first time?

0:34:34 All the people were made into diced cubes, so why is the pulse bomb they left in the bag in the hallway still in one piece? WTF!?

0:36:36 “You’re all going to die down here.” Iconic line delivered in a proper English accent by a proper English girl. (Also the slogan of my favourite salve against pubic lice.)

0:36:56 The genetic monsters in the mechanical cocoons are reminiscent of Aliens. Time to play… Homage or pillage?

0:38:01 Let the unleashing of the zombies begin.

0:42:14 More great rock and roll soundtrack to accompany the killing. Nicely played.

0:45:42 One of the paramilitary was eaten alive… and not in the good way. It might have been the leader, but honestly all the men in this movie look the same–it’s as though the casting director only employed men that reminded her of her daddy.

Resident Evil (2002) 05 (WTF Watch the Film)
Chad has good taste

0:47:36 Oh yes, the devil dogs. This film actually follows the video game quite closely. Like a devil Doberman.

0:49:51 Awesome fight scene with the devil dogs. Very well filmed and nice twists.

0:50:23 More great heavy metal and slo-mo action… What more could you ask of something that has no hands?

Resident Evil (2002) 07 (WTF Watch the Film)
Michelle Rodriguez after seeing her first penis

0:51:42 He took the time to read a woman’s name on her badge out loud. This means we shall be seeing said woman as a zombie sooner rather than later.

0:52:24 Didn’t take me long to be right.

0:58:54 Rather boring description of the bad science behind the zombies and we didn’t even ask for it.

Resident Evil (2002) 08 (WTF Watch the Film)
Brain Food

0:59:33 Granted this is one of the earliest new zombie films, but it took them this long to learn they need to shoot zombies in the head to kill them?

1:01:17 Michelle Rodriguez is at her sexiest when wielding a weapon. If I were her, and sometimes I pretend I am, I’d be packing wherever I went.

Resident Evil (2002) 09 (WTF Watch the Film)
Wanted: Undead or Alive

1:14:08 Her fake husband was the bad guy. No surprise there. If someone’s going to betray you, it’s probably going to be your spouse. #Innit

1:17:03 Pop quiz: You’ve been bitten by a contagious zombie but you have the antidote loaded into a syringe pressed up against your arm and you hear a noise. Do you take the half second and finish injecting the antivirus or do you stop everything and risk falling prey to the disease because you’re curious? There you go being smarter than the movie, too.

1:27:09 Nicely done, if a bit routine, fight against the tongue monster. Again, the soundtrack is amazing. As is the tongue.

1:30:28 Alice / Milla Jovovich gets captured by scientists. First ending.

Resident Evil (2002) 10 (WTF Watch the Film)
Heil Milla!

1:31:06 Alice wearing two paper tablecloths tied together. Interesting fashion choice…for a woman in a trailer park.

1:32:31 Alice wakes up alone and can’t see the zombies on the other side of the two way mirror. The film that can’t stop ending…like a zombie?!

Resident Evil (2002) 06 (WTF Watch the Film)
“That’s no zombie, that’s Nicole Kidman!”

1:34:01 We see Raccoon City devastated, then cut to credits.

1:34:17 Good metal punk during the credits.

Tally Ho’

  • WTF!?’s: 5 more or less big ones
  • When to Follow: After you haven’t watched it for at least 3 years. it’ll be much better than you remember it.
  • What To Feedback: Caption This!
Resident Evil (2002) 11 (WTF Watch the Film)
???????????????

In the Comments section, write a caption for this photo to win unbelievable prizes. Seriously, you’ll win and you’ll say, ‘I don’t believe this shite.’

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

Resident Evil (2002) 12 (WTF Watch the Film)
The Michelle Rodriguez blow-up doll
Resident Evil (2002) 13 (WTF Watch the Film)
Alice fails to score during a wet t-short contest. Or after.
Resident Evil (2002) 14 (WTF Watch the Film)
Seems someone has zombie breath
Resident Evil (2002) 15 (WTF Watch the Film)
Michelle Rodriguez as Lindsay Lohan’s gynocolegist

What to Follow Up

Resident Evil Apocalypse 01 Poster (Saint Pauly - WTF Watch the Film)
WTF!? Resident Evil: Apocalypse

7 thoughts on “WTF: Resident Evil (2002)

  1. This review lack credibility because you refer to Michelle Rodriguez as “she” and “her”. I was under the impression that Rodriqguez was a man.

    Nice review, though Paulie. Some pretty funny stuff here. WIsh I could write like this.

    Like

    1. Ah, Sir Rodney, you’re from the Al K Hall school of sexuality, I see. In fact I’ve just finished watching Girl Fight and while there are some definite masculine characteristics, even as a boxer Ms Rodriguez is a charming young lady.

      And thanks ever so much for the compliments! Hyperbole suits you. 🙂

      WTF! Rodney, Watch the Film!

      Saint Paulie

      Like

  2. There was another Biohazard film also released the same time as Resident Evil in 2002 that ends with an enlarged unclear picture and was a 100% better too and much longer too and that girl really looked like an Angel and there were twins in the film that looked Michelle Rodriques and the girl that played the main part was naked most of the time and had no weapon and gets beaten up badly and bitten by the zombies. She goes onto a train full of zombies and into an elevator that leads to fully white apartments. The zombies appear invissible at first and are very hairy and when they sank their teeth into her flesh they turn back into human. In the beginning the Angelgirl wakes up on a maroon pillow on the ground with others fully naked. What happened to this film and why is it not available anymore? It was advertised in You and Huisgenoot magazine also around 2001/2 along with Resident Evil.

    Like

    1. Hello Johan,

      Thanks so much for the visit. I’ve just spent about half an hour looking for the film you reference and, unfortunately, came up empty. It didn’t sound familiar and I was unable to locate anything resembling it on the internet. Which is a pity, because it sounds like an absolutely wonderful film! If you ever learn the name, please do stop by again and leave a comment, as I would love to see / review it.

      Thanks again for the visit, Johan, and WTF!? (Watch the Film),

      Saint Pauly

      Like

      1. Hi Saint Pauly I’m sure it was also called Biohazard and there were also Biohazard signs all over the place and in the beginning the woman is standing on top of a huge antique clock like it’s the Last Days or the end times in the Bible, but the film was advertised in You and Huisgenoot magazine with that enlarged blur picture in 2001/2 I’m not sure anymore and it also ends with that Blurry enlarged picture. This girl had layered bop hair much sexier than Milla Jovovich and the much beautifull green-eyed angel eyes. I’m sure the film was 4 hours long and it looks like a zombiefilm out of the spiritual world, because I’ve never seen a woman like that before on tv or in real live and she wore no make-up and even beats the best top models worldwide with that face. You must see Her to believe it. She also had these slow motion movements sometimes and when She daydreams She becomes even more beautifull. This film will throw Resident Evil fully off the market if it was discovered. I think very little people cared to watch it, because of the Blurry film cover and must’ve thought is was crap and looked pass it, but I was so lucky to visit a friend in Boksburg in Gauteng who got it and showed it to me and it puts You on a spiritual trip to another world without 3d glasses or even drugs if You see that girl and how innocent She looks and even more than Madonna can too. She is incredible to see. If You go through all You and Huisgenoot dvd releases during 2001 and 2002 You’ll find it. Just look there where they advertise a film with an enlarged blur filmcover and You’ll get it, but please let me know too, because it looks like I simply can’t get it through You magazine and mayby, because I’m South-African and those Magazines are from here. They play death metal music through many parts of the film

        Like

        1. Hello Johan,

          I did some more research with the information you provided and still came up empty. “Biohazard” in IMDB yields only a series of video games. The closes I could find was a film called Biohazardous from 2001 with Sprague Grayden, from Paranormal Activity 2 & 3. Sorry I couldn’t be of more assistance! If you ever find a link for the film or the name of someone in it, please pass it on. I’d like to review it here, though 4 hours sounds pretty gruelling!

          ¿¡WTF!? Johan! (Watch the film)

          Saint Pauly

          Like

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