WTF: Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)

Resident Evil Apocalypse 03 (Saint Pauly - WTF Watch the Film)
Resident Evil Apocalypse 01 Poster (Saint Pauly - WTF Watch the Film)
Except how to dress myself

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be reviving Resident Evil: Apocalypse, and in this delicate operation I shall lay bare the heart of the film while exposing it’s guts and glory, so read on only if you’ve already seen Resident Evil: Apocalypse or don’t plan to.

Resident Evil Apocalypse 02 (Saint Pauly - WTF Watch the Film)
Let Us Prey

0:02:22 The film begins before Resident Evil ends because at the end of that first one, Raccoon City was devastated but here it’s business as usual.

0:06:31 Have you seen Jill Valentine’s police uniform? To quote Sir Mick Jagger, ‘She make a dead man come.’ (And in this film, that could happen.)

Resident Evil Apocalypse 03 (Saint Pauly - WTF Watch the Film)
Her uniform is department issues

0:11:15 In a daring rescue, a hero rescues a girl who was bitten but she knows what it means to be bitten, so she jumps off of the skyscraper. Once bitten, twice die.

0:15:49

You do what you have to do, I’m staying,

–says the scientist in the wheelchair

Why is no one laughing, because he must be joking. If some goon starts pushing the wheelchair into a plane, it’s not as though he can get up and run the other way.

0:18:34 A lot of time is taken to show Alice was experimented on before she escaped. Flashbacks are also zombies, eating the brains of this film.

Resident Evil Apocalypse 04 (Saint Pauly - WTF Watch the Film)
Brain Drain

0:19:14 There are no zombies in the church. #irony

0:20:02 I’d forgotten about the weather girl with the hand cam that has unlimited recording capacity and never runs out of batteries. In 2004.

Resident Evil Apocalypse 05 (Saint Pauly - WTF Watch the Film)
‘Bitch, why are you filming that empty pew?’

0:23:45 More attempts at suspense than action, and unfortunately they’re as lame as a one-legged zombie.

0:26:38 The action arrives with Alice.

0:27:17

GTA, mother fucker!

–says man who escaped police station earlier, as he runs over zombies in his large American car

Cute video game reference in a film based on another video game. Like Inception, only fun.

0:27:27 Topless streetwalkers on the pavement. They might be zombies, but how does one tell with a prostitute?

0:30:26 Unfortunately, the actress (Sienna Guillory) they chose to play Jill Valentine looks like Jill more than she acts like Jill. Unless, of course, the real Jill Valentine is an emotionless blob of robot jelly, in which case Sienna’s portrayal is spot on.

Resident Evil Apocalypse 06 (Saint Pauly - WTF Watch the Film)
How to turn on a car

0:34:06 I should probably mention there’s a trio of swarthy looking SWAT blokes I have absolutely no interest in, wandering the city.

0:37:16

I’m surprised there’s anyone left.

They’re STARS: Special Tactics And Rescue Service. They’re the best.

If they’re the best and there are twelve of them, you’d think at least one would know you have to shoot a zombie in the head and not in the bullet proof armour. I really, really dislike zombie movies when no one ever tries to shoot a zombie in the head even after emptying 1000 rounds into his body to no effect.

Resident Evil Apocalypse 08 (Saint Pauly - WTF Watch the Film)
Alice got her trousers 1/2 off

0:42:18 Milla vs Nemesis, Round 1. Forget Nemesis–if my wee sister had a rapid fire super weapon like that, she’d be a bad ass as well.

0:45:51 The trio of swarthy lads is now a duet. They belong to the same Special Education Forces as those who didn’t go for a head shot. How do I know this? Because one of them was bitten by a zombie and doesn’t seem the least bit concerned. This is why America will fall first in the Zombie Apocalypse.

0:51:53 Weather girl just got eaten for school lunch because she didn’t know that you have to hear a person speak before you can be sure it’s not a zombie. Zombies should be obscene and not heard.

Resident Evil Apocalypse 06 (Saint Pauly - WTF Watch the Film)
No Class

0:58:52

They infected you [with the T-virus] as well?

Yes, but don’t worry, it’s not contagious.’

–said Milla with the same smile she uses for discussing STD viruses

1:00:49 Running down the side of a building in slo-mo? Very cool, if anyone should ask.

1:04:4 Milla vs Nemesis: the Rematch.

1:06:34 How can you tell if a fight scene is well filmed? The shots don’t jump around more than the actors, and angles don’t change 3 times every 5 seconds. Ah, if only the director had been as clever as you and asked me this same question before filming this scene.

Resident Evil Apocalypse 09 (Saint Pauly - WTF Watch the Film)
Alice gets rear ended

1:13:07 The evil head of Umbrella Corporation is left to be eaten by zombies. Just desserts.

1:15:03 Nicely filmed leveling of Raccoon City by a nuclear bomb ends with Milla being impaled by flying shrapnel. Think meat lolly.

1:17:45 Al K Hall has asked me to note any moment when Milla appears naked.

Resident Evil Apocalypse 10 (Saint Pauly - WTF Watch the Film)
After a night at Al’s Bar None

1:20:17 Milla fighting a room of people with only her right hand because she has to hold up a sheet over her boobs with her left is ridiculous.

Resident Evil Apocalypse 11 (Saint Pauly - WTF Watch the Film)
Cold shower, anyone?

1:23:15 She’s rescued by her friends but she’s been made into a traitor android zombie.

1:23:21 A nice metal song to watch the credits by.

1:25:02 Message interrupting credits to say film is an Umbrella Corporation production.

Tally Ho’

  • WTF!?’s: Only 4.
  • When to Follow: Only after watching the first instalment. Resident Evil: Apocalypse does not stand on its own all that well.
  • What To Feedback: Vote and let your zombie voice be heard!

What to Follow-up

resident-evil-2002-01-poster-wtf-watch-the-film
WTF!? Resident Evil
the-day-2011-poster-wtf-saint-pauly
WTF!? The Day

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