I shall be attacking this review of Sharknado by ripping the film open and exposing its guts for the world to see. Read on only if you have already seen Sharknado or don’t plan to.
Before beginning, I’d like to give a little shout out to Sir Rodney over at Fernby Films who spotted this in the sea of film news and placed it on my horizon.
00:00:02 Yes, the action begins that quickly. So quickly, in fact, I’m not sure my version hasn’t been truncated like a shark victim. We see a swarm of sharks swimming away from a tornado / waterspout on the ocean. Who knew there are so many sharks not smart enough to swim deeper during a storm? The SyFy channel, that’s who.
0:00:59 Ahh, I suspected it was too good to be true. The excitement was just the opening credits. Now we’re to the real beginning which is a boat of boring fishermen fishing for boring fish. I’m sure this is the real beginning because the exciting music has stopped.
A pod of 20,000 sharks is migrating in this direction
–explains a Hispanic captain negotiating on his boat with an Asian buyer in a suit
All we need is a handicapped woman and all our politically correct boxes will be checked.
0:03:32 From a sunny, calm day to an Imperfect Storm in under 2 minutes. And you were worried this film was going to be scientifically accurate. A little WTF squall.
0:04:05 There we go! First victim! A mate (as in ‘sailor’ and not ‘someone who buys the next round’) is standing on deck, calling to the captain below, when a flying shark takes him out.
0:04:15 The Asian in a business suit takes a gun and the tackle box full of 1 million dollars and runs out on deck. He’s on a small boat! How far does he think he’ll be able to run!?
0:04:58 You know how sharks can smell blood? While still on the boat, the captain shoots the negotiator in the leg so that a shark can smell it from the water, jump onto the railing of the boat, and get some Asian take out.
0:05:21 Cut to the shore where the weather is beautiful and the credits roll like the tide. Oh, look! Tara Reid is in this (speaking of handicapped women). I shall have to tell Al K Hall, as Tara is his muse, mentor and deity.
0:07:32 Jump to John Heard as a boozer at a bar on a pier, where we learn Hurricane David is what is to blame for all the sharks that will soon be reigning on our parade.
0:08:16 Bikini Waitress has a series of scars on her leg that look like they were caused by a shark but she refuses to talk about it because … no idea. Maybe the shark said she had bad taste?
Journalist: The silver lining of the super storm is that it has driven away the recent influx of sharks in our area.
John Heard: Good. Good, hope it does. I hope it kills them all.
Bikini Waitress with Shark Scars: Me, too. You have no idea.
Um, yes, we do have an idea. A pretty good idea, actually.
0:11:39 The sharks are now attacking people standing in the break water. Soon, they’ll be eating people on the beach and drinking their sodas to wash down the breasts and thighs cooked extra crispy in the sunshine with coconut flavoured tanning oil.
0:13:39 ‘Baz’, the Tasmanian jet ski rider, gets a small shark scratch while sitting on his jet ski. His buddy (‘Fin’ Finley—see what they did there?) takes him back to shore, where the lifeguards help him immediately, running past the man sitting on the shore crying and staring at the stump where his leg used to be.
0:14:40 They’re all back in the bar, talking now, even Baz who doesn’t go to the hospital after his ‘attack’. Well, not all are back at the bar. Noticeably absent is the man missing half his leg.
0:14:55 The weather has gone back to perfectly sunny again. Maybe the storm is circling them, like…. A SHARKNADO!!!
0:16:42 In less than 2 minutes, the first hurricane ever to hit the Californian coast is back in full force. The bad news is, it’s the “result of global warming”. This is bad news because their script is funnier than any jokes I could ever write.
0:17:42 Tara plays Fin’s ex-wife.
0:19:28 A shark breaks into the bar through the window and tries to eat a patron until Bikini Waitress stabs it with a pool cue.
0:20:08 Fin (who owns the bar) throws everyone out because of the storm, but when the patrons leave, they walk into the tidal waves crashing onto the bar.
0:20:34 Bikini Waitress aims her shotgun at the shark chasing her along the pier (never thought I’d write that sentence!) but refuses to shoot for some odd reason (maybe this one reminds her of her agent), so John Heard has to step in and kill it with his bar stool.
0:21:04 The CGI sharks are bloody awful. They look like hand drawn Muppets.
0:21:11 Tasmanian Baz forces a propane tank into a shark’s mouth and Fin shoots it, making the shark explode. This is also the end to what famous shark film? Anyone? Anyone?
0:21:21 Speaking of Bueller, the Ferris wheel falls off and chases our heroes along the pier. Reminiscent of 1941. The second Spielberg reference in 5 seconds so it’s time to play,
0:22:18 Fin is sad because his bar is wrecked and he didn’t take out any Sharknado insurance.
0:23:28 The Ferris wheel comes to rest in an apartment complex and, it would seem, as there are no emergency vehicles of any kind around it, the city is perfectly content to leave it that way. Someone’s being taken for a ride.
0:24:27 California is flooding, so the sharks are now able to swim in the streets (and not just the film studios).
0:27:24 Water breaches the motorway and the Bikini Waitress says,
It’s like Old Faithful!
WTF!? Old Faithful is a geyser or a porn moniker, not a flood.
0:28:24 Horrible, just horrible atrocious editing. The sharks are swimming on the on-ramp to the motorway and eating people left and right, yet when they show the pavement, there’s no water on it!
0:28:53 Our team (Fin, Baz, Bikini Waitress and Boozer Heard) go back to rescue those ‘trapped’ on the ramp. ‘Rescuing’ means running to them and pointing to higher ground.
0:29:40 We lose Boozer Heard when he saves a dog with his barstool and then stands there waiting for another wave to wash a shark right on top of him, literally, in the sense the shark lands on him vertically and so doesn’t even have to chew as Heard disappears into him.
0:32:19 The three remaining posse are on their way to Fin’s ex’s house where she lives with their daughter and her new boyfriend.
0:33:15 Sharks are shooting out of the sewers and Bikini Waitress shoots them mid air.
0:33:28 LOL! When he was talking about his daughter, I was expecting a 9-year-old girl, but she’s a 25-year-old drop out! (I just checked, Claudia / Aubrey Peeples is 22.)
0:34:10 Pissing contest between the new boyfriend (who looks to be the same age as Claudia) and Fin? Tough to call, as they’re both pretty big dicks.
0:34:56 Dear God, thank you for letting me see a shark attack in someone’s living room.
0:36:25 Tara Reid isn’t too broken up about her boyfriend getting eaten to death right in front of her. He must not have been good in bed. Or she’s drunk.
Looks like it’s that time of the month.
–Baz the Tasmanian referring to the bloody water flooding the living room
So bad I can’t stop giggling like a school girl (who’s not on her period).
0:38:20 The house is flooded, but the drive is just a little damp. They just needed to open a door to get rid of the shark! This film has more WTFs than a Scooby Doo cartoon.
0:39:07 Tara Reid doesn’t seem too upset that her house just exploded from being filled with water and sharks. Or maybe it’s the botox. Or she’s drunk. And not just drunk, Tara Reid drunk.
The eye of Hurricane David is continuing its relentless pounding through the streets of Los Angeles.
–Journalist on the radio
WTF!? Evidently, the writer dropped out of science class. When he was 8.
0:42:03 Fin is in the car with Baz the Taz, Bikini Waitress, Ex Tara, and Claudia the middle aged daughter on his way to pick up his son, Matt, who’s in flight school. Fin stops on a bridge to rappel down to a school bus with tinted windows (WTF!? Los Angeles public school brats) in case there are kids in it. But there’s no rain. And it’s perfectly sunny. Perhaps it’s the eye of Hurricane David continuing its relentless pounding—of sunshine.
0:45:13 There are perhaps 30 teenaged children on the school bus and the Tasmanian has to pull each of them up one by one while both women simply thrust their thumbs in the air simultaneously and tell him to keep pulling. What makes it especially hard on Bazmanian is that it’s really balmy now.
0:46:27 The kids are safe. All that’s left is the overweight teacher from Wyoming wearing a ski jacket (WTF!?). He’s not very brave so I’m guessing he’s wearing a red shirt under his heavy coat.
0:46:35 I was wrong. Wyoming is still safe…and boring.
0:47:01 As Fin climbs up last, a shark jumps higher than Shamu at Sea World, bites the rope, begins climbing the rope to catch up to Fin, gets tied up in the rope and continues to eat his way up it as though it were a licorice whip, all the time not dying despite the fact it’s well clear of the water now and has been for a long while. WTF!?
0:47:16 Only after he nears the top, and Baz has been pulling both him and the shark up the whole time, does Fin decide to cut the rope beneath him and send the shark back into the water. The only way this could have been better is if they’d had the shark scream the whole way down.
0:47:50 They squeezed all 30 kids into the back of one ambulance.
0:49:04 Wyoming is killed by a piece of the Hollywood sign that was torn apart by the wind. Turns out Hollywood does kill. Or at least the “W”.
0:49:59 They see the water spouts tearing through Los Angeles…and the sharks swimming in the middle of them!
0:50:08 Sharks are flipping their tales and waiting on helipads for the tornado! This is the definition of WTF!?
0:50:49 A shark landed on the roof of their SUV (Sharks Über Violent) and is eating its way through the metal to attack them.
0:51:49 The car is leaking gas…so it combusts spontaneously…as soon as they are clear of it.
0:56:48 They arrive in a stolen truck at the airfield.
Why is there a retirement home next to an airport?
Because old people can’t hear.
It’s time to leave Kansas, mate.
–Baz the Taz, who may not have ever seen a movie before in his life.
Or acted in one.
It happened once in Perth. Hundreds of perch fell from the sky, why not sharks?
Because they weigh hundreds times more than bait fish?
1:00:39 The sun’s back out once more. This film’s full of dangers. Like sunburn.
Dad, I have an idea. I’ll be right back. [To Bikini Waitress] Come with me.
–Son, as he leads Bikini Waitress away from the group
He really does mean “Come with me”. It’s OK, though, because Son is Claudia’s older brother, which makes him the same age as their dad.
1:03:19 The lad talks about flying a helicopter into the storm and dropping home-made bombs into the water spouts to kill the sharks and destroy the tornado (according to Baz’s science—this the same man who said a water spout could pick up perch, so why not sharks).
In other news, Bikini Waitress offers to go up with Matt (the son) in the chopper to “get his back” (teen sex talk, I imagine). She’ll end up with him because he’s 5 years younger than his father, this despite the fact that she’d expressed interest several times in the father during the film and he even told her she looked hot when she “cocked a rifle”. (Note: not a euphemism.)
But Tara’s lover died so she’s available. Thus, the husband has to go back to his ex, it’s a law in American film making.
You guys are always there for [Matt], but you’re never there for me.
–Claudia to her dad
Oh bitch, please. He picked you up first.
1:04:51 Daddy Fin just told her the same thing. Without the “Bitch, please.”
1:07:00 Bikini Waitress tells Matt the story of her scars to make him pity sex her.
Six people went into the water. Only one little girl came out. They took my Grandfather. That’s why I hate sharks.
Now I really hate sharks too!
–adds Matt about to lose his virginity
1:10:16 I. Love. This. Bloody. Film! From the ground, the father shoots sharks that are heading towards the chopper piloted by his son. Don’t forget this means the father is standing under the chopper and the chopper is at the edge of the tornado, yet the ground where the father is standing is dry and there’s no wind. Sharknado will be the film by which all other WTFs!? will be judged!!!
We’re gonna need a bigger chopper.
1:11:48 They did it. They blew up a Sharknado.
1:12:35 Fin shoots the fish off shoots of the dead tornado as they fall towards him but ignores the one eating his friend’s leg.
1:12:59 Baz gets sucked up into a tornado with the shark eating his leg.
1:13:28 In the retirement home adjacent to the airport where the sharks are raining down and eating people, the old folks are lounging poolside in the sunshine and talking. Apparently Old Age Pensioners have their own micro climate. (It #depends.)
1:15:02 Sharks fall into the pool so the oldie in the pool pulls another old woman in the water with him and they walk around not trying to get out. Apparently they’re too old to want to live. Maybe this is what they’d been waiting for to achieve their suicide pact.
1:15:23 Unfortunately for them, Fin just saved them.
1:15:37 Fin pours one small container of petrol into the pool where the sharks are having no difficulty swimming in the fresh water chlorination, lights a match (in a tornado!) and the pool explodes.
1:17:52 Oh no! Bikini Waitress was stabbing a shark that was eating the helicopter but then falls out of the chopper and lands in the mouth of a flying shark.
1:18:01 Matt is very sad and screaming with the agony of the virginity still growing inside him.
1:18:53 He lands the ‘copter while unconscious.
1:21:36 Dad drives the explosive laden truck dozens of miles away to jump out moments before he sends it into the storm. After running for 2 minutes, he’s no longer on a distant mountain road but in down town LA. In 1 more minute, he’s in the suburbs at the flight club. Now that’s what I call the runs.
1:22:10 The shark is inches from his daughter’s head but he has time to push her out of the way and start the chainsaw before jumping into the falling shark’s mouth and then cutting his way out through the other end.
1:23:14 Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes! He cuts his way out and then reaches back inside AND PULLS OUT BIKINI WAITRESS! I have run out of things to say concerning the beautiful ugliness that is this film.
1:23:44 Dad gives up on her, but Matt rushes over and starts giving her mouth to mouth as though his virginity depended on it.
1:25:00 Bikini Waitress tells Matt her real name (Jenny Lynn) which is tantamount to foreplay in this film and for absolutely no other reason than I predicted it, Tara Reid decides to kiss her ex husband.
Snarknado, are you thinking what I’m thinking? #landshark
- WTF!?’s: 45! FORTY-FIVE!
- When to Follow: As soon as humanly possible. You owe it to yourself to see a film this bad. What makes it so beautiful is that it’s not sarcastically bad, it’s as though they were really trying to make a serious disaster film. Here we have a movie they tried to make as a cult film…and succeeded, which makes it even rarer than a Sharknado.
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