I shall be exploring every avenue of Shuttle, checking out its engine and determining its driving force. Will Shuttle drive us round the bend or be the ride of our lives? Read on only if you’ve already seen Shuttle or don’t plan to.
Chose this from the poster on my SVOD channel. That and the fact it was in English (and not dubbed–don’t ask!).
0:01:03 Selfies of two young women who must be on holiday in England because they’re freezing on a deserted beach and ‘catching a grey’ from the clouds.
0:02:43 In the airport now, two dorky lads (a sleaze and a jock) try to chat up our heroines, so they’re the first to have bodies that will be discovered later. But they’re speaking American English (pity, I’d like to hear the athlete speak a Queen’s English #cwhatIdidthere?) which means they’re not in Brighton. Still the weather is as English as a muffin. What is the most English coast of America? Lake Eerie?
0:06:13 The blonde lets herself get picked up by the sleazy dork that she just saw her friend shoot down. I call WTF: the only rejected leftovers blondes go for have more money than sense.
0:06:56 Oh dear God, you won’t believe me but this film is called Shuttle because it’s a horror film set in an airport shuttle van. Apparently, someone had already made a Mistake.
0:10:52 The driver has taken the shuttle off the main road and into a bad neighbourhood. And the lights in the shuttle keep dimming more and more. The passengers complain but accept the driver’s excuses because, apparently, they belong to a suicide cult.
0:11:58 Ooh, the plot thickens. Now the brunette lass is going to teach the muscular jock how to do sign language for no reason. All the sign language I know is enough for this film. #middlegfinger
0:14:13 There’s no mobile phone service because it’s a film and there’s never service anywhere in a film. Instead, the group offer up hunky dorky as a sacrificial sacrifice to die while changing the shuttle’s tyre.
0:16:29 Didn’t take me long to be right. The van fell off the jack and onto his hand, severing his fingers. Seems his sign language days are over.
0:17:11 The lug nuts magically replaced themselves in the snap of a finger (no offense, hunky dorky with no fingers) and now they’re speeding off. To hospital? Only if I was wrong about the driver’s being a psycho killer.
0:18:34 The driver pulls a pistol from a hollowed-out book of maps. It would appear my touch has not been lost (once again, I apologize to fingerless jock).
0:22:36 At this very moment, the ‘hostages’ are yelling out their ideas on taking the driver out and he doesn’t hear because he…can’t drive and listen at the same time? WTF!?
0:31:04 The driver’s making the brunette do his shopping for him. And here I thought a film about an airport shuttle would run out of gas in the middle.
0:31:34 She’s running through the supermarket with a trolley because he told her she only had 9 minutes. Where she doesn’t run is straight to the cashier to tell her to call emergency services, even though the driver has no way of knowing who she’s talking to our what she’s saying. WTF!? She deserves everything she’s going to get on the poster.
0:35:52 The girl is signing to the security camera that she’s in trouble, or maybe she’s signing, ‘I’m too thick to tell the cashier lady to call the police, so I thought I’d waste my time and give the writer a reason to make me know sign language.’
0:37:54 Meanwhile, the brunette exits the market but the shuttle had been moved. Do you think she then a) runs back inside and tells the cashier ‘Forget the far-fetched note I handed you with the cash telling you to call the police and watch the stupid security camera I made deaf signs at for 20 minutes–just call the police,’ or b) sits down on the pavement and cries?
0:44:03 The brunette and muscular dork cut themselves free with a knife the brunette smuggled and when shuttle driver comes back to them, they cut his hand and take his gun. The only valid reason for anyone not to kill him is that there are no bullets in the pistol. Anything else and I’m happy the kids die because it means their genes shall not be passed on to future generations of victims.
0:48:58 Plot twist I didn’t see coming. Andy the male housewife has only been playing wimpy the whole time. Now he’s killed muscular dork and taken the gun and is telling brunette to stop the shuttle. What I did see coming is that she should’ve shot when she had the chance.
1:00:42 The girls subterfuged a tyre lever crashed the shuttle after playing whack-a-psycho.
1:03:03 Blondie is OK because she was wearing her safety belt. She grabs the knife and cuts herself free and makes a break for it, remembering her promise to brunette that if either of them had the chance to make a break for it, they would. Unfortunately, blondie is looking for a car but had forgotten they’re in Shropshire USA.
1:03:09 She’s running without looking back, but she did throw away the knife because… hell if I know. If you can think of any reason why a slutty blonde being tortured by psychos would cast away her only weapon, please share with the rest of the readers in the comments. [start them off]
1:03:58 Finally, after over an hour, there’s another car. If it’s a good Samaritan who gets killed because he helps, I give this film a point. If it’s turns out to be yet another psycho who’s joining they party late, this film owes me big time.
1:05:32 Score one for the film as the shuttle comes out of nowhere, literally, and Samaritan catches the bus…on his chin.
1:09:13 Off-camera, original psycho (the only remaining psycho) is burning a tattoo off blondie’s arse. I’ve always heard tattoo removal is a pain in the ass.
1:09:22 Wait a moment, brunette is still trapped in the safety belt in the car? Haven’t all the safety belts been cut through at least once by randomly escaping victims? The safety belt holding the brunette was cut minutes ago so the blonde could escape. I call WTF.
1:12:12 The girls are locked in a toilet and blondie tells brunette she slept with her fiancé and that I was right to dub her slutty. I’m fascinated that with all they’ve gone through, the viewer is supposed to care about teen pecadillos. The only way to make the viewers care now is to show the blonde during the actual riding of the brunette’s fiancé.
1:15:35 I don’t think they should wait for the coppers. The psycho had been doing this for 5 years and has a drawer-ful of his victims’ IDs, so it would seem the police are as present as the rest of the people in the town. In fact, the real mystery is where he finds his victims in this place where there is no other life form in the region.
1:16:05 In less than 5 minutes, the blonde slut dyed the brunette’s hair blonde perfectly and even dried it. If she lives through this, I think we know what career she should pursue. #PornMakeup
1:17:13 The bra scene from the poster. It would seem the film poster is designed to spare you watching this drivel by showing you the end scene even before you enter the cinema.
1:19:35 They’re clearly not English girls because these young ladies silently comply and turn slowly in unison in their underwear. An English girl would be prattling on throughout the entire ordeal. ‘Oi! If it’s going to look at our naughty bits, it’s going to buy us dinner afterwards, innit.’
1:23:01 That’s embarrassing. Original psycho found slutty blonde’s medicine and she had to tell him it was for her yeast infection. Note to self, if I’m ever kidnapped to be sold into white slavery, confessing to all my STDs will make me a less desirable commodity and so I’ll be tossed like the garbage I am.
1:25:36 Killed over a yeast infection. I’ll wager slutty blonde didn’t realize the disease was terminal when she caught it.
1:30:19 Brunette stabs him in the leg with a mirror shard, hits him on the head with a random bit of machinery, then runs to the restroom and pulls the gun from the toilet. But psycho emptied the gun on the floor so she only has enough time to shoot him once in the head. In this movie, that won’t be enough.
1:32:02 The man she shot is so much not dead that he’s fighting her as she tries to drive the van out of the carpark.
1:32:26 He’s got a lot of fight for a man who’s been stabbed in the leg and shot in the head. Enough fight to nail her into a shipping crate.
1:35:35 Hours later, in the shipping crate she notices for the first time (and it is not all that spacious) that all the things she bought at the market are meant to help her make the journey across the sea. For example there’s a kitty litter box for her to pee in and water and a torch and a photo of several naked white slaves looking a little worse for wear. That will only come in handy if she’s a sadistic lesbian who compulsively masturbates.
1:37:14 Her lost bag arrives on the luggage carousel back at the airport while her freighter his the open seas. This was actually meant to be irony. Somehow.
1:37:18 No music during end credits to make us realize how dramatic all this is. Trust me, the situation is pretty dramatic.
- WTF!?’s: At least 11
- When to Follow: When you live in a country with limited English movies on the telly and you have to choose between this and going to bed when you’re not in the least tired so you could read Philip Roth’s Pulitzer Prize winning American Pastoral, which requires more mental energy than you can muster at this late hour. Then and only then, should you watch The Shuttle.
- What To Feedback: A reason why a slutty blonde being tortured by psychos would cast off her only weapon.