I shall be examining this film more closely than any other reviewer has ever done since the dawn of man. I will be making the funniest jokes that you have ever read in your entire adult life as a reader, using the most hyper hyperbole any writer has ever dared post on the internet, and you will understand this film in deeper depth than any other you have seen with your own eyes, so read on only if you have already seen the shite out of Evil Dead, or don’t plan to.
0:02:08 Young woman with unfortunate hygiene being chased through a forest by loud noises. And a man with a burlap sack. And a boy with a rifle. Could be Wal-mart if it weren’t for the trees.
0:03:05 She’s tied to a post in a cellar where her father steps out of a pack of zombies in the basement and tells the girl she killed her mother. The girl, on the other hand, claims she has no idea what he’s talking about. Typical father – daughter exchange, in other words.
0:04:37 He douses her with petrol from a water bottle. As he fights to strike a match, she turns into a devil (think Margaret Thatcher on her period with sandpaper tampons). He shoots her in the head with a shotgun and tells her he loves her while she burns. She’s gone but not forgotten. Or gone, for that matter.
0:07:25 We have the central characters now. A handsome brunette lad, his skinny blonde waif girlfriend, a John Lennon style intellectual high school teacher, his sufficiently exotic girlfriend and the handsome chap’s lonely, troubled sister who draws (and not just sympathy). All in their 20’s (and not just their IQs).
I promise to never touch this shit again.
Little sister while ritualistically emptying a bag of powder into the well
Ah, the group is at this abandoned cabin to help her quit heroin “Cold Turkey” in another John Lennon tribute.
0:12:42 Boring sibling back story about a dead mum and how the brother didn’t come home to visit, but sister was at her bedside in the hospital until the end. This entire exchange makes me think the mother probably died of boredom.
0:14:58 Mia’s withdrawal symptoms are as dramatic as a six-year-old when the telly’s broken.
0:15:37 Mia says she smells dead people and while the others are telling her she’s just extra sensitive, the dog called Grandpa pulls a carpet away and reveals a trap door to the basement painted with dried blood.
Mia: What’s your medical diagnosis now?
Exotic Nurse: It fucking stinks.
They open the booby hatch and the smell wafts over them like the sound of buzzing flies.
0:16:59 Turning on the lights in the basement, they see dozens of happy tree friends strung up with barbed wire hanging from the ceiling. Like every teen in every horror movie ever, they enter the room and walk amongst the no longer mobile mobile. [Let that joke take its time to settle in a moment, won’t you?]
0:17:38 A book of magic spells wrapped in a garbage bag and barbed wire. The Goebbels Prize for Literature.
0:19:16 The next day, John Lennon decides to open the book (why did he wait so long? to give peace a chance?) alone in a room and I don’t know if he can hear it whispering to him like we can, but if the book can talk, why open it?
0:19:41 He sees the book cover is human flesh and still decides to hold off informing any of his friends in the next room. Because WTF!? Or maybe he thinks it’s like a skin mag…
0:20:20 He gets a paper cut that makes him bleed all over the pages, little anaemic that he is, and reads huge warnings carved into the pages with blood extolling readers not to say the words or hear them or write them. He proceeds to write the words and say them and hear them. Fake John Lennon is not as intellectual or peace loving as the real John Lennon.
0:23:14 Mia freaks out because now she sees dead people and she tells living people she wants to go home but they won’t let her. She takes the car keys into a bedroom and no one thinks maybe it’s so she can climb out a window and drive away. What does it say about your intelligence when the heroine addict suffering withdrawals can pull a fast one on you?
0:24:32 She crashes the car into a lake of sludge while avoiding the ghost of the demon girl from the beginning of the film. Road killed.
0:25:51 Demon girl pops up out of the sludge and Mia runs away into a briar patch. #Thornyproblem
0:27:10 Possessed girl comes and vomits a snake vine that slithers up Mia’s leg and enters her like the other sort of wood.
0:28:37 When Mia returns to the cabin, exotic nurse uses ‘withdrawal’ to explain away the ghost in the forest, the possession, the cuts on Mia’s arms, and the reasons not to go to the hospital. ‘Withdrawal’ is this film’s ‘global warming’.
0:29:38 Interesting lighting choice. She’s got a lot of hairs in her nose for a young lady.
I think it’s in here, right now, with us.
Mia panic whispering to her brother
Of course it’s in there, right now, with you, Luv. You watched it go up inside of you!
0:31:48 After seeing an illustration in the magic book of a girl being impregnated by an evil vine, exotic nurse tells John Librariannon to get his arse in basement to help the brother cut down dead cats.
0:32:32 The dog was attacked off-camera and has run to hide in a shed. My advice would be to never be a dog in a horror film, they’re always the first to go.
0.33:19 Brother has a vision of his sister whacking the pooch with a hammer. Not as much fun as beating the bishop with a vengeance.
0:34:28 Brother bursts in on Sister showering but does not find her naked. Apparently demons bathe with their nightgowns on. She does, however, turn the hot water up to maximum and so develops blisters that appear so fast we can watch them. This is as hot as she’ll be the entire film.
0:34:58 John Librariannon goes to the magic book and finds a picture of a lass burning herself with boiling water. He’s beginning to suspect something, and it’s not that dinner’s almost ready.
0:36:34 Mia comes out of the bedroom with a shotgun, and one wonders why they left a crazed drug addict going through withdrawal alone with a shotgun in the first place. Instead of trying to get the gun from her, the four other people in the room simply repeat her name over and over. Good thing they aren’t police officers.
0:37:18 Mia shoots her brother in the arm and the demon spirit breaks into the room.
0:38:03 Exotic nurse is thrown to the floor by Mia, who straddles her and commences to throw up blood all over nurse’s face. Also known as lesbian initiation.
0:39:41 Exotic nurse sees her reflection in the mirror and could very well now be asking “Whatever possessed me?” If she did, the answer would be: Mia’s bloody vomit.
0:40:31 She’s glued to the bedroom floor by evil, and we can see her inner struggle become outer and run down her leg. And from its colour, it would appear she drinks her tea straight and strong.
0:43:09 She’s cut out her own tongue and John slips on it and falls, so she jumps on him, stabs him with a knife and tried to put a needle in his eye but misses. Cross my heart, hope to die, almost stick a needle in my eye.
0:43:35 Now the guy who’s shot (Brother David) decides to watch his friend beating exotic nurse’s head into mush with the toilet tank lid. Fifty-first way to leave your lover.
0:46:29 Demon Mia fake cries and pleads with Natalie to help her because her leg is hurt, so Natalie decides to go down the stairs into the basement, proving dogs and blondes have similar life span shortages in horror films.
0:48:11 Demon Mia begins to go down on Natalie. The devil is truly horny.
I can smell your filthy soul.
Demon Mia to Natalie
‘That’s not my soul,’ is what I would say if I were Natalie.
0:48:54 Demon Mia licks the blade of the box cutter, splitting her tongue in two, and then French kisses Natalie with both halves. One way to put the devil inside.
0:49:18 Brother David finally opens the trap door because he doesn’t know Mia’s got the devil inside. Demon Mia comes onto him with a man’s voice and a monster’s face (think Soho after five pints).
0:51:33 Natalie (the blonde) has gone to the kitchen to have her goose cooked. Once there, she tries to clean the bite wound Mia gave her her hand, but the only kind of water that will clean that up is holy.
0:52:48 The demon disease is spreading throughout Natalie’s arm while she watches it, yet she doesn’t think to call out to anyone for a hand.
0:54:02 Natalie cuts off her own arm with an automatic kitchen knife and remains surprisingly quiet while doing so. She screams only after she’s finished and there’s so much blood the electricity goes out. WTF!?
0:55:13 David applies a tourniquet to Natalie’s stub (which has already stopped bleeding anyway) with duct tape. If duct tape can’t fix it, it can’t be fixed.
0:57:42 Nathalie has turned and is now shooting nails with a nail gun but she’s got it pointed at her own face so she’s becoming even more of a pinhead.
0:58:06 Now the boys are getting nailed. It must be more pleasant than it looks because they’re just sitting there on the floor watching her drill them.
0:59:21 Now the one armed girlfriend is beating David up with a crowbar. He may have to retake his test of manhood.
1:01:28 In a surprising moment of “this is what I would do if I were them” Brian takes John Librariannon to the car to escape. John makes Brian promise to kill him if he turns into a zombie.
1:02:19 Now, back once more in film reality, David’s going back into the house to burn it. Bad plan.
1:03:05 It didn’t take me long to be right. Just as he’s about to drop the lighter on the petrol lake he poured all over the floor, Mia starts singing a child’s song under the chains over the trapdoor that are keeping her locked in the basement. David, because he’s too stupid to know never to trust a zombie, should die for his ignorance: Unnatural Selection.
1:04:02 While we wonder what’s become of John Librariannon who he left to bleed out in the motorcar, David assembles saws and syringes and digs a hole and takes the only torch that doesn’t work well into the cellar.
1:06:04 Apparently his strategy was contingent upon her surrendering the instant she saw him because she took him by surprise and is now beating the shite out of him, though is nice enough not to steal his soul for reasons unknown, as we were led to believe soul taking was the whole purpose of the demon’s return.
1:07:13 John Librariannon came back from wherever he’d been waiting to save David at the last possible moment. What are friends for?
1:07:55 John Librariannon dies, and because Brian is zombie ignorant, he doesn’t cut of his friend’s head. Do not side with David in the Zombie Apocalypse.
1:09:14 David is burying his sister in the front garden.
1:09:50 Now the zombie is taunting him for abandoning the family and we can hear a male demon voice beneath Mia’s. Still, David is falling for the trick. He whines,
Stop it, I’m begging you.
which is not a good strategy to adopt when debating with a hellion; especially when all he has to do is to dump some dirt on her face to shut her up.
1:11:06 He finishes burying her and throws himself on top of the dirt mound to apologize. A fire in a tree goes out so he’s decided she’s done. Tree fires are nature’s timers, you know.
1:11:43 Now he’s dug her back up to resuscitate her with a generator and jumper cables.
1:12:12 He keeps jump starting her heart but doesn’t take the plastic bag off her head? WTF!?
1:13:52 Just when we were no longer supposed to expect it, she comes back to life.
1:14:41 He goes in to get the car keys but then decides to linger in front of a cork-board and reminisce over the photos while John Librariannon–who’s head he did not cut off–sticks wire cutters in his neck.
1:15:08 David is too polite to call out for help.
1:16:26 David shoots the petrol container, the house explodes in flames, Mia backs sufficiently far away to enjoy the spectacle of a body on fire running out of the conflagration.
1:17:21 But first it needs to rain blood.
1:17:29 Now we get the zombie hand from the dirt. Who’s it it? Maybe the first dead girl from the intro scene.
1:18:38 Mia drops the car keys and crawls into a hole, scampers up into the tool shed and decides to sit there and wait for the spawn of Satan to find her there.
1:19:20 WTF!? She sees a machete, but instead reaches for a chainsaw that won’t start, which she refuses to forgo for the machete which doesn’t need to be started. Then, while still not reaching for the machete which is in perfect working order, she sees the chainsaw is out of petrol so she looks on the shelves for petrol, finds some, and begins to fill the chainsaw, the whole time expecting the evil one to come through the door at any moment. WTF!? again.
1:19:37 Then she drops the cap to the tank and the demon comes through the floor yet she continues to eschew the blade.
1:20:07 LOL, apparently the demon doesn’t consider itself too good for a simple machete.
1:21:21 Lying under the car, Mia finally gets the chainsaw running and uses it to saw through scrawny demon’s legs at the ankle.
1:21:41 Scrawny demon uses her demon strength to flip the car and pin Mia’s hand.
1:22:21 Apparently Mia has some demon strength as well because she was able to her arm hard enough to tear off her own hand trapped beneath the Jeep. #127horrors
1:23:06 Using what she has left of her hands, she jams the chainsaw into the demon’s head.
1:23:59 To make sure she doesn’t bleed to death from the stump where she ripped her hand off, she pinches it beneath her arm. Poor man’s tourniquet. Don’t try this at home.
1:24:14 The blood rain stops, the soft music plays to lull us into a false sense of security. If you truly believe it’s over already, don’t come crying to me during the zombie apocalypse.
1:25:11 I was right…at the very end, the book…closes…BY ITSELF!
- WTF!?’s: 16, but I went a little rough on this one.
- When to Follow: If you’re too cool for Evil Dead II, which may not have aged well, but neither have I.
- What To Feedback: Caption This!
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