I shall be examining The Host in depth, following up on its character, references and questioning its motivations so read on only if you have already seen The Host or don’t plan to.
The Earth is at peace. There is no hunger. There is no violence. The environment is healed. Honesty, courtesy and kindness are practised by all. Our world has never been more perfect.
Earth has been invaded by an alien race and now it’s paradise. Like a snow day when you haven’t done your homework, watching golf with a hangover, or Sean Connery’s mind in Justin Beiber’s body.
The alien race occupies the bodies of almost all human beings on the planet. The few humans who have survived, are on the run.
Why? Seriously, why are they on the run? Aliens come and make everyone happy and at peace…why would you run from that? We absolutely must do a poll. Am I the only one who thinks living in perfect happiness is a good thing? So what if it is because aliens have caused it. If you’re perfectly happy, you wouldn’t care who helped you, am I right? What if my parents made me happy, would that mean I have to kill them because my happiness comes from outside of me?
0:02:44 Saoirse Ronan/Melanie Stryder throws herself out a window to avoid being made happy.
0:03:18 She’s miraculously saved, and now the aliens are taking care of her because they really really want her to be happy.
0:04:50 They cut a hole in her neck and stick an alien in it. The aliens resemble furry caterpillars made of light and sperm hairs. #Sushi
You know how I know Soairse is a good actress? She can say that line without laughing.
0:07:03 Soairse/Melanie’s spirit is fighting with the alien spirit in a battle of wills over the young girl’s body (think Univeristy pub after midnight). Also, I take back what I said earlier about Soairse’s being a good actress.
0:08:02 Every film about a Utopian people always runs into the same dilemma: the perfect beings have an inherent flaw, and thus are not truly perfect. Case in point, Human Melanie is inside Alien Wanderer, and Alien Wanderer feels Melanie resisting. But when Diane Kruger (The Seeker: hunter of humans) tells Alien Wanderer that some humans resist the aliens, Alien Wanderer doesn’t say, “Yes, like Melanie is doing right now.” Which means that Alien Wanderer is keeping secrets and lieing to Diane Kruger. Deceit is a negative, un-peaceful emotion, so we cannot say the alien race is perfect if they are subject to negative emotions. In other news, I apologize for taking so long to explain such a simple WTF!?
0:10:36 Melanie is dreaming exposition. #nightmare
0:10:42 In the dream, a guy named Jared (aka Yankee Robert Pattinson, or “Yank Robert Pattinson” if you prefer, and sometimes I would) finds Melanie before she’s turned, foraging for food in a rich person’s fridge and he kisses her so strongly I thought he knew her. Now I find out he’s basically so randy he’ll kiss anything female.
I haven’t spoken to another human being in 2 years.
Yes, and now we see why.
0:11:58 The only thing worse than the atrocious inner dialogue Melanie has with her foreign body is the way Saoirse acts it.
Melanie: When you touch me, I don’t want you to stop.
Jared (Max Irons): We should sleep.
Melanie: Sleep with me.
Jared: All I’m saying is, we have time.
Melanie: You don’t know that. You don’t know if we have months, days. We could be taken at any moment. But we have this. Now.
Apparently, in the Alien Utopia, girls become boys and boys become girls.
0:13:55 I just checked the author. This film is based on a book by… Stephenie Meyer, of Twilight fame. Everything makes more sense now, even with why Soairse can no longer act: Stephenie Meyer has that affect on people. #Kristenstewart
0:21:41 Because Wanderer couldn’t resist Melanie, she’s to be inserted into a more docile body (not a euphemism) and The Seeker (Diane Kruger) will penetrate Melanie temporarily.
Please, I don’t care if I die. I can’t have her inside me.
Melanie’s internal dialogue with Wanderer
Still not a euphemism.
0:23:18 Melanie uses Wanderer’s body to escape. Ridiculous. A prime contender for WTF!? of the year.
We do not lie. We trust each other.
Wanderer to Melanie
What does Melanie have against peace and love? Did her parents used to beat her with Rasta music?
0:25:54 The sad thing is knowing this will end badly. As I’m for the Aliens and world peace, I don’t want the spoiled little brat to bring paradise crashing down for no reason other than it was introduced by aliens. The more I think about it, this film is basically far-right wing National Extremist propaganda.
I’ll take you to my healer in Fort Worse.
I swear to God she says this and not ‘Fort Worth’. Methinks Soairse has already been to Texas.
0:26:01 This may just be the first film ever edited with Pixlr.
0:29:49 Wanderer/Melanie Stryder (“Strider”…see what they did there?) has been traipsing across the desert for ‘ages’…in high heels!? “Hey, how you dune?” WTF!?
0:34:02 Uncle Jebediah (William Hurt with a chin curtain) finds her, sees she’s possessed by the aliens and despite everyone in his entourage’s wanting to kill her, he insists on bringing her back to their secret hideout in the hills. Looks like Wanderer isn’t the only one who wants to be inside Melanie.
0:36:19 Now Melanie, trapped in her own body and held captive by her ex-gang, tells Wanderer not to tell anyone she (Melanie) is inside the body. Of course she can’t, there are still 90 minutes left in this enema.
0:37:39 Jared, who was guarding her, has decided he still loves Melanie’s body so he fights for her. Apparently Wanderer grows on you, like a fungus or a rash.
0:39:55 The Seeker has a drawing of a mountain range done by Melanie/Wanderer. She finds Melanie’s/Wanderer’s car crashed in the shadow of this same mountain. But when looking for Melanie/Wanderer, she doesn’t think to look in the mountains? WTF!? This explains why she’s called The Seeker and not The Finder.
0:42:18 Now Jared is back on Team “Waste Her”, while Ian O’Shea (played by Jake Abel and one of the people who wanted to kill her) switched to Team “Don’t Waste Her”. Yet more evidence as to why we’re better off with the aliens running the show.
0:43:45 William Hurt changes Wanderer’s name to Wanda, and there was much not caring.
0:57:16 LOL! Wanda is falling in love with the handsome lad who wanted to kill then to save her (Ian). But Jared and Melanie are still in love. Is it a threesome or a foursome if the two gents copulate with the body Wanda shares with Melanie?
1:02:49 Diane Kruger picks up a pistol and accidentally shoots one of her compatriots, thus proving to the world that the aliens aren’t the pacifists they claim to be. And making a good argument for gun control. Also worth mentioning is that the man she shot is black, thus confirming my hypothesis that there is a white supremacist hidden agenda in this film.
1:04:51 Now Jared wants to kill Melanie again because his friends were killed. #manperiod
1:09:21 LOL! Jared spills his guts to Melanie inside Wanda and Melanie answers back in Wanda’s head but Wanda doesn’t pass along the massage aloud and we don’t know why. This film answers the the question, “How bad can it be?”
If I can’t kiss her, I can kiss you.
Jared kisses Wanda
LOL! He’s cheating on his girlfriend with his girlfriend’s body!
1:09:43 Wanda sure is getting into it, despite Melanie’s internal protests. Anyway, I’m sure this is a strategy on Jared’s behalf, to draw out Melanie.
1:09:50 Didn’t take long for me to be right. Melanie makes Wanda punch him and he’s as happy as a masochist at Bieber concert.
1:10:51 Melanie’s hiding in water. Seriously.
1:15:32 Worst love scene this year. I’m nowhere near qualified enough to explain how truly atrocious it is, so let me show it to you.
1:20:35 Wanda wanders into the medical tent and sees they’ve been experimenting on pulling Aliens out of people. It’s successful…if you like your aliens like your sushi: cold and dead.
1:27:22 Wanda is undressing Jared while they kiss, so basically aliens are freaky and good to go with anyone.
1:29:03 Wanda/Melanie and Jared go to an alien hospital and Wanda cuts herself to get medicine for Jamie (the little brother). A Mule Called Wanda
1:37:47 Back in the caves, Wanda tells the doctor she will teach him how to safely remove the sushi from the humans, on the condition he lets her die and doesn’t tell anyone. This may not be a problem, as I’m not convinced many people will notice.
William Hurt: So you don’t want us to kill The Seeker.
Wanda: Not Death. Exile.
William Hurt: So you want us to forgive her.
Dear William Hurt, kicking someone out of your galaxy is not the same thing as forgiving them. Please give me your address so I can send you a dictionary for your birthday. Sincerely, Saint Pauly
1:39:51 The sushi crawls out of The Seeker’s neck because Wanda is gently coaxing it with soft fingers and love.
1:48:20 Ridiculous goodbye speech after goodbye speech. They’re meant to be sad and romantic, but they’re just bloody awful. Like when Kim Jong-il died and was giving his last words, but everyone was really just thinking, “Hurry up and go, already.”
1:50:26 They didn’t squish Wanda like she’d asked, but instead dumped her inside another random girl they found somewhere. It’s like an Open House at the Massage Parlor: Happy Endings for Everyone.
1:54:10 “Months later” and the band of four is stopped while joyriding in the city late at night. The Seekers know they’re all human because their eyes don’t glow. Smarter rebels would have developed bright blue contact lenses earlier on in the invasion, as opposed to trying to fool a more highly developed species by wearing sunglasses at night.
1:5510 Turns out this Seeker switched sides and has two other groups of humans with him. Why he didn’t tell anyone this the moment he stopped our foursome is because WTF!?
1:55:26 To the strains of the formidable “Radioactive” by the Imagine Dragons, they announce the movie is based on a book by Stephenie Meyer. Interesting how they didn’t tell us this at the beginning, when we still had a chance to save ourselves.
Better than the movie:
- WTF!?’s: 16 of the worst kind
- When to Follow: When you’ve already seen all of the Twilight series and still want more. So, basically, never.
- What To Feedback: The survey at the top about alien happiness and natural sadness.