I shall be exploring every avenue of Mandy Lane, mapping out its plot and studying its signs to see if its right up your alley or just another dead end. So read on only if you’ve already seen All the Boys Love Mandy Lane or never plan to.
Should be easy enough to mock this film as it stars the worst beautiful actress I’ve ever seen: Amber Heard.
0:01:32 Judging by the way everyone watches Amber as though she were naked, it’s not just the boys who love Mandy Lane.
0:01:49 She meets her male friend (Michael Welch as Emmet), who is at least as pretty as she is.
0:02:49 This film looks like it was filmed in 1976 rather than 2006, which is actually a point in its favour.
0:03:21 WTF!? At a star athlete’s pool party, pot heads are welcomed and smoke massive joints? Meanwhile, Amber’s pretty boy-friend locks himself in the bathroom in his tighty whities before deciding to put his trousers back on. His joint wasn’t big enough, evidently.
0:03:37 Mandy’s a brave soul to stay at this party so long when she’s having such a miserable time. #masokissed
0:07:37 Emmet convinces the dumb and drunk jock to jump off of the roof and into the pool. It’s not nice to take advantage of cabbages.
0:08:09 The jock doesn’t make it and winds up bloodied and floating in the pool like a log which is also dead.
0:10:27 Fast-forward 9 months and once again, WTF!? The druggies are socializing at the track and the lead one is talking about how he’s invited virginal Mandy Lane to his ranch where athletes and addicts alike will unite in their common pursuit of Mandy’s cherry pie. Imagine the Tea Party and Taliban coming to terms over unjust desserts.
0:10:32 I’m starting to see why no one ever Amber Heard of this film.
Star Athlete Smoker (!?): I can see your nipples.
Marlin: How do you get them that hard?
Chloe: It’s a secret.
Said in such a way as to make me think we shall learn her secret.
0:12:31 We’re subjected to a gratuitous girl’s locker room scene where teens in bras talk about the party and a blonde bitch says,
You only finish Junior year once.
And some people not even that, dear.
0:14:49 Someone is spying on Amber Heard to see how she puts on a bra, and if this person is like me, they’re wondering if this is the normal way women put on a brassiere. Won’t you please help a gay man out and participate in a poll?
0:15:51 The teens drive to the ranch. I think this insipid version of ‘Sister Golden Hair’ is what’s triggering the killer.
0:19:44 James Teen (Jake as portrayed by Luke Grimes) gets a hand-job from the only brunette in a crowded car hidden only by a crinkly paper map. I’m not buying it, and I don’t mean the map.
0:21:43 The African American (Bird, played handsomely by Edwin Hodge) takes a walk with Amber and tells her all the boys want her, but he’s being honest with her because he respects her. If he really respected her, he would tell her he doesn’t respect her.
0:22:41 Ooh, plot twist. Just when Mandy is about to kiss the strapping black lad, a swarthy ranch hand pulls up in a Jeep and Amber/Mandy has an eye boner.
0:26:11 When she joins the wasted youth at the swimming hole, she remembers to undress to her brassiere and panties in slow motion.
0:27:08 After someone steals Chloe’s undies and everyone laughs it off as though it were totally unrapey, Garth comes along and, without warning, shoots the snake in the water. Not a euphemism.
0:29:11 Party in the evening and, because they’re kids in America, they’re playing one of the only two games they know and it’s not ‘Spin the Bottle’. #truthordare [UPDATE: A very generous and not at all angry reader has graciously pointed out I am being overly harsh here. The youth are playing King’s Cup, a drinking card game of which Truth or Dare is an element. Evidently, this game is the alcoholic version of Chess.]
I was getting some air and wondered if you wanted some.
Actual line from the film. If Amber let those words in her mouth, I’m beginning to understand what Johnny Depp sees in her.
0:31:17 One of the boys leans out of the front window to vomit and Mandy decides to go back to the party, effectively telling Garth, “I’d rather be with a puking adolescent than spend any more time with you.”
C’mon, Jake, I didn’t mean it [your penis] was small, just the smallest one at the table.
Drunk brunette (Melissa Price as Marlin) who still hopes to get serviced by Jake’s member only.
0:34:41 She’s making it up to him with her mouth.
0:35:03 Meanwhile, blonde cheerleader (Chloe) takes off her top and reveals she has fake breast covers with plastically hard nipples, thus uncovering the secret she brought up earlier.
[Al K Hall #nudity alert: In a tacit agreement, I notify Al K Hall of any nudity in a film and he drops a mention of these reviews on his mega-popular web site.]
0:35:22 She stands topless at the window to keep Garth a breast of the situation, but he turns a blind eye to those tidbits.
0:35:33 Jake comes to forgive Marlin. Loudly.
Marlin: Wait, you’re gonna go down on me, right?
Jake: Nuh-uh. Hey, why don’t you go get Red to do you.
A re-enactment of the source of the expression, “Ladies first”.
0:36:17 Marlin tells Jake not to leave because it’s dark in the barn and she can’t see. But she lets him leave without trying to follow him. I’m starting to feel less sorry for her being left not so high and very dry.
0:37:26 She’s knocked unconscious and comes round with a shotgun in her mouth. The mystery attacker keeps forcing the shotgun deeper into her mouth until the barrels go through the other side of her throat with the sound of raw meat hitting pavement.
0:38:15 The way blondie trims her nether hairs with giant shears, her bush must be as dense as she is.
0:38:36 Marlin is being dragged along the road and is not completely dead, which makes sense because there are no vital organs on the back of the mouth.
0:39:52 The power goes out and Bird gets to go start the generator, Jake gets to try to chat up Mandy Lane, and the stoner (Aaron Himelstein as Red) gets to help blonde Chloe. She called out and, given how thick her pubic hairs must be, it’s certainly to help with the deforestation.
0:40:34 WTF!? Bird has to traverse a cemetery to get to the generator? Is the battery that dead?
0:42:51 Jake took the fuse to give himself and Mandy some alone time, but there’s no spark.
0:45:39 Jake is drunk and runs out of the house in his underwear, with a beer, a shotgun and car keys. Even if this were not a horror film, he’d still never make it through the night.
0:48:15 Jake runs across Marlin, who waits until the killer approaches Jake to cough up blood from one of her mouth holes as a warning.
0:49:04 Jake takes a shot to the head, and not the fun head for the first time this film.
0:50:32 The killer comes out of the lake fully clothed and actually looks a lot of like I did back in high school. He finishes Marlin by swatting her with the butt of the rifle, as though he head were a golf ball and he were teed off.
0:51:45 The killer is Emmet! The spurned best friend who’s obsessively in love with Mandy Lane!
0:54:29 Impossible drinking game: Drink a shot whenever Mandy plays with Chloe’s hair. To be attempted only in close proximity to medical facilities.
0:55:21 Mandy has to take Chloe to the loo for more hair play.
0:58:55 While the survivors sit on the front porch, a person whom they think is Jake pulls up and shoots firecrackers at them from the vehicle.
0:59:55 Bird runs after the car. He must be as tired of being in this film as I am of watching it.
1:00:26 In a shocking moment of believability that is surely doomed to die of loneliness, Emmet pulls the rifle of Bird, who snatches it away and kicks Emmet’s ass.
1:01:13 Emmet knifes Bird’s eyes to blind him. No more bird’s eye view.
1:02:00 Bird was the next one to go. #DeadDuck
1:08:16 Emmet comes into the house at dawn and leaves blood stains everywhere, so Garth says everyone has to leave. Perhaps because he wants to clean. Regardless, there’s not a whole lot of everyone left, just Red and Chloe.
1:09:36 Red volunteers to get the car and then the drugged up blonde volunteers to go with him, barefoot and in her underwear. Nobody says how bad of an idea this is, leading me to believe they want her to die.
1:10:28 Chloe can’t run any further and my point has been made.
1:11:40 Red decides to start snogging the blonde in the gravel path after they find their friends dead. From the music playing, Jacob Forman (the director) thinks this is romantic.
1:11:50 Lol, Red is shot while kissing Chloe so he falls and Chloe has his blood on her mouth. Nice touch.
1:13:40 More lol, the blonde sees Emmet coming after her in a motorcar and so she decides to try to outrun him, first on an open field, then on a road. But the funniest thing is the music on the car radio.
1:16:17 Mandy sees Chloe running faster than the car so tells Chloe to come to her, and when she does, Mandy stabs her. How did I not see Mandy and Emmet are in on this together? I’m kicking myself…with my left foot so it feels like someone else is doing it.
1:17:52 Also, why has it taken me so long to realize that Amber Heard is a blonde Kristen Stewart?
1:20:05 Amber kisses with duck lips.
1:20:50 Mandy was just using Emmet to frame him for the murders and now she’s yelling at Garth to kill Emmet. He wings Emmet, who now attacks Garth. It’s like watching cripples wrestle.
1:21:36 While running away, Mandy falls into an open pit of dead cows decaying and one wonders why the hole was never filled. Or maybe it’s just you and me.
Emmet: DIE WITH ME!
Mandy: I think I’ll finish high school first.
1:23:55 Garth survived his injuries. Apparently being shot and stabbed with a machete aren’t as fatal as one might think. As they drive off into the sunset, Mandy isn’t on the road, perhaps because she attended film driving school and so doesn’t look where she’s going. In my mind, after the film ends she drives into a tree and dies but Garth doesn’t, because he’s indestructible.
- WTF!?’s: 13, More or less (more)
- When to Follow: Teenage boys too young for pornography will like this film, as it’s one long brassiere catalogue advert starring Amber Heard
- What To Feedback: My question about how women put on their bras. (See 0:14:49)
- Also I’ll give an official WTF Badge to anyone who can explain this joke in the comments: