I shall be analysing all the bloody action in Carrie, testing it cel by cel to determine if the film is A Positive or O! Negative. So read on only if you have already seen Carrie or don’t plan to.
0:01:01 Screams coming from someone locked in a closet. I didn’t know Bradley Cooper was in this film.
0:01:43 Oops, it’s not Bradley Cooper in the closet, it’s Mrs White (Julianne Moore) in her bed, unaware she’s giving birth. To be fair, these two sounds are very similar.
0:04:19 Fast forward to Chloë Grace Moretz as a teen in swimming class. She’s as sexy in that one-piece as a hand in an oven mitt.
0:05:57 It’s Judy Greer whom I liked in 13 Going On 30 and that one episode of House. She plays the girls’ PE coach, but isn’t quite man enough.
0:07:12 If Carrie is that shy about taking a shower in public, why do it? I went through my entire secondary education without once bathing in front of other students… at school. #winkwink
0:10:12 Of course it’s impossible not to compare the original shower scene to this one (like some football matches: the first period was better than the second–give that crack a minute to sink in) but the first version was so new and shocking that it was more powerful than this one.
0:11:56 Carrie explodes the water cooler when there’s mention of calling her mother. Tough day, right after the onset of her menses, her water breaks.
0:12:03 One of my problems with this film is Carrie’s hair. Why would a religious fanatic mother dye her daughter’s hair ginger? Why would anyone?
0:12:57 Horribly sadistic sharing of mobile phone videos of schoolmate’s suffering. Adolescence: never again.
0:14:48 Carrie is beginning to understand she can control things with her mind. Like most girls; except with Carrie, it’s not just boys.
0:17:43 Mrs White forces Carrie into a Harry Potter closet under the stairs for a spell.
0:19:12 There are 1 1/2 girls tormenting Carrie. The full 1 is Chris (Portia Doubleday), a brunette with hair as bad as her attitude, and the ½ is a blonde (Sue, as played by Gabriella Wilde) who quickly feels bad for Carrie. At the moment, she is having sex in a car and thinking about Carrie. But in the guilty way, not in the mental sex image library way.
0:20:40 House party with brilliant not-house music: Hanni El Khatib – Come Alive. Do yourself a favour and watch the video (or not, I already listen to it so I’m set).
0:21:43 Chris uploads to YouTube the video of Carrie panicking through menarche (oh look it up, Neanderthal) and suddenly I’m into the film like Bradley Cooper is in the closet because I want to see Chris punished.
0:22:00 Julianne Moore singing.
Are you gonna get him a boutonnière, or are you just gonna pin a bloody tampon to his lapel?
Coach to Chris discussing prom on the football pitch
0:25:45 The PE teacher suspends Chris and thus Chris is no longer going to prom. Quick, name one American film with teenagers that doesn’t mention ‘prom’.
0:26:35 Chris tries, unsuccessfully, to lead a mutiny of the bountiful.
0:27:30 Carrie goes into the Ladies’ and breaks a mirror with either her mind or her looks.
0:29:28 Carrie reads a beautiful poem badly and the teacher joins in the mocking because he’s hot for one of his students. Also known as ‘Grading on the Curves’.
This unfrequented place to find some ease, ease to the body some, none to the mind.
Times past and what once I was and what am now, O wherefore was my birth from heaven foretold.
Twice by an angel, who at last in sight of both my parents, all in flames ascended.
Excerpts from John Milton’s “Samson Agonistes (Samson the Wrestler)
0:32:10 Mrs White secretly digs sewing implements into her own leg while talking to people. Maybe she’ll be able to do her own stitches.
0:37:56 Carrie’s mother catches her in bed alone, playing with her powers. Like when you were young, beneath the covers with the underwear section of the Debenhams’ catalogue.
After what we did to her, I have to do something. I have to do something that counts.
Sue tells her boyfriend to take Carrie White to prom
Correct me if I’m wrong, but you’re asking your boyfriend to take her to prom, so technically he’s the one doing something that counts.
I see a beautiful young woman. And if you wear a little make-up…
PE teacher talking to Carrie
Funny, when I say this women are offended.
0:45:59 Sue’s boyfriend (Ansel Elgort as Tommy Ross) goes to Carrie’s house to insist on prom and mentions that the poem she read in class is about Sampson, the biblical bloke who brought down the temple when he was angry at the town, like at an Old Testament prom. This idea makes Carrie say ‘yes’.
0:49:44 Carrie and her mother get in a fight, so Carrie lifts all the furniture in the air and drops it. If things don’t work out scholastically for Carrie, she has quite a career ahead of her in furniture removal.
0:51:29 Chris and her ‘bad’ boyfriend who wouldn’t last 5 minutes in Brixton, go to collect pig’s blood for the prank. They killed the wrong pig, it should’ve been the one she was dating.
0:53:42 If you throw up in your mouth, how far can you run to spit it out? Sue can can climb down a ladder, cross a gym, run down a corridor, find the toilets and scamper into a stall. She could teach English girls a thing or two.
0:56:22 The lads do look spiffy as they shop for clothes for prom. Makes me wish I was an American girl…
I can see your dirty pillows. Everyone will.
Mrs White to Carrie when seeing her low cut dress
0:58:15 The lad comes to pick her up in a limo, and like everything else in this film, it’s a stretch.
1:02:51 Judy Greer dances like Rocky.
1:05:01 Carrie and Tommy slow dance to a nice song. The soundtrack to this film is well chosen. The very very lovely ‘Dust to Dust’ by The Civil Wars.
1:07:35 Chris sneaks in through the back door (not a Bradley Cooper joke) and climbs onto the lighting over the stage with her boyfriend. Security regulations must be pre-911.
1:09:18 The entire film ridicules Mrs White’s extremist religious beliefs, but at the prom Tommy Ross says, “To the devil with false modesty,” (a typical phrase in American high school, I’m sure) and Carrie repeats “To the devil.” Then gets a paper cut and bleeds in premonition.
YOUR GIRL LOOKS GOOD. SHE WON’T FOR LONG.
Chris sends Sue a text
WTF!? Sue gets the text out of the shower and takes the time to dry off, get dressed and run out of the house, rather than calling Tommy who is with Carrie, to tell him to watch out? It would seem English girls use their mobile phones more often than Americans.
1:10:07 The ballot box for Prom King & Queen is stuffed like a girl’s formal dress.
1:13:08 The spilling of blood. Repeatedly. And in slow motion. Not a blood bath but a blood shower. The blood bath is for later.
1:13:54 Now they show the shower room video on the big screen. Where is Mrs Desjardin now? Why doesn’t Tommy take Carrie away? What is Carrie waiting for to start the blood bath? Why is Tommy telling her to wait when she runs off the stage? He wants her to keep standing up there all covered in blood? So many questions, so little death and devastation.
1:14:33 Mrs Desjardin approaches to help Carrie but, Carrie pushes her away with her mind games, reminding me of my last relationship.
1:14:38 As Chris and her boyfriend escape, the bucket falls and hits Tommy on the head. He didn’t kick it, but he kicked the bucket.
1:15:32 Nice effect, the blood is falling up.
1:15:48 Let the destruction commence.
1:15:50 Now Sue decides it’s the ‘right time’ to use her phone, if the right time is ‘too late’.
Here’s how the people who hurt Carrie die.
1:20:41 Chris and boyfriend try to run Carrie over, but she puts a force field around herself so the car crashes. Billy dies, but Chris has injuries too minor to be called minor.
1:22:14 Chris goes through the windscreen in slow motion and her face is stuck in the glass. Not science but cinema.
1:23:27 Carrie returns home because her religious nut mother was right from the beginning. Apparently, the film agrees with Mrs White’s fanaticism more than it’s letting on. That’s the real message of the film. You should always listen to your dangerously insane and abusive elders.
1:25:43 Whenever anyone hugs you with one hand, always ask to see what’s in the other. Carrie wisdom.
1:27:19 It was a knife, BTW. Carrie found it. With her back.
1:29:03 Carrie crucifies her mother using all the sharp objects in the house. That’ll teach mum to be right all the time about everything.
1:31:43 Carrie brings the house down. Carrie doesn’t.
1:32:11 While dying, Carrie tells Sue the baby is a girl. One way to find out you’re pregnant.
1:35:37 While Sue is giving birth, Carrie’s hand comes out of Sue’s vagina. Dream sequences are for directors who sleep on the job.
1:35:57 Roll credits to Cults – I Can Hardly Make You Mine.
Bottom line: This film suffers from being a remake. There is no suspense because we already know what will happen so we just find ourselves waiting in the traffic jam of exposition for the film to get moving and take us where it’s going.
- WTF!?’s: 7 bloody times
- When to Follow: If you haven’t seen the original
[NOTE: Jordan, a loyal reader, has pointed out in the comments below that this version is far different from director Kimberly Peirce’s vision. Consequently, I have signed an on-line petition to get the Director’s Cut of Carrie released. If you’re interested in supporting this cause, you’ll find the petition here.]