I shall be exploring the landscape of Sightseers in depth, scrutinizing each of it’s passages and detailing its ins and outs to determine if it’s a monument to cinema or just another tourist trap. So read on only if you’ve already seen Sightseers, or don’t plan to.
0:03:09 Uh-oh. Seems to be one of those films that’s like The Cure: trying too hard to be indie.
0:05:43 An average Jane called Tina and her average beau called Chris go on holiday together and leave her whingeing mother behind with a plethora of dog memorabilia.
Mum: Murderer Tina: It was an accident, mum. Mum: So were you.
Then the original “Tainted Love” which takes me back to memories I’m not old enough to recall.
0:09:17 Stop 1: Crich Tramway Village (where they’re taken for a ride)
0:11:16 A brutish lout drops an ice cream wrapper on the floor of a tram and gives Chris the finger when Chris points it out. #WhiteTrash
0:13:10 Tina’s mum called and is in a state, so Tina decides to go back home. However, when backing up the caravan, Chris runs over the littering bloke. Road killed.
0:15:08 In the trauma after the ‘accident’, the couple pulls over to release some of their pent up emotions by having sex in the caravan beside the road. Like a sketch artist at a football match, they draw a crowd.
0:15:38 30 seconds later, Tina is writing a postcard to her mum, explaining that she isn’t coming home. But did in the caravan.
0:16:15 Stop 2: Blueberry Farm Campsite (grounds for prosecution)
0:18:34 Knit bra and crotchless panties! For the woman who has everything…and doesn’t know what to put it in. 0:22:33 In the middle of touring an ultra modern caravan, Tina sees a dog that sends her into a flashback of a dog she no doubt accidentally killed, thus making sense of her mother’s comment earlier about her being a murderer.
0:23:19 Didn’t take me long to be right. The dog jumped on knitting needles Tina had left poking up like kebab skewers.
0:26:13 Back in present time now, the nearby pagan drum circle empowers Chris into killing the ‘perfect’ couple of whom he’s jealous. He forgets that despite their fine caravan, they’re still caravaners.
0:28:03 Chris breaks open the other bloke’s skull the same way his wife cracks an egg. #overeasy
0:30:41 They also decide to dognap Banjo.
0:31:43 Stop 3: Blue John Cavern (it’s a hole)
0:33:33 Tina learns that Ian (the oxymoronic elite caravaner) died falling off a cliff.
0:34:35 Stop 4: Fountains Abbey (nun’s the wiser)
0:37:38 Lol, Tina’s mum fell down the stairs and is pressing a panic button that connects to Tina’s mobile. Unfortunately, she’s busy being pile driven by Chris, who’s snapping photos of the bout with the camera he nicked from Ian.
This is not my vagina!
Looking through the photos on the camera, screams Tina finds naked pictures of another woman.
0:40:45 The camera also caught pictures of Chris’s murdering Ian, so Tina is now aware of the spree.
0:43:50 Chris panics and runs away, leaving Tina in the caravan. When he comes back late that evening, Tina readily forgives him because she was afraid he’d run off for good. I find myself wondering why she just doesn’t kill him, and find myself wishing she would.
0:45:10 Stop 5: Long Meg & Her Daughters Stone Circle (a random man gets stoned)
0:47:25 The next day, while walking the dog at a poor man’s Stonehenge, Banjo leaves a package on the grass. A passer-by insists Tina pick it up and Tina refuses (“I don’t do that.”). When Chris approaches, Tina reproaches him for getting a ride home from the pub and losing the car. They resolve the dispute by Chris’s bashing the man’s head in while Tina watches.
I never thought about murdering innocent people like that before. He’s not a person, Tina. He’s a Daily Mail reader.
0:51:35 During a montage of many of the sites they see, I realize this is, in fact, very similar to God Bless America, only without the scathing social commentary and, alas, without much of the humour.
0:53:59 Stop 5: Lakeland Paradise (very camp)
Cyclist: I’m hoping that this will become a whole new way of living for economic migrants. Tina: We’re trying a whole new way of living, aren’t we, Chris? Chris (to Martin): Tina hasn’t travelled much.
Chris to a cyclist towing a small sleeper capsule that Tina describes as looking like an “alien’s coffin”
One in the pink, one in the stink! One in the pink, one in the stink!
…chant a rabid pack of drunken slags sitting at a restaurant table with a ‘Girl’s Night Out’ banner
Tina: How romantic would that be? If we just died together… Chris: I mean, going to the south is romantic. We could maybe try that first.
0:57:47 Tina, drunk, goes to the Ladies and when she comes back one of the slags is in Chris’s lap, kissing him on a dare, while the other girls film it with their mobiles. Tina is horrified and the bachelorette explains it’s just a bit of fun. Which it is, for Chris.
0:58:38 While Tina follows the bride-to-be into the parking lot, the police enter the restaurant and all of this to another nice version of ‘Season of the Witch’.
0:59:06 The policeman turns out to be a stripper. Not my type. I prefer my men more refined. If you have a thing for barrel chests, however, this chap might be right up your stave.
0:59:36 Tina kills Chailey (the bride) by pushing her off of a bridge so her head cracks open. #bashelorette
1:03:10 Stop 6: Tina goes to the Pencil Museum alone, and the only way the tour could be more brilliant would be if it existed. Oh, beautiful black baby Christ in the manger, it does! Cumberland Pencil Museum
1:09:14 Chris wakes up in the moving caravan, so he tells Tina to pull over. Which she does. Onto a jogger.
1:09:45 Chris breaks up with her and I may have been wrong about my earlier prediction. She just might kill him, and I hope she does.
The tragic death of bride to be Chailey Morris on Tuesday is now considered not to be an accident. The police have said today that they are pursuing a ginger faced man and an angry woman in connection with inquiries.
On the car radio
1:12:11 Stop 6: Honister Pass (as in ‘away’)
1:14:20 I hadn’t realized they’d gone there to wait for Martin, the cyclist, who also has Banjo.
1:15:47 Martin shows up and they drink some wine but when Chris leaves to take a wee, Tina places her hand in Martin’s lap.
Do you know what it’s like to be a woman, Martin?
1:17:23 When Chris comes back, Tina tells him Martin came onto her.
1:19:19 Tina pushes Martin’s ‘carapod’ over the cliff… with him in it. A new way of dying for economic migrants.
1:20:42 They struggle. Tina strangles Chris but it degenerates into sex.
1:20:53 Beautiful song as they burn the van. Of course it’s Frankie Goes to Hollywood, ‘Power of Love’.
1:23:48 Ribblehead Viaduct (end of the lines) Lol! They go atop the viaduct in a suicide pact, but when Chris jumps off, Tina lets go of his hand and Chris dies alone!
- WTF!?’s: I only spotted 1 of them
- When to Follow: It’s a good warm-up film, before watching a real one.