WTF: Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)

Captain America 16 (Saint Pauly WTF)

Captain America 01 poster (WTF Saint Pauly)

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be putting Captain America through its paces, ranking its status and debriefing its mission in order to determine if it’s a Major Victory or Corporal Punishment. So read on only if you’ve already seen Captain America, or don’t plan to.

Captain America 05 (Saint Pauly WTF)
Fighting a losing battle…to not look up her skirt

0:02:03 Russians find a giant ship buried in the snow and, for some reason, they let the Americans deal with it. Maybe because they know it holds Captain America and not Captain Autocrat.

0:06:03 In a flashback to Norway in 1942, Nazi Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving wearing an octopus pin) steals a white cube (the Tesseract) that originated in Odin’s treasure room. He’ll use it to play World Monopoly.

Captain America 06 (Saint Pauly WTF)
“That’s the last time I order a crystal ball on Amazon.”

0:08:44 Fantastic effects job making Rogers (Chris Evans) look scrawny for his enrolment. He looks less like Captain America and more like Private Schoolboy.

0:09:59 In an alley, while getting his arse handed to him, Rogers uses a dust bin lid for protection, like a shield. #OriginStory

Captain America 02 screenie (WTF Saint Pauly)
Getting Trashed

0:16:55 Stanley Tucci picks weakling Rogers up at a World’s Fair in New York and says he’ll try to make a man of him. I wonder if this line would work for me.

0:25:38 Lol, the head of Hydra (Hitler’s research division), is Agent Smith. Or, as he’s known in this film, Agent Schmidt. #seriously

0:26:46 Stanley admits he shot his super-man serum in Schmidt a long time ago, but it was long before he met Rogers.

0:27:07 Rogers was chosen because he’s scrawny and has respect for power. In prison, this would get him chosen ‘bottom bitch’.

Captain America 07 (Saint Pauly WTF)
“Is that guy behind me checking out my ass?”

0:33:38 Mr Stark (Dominic Cooper as Tony Stark’s father) straps Rogers to a table in a secret bunker while Dr. Erskine watches. Neither man says anything about Rogers’ lack of areola on his nipples.

0:36:37

[Screams] No, don’t [stop]! I can do this!

Rogers being injected with male serum

Reminds me of losing my virginity.

0:37:51

You look… taller.

Army wench when Rogers comes out of the machine looking fit

She didn’t care about him when he was weak, now he makes her weak. Women. Or at least a geek script writer’s opinion of women.

Captain America 08 (Saint Pauly WTF)
“What do you mean NOW I have a personality?”

0:38:14  One of the spectators was a double agent and blew up the observation room to create a distraction so he could steal the single vial of man batter they for some reason didn’t use and for another reason just let sit on the table.

0:38:34 The spy shoots Dr. Erskine, whose last words are to poke Rogers’ new muscle-boobs.

0:41:05 While the escaping agent shoots at him, Rogers picks up the door to a taxi cab with a star on it and uses it as a shield. #OriginStory part 2.

Captain America 03 screenie (WTF Saint Pauly)
“No! Don’t call me a cab, my name is Captain America!”

0:42:48 Rogers catches the double agent, and the male serum is spent on the ground. The evil spy either eats a cyanide capsule or has rabies.

0:45:22 Back in the evil lair, Agent Schmidt turns the hostile group of German observers into goo with his goo ray. This is his way of leaving the Nazi Party and starting a party of his own. Heil Hydra!

0:55:59 Rogers is going behind enemy lines with British Army wench (Hayley Atwell as Peggy Carter) and Mr Stark flying the plane. They want to rescue Rogers’ NY mate in deep Schmidt’s territory.

Captain America 09 (Saint Pauly WTF)
“Yes, if I screw this, I’ll make an Iron Man.”

1:03:00 Agent Schmidt sees Captain America defeating his henchmen so decides to blow up his entire facility; beating him to the punch faster than a uni student at a garden party.

1:05:13 OK, I call WTF!? Schmidt presses the self-destruct button so the entire Hydra complex is blown to bits, including the men. Where does Hydra get all of its manpower? They’ve separated from the Nazis! Are there really that many Nazi soldiers willing to commit treason by abandoning Hitler and joining up with Schmidt? I’m afraid I don’t buy this Schmidt.

1:06:22 Schmidt pulls off his face and reveals his real head is redder than a ginger’s pubic hair slathered with Tabasco.

Captain America 04 GIF red head (Saint Pauly WTF) text
“I’m a natural red head.”

1:08:46 Captain American disappearing into flames in a suspurious moment. [My own creation: ‘Suspurious’ is spurious suspense, when we are meant to feel nervous about the results of an event where the outcome is already known. For example, a hero is seen getting shot in a flashback yet, as it’s a flashback, we know he won’t die.]

1:14:57 The English officer lady is all tarted up and throwing herself at Captain America, hoping he’ll stake his claim in her fertile valley. This might just be a metaphor for US / UK relations.

Captain America 10 (Saint Pauly WTF)
“I’ve got something to run up your flagpole.”

1:17:08 A blonde military secretary with loose lips (probably) kiss rapes Rogers, who takes it like a boy. Of course Miss England walks in on them. Methinks he doth protest not at all.

1:19:07 Because one can never get enough of the shield origin story, Mr Stark makes a shield of the rarest metal on earth and Miss England proves it stops bullets when she fires at Rogers because she’s still upset he kissed the blonde. And she’s probably upset he had a shield.

Captain America 11 (Saint Pauly WTF)
“No that’s a toilet seat cover / sewer lid / wok / Chinaman’s hat / Madonna’s diaphragm.”

1:25:15 Captain America loses his best friend when the latter falls out of a moving train to the bottom of a canyon. Schmidt happens.

1:34:38 After a nicely choreographed fight scene, Captain America gets himself arrested by a big red steaming pile of Schmidt for absolutely no reason, as he could have entered with the other lads through the window.

1:39:36 Schmidt took off in his private bomber and Captain America hitched a ride by jumping into the landing gear after kissing his English rose. That’s all the action he’ll see, as he’s about to be thrust into a future where she’ll be 70 years older and won’t want to thrust any more.

1:40:21 Schmidt was nice enough to label his bombs with the cities he intended to target them with. He’s an anal attacker.

Captain America 12 (Saint Pauly WTF)
Flappy Bird is very addictive

1:44:19 Captain America and Red Skull fight it out in the cockpit of the plane, and in doing so they accidentally destroy the device that was harnessing the energy of the Tesseract. The cube disintegrates Schmidt and eats through the floor of the aircraft, before falling into the sea. Piece of Schmidt disappears as though he were flushed out of existence.

1:46:26 Rogers has to ditch the plane in an ice floe before it arrives at New York. He doesn’t even want English Lass to see if there are other options. This is all that happens before everyone at HQ decides not to look for him.

Captain America 13 (Saint Pauly WTF)
Malaysian Airways Flight 370

1:49:26 Mr Stark finds Odin’s Tesseract at the bottom of the ocean. Like Titanic, only less everything.

1:50:52 Captain America wakes up in present time in a room decorated like olden tymes (1940s). He literally breaks out of the illusion, and onto the New York streets of the real New York where Samuel L Jackson / Nick Fury is there to meet him. Roll credits.

2:02:54 At the end of the credits, Captain America is sparring by himself in a gym when Fury comes and says he needs the Captain’s help saving the world, so they show a preview of The Avengers.

Captain America 14 (Saint Pauly WTF)
Captain America’s best Flash impression

Tally Ho’

  • WTF!?’s: 2 Major ones
  • When to Follow: When you’re in the middle of a Marvel marathon. This one isn’t best, but it’s far better than Ironman 5 (i.e. 2 & 3 combined).

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

Captain America 15 (Saint Pauly WTF)
“Is that you, Mummy?”
Captain America 16 (Saint Pauly WTF)
“Oooh, this machine sucks.”
Captain America 17 (Saint Pauly WTF)
“My girlfriend’s boobs could use this!”
Captain America 18 (Saint Pauly WTF)
Staying in the lines is the hardest part
Captain America 20 (Saint Pauly WTF)
“Her name is Private Business, and she’s my…niece.”
Captain America 21 (Saint Pauly WTF)
Maybe facing the wrong direction
Captain America 22 (Saint Pauly WTF)
Captain America & Major Disappointment
Captain America 23 (Saint Pauly WTF)
Cherry Popping Ceremony
Captain America 25 (Saint Pauly WTF)
“And more, much more than this, I did it…. Myyyyyyyy Waaaaayyyyyyyyyy.”

Prints suitable for reposting!

Captain America 19 (Saint Pauly WTF)

 

Captain America 26 (Saint Pauly WTF)

Captain America 24 (Saint Pauly WTF)

What to Follow Up

Fernby Film's much more professional take on the film
Fernby Film’s much more professional take on the film
avengers-poster
Booze Revooze of The Avengers
Booze Revooze of Iron Man 3
Booze Revooze of Iron Man 3
Booze Revooze of Thor
Booze Revooze of Thor
WTF!? The Green Lantern
WTF!? The Green Lantern
WTF!? Push
WTF!? Push

3 thoughts on “WTF: Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)

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