I shall be putting Captain America through its paces, ranking its status and debriefing its mission in order to determine if it’s a Major Victory or Corporal Punishment. So read on only if you’ve already seen Captain America, or don’t plan to.
0:02:03 Russians find a giant ship buried in the snow and, for some reason, they let the Americans deal with it. Maybe because they know it holds Captain America and not Captain Autocrat.
0:06:03 In a flashback to Norway in 1942, Nazi Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving wearing an octopus pin) steals a white cube (the Tesseract) that originated in Odin’s treasure room. He’ll use it to play World Monopoly.
0:08:44 Fantastic effects job making Rogers (Chris Evans) look scrawny for his enrolment. He looks less like Captain America and more like Private Schoolboy.
0:09:59 In an alley, while getting his arse handed to him, Rogers uses a dust bin lid for protection, like a shield. #OriginStory
0:16:55 Stanley Tucci picks weakling Rogers up at a World’s Fair in New York and says he’ll try to make a man of him. I wonder if this line would work for me.
0:25:38 Lol, the head of Hydra (Hitler’s research division), is Agent Smith. Or, as he’s known in this film, Agent Schmidt. #seriously
0:26:46 Stanley admits he shot his super-man serum in Schmidt a long time ago, but it was long before he met Rogers.
0:27:07 Rogers was chosen because he’s scrawny and has respect for power. In prison, this would get him chosen ‘bottom bitch’.
0:33:38 Mr Stark (Dominic Cooper as Tony Stark’s father) straps Rogers to a table in a secret bunker while Dr. Erskine watches. Neither man says anything about Rogers’ lack of areola on his nipples.
[Screams] No, don’t [stop]! I can do this!
Rogers being injected with male serum
Reminds me of losing my virginity.
You look… taller.
Army wench when Rogers comes out of the machine looking fit
She didn’t care about him when he was weak, now he makes her weak. Women. Or at least a geek script writer’s opinion of women.
0:38:14 One of the spectators was a double agent and blew up the observation room to create a distraction so he could steal the single vial of man batter they for some reason didn’t use and for another reason just let sit on the table.
0:38:34 The spy shoots Dr. Erskine, whose last words are to poke Rogers’ new muscle-boobs.
0:41:05 While the escaping agent shoots at him, Rogers picks up the door to a taxi cab with a star on it and uses it as a shield. #OriginStory part 2.
0:42:48 Rogers catches the double agent, and the male serum is spent on the ground. The evil spy either eats a cyanide capsule or has rabies.
0:45:22 Back in the evil lair, Agent Schmidt turns the hostile group of German observers into goo with his goo ray. This is his way of leaving the Nazi Party and starting a party of his own. Heil Hydra!
0:55:59 Rogers is going behind enemy lines with British Army wench (Hayley Atwell as Peggy Carter) and Mr Stark flying the plane. They want to rescue Rogers’ NY mate in deep Schmidt’s territory.
1:03:00 Agent Schmidt sees Captain America defeating his henchmen so decides to blow up his entire facility; beating him to the punch faster than a uni student at a garden party.
1:05:13 OK, I call WTF!? Schmidt presses the self-destruct button so the entire Hydra complex is blown to bits, including the men. Where does Hydra get all of its manpower? They’ve separated from the Nazis! Are there really that many Nazi soldiers willing to commit treason by abandoning Hitler and joining up with Schmidt? I’m afraid I don’t buy this Schmidt.
1:06:22 Schmidt pulls off his face and reveals his real head is redder than a ginger’s pubic hair slathered with Tabasco.
1:08:46 Captain American disappearing into flames in a suspurious moment. [My own creation: ‘Suspurious’ is spurious suspense, when we are meant to feel nervous about the results of an event where the outcome is already known. For example, a hero is seen getting shot in a flashback yet, as it’s a flashback, we know he won’t die.]
1:14:57 The English officer lady is all tarted up and throwing herself at Captain America, hoping he’ll stake his claim in her fertile valley. This might just be a metaphor for US / UK relations.
1:17:08 A blonde military secretary with loose lips (probably) kiss rapes Rogers, who takes it like a boy. Of course Miss England walks in on them. Methinks he doth protest not at all.
1:19:07 Because one can never get enough of the shield origin story, Mr Stark makes a shield of the rarest metal on earth and Miss England proves it stops bullets when she fires at Rogers because she’s still upset he kissed the blonde. And she’s probably upset he had a shield.
1:25:15 Captain America loses his best friend when the latter falls out of a moving train to the bottom of a canyon. Schmidt happens.
1:34:38 After a nicely choreographed fight scene, Captain America gets himself arrested by a big red steaming pile of Schmidt for absolutely no reason, as he could have entered with the other lads through the window.
1:39:36 Schmidt took off in his private bomber and Captain America hitched a ride by jumping into the landing gear after kissing his English rose. That’s all the action he’ll see, as he’s about to be thrust into a future where she’ll be 70 years older and won’t want to thrust any more.
1:40:21 Schmidt was nice enough to label his bombs with the cities he intended to target them with. He’s an anal attacker.
1:44:19 Captain America and Red Skull fight it out in the cockpit of the plane, and in doing so they accidentally destroy the device that was harnessing the energy of the Tesseract. The cube disintegrates Schmidt and eats through the floor of the aircraft, before falling into the sea. Piece of Schmidt disappears as though he were flushed out of existence.
1:46:26 Rogers has to ditch the plane in an ice floe before it arrives at New York. He doesn’t even want English Lass to see if there are other options. This is all that happens before everyone at HQ decides not to look for him.
1:49:26 Mr Stark finds Odin’s Tesseract at the bottom of the ocean. Like Titanic, only less everything.
1:50:52 Captain America wakes up in present time in a room decorated like olden tymes (1940s). He literally breaks out of the illusion, and onto the New York streets of the real New York where Samuel L Jackson / Nick Fury is there to meet him. Roll credits.
2:02:54 At the end of the credits, Captain America is sparring by himself in a gym when Fury comes and says he needs the Captain’s help saving the world, so they show a preview of The Avengers.
- WTF!?’s: 2 Major ones
- When to Follow: When you’re in the middle of a Marvel marathon. This one isn’t best, but it’s far better than Ironman 5 (i.e. 2 & 3 combined).