I shall be sinking my teeth into Mega Piranha, chewing on every part, and devouring each bit to determine if it’s a sweet film or will leave a bad taste in your mouth. So read on only if you’ve already seen Mega Piranha, or don’t plan to.
0:00:59 A nearly naked female has to drag a man to a picnic spot next to the Amazon. In real Spanish. With subtitles. So even the rednecks can feel intellectual.
0:02:06 They are both attacked by a school of piranhas. Or is it a murder of piranhas?
0:02:25 During the opening credits, we are offered a show of florescent synapses as an explanation for the genetic mutation. Speaking of genetic mutations, 80s pop star Tiffany stars in this film.
0:03:20 Al K Hall #nudity alert: Heavy US Ambassador and Venezuelan Foreign Minister drink on a speedboat going down the Orinoco River with topless nubile natives. The origin of the expression “party politics”.
0:04:29 The attack begins with a floating alligator head and continues when bubbles attack the boat with such ferocity that the birds fly away. Piranhas eventually eat the boat and the people on it. There’s only one thing I can say about such atrocious acting and execrable effects: Encore!
0:06:14 The Secretary of State calls Special Forces agent Jason Fitch [get it? he’s investigating ‘fish’] and tasks him with getting to the bottom of the accident. And the river.
0:07:48 Tiffany plays Sarah Monroe, a genetic researcher who should research why she’s incapable of speaking with any inflection whatsoever in her voice.
We increase the local food supply by genetically redesigning certain species of fish to make them more robust. I was in charge of the Serrasalminaes, more commonly known as ‘piranha’.
Sarah [get it? ‘Serrasalminae’]
WTF!? She wants to increase the local food supply, so she genetically engineered giant piranhas to double in size every 36 hours? How are bloodthirsty attack fish part of the South American’s food supply? Unless she means South Americans are the food supply.
0:16:30 The escape montage reminds me of when I was a little boy playing on the monkey bars in the schoolyard.
0:18:51 Fitch goes diving at the crash site. By my phone clock, I’d say it’s time for a close call.
0:20:07 Lol, the lead piranha lunges at Fitch, but the fish back pedals while underwater when he sees Fitch’s knife. It’s too late, though. Fitch stabs him, and the other piranhas attack the wounded piranha, giving Fitch a chance to escape to land. A Fitch out of water.
0:20:54 Yes! A piranha jumps out of the river, flies through the air and attacks Fitch on shore, who wrestles with the fish and at the end promotes my website. WTF!?
0:21:46 This is the same shot they used for the naval base in Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. Like bad tuna, it just keeps coming back.
It’s a hermaphrodite. It breeds on its own.
Sarah dissecting the piranha Fitch caught
WTF!? The piranha can get itself pregnant! If people could do this, there wouldn’t be enough room for all the stupidity.
0:24:40 According to Sarah’s analysis of the piranha cadaver, the piranhas will be in the Mississippi River in 2 days. Meaning they swim faster than a motor car through South America, Central America and Mexico, where they turn right somehow and cross six US states. WTF!? That’s a lot of information to glean from one dead fish.
Colonel, this plan is FUBAR.
Fitch to Venezuelan Colonel attacking the piranhas with a helicopter
It’s also SNAFU, because they’re destroying the dam that block the fish. STFU! OMG!
0:31:38 The drunken Venezuelan Colonel decides to occupy the lab and detain the staff. This is the most logical scene in the film. The lab did create and release a super strain of giant, vicious piranhas, after all.
0:37:57 Colonel Venezuela is torturing the heavy set lab geek by beating him with a phone book. He’s not injured, but his hair sure is mussed. #thehorror
0:41:16 Exploding piranhas as big as cars are attacking the harbour. From the air.
0:43:19 You’ve got to see this fight scene.
0:43:48 Why you should never stand close to the water during a piranha onslaught.
At 09-50 hours [WTF!?], you send in a personal distress SOS and that ship will respond outside of official jurisdiction. Maybe that way we can avoid starting World War 3.
World War 3? With Venezuela? LOL
0:49:07 TIL Swimming piranhas make the same sound as seals. According to this film.
0:51:15 I just watched the worst chase scene in the history of cinema. If one day you find yourself inconsolably sad, this will cheer you up.
0:51:52 The colonel and his team just spent 5 minutes negotiating with an empty car. Seriously. This is why I’m not worried about World War 3 with Venezuela.
Suck on the battery. The acid in your saliva will give it 10% extra charge.
Sara helping Fitch when his phone dies while calling in the air strike
0:57:18 The air strike seems to have killed all the piranhas, but I’ve got 30 minutes left on this film that say it isn’t so.
0:59:12 The piranhas eat the battleship and its hippy captain. WTF!? The fish can live in both fresh water and salt water?
We are in an impenetrable fortress, professor, surrounded by aircraft carriers and missile cruisers.
Random man at the ISB Military Installation – Western Hemisphere
If you want something destroyed in a film, refer to it as ‘impenetrable’.
1:06:43 New plan, nuke the piranha with a 20 kilo-ton bomb. Should also kill the ocean.
1:07:11 Aboard the USS Florida, an Ohio Class submarine. ‘Florida’ or ‘Ohio’, either way, it’s a state of confusion.
1:09:44 The piranhas eat the sub. Someone must have called it ‘impenetrable’.
1:11:47 Plan C: Stab the piranhas’ eyes, so the other piranhas attack the bleeding ones. Seems Fitch-y to me.
1:14:31 Sara gives Fitch a sonar device to disturb the piranhas in case he’s in trouble. She does this in secrecy, away from the other divers who get nothing but red shirts.
We lost the feed.
Navy tech after journalist is eaten by a piranha on live TV
She was the feed.
1:19:04 Piranha eats one of the Seals as he’s jumping from the helicopter into the water.
1:21:58 WTF!? LOL! The Venezuelan army flew their helicopter all the way to Florida just to attack a US copter.
1:22:59 When you get shot in the mouth with a flare gun.
1:23:35 Giant Piranha eats helicopter with the evil Venezuelan Colonel. Like a jaw breaker with a spicy center.
1:24:51 One of the piranhas was swimming around with a bomb in its mouth, so Fitch shot it to set off the explosive and cause the fish to bleed.
1:26:25 This is the anticlimactic end to the piranha.
1:27:54 Fitch and Sarah kiss. Because he stinks worse than she, one could say he out ‘ranks’ her.
Roll credits: Tiffany sings the credit song!
- WTF!?’s: 21 ferocious ones
- When to Follow: This is a B-movie that is closer to ‘Good’ Bad than ‘Bad’ bad