I shall be launching into deep exploration of Transformers: Dark of the Moon, probing its spaces and boldly going where no reviewer has gone before to determine if the film is stellar or merely lost in space. So read on only if you’ve already seen Dark of the Moon, or don’t plan to.
0:02:36 Autobot flotsam jettisons on the moon.
0:03:30 Kennedy’s space program was all a ruse in order to put Americans on the moon to investigate the UFO that crashed there. Michael Bay (the director) mixes real footage with fake footage well. It seems I’ll have to wait a little to start hating on this film.
0:05:04 Seriously though? The historical footage of the moon landing is giving me chills…and I’m not cold.
0:09:44 Megan Fox is replaced by underwear model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (as Carly) who is a prefect metaphor for the film: Looks good on the surface and more men will get into it than thought.
Honey, tonight I’ll give you a job. Romance me with a nice dinner.
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley to Shia pet
Am I the only one who thought that was going another way?
0:11:48 Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) lives with a collection of miniature Autobots, so basically he’s a 40-year-old computer programmer still at home with his mum.
Ah shit, I seen this one. It’s the one where Spock goes nuts.
Wheelie: You know, Sam, I don’t know about moving in with this chick. What if she dumps us like the last girl?
Brains: She was mean. Didn’t like her.
Just like that, Megan is out Foxed.
I think it’s darling. It reminds me of Bumblebee – if Bumblebee were a sad piece of shit.
Sam’s mum about his used car
Wait, what? I’m sorry, when did Transformers become clever enough for sarcasm?
0:16:01 While waiting for the Decepticons to return, the Autobots travel the world to fight America’s wars. Kind of like the British Army.
0:18:21 A Decepticon snake destroys the Chernobyl plant where the Decepticons are keeping the heart of the long lost Autobot moon-ship. After dozens of American troops die, Optimus Prime eventually decides to turn his lazy assembly into an Autobot and intervene.
Lennox: What the hell was that thing?
Optimus: That is Shockwave.
I completely forgot about the horrendous names given the machines. How do these robots get their names? They don’t have mums…but they Hasbro.
0:19:52 The soldiers were able to recover an engine from a ‘long, lost Autobot ship’ that the snake wanted. You’d think this is important to the story, but it’s really not.
0:22:07 John Malkovich!? This film continues its desperate struggle to stay on my good side.
0:24:32 Witwicky assumes a position in the male office. Sorry, Sam gets a job in the post room.
0:25:35 Frances McDormand appears. At least this time some of the actors will out-act the robots.
0:26:21 In the space of a minute, there is a robot that speaks with a Scottish accent, a Spanish accent and an Australian accent. WTF!? Where did Transformers from another planet develop earth accents? And why?
0:27:06 Astronaut Buzz Aldrin comes out and explains the secret mission on the dark side of the moon. It’s clear why real-life Buzz went into space and not acting.
0:28:28 Optimus feels he now must try to bore the humans to death. He tells them of Sentinel Prime who piloted the ship that crashed on the moon and was carrying technology that would have won the war for the Autobots. I would like to know – if the technology would have won the war for the Autobots – why were they trying to send it away?
0:29:42 Ooh, it’s Patrick Dempsey as Dylan. He’s like a gay man’s Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.
0:30:01 Dylan’s enamoured with Carly, which means he’s evil. In action films, if the hero and another man are in love with the same woman, the non-hero will be exposed as Satan’s right hand. Or what Satan touches with it.
Optimus Prime: Ratchet, let’s roll.
As he runs on the moon
0:34:20 WTF!? A Decepticon with a cape? He says his name is Megatron as though that means something. He sounds like I do when I tell people it’s my birthday.
0:35:33 The dragon Decepticon is called Soundwave because it’s a stupid enough name. Also, they’ve decided their need for the human accomplices is over, so they can kill them. Personally, I don’t see what the humans were used for to begin with. Like politicians.
Somebody messed with the wrong Wang today.
Ken Jeong as Jerry Wang
This line is an argument in favour of more French films. Hell, it’s an argument in favour of more French fries.
0:50:39 Leonard Nimoy? As a robot with a beard? At least this explains the GIF I placed at 0:12:27.
0:56:33 John Turturro reprises his role as Agent Slapstick.
Bruce Brazos (John Malkovich)
WTF!? When did the good guys call Bruce and ask him to bring documents? Why is he acting so subservient, when he was a domineering boss just minutes ago. Why is he using the ‘f’ word when everything else about this film screams kid flick? When did Shockwave begin editing this film?
1:01:54 Turturro and Sam are investigating two cosmonauts who moved to the States after a scrubbed moon mission in 1972. (The mission was scrubbed, not the moon.)
It’s the Cyrillic alphabet. It’s like all the buttons you never press on a calculator.
Dutch (Alan Tudyk), on the difficulties of Russian phrase books
1:05:18 The Decepticons have giant tampon ‘pillars’ to make a space bridge, but they still need Sentinel Prime to use them. After profound literary analysis of Wheelie (see 0:12:27 above), I’m convinced that Sentinel is a double agent.
1:06:22 The Decepticons catch up with Turturro and Sam’s convoy. It’s a nice chase scene, ruined only by Shia’s acting. He’s trying – very trying.
1:09:51 Good robot fight scene, ruined only by the robot’s dialogue. The worst idea Michael Bay had for this film was to include words.
1:10:36 Didn’t take long for me to be right about Sentinel’s betraying the Autobots. He’s destroying them all, stabbing them in their rear panels.
1:16:31 A plethora of Deceptions are immigrating from beneath the moon’s surface. How did they get to the moon and why did they stop there and bury themselves once they did ? In still more WTF!?, Sentinel has time to set up and start using the pillars before the Autobots arrive, yet they are young sports cars and Sentinel is an ageing truck with the aerodynamics of Oprah Winfrey.
1:19:03 Remember what I wrote all the way back at 0:30:01? Well, Dylan just came out as a bad man, and he kidnapped Carly with his Decepticon sports car. Which is actually rather realistic, as rich men regularly snag blonde females with wealthy trappings.
1:21:30 Sam has a Decepticon watch implanted on his wrist. He has to use it to spy on Optimus Prime, or Dylan will let his sports car drive Carly crazy.
1:23:18 Oh god, the WTF!? is so bad it’s giving me cramps. Sentinel Prime says he wants to rape the earth of its natural resources, but first we must exile the robots that have been protecting us for decades. The UN agrees and passes this decree in less than 5 minutes. The UN? They can’t even take stringent measures against countries building a nuclear arsenal. #UN-decided
Remember this. You may lose your faith in us, but never in yourselves.
Optimus to Sam before getting on the rocket of exile
Sam is writhing because the Decepticon watch is hurting him. Or maybe it’s the dialogue.
1:28:05 Another goodbye speech? Now it’s with Bumblebee. Who knew robots were so senti-metal?
1:30:37 The Autobots’ space shuttle was blown to stardust by a Decepticon. #GameOfDrones
1:32:57 The Decepticons are bringing their planet (Cybertron) to earth so that they can use humans as slave labour. #Monsanto
1:34:11 Chicago is like Thai food: taken out.
1:36:07 Post apocalyptic Chicago looks like Detroit on Friday.
This will hurt. A lot.
One robot talking to another robot
1:39:54 The Autobots only pretended to leave. They were just waiting for a sufficient number of humans to be killed before they decide to help.
1:40:50 Bumblebee pilots a Decepticon attack ship. WTF!? I thought the Decepticons and Autobots were their own ships. Nobody drives Optimus Prime, do they?
1:45:09 WTF!? Sam and his team rescue the tart first, though she is of no military utility and serves only to alert the Decepticons to the Autobots’ presence. A nuclear blonde.
1:50:34 Seriously, though, the special effects are out of this world.
1:52:17 The parachute suits seem like a fun way to spend the day before your funeral.
1:56:05 After jumping out of the building and sliding down its glass façade with no way to stop, they shoot the windows they’re sliding on to fall back inside of the building. Otherwise known as: bloody original action scene.
Why do Decepticons always get the good shit?
Epps (Tyrese Gibson)
Truest line in the entire film.
2:00:40 Decepticons the world over are launching their pillars which will create a magical doorway through which Cybertron will be transferred to earth. Because good friends help you move planet.
2:07:35 The Decepticons have a brilliant ship, but Wheelie and Brains are able to sneak inside. The Decepticons get the best stuff, yet all the good guys get is annoying.
2:09:14 The Decepticons kill the dottering old Scottish robot, but this is a mercy killing. Mercy for me.
2:20:03 Carly outsmarts the Decepticon leader, which shows the intelligence level of a Decepticon is approximately that of a garbage disposal.
2:21:50 Dylan generously waits in place for Sam to hit him with a pole, and knock him into the pillar that’s creating the planet. WTF!?
2:22:39 Cybertron, the Autobot planet, is officially destroyed. There goes the neighbourhoods.
You didn’t betray me. You betrayed yourself.
Optimus beats Megatron and Sentinel Prime one-handedly. Literally.
2:23:45 The film should end here. All that remains will make you sick like an STD (Stereo Typical Denouement).
- WTF!?’s: 13 powerful ones
- When to Follow: The best of the first three, so watch it twice instead of watching the first two back to back