WTF: Need for Speed (2014)

Need for Speed 39a (WTF Saint Pauly)

Need for Speed 01 poster (WTF Saint Pauly )

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be completely overhauling Need for Speed, checking its points, and finely tuning what makes it work to see if it’s auto-erotic or an autopsy. So read on only if you’ve already seen Need for Speed, or don’t plan to.

Need for Speed 02 (WTF Saint Pauly )
“Hello, Police? I think I’m being followed.”

0:01:12 This is a film about car racing. I know as much about car tires as drivers know about satires.

0:02:47 Michael Keaton as Monarch, the sports DJ. Keaton once played Batman, and now I want to see a movie where Batman is a DJ.

Good evening, Gotham. I. Am. Batman. Spinning the hits and the knock outs until dawn, so don’t hesitate to call in if you have a request or if you see Catwoman. First up, here’s Wolfmother with ‘Joker and the Thief‘.”

0:03:25 The good news is Tobey is played by Aaron Paul from Breaking Bad. The breaking bad news is, I’m having drug flashbacks to Speed Racer instead.

Need for Speed 03 (WTF Saint Pauly )
Braking Bad

0:04:09 Swing-set at a late night drive-in that’s showing Bullitt. Those of you who are anti-Yank obviously don’t know everything about America.

0:04:38 If you’re looking for something to hate, this remake of “Fortunate Son” is a good place to start.

0:06:47 Tobey’s ex-girlfriend, Anita (Don Johnson & Melanie Griffith’s daughter Dakota Johnson), is now his arch enemy’s sex-girlfriend. When she talks to Tobey, she hides her breasts with her arms. I wonder if he speaks body language.

Need for Speed 04 (WTF Saint Pauly )
“Boobs? What boobs? The only boobs here are you and I.”

0:06:59

 Anita: Thank you for watching out for Pete.

Tobey: He’s like a little brother to me.

Looks like Pete got a red shirt for Christmas, and Christmas came early.

0:07:46

Dino has something he wants to talk to you about. After the race, though. I don’t want to distract you.

Anita to Tobey

I don’t know about you, but this kind of sentence would drive me to distraction fast.

0:11:12 WTF!? Where did these young chaps find the money necessary to put together this computerized electronics board that is connected to the car’s equipment and includes real-time video? When I was their age, I could barely afford 50p to play something like that in an arcade.

Need for Speed 05 (WTF Saint Pauly )
Watching “Car-nal Desires III: Tail Pipe”

[Click the image for the full video of the race]

0:11:21 Nice incidental music, but, like Aaron Paul, it’s in the wrong film.

0:17:22 Dino (Dominic Cooper) offers Tobey $500,000 to fix up a Ford Mustang. I’m reminded I don’t really know – or care – about cars. I am also reminded that Dino was the pet dinosaur on The Flintstones.

Need for Speed 06 (WTF Saint Pauly )

0:19:04 Tobey agrees to rebuild the car because he’s behind in the payments on the garage. If this film runs on clichés, it’ll go far.

0:21:46 Only in New York City do people have parties to watch an advert.

Need for Speed 07 (WTF Saint Pauly )
Auto-satisfaction

0:23:02 Ooh, an English slapper approaches Tobey at the party. Women love mechanics in America, maybe because of lube jobs. Who am I kidding, it’s because Aaron Paul. He can crank my shaft whenever he likes.

0:23:21

She’s not from around here, Pete. She probably has no idea who Carroll Shelby is.

She probably does have an idea of what grammar is, however. #was

0:23:37 Julia Maddon (Imogen Poots) is a blonde playing blonde and will be revealed to be a connoisseur. Thus Tobey can play petrol station attendant and fill her up.

TIL The actress’s full name is ‘Imogen Gay Poots’. I officially would like everyone to start calling me ‘Gay Poots’ from here on out.

Need for Speed 08 (WTF Saint Pauly )
Auto-eroticism

0:26:17 Can someone please explain to me in the comments how one driver can drive faster than another in a straight line? Isn’t it just a question of pushing the accelerator as far as it will go?

0:28:48 Dino agrees to race Tobey for the total price of the Mustang deal (2.7 million). I’m trying very hard to care, I assure you.

0:29:42 Pete (Harrison Gilbertson) is a young boy cuter than My Little Pony kittens (they grow them adorable in Adelaide, Australia, mate). He is also Tobey’s sidekick and Anita’s younger brother. He’s going to race one of Dino’s ultra-fast European sports cars, over Tobey’s objections. Looks like Pete will wear out the red shirt Anita and Tobey gave him at the drive-in.

0:34:03 Didn’t take me long to be right.

Need for Speed 09 GIF Pete's Crash (WTF Saint Pauly )

0:36:07 WTF!? Dino caused the accident by rear ending Pete (and wouldn’t we all like to) during the race. Yet now, at his funeral, he’s comforting Anita, Pete’s sister. Did she ask what happened to him, or did she run right out and buy a new dress for the funeral?

0:37:21 I see. Dino paid witnesses to say he was never there. This is harder to swallow than anything else Dino can dish out.

0:38:00 Fast forward 2 years, which is nice for Tobey because he just skipped over a prison montage.

Need for Speed 10 (WTF Saint Pauly )
A-door-able

0:39:32 His garage is being foreclosed upon, so he’s going to race to win the money to pay for it. Unfortunately, this isn’t telly, or he could sell meth for the cash. Breaking too Bad.

0:40:32 The English bird drops off the Mustang Tobey and his team rebuilt earlier, so that he can race it in what sounds like The Daily Own, or some such nonsense. [We will later learn the race is called the De Leone, which is still such nonsense.]

0:41:41 Julia, the potential love interest, is ‘forced’ to travel across country in the Mustang with Tobey to go to California for the race. I’m not surprised, you’re not surprised, the only one who’s bloody surprised is Tobey. Keep in mind, though, he’s as bright as a broken light bulb burst up the bum of a bulky bloke buried beneath a black hole.

Need for Speed 17 (WTF Saint Pauly)
Finally understood my ‘auto-eroticism’ joke

0:48:46 Dino now has to win the Daily Bone to get 5 million from an investor. Ooh, both leads have to win the race for love and profit!? I sure didn’t see that coming in a giant American pick-up truck loaded full of shite.

0:50:14

He just left him there, that’s what I can’t forgive.

Tobey about when Dino killed Pete

WTF!? You can forgive the murder of your closest friend but not the fact the killer didn’t hang around afterwards? Does that mean if he’d killed your friend and stayed, you’d be forgiving him like Jesus at a Roman orgy?

0:53:20 They pull up in front of an office building to lure one of the old grease monkeys (Rami Malek as Finn) away from his new, high paying executive job? WTF!?

Need for Speed 12 (WTF Saint Pauly )
Thinks ‘asphalt’ is spelt ‘ass fault’

54:16 Back In The Saddle remake to Finn stripping down to his ugly socks. #UndressCode

Need for Speed 13 (WTF Saint Pauly )
A Happy End

0:56:35 His friend had to give up his plane because of flight restrictions, which evidently permit people to fly at street level in down town Detroit in a helicopter. In other news, a baseball game is in progress and the number of supporters proves that the sport is even less popular than cheese rolling.

Need for Speed 14 GIF Baseball (WTF Saint Pauly)

0:58:39 I’ve seen better driving in an MIA video.

0:59:19

Need for Speed 15 GIF Take-off (WTF Saint Pauly)

1:00:29 WTF!? Benny steals a news helicopter, then lands the stolen helicopter immediately beside a manned police helicopter that simply flies away so Benny can then nick an ENTIRE PLANE!?

1:07:03 Dino just promised he’d give a Lamborghini to anyone who stopped Tobey from arriving at the Gay Leone. If you want to see the original Need for Speed: #GumballRally #CannonballRun #SmokeyAndTheBandit #SWAT

1:08:46 WTF!? This whole Internet radio show with Michael Keaton is just ridiculous. He apparently does the show 24 hours a day and has so few listeners that when Julie calls in he takes it immediately, not even knowing who she is.

Need for Speed 16 (WTF Saint Pauly)
I have to pee so bad my glasses are full

1:10:17 Retooled version of “All Along the Watchtower“. Meanwhile, Anita suddenly decides to doubt Dino’s story because she’s on her WTF.

1:16:32 Tobey and Julie escape the police in a petrol station by placing a chain on the axle of his patrol car. Like a sexual encounter with a Londoner, this was much less exciting than it was meant to be.

1:18:02 They’re in permanent love (unless there’s a sequel). I can tell because the music got really stupid.

Need for Speed 11 (WTF Saint Pauly )
“God’s Unicorn!”

1:21:36 Tobey asks his air support for help but is ignored until Benny arrives in a military helicopter the army let him borrow because they’re nice chaps that way. Good thing the ‘last minute’ wasn’t ‘one minute ago’.

1:23:54 The helicopter picks up the car and carries it off a cliff to the Bonneville Salt Flats. Still not as good as Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

1:25:06 The WTF!? is getting so thick I’m finding it difficult to breathe. Air Force jets come and tell Benny to return to base because he filed a false flight plan. Benny tells his team that he has to go to prison but he’ll be back.

  1. Why did the officer in the heli let him take it in the first place?
  2. How did Benny know where to fly?
  3. If he knew where to go, why didn’t he file the correct flight plan?
  4. How did he know to bring special straps to carry a motorcar?
  5. Can we call this scene The Strap On?
Need for Speed 18 (WTF Saint Pauly)
One flies, and the other’s a helicopter

1:26:42

 I’m surprised you made it.

 Dino to Tobey in San Francisco

If I were Dino, I’d also be surprised only one group tried to stop Tobey, when the reward for doing so was $3,000,000. I would also spend a lot of time with myself in the shower, because I’d be sexy.

1:28:08 The sole reason Tobey goes to the hotel is to not get into a fight with Dino. There’s a great deal of not happening going on in this film.

Need for Speed 19 (WTF Saint Pauly)
“I got the oil but they were out of lube.”

1:29:58 Just as I was telling myself, “That’s the sort of angle they use before a car wreck,” they had a car wreck. Fortunately, a lorry hit the Mustang hard enough to make it spin in the air, but not enough to hurt Julie, who was sitting on the side of the car that was demolished. In a race film, love makes you stronger than a motorcar.

Need for Speed 20 GIF Smashing (WTF Saint Pauly)
Smashing!

1:36:32 After leaving Dino, Anita gives Tobey the car Dino was driving when he killed Pete. I’d have thought a car that hadn’t been driven or even started in 2 years would need some work to get it going again but no, one just turns the key and the engine is better than ever. Motorcar engines are like wine and cheese, they get better with age.

1:39:34 Tobey and Julia share their first kiss with her in the hospital: A romantic, memorable film kiss… would’ve been nice instead of this tepid white bread soggy squishing of lips. Lol, the kiss is so boring Julia falls asleep, and that’s not even a joke.

Need for Speed 21 (WTF Saint Pauly)
Carrying her over the threshold…of pain

1:42:47 WTF!? At the De Leone, Tobey tells Dino he’s going to give the incriminating sports car to the cops, but first he’s going to race it. I’m not sure that’s the best way to handle the trail of evidence. Source: I watch a lot of CSI.

1:43:52 America’s streets might not be paved in gold, but they give you laptops in hospital to watch races. It’s all a part of National Health Car.

1:45:01 Laptops in hospital make more sense when you realize prisoners can watch iPads. They have female prison guards in male jails and all Benny has to do is smile at her and ask her to bring an iPad and she does. How does that even work? Does she notify her supervisor she’s going to be a hard-wood telly stand, or does she risk her career by smuggling it in?

Need for Speed 22 (WTF Saint Pauly)
Television stand

1:45:08

Ladies and gentlemen, [Tobey] Marshall’s balls have just been located, and they are very, very large.

Monarch (Michael Keaton)

WTF does this even mean? They’re so large we have to look for them in order to locate them?

1:48:41 The police are taking out the racers one at a time by crashing into them. Is this what Columbo would do?

Need for Speed 23 (WTF Saint Pauly)
Fired up

1:52:16 Dino just hit the third remaining driver and sent his car into a series of flips. He’s rather good at that. One could even say he kills at that.

1:53:16 If Tobey didn’t have the ‘this film is about me’ advantage, he probably wouldn’t have won the race.

1:54:58 Tobey pulls up next to Dino, then brakes just as Dino veers to run him off the road, so Dino himself flips out and falls victim to his own trap. Karma is a driving force and she just went round the bend. #KarmaGhia

Need for Speed 24 (WTF Saint Pauly)
A turn for the worse

1:55:40 Lol, just when everyone thinks Tobey is going to win, he turns back to rescue Dino. Because Tobey could overlook the ‘dead friend’ flap, but hated that no one went back to watch Pete go up in flames.

1:57:08 Tobey goes back and saves Dino, then drives to victory with the police close behind. BTW, how did the drivers know which roads to take to get to the finish line? Or where they just meant to drive around until the last car crashed?

1:58:21 He wins and surrenders to Linkin Park singing “Roads Untravelled”.

Need for Speed 24 (WTF Saint Pauly)
Jail Bird Practice

1:59:31 WTF!? The police scan radio announces the car that Tobey is driving is the one that killed Pete 2 years ago, so Monarch the DJ declares Dino is going away for a long time. I’ve heard of smart phones, but a radio smart enough to process tainted evidence and convict a man for manslaughter…?

2:00:48 Continuing his stint as legal disc jockey, Monarch states Tobey will spend only a few months in jail to prove his innocence. Of course, he just might lose some of that innocence in jail as well.

Need for Speed 26 (WTF Saint Pauly)
Just saw his parents bumping bellies

2:01:14 178 days later

Julia picks Tobey up from prison and they drive off into the sunset. Literally.

2:02:48 This was based on a video game series? I much prefer Resident Evil in that vein.

2:03:02 During the credits, we see Benny in a Utah prison teaching inmates how to dance.

Need for Speed 27 (WTF Saint Pauly)
Auto-mates

Roll credits

Tally Ho’

  • WTF!?’s: 11 winners
  • When to Follow: When you want to see a remake of Fast and Furious with Aaron Paul Walker

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

Need for Speed 28 Flying Mustang GIF (WTF Saint Pauly)

Need for Speed 29 Flip Him He's Done GIF (WTF Saint Pauly)
Flip Him, He’s Cooked

Need for Speed 29 Rearview mirror GIF (WTF Saint Pauly)

Need for Speed 31 (WTF Saint Pauly)
Having a friend for BBQ
Need for Speed 32 (WTF Saint Pauly)
New Kids on the Engine Block
Need for Speed 33 (WTF Saint Pauly)
Champagne Antifreeze
Need for Speed 34 (WTF Saint Pauly)
“Sorry, she’s got her hand full right now.”
Need for Speed 35 (WTF Saint Pauly)
Human fly catcher
Need for Speed 36 (WTF Saint Pauly)
Getting pumped up
Need for Speed 37 (WTF Saint Pauly)
Pulling a fast one
Need for Speed 38 (WTF Saint Pauly)
Riding Shotgun
Need for Speed 39 (WTF Saint Pauly)
A new kind of Parallel Parking
Need for Speed 39a (WTF Saint Pauly)
Perpindicular parking
Need for Speed 40 (WTF Saint Pauly)
When ‘a quickie’ doesn’t mean a car

Need for Speed 41 (WTF Saint Pauly)

Prints suitable for reposting!

Need for Speed 42 meme (WTF Saint Pauly)

Need for Speed 43 meme (WTF Saint Pauly)

What to Follow Up

WTF!? of an even worse film
green-room-01-poster-wtf-watch-the-film-saint-pauly
WTF review of another film with Imogen Poots
Fernby Film reviews all of the Fasts and Furiouses
Al K Hall’s WTF!? review of a film that has some racing somewhere, I think

12 thoughts on “WTF: Need for Speed (2014)

  1. Dude, that opening Batman/WOlfmother gag was stretched waaay to far…. LOL!!!

    Otherwise, a top rip of a horrible film. My own review of it is up in a few weeks. Thanks for linking again!

    Like

    1. Rodney!

      I didn’t mean to Mr Freeze you out! Why my Batman routine didn’t grow on you like Poison Ivy is a Riddler to me. Maybe I should start Robin my bits from other sites?

      I’ll be looking forward to reading your thoughts on this one!

      WTF Rodney,

      Saint Pauley

      Like

  2. Anybody else completely confused as to why the end of the big race was just some dead end at a lighthouse. Didn’t they think the cops be chasing them so they’d need a get away plan or at least have the finish line not be a deadend. The storyline was shit but the car and race scenes made up for it a little.

    Like

    1. Dear Rick,

      How well we understand each other! I posed the question myself in the review? How did they know where to drive and where to end? Was it a bloody scavenger hunt or a car race? I totally agree with you as well about the film overall. The car scenes were well made but there was too much bad story telling and not enough good writing.

      Thank you for the visit and the comment, good sir!

      WTF Rick (Watch The Film),

      Saint Pauly

      Like

  3. One thing though (more than one but never mind that), the big prize of the race is all the other drivers’ cars, right? This is how Tobey covinced the Mustang owner to land him the car. Is it me or that the Mustang owner made a BAD deal? Even the Mustang was wracked on the process…
    This film is soooooo bad it deserve to be a cult.

    Like

    1. Dear Anony!

      When I read your comment, I couldn’t believe the premise of the race was that the winner won all the cars. How could I not remember that? So, I went back and verified. You were exactly right! Tobey convinces the Mustang owner to let him race by saying he’ll give the owner half of all the cars he wins (and quotes a price of 4 million dollars).

      Then, in the disastrous race, all the cars are destroyed! I can’t stop laughing.

      This film is soooooo bad it deserve to be a cult.

      I have the impression it’s getting worse and worse! Thanks so much for the trenchant and perceptive comment, my friend.

      WTF Anony (Watch The Film),

      Saint Pauly

      Like

  4. For the racing in a straight line part, it depends on gear changes and which gear suits the conditions to make the car go faster

    Like

    1. Thank you for the comment! I was afraid no one realized my question was an earnest one. The answer you’ve provided makes a great deal of sense even to an amateur such as I, and I’m grateful for your input.

      WTF!? (Watch The Film),

      Saint Pauly

      Like

  5. Your review was pretty much the biggest load of shite I’ve ever seen. Don’t even know or care about cars… Then why watch the film you moron? Did you say, “Oh it’s a car movie, vroom vroom, mommy take me to see the car movie pweeezzze​” I hope you don’t get paid to write this garbage, cause you deserve to burn in hell.

    Like

    1. Hallo Sunny (no doubt named after your disposition!),

      Thank God you left this comment! So many readers have been flattering me lately I was afraid 13-year-old trolls had stopped visiting!

      While I appreciated your comment, I must confess I was thrown by the dialogue you attribute to me. Need for Speed was made exclusively for those who speak like that, for people who want only to be distracted by shiny cars for 90 minutes. “The script is ridiculous? Who cares, there’s a shiny car! The acting is sub par? So what, there’s another vroom vroom! The story is totally devoid of originality and interest? Ooh, another shiny car!”

      So why did I watch the film, indeed? I don’t care about the American South during the Civil War, yet I watched Gone With The Wind. I don’t like dead bodies and still I saw Swiss Army Man. I’m not a fan of cannibalism, yet I paid to see Raw. In other words, you simpleton, I watch films because I like watching films, and because a good film transcends any genre. Need for Speed, however, was not a good film.

      What else is fun is that I DO get paid to write these reviews and — here’s the best part — when you comment, I get paid more! Google analytics recognises your comment as reader involvement (they don’t read the actual comment, of course) and, as such, their algorithm ranks my site higher, which means more people visit which means more money for me! Ka-ching! Thank you for the raise, mate!

      Finally, you’re absolutely right: I do deserve to burn in hell, but that’s because I’m having a blast living my life!

      WTF Sunny!? (Watch The Film),

      Saint Pauly

      Like

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