I shall be attacking Sharknado 2: The Second One, exploring its guts and dissecting its heart to see if it was worth reviving or better off dead. So read on only if you’ve already seen Sharknado 2, or don’t plan to.
0:00:33 A flight attendant with purple hair (Kelly Osbourne) serves C*** Light [I reserve the right not to place products]. For the moment, it looks more like Mars Attacks than Shark Attacks.
0:00:49 Tara Reid and Ian Ziering travel in economy and can’t even afford a light beer. If they’re not 1st class, they may be No Class.
0:01:32 A WTFunami!
- The flight attendant asks Fin Shepard (Ian Ziering) to sign her book, but the author is listed as April Wexler (Tara Reid)
- We’re expected to believe Tara Reid knows how to write
- Especially after seeing her signature
- Apparently the best way to survive a Sharknado is to use a Galaxy Tab. [Read the text closely!]
0:02:47 Fin looks out the window and sees this in the lightning:
In keeping with the WTF!?, Fin and April are flying from Los Angeles to New York…so exactly what ocean are they flying over?
0:03:42 WTF!? A woman sniffs when entering the aeroplane toilet after Fin? Smells fishy to me.
0:05:32 No one believes Fin when he sees sharks becoming stuck on the wing. He’s not the only thing that’s hard to believe…
0:07:28 Sharks hit the cockpit windscreen like giant fish insects.
0:07:44 Oh no! A shark rips out part of the fuselage and passengers get sucked out of the plane.
0:08:04 Kelly Osbourne has her head taken off by an unruly passenger…shark flying down the centre aisle.
0:08:37 A shark wedged in the windscreen attacks the copilot. When Robert Hays tries to pull her to safety, both of them are pulled from the cockpit and into the clouds. This will be their last fling.
0:09:47 Fin fights his way to the cockpit while sundry passengers are attacked by ichth-ijackers. When he finally reaches the pilot’s seat, he remembers he doesn’t know how to fly a plane.
0:11:08 Amazing! The federal air marshal slides his gun to April, who is flapping out of the door holding onto a safety belt, yet the wind suction that has her flapping about is not strong enough to budge the gun. April picks up the pistol and shoots the shark that the Marshal sees coming from miles away (he must be a seer), but not before the shark bites off the hand holding the gun. The shark had a hand in this.
0:12:18 Fin lands the plane and the passengers applaud. This is a new experience for Ian Ziering.
0:14:09 Fin’s family are waiting for him in New York and consist of his sister (original MTV vee-jay Kari Wuhrer as Ellen Brody), brother-in-law (Mark McGrath as Martin Brody), niece (Courtney Baxter as Mora) and nephew (Dante Palminteri as Vaughn). The brother-in-law and Fin were close until the friend bedded Fin’s sister. Bros before bros-in-law.
0:15:02 American ‘journalist’ Matt Lauer plays himself, i.e. a man pretending to be a journalist.
0:15:42 Andy Dick (as a cop) lives up to his name.
0:16:17 Original MTV vee-jay Downtown Julie Brown as a dis-orderly in the hospital April is taken to.
0:17:05 Cameo by American chat show journalist Kelly Ripa.
0:17:17 SharknadoBook.com: I just hope this book is different from the excerpt the showed at the beginning of the film. Will April sign my e-copy?
0:17:28 Billy Ray Cyrus as the doctor. The bad news is, he’s a better singer than actor. Yes, really.
I know this may sound mad, but I just had the feeling Fin would be able to get April’s hand back, like he did when rescuing Nova in Sharknado 1.
The shark kept chasing me. And it had this huge scar across its face. And I shot him in the eye. But it took my hand. It’s like he knew who I was.
April in hospital
Look how close she gets to complex sentences! Good for you, Tara!
April: Why did you marry me?
Fin: Because I wasn’t perfect and you didn’t care.
This is actually a decent line. WTF!? is it doing in this film?
0:20:12 The weather forecasts 12 inches…of shark. I only wish I was kidding, because then I could take credit for it.
0:30:12 Skye (Vivica A. Fox) meets Fin at the baseball stadium where he goes to rescue his brother in law and nephew.
I forgot to give you something the last time I saw you.
Spoiler: It’s her tongue.
To Fin’s credit, he tells Skye he and April are trying to work through their issues. On the other hand, Skye has another hand.
0:31:52 The Sharknado hits the baseball stadium. For Skye, Fin, Martin, Vaughn and Bryan (Judah Friedlander – a strange bloke who has no reason to be in the film (*cough* red shirt *cough cough*) – the sport of baseball just became only slightly less boring.
There are more of them. They’re closer. We need to move the boat faster!
Ellen Brody on the ferry back from Ellis Island
Yes, please move the boat faster.
She wasn’t wrong, however. A shark ate her friend’s (Tiffany Shepis as Chrissie) face off. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said of actress Kari Wuhrer’s face, whose plastic surgery was done on the Planet of the Apes.
Underground transit worker #1: I can’t believe I forgot my gloves again.
Underground transit worker #2: What are you, afraid of the dark?
0:37:21 In a nice twist, there’s a giant alligator living in the tunnels under New York, and it falls victim to a shark. I like it when films blend reality and fiction.
0:38:40 Cameo by Perez Hilton as a knob waiting for a subway. Basically he plays himself, only waiting for a subway.
0:38:46 No sooner do I say that, than they have an advert for Subway fast-food sandwiches inside the film. Now I’m sick to my stomach.
0:39:35 Perez Hilton is eaten, Subway advert crew is eaten, and we learn that Fin’s strategy to surviving a Sharknado is to outrun everyone else.
0:39:46 Meanwhile, Bryan gets eaten saving a police officer’s life. That was déjà vu before it happened.
0:40:22 They spent no expense when making this film.
0:44:16 A stockbroker helping Ellen, Mora and Polly (Sandra ‘Pepa’ Denton) goes back for his briefcase and is crushed by the Statue of Liberty’s head. This is how to get a head in business.
0:44:45 The most bizarre and serial WTF in this whole film is how no one knows there are sharks falling from the sky and swimming in the tunnels except for people who know Fin. A cute sharkosis.
Al Roker: A sharknado is a lot more dangerous and a lot more deadly.
Is it more bad than your grammar? #deadlier
0:50:42 Vaughn finds “Napalm” brand lighter fluid.
0:53:48 April escapes from the hospital single-handedly (see what I did there?).
0:57:24 Ben the cabbie (Judd Hirsch) dies swinging from a rope from the bonnet of his cab to the safety of another car, taking the rope with him. Fin gets across by running atop the backs of the sharks, shouting “Frogger” before he goes.
Martin: You know what you just did, don’t you?
Fin: Don’t say it.
Martin: Jumped the shark.
#Credit where its due.
1:00:01 In an interesting exchange while taking the elevator to the top of the Bales hotel to throw bombs into the Sharknadoes, Skye reminisces in support of interracial marriage…only 30 years late. If you want to impress me, Skye, be a man.
1:00:18 Lol. Elle, Mora and Polly pedal the Citi Bikes in a frenzied panic while passers-by stroll casually around them.
1:00:32 Polly is flattened by a whale shark. Her days were numbered the moment she was introduced in the middle of the film with no back-story.
1:05:29 The plan of launching propane canisters taped to flares into the heart of the tornado using a slingshot isn’t working. This plan didn’t even look good on paper.
We work good together.
Skye to Fin
Not on your English grammar, you don’t. #well
1:07:01 In the extreme calm of their slow, ambling walk, New Yorkers are crushed by flaming sharks.
1:07:51 WTF!? How can a high-rise hotel flood from the ground up? Does no one know how to open front doors?
1:10:58 Tara Reid hooks up with fire fighters and then picks up her husband so they can all do it together. And by ‘it’, I mean make a really bad film.
1:11:31 The mayor rudely interrupts April’s drama to beg Fin for help.
1:12:47 Fin’s plan is to use the lightning rod of the Empire State Building to blow up freon tanks in the tornadoes in order to freeze the storms to death. What (else) could go wrong?
We’re talking about shark falling rates of 2 inches an hour. So, those sharks are really going to pile up.
Stephanie Abrams (weather bird)
WTF!? Wouldn’t one single fallen shark be more than 2 inches? Sharks may be cold blooded, but they’re not snow.
1:14:28 The mayor gives Fin a giant chainsaw for the Giant Chainsaw Massasharks. [Yes, I said it, and I’ll do it again if given the chance.]
1:15:28 Fin makes a speech. #DependenceDay
1:16:24 WTF!? Some terrorist organization left a table full of bomb supplies on the pavement for April to find and get an idea. #Taliblonde #Djihadn’t
1:17:10 Yes! That’s what this film was missing! April used all the hardware supplies to make a saw hand. Good for sharks, bad for other jobs, unless one wants to take a short cut to becoming a woman. (Though, still not as good as Rose McGowan’s machine gun peg-leg in Planet Terror.)
1:20:07 In a perfect WTF storm, both Skye and Fin are thrown from the top of the skyscraper, unharmed by the explosion of three massive freon tanks. Skye is then bisected by a shark, and I suspect Fin wanted her dead from the beginning.
1:20:46 Sharks are falling from the perfectly clear sky and New Yorkers demonstrate the advantages of gun permits by attacking the sharks with a wide variety of weaponry that would be illegal in a civilised country.
1:22:56 Fin grabs a magically floating chainsaw, lassos a shark, and rides atop it until it becomes skewered on the lightning rod of the Empire State Building.
1:23:54 Fin pulls April’s arm out of the shark (as predicted way back at 0:17:28) with the gun still in the dead hand and shoots the sharks that are falling at him horizontally.
1:24:18 He discards the arm but takes the diamond ring from it, and asks April to marry him again. She agrees and a fireworks truck explodes for the grand FIN-ale.
- WTF!?’s: 19 aggressive ones
- When to Follow: A decent sequel to Sharknado, though not nearly bad enough, or often enough.