I shall be digging into Avalanche Sharks, freezing each frame and analysing the flurry of action to snow if the film is cool or merely leaves us cold. So read on only if you’ve already seen Avalanche Sharks, or don’t plan to.
0:01:58 Two snow boarding ‘dudes’ hear an avalanche canon and look downhill to see the avalanche coming at them – I call WTF!? Then, the snow turns blue and a CGI snow shark eats one of the lads in ‘cold’ blood.
0:02:15 The surviving dude is impaled by a tree branch in one of the absolute worst special education effects I have ever seen. It’s a bad sign, indeed, when the director cares less about the film than the viewer.
0:05:36 A slapper prepares for the ride up to the ski slope by putting on a bikini – and it’s not even a water ski slope.
0:09:21 The dork driver’s boring story of how alien sharks found themselves preying on snowboarders and skiers is mercifully cut short. Unfortunately, it’s by a snow sport montage.
Half a century ago, I would have given them ‘what for’.
Pervy bloke behind a tree to his husky when a teen in a bikini walks by
Girl in a bikini lost on a snow covered mountain? He’s the luckiest pervert in creation.
0:12:52 WTF!? An ‘end of day’ montage? The film is only an hour and a quarter long. Montages are the dinner rolls at the all-you-can-eat buffet of cinema.
0:15:32 One of the ex-generation is worried because his brother isn’t at the bonfire. He doesn’t yet realise just how long lost his brother is.
You are the sexiest marine biologist I know.
Ski resort cop to his girlfriend
They live on a mountain in Canada so, you do the maths.
Duffy, how many times do I have to tell you to stop sneaking up on people. You’re an old man who looks crazy.
Ski patrol chap to mountain man
The ‘looking crazy’ part might just be his dyeing his beard blue to look older.
0:20:46 This late night shark attack leaves me cold.
Don’t worry your sweet little body about it.
Ski resort owner to guest worried about her missing cousin
0:27:21 WTF!? A young man named Randy is in a hot tub with three women in bikinis who are also randy, yet he leaves to help a fully clothed worried woman on the off chance she “will be down for a little ‘boarding'” , which is not even a real euphemism. #nailedit
0:32:28 Bloke watches his girlfriend get attacked by a snow shark and has the common courtesy not to say a word when he turns tail and runs away.
She was mauled to death. I mean, there wasn’t enough left to make a Sloppy Joe.
Hiker taking about his ex girlfriend
0:39:46 That you might see how truly horrific the CGI effects are.
Global warming is shrinking the ski season every year.
In case you required more proof as to the validity of global warming.
0:46:34 The three bikini lasses have spent the entire day alone with each other in the hot tub. Either they’re gay, or this film is unrealistic.
0:49:33 Snow plowed
Serves him right for choosing that specific place to do some blow.
0:57:22 The basic film-making of this movie is so bad it’s distracting and takes away from the fun.
0:59:35 Sharks in the hot tub
1:02:07 WTF!? The young man levels his girlfriend with an elbow to the nose and everyone is OK with that?
1:03:07 A giant avalanche rolls down the mountain because this film just has to be longer than one hour.
1:03:52 The cop is eaten by a shark and, like my collection of bellybutton lint, it’s nowhere near interesting enough to show.
1:06:51 LOL! The orange structure sitting on top of the snow is meant to be the roof of the police station. The rest of the building is supposedly buried by the avalanche. Hard to catch this with all the sunlight coming in the windows beneath the snow.
1:07:15 Duffy’s death scene is worth a laugh.
1:11:03 Asian woman in the mountain is fixing the shrine the Native American shaman erected after the previous snow shark attack that happened way back when…in 1988. WTF!?
I’m goin’ somewhere warm. Forget the snow. Florida or something like – no, not Florida. Not the ocean, either. I hear they have sand sharks.
Dale, the Ski Patrol captain
1:16:14 After the worst ending possible, one of the totems slips and an avalanche shark returns. I’ve seen better climaxes alone in the shower.
- WTF!?’s: 15 that really bite
- When to Follow: At the bottom of your ‘mockbuster’ pile. Avalanche Sharks is a bad ‘bad’ film, not a good ‘bad’ film.