I shall be analysing each act of Behaving Badly, questioning its origins and deciphering its motivations to determine if it’s balanced or it has developmental issues. So read on only if you’ve already seen Behaving Badly, or don’t plan to.
0:01:14 What do you do when the beginning of your film is extremely boring? Cheat and start with the ending.
0:01:44 His alcoholic mother (Mary-Louise Parker) tries to kill herself and writes a suicide note to the dog. No doubt the first of many dogs in and around this film.
0:02:22 This film is clearly the most recent remake of American X Pie Hangover Project (which all had their origins in Animal House, if you must know), yet I was pleasantly surprised to find this line.
We better hurry, in case she’s an organ donor.
Young EMT to the kid (Nat Wolff as Rick Stevens) while wheeling his mother away
0:03:34 Selena Gomez’s first appearance goes something like this:
0:04:12 The boring beginning they skipped earlier may now commence in earnest.
0:07:17 Al K Hall nudity alert: Rick goes to the strip club where his sister (Ashley Rickards as Kristen Stevens) works, because he does odd jobs there. The bewbs in this scene are fake and round and look more like protective headgear for construction workers than female anatomy.
0:08:04 Al K Hall nudity alert: One of the jobs that’s not so odd is Rick has to go to a stripper’s house to tell her to go to work. She offers him a blow job if he tells Jimmy she had her stomach pumped. The director decides to replay the scene where she takes off her top in a loop. This fairly well eliminates any demographic except for 18 and 19-year-old American boys who like their comedy like their boobs: bogus and ridiculous.
0:08:41 WTF!? Elisabeth Shue as Pamela Bender, his best friend’s mum? When did B-list celebrities forget how to read things like scripts?
0:09:49 Rick walks in on his friend (Lachlan Buchanan as Billy Bender) threading the snake.
0:12:37 Pamela is coming onto Rick, her son’s best friend. Elisabeth Shue has lost plausible deniability. #NoExcuse
0:14:27 Rick’s fantasy of Selena Gomez finding out he slept with the neighbour lady.
0:15:32 WTF!? Kid bets $1000 he can bed the orthodox Christian Nina (Selena Gomez) because for no reason. I bet $1000 I won’t let this slide.
0:16:12 A plug for my site when Saint Lola (a hallucination of his mother as a guardian whore who will help him win his bet of bedding a virgin he doesn’t respect as much as he claims). I could forgive all of this — and more — if it were only a little bit funny.
Kevin Carpenter – the biggest fucking asshole in the world.
Rick speaking about Nina’s boyfriend
What, did Kevin bet he could pick an innocent girl’s cherry?
0:22:38 No! Jason Lee as a priest!? This film isn’t a comedy, it’s a mystery. It’s a mystery how they got good actors to do it.
0:24:58 In order to receive backstage passes for a Josh Groban concert from Jimmy the strip club manager, Rick has to buy some ecstasy from a dealer who’s having a buy-20-get-5-free sale. The non-jokes are funnier than the official jokes.
0:26:07 Pamilf tells the high schooler he can borrow her car but he has to give her cunnilingus first. I hope this was funnier at one point during the writing.
Look at Ricardo, the vomiting cobra.
After delivering the drugs, Jimmy now wants the boy to look at his penis in order to receive the backstage passes. It’s got to be easier than looking at this film.
0:31:36 WTF!? The boys happen to find their fathers both involved in a 3-way together and take pictures to blackmail them. Then the boys forget to run away. Like the actors in this movie.
0:34:26 Nina, the girl who wants to be a priest, says she had fun seeing the fathers’ 3-way instead of seeing her idol, as promised. Like a gigantic anal toy, I can’t take all of this in one sitting.
Arriving at rehab sober is like showing up at a tennis lesson without a racket.
And you complain about my jokes…
0:41:18 The school headmaster leaves the Billy and Rick alone in his office so he can have sex with his secretary. WTF!? While he’s away, Rick finds an envelope of photographs of the girls’ locker room because nothing is funnier than an adult in authority taking pictures of under age girls. Oh, the comedy!
0:41:34 WTF!? The headmaster returns in less than 30 seconds. It’s impossible to be that premature.
Billy: At least you got that smoking hot picture of Nina. [Rick kept the head master’s locker room photos.] I haven’t even seen it yet and I’ve already popped a chub.
Kid: I’m gonna burn it when I get home.
Friend: Burn it? Why?
Kid: It doesn’t feel right being able to see her when she doesn’t even know.
But it feels right wagering on her chastity? WTF!?
Kristen: Get a hard on, break your dick in half, and fuck yourself.
Best insult I’ve heard in a long while. #CreditIsDue
0:46:21 The garage gives Rick an Aston Martin, because why would this film start making sense now? How to add an ‘s’ to ‘Aston’.
0:47:51 Oh sweet baby Jesus, it’s Gary Busey. Maybe casting was able to get Selena Gomez, Mary Louise Parker, Jason Lee, Elisabeth Shue and Dylan McDermott by telling them Gary was attached to this project. With chains.
Gary plays a police chief who’s arrested Rick for driving the Aston Martin which had the body of a Mafia informant in the boot. The rest of the cast is jealous of that actor because he found a way out of the film.
0:48:52 Heather Graham as Annette Stratton-Osborne, a defence attorney for the kid!? She must’ve heard Gary Busey was in this, too.
0:50:51 Attorney (Heather Graham) gets Rick off. From his charges.
0:51:35 Annette takes one of the ecstasy pills and grabs her milk sacks and says, “I love it.” WTF!? There are two of them.
0:52:18 Annette hits on Rick and asks him in, but he refuses to be unfaithful to Nina. WTF!? This didn’t stop him from sexing with Elizabeth Shue.
0:55:38 Oh my god what I put myself through for you. In a Risky Business remake, Rick decides to open a strip club in his house because his sister the stripper is socializing with her stripper friends in the living room, and they’re in their work clothes. Of course, Billy invites his mother (WTF!?), who takes two ecstasy pills and chases Rick around the house to rape him. No one but me watches this.
0:56:42 Now Mrs Bender is coming on to her own son by licking his face. The film has simply given up.
0:57:38 Al K Hall nudity alert: Topless stripper on a pole that magically appeared in the middle of the living room. Judging from the strippers, I’d say it’s the only pole that will be erected in the room. Then there’s the sight of a young man’s bare and hairy ass after he loses a hand of strip poker. No aces in that hole.
For anyone interested, the song is “Werk Me” by Hyper Crush.
Come again, just not on the furniture.
1:01:48 Nina the Virgin who wants to become a priest thinks the stripper party is ‘kind of fun’. WTF!? Then she and Rick have a heart to heart where he gives her a meteor fragment and says it’s like her own personal star that she can wish on whenever she likes and she talks about her dead sister. That they have this exchange makes it OK that he bet a thousand dollars on her cherry.
1:03:28 Mrs Bender barges in on Rick and Nina just add they’re about to kiss, soon to be followed by the Mafia kingpin. I suppose it’s meant to be kooky, but it’s all fun and games until someone appears in this film.
1:06:01 Nina learns of Rick’s bet to ‘plough’ her, but when she moves to strike him with her handbag, she accidentally connects with a police officer, who arrests her. Rick’s massive party and impromptu strip club, on the other hand, pose no problem to anyone. Well, not to the police, anyway. I, on however, am having a great deal of difficulty ingesting all of the WTF!?
1:07:56 In another, totally random moment, the school headmaster (Patrick Warburton as Principal Basil Poole) is in the local jail over the cameras in the girls’ locker room. Rick’s principal, boss, sister, enemy, girlfriend, sex buddy and best friend were all arrested at the party, but not Rick? WTF!?
Come on, Peewee.
Guard to Justin Bieber’s cameo
Rick: Have you gotten in touch with your parents yet?
Nina: They’re in Dallas for the pro-life gun expo.
Rick :What am I supposed to do? How can I set things right?
Saint Lola (his guardian angel): Stop thinking with your little head. You were given two.
She gives him crab medicine and this sentence to put his life back on track. He should have it tattooed on his penis so he never forgets it; he seems like the type that would look there often.
1:16:04 Father Krumin (Jason Lee) was also having sex with Pamela Bender, so he wants Rick excommunicated for giving him crabs. If only clichés were funny, this film would be a comedy classic.
1:18:18 Rick breaks up with Mrs Pamela Bender and I can’t stop looking at how much time is still left in this bastard.
1:19:52 In the hospital room, a Jamaican nurse tells Rick his mother is dead and in the furnace (WTF!?), yet we know as soon as he sits down that behind the curtain is another bed where his mother lies listening to his love speech. We also wonder why the nurse didn’t first ascertain whose son he was or why his mother waited until now to say something. Then, we wonder why we’re still watching this film.
1:22:54 The Mafioso’s son, after winning the bet, decides not to maim Rick because “anyone who can make my old man sweat is all right by me.” I could. I can make almost anyone sweat.
Rick: At least I still have my pinkies.
Annette: Pinkies are overrated. Unless they’re in the stink.
1:25:52 WTF!? Rick has a letter proving Father Krumins is the head of the Lithuanian Mafia…and I didn’t even know we were looking for one. Then, when he simply hands it over to Annette without asking for anything in return, we wonder why this scene exists. Like the rest of this film.
1:26:12 Rick gets his sister accepted into Princeton because the overage stripper had already been accepted but her arrest threw a spanner in the works. Rick convinced his new boss, Annette, to do it out of the generosity of her big, legal heart.
1:27:19 He solves all of the cast’s problems in a minute and three seconds. The only remaining problem is: all of this movie.
You’re a complete idiot, but I like you.
Nina to Rick
A girl loves nothing more than a man who wagers on stealing her virginity. Wait, who’s the idiot?
1:31:02 Oh god, make it end! Billy becomes a stripper because he wants to display all the WTF. His mother is in the club, so he gets an erection and vacates the stage. In the dressing room, his personal Saint appears and…it’s his mother.
1:32:28 The blooper reel begins. ‘Blooper reel’ here means Gary Busey not being able to pronounce ‘Bartuska’. That’s it. One scene. Maybe they kept the first take of every other scene. That would explain a lot.
- WTF!?’s: 25 naughty ones
- When to Follow: If you insist on watching films with the sound on, never ever watch this one. It’s not about behaving badly, it’s about acting badly.
- Where’s This Found: Out of a possible 10, I have 2 F’s to give