I shall be analysing Into the Storm by degrees, taking its temperature and forecasting what precipitates to see if it’s sizzling hot or will leave you cold. So read on only if you’ve already seen Into the Storm, or don’t plan to.
0:02:02 A car full of obnoxious teens is killed by a sympathetic tornado. The tornado is not only propitious, it’s also well designed – the teens aren’t the only ones swept away. I just hope the film doesn’t rain on my parade later.
0:02:09 Aerial shot of the countryside. Two minutes into the film and they’ve already abandoned the concept of a found footage film.
0:04:18 We meet a team of 4 documentary making storm chasers. I know Allison from somewhere. The wife in The Walking Dead, maybe? [Yes, Sarah Wayne Callies is Lori Grimes on The Walking Dead and began as Dr. Sara Tancredi in Prison Break]. The boss (Matt Walsh as Pete) is unhappy they haven’t filmed a tornado in a year, but the employees don’t insist about being paid, so he’s in a low pressure zone.
0:04:25 Max Deacon is Donnie — supposedly 16 but looks old enough for me to legally get behind — making a time capsule video for his future self. If he doesn’t commit suicide before he watches it in the future, he will when he watches it in the future.
0:06:48 His father, Gary (Richard Armitage), is the vice principal at the local high school. Sadly, he’s more principle than vice.
302 YouTube hits
Here’s the video. Let’s see if we can get over 302 hits.
0:17:18 Donnie’s crush Kaitlyn (Alycia Debnam Carey) tells him that she wants to make a video about an abandoned factory. Donnie offers to film it for her, because he wants to make a video about a young girl with huge bosoms.
0:23:02 A small taste of a storm. Hail, yes.
0:24:04 WTF!? Teenagers at the graduation ceremony are filming their head master’s speech on their mobile phones!? The difference between them and me is purely academic.
0:29:44 The storm chasers tried to park in the path of the tornado, but it turned at the last moment to avoid them. It must’ve spotted a mobile home.
0:31:32 Good suspense and the storm hitting the school is well filmed. The movie needs more of this and less of everything else.
0:33:34 The roof comes off the abandoned factory, but Donnie and Kaitlyn fall into a magic hole for protection. Bloody American PG-13. Rather, NOT bloody American PG-13.
0:43:47 Donnie bandages Kaitlyn’s hurt leg.
Kaitlyn: How’d you learn that? Donnie: My mum was a nurse, so when we were kids, instead of story time, we had, like, CPR lessons.
Lucas (Arlen ‘Token’ Escarpeta): It’s a freak occurrence. Two different storm fronts taking the same path. Allison: It’s not a freak anymore. Not after Katrina.
Well, at least this film has the science to back it up.
Multiple vortices touching down…
Their scientific jargon cannot disguise the fact that 5 tornadoes surrounding them at the same moment is closer to Airplane vs Volcano than reality.
0:50:14 What’s more stupid? This guy or the scene?
0:51:12 Rear-ended by the tornado. When a storm chases the storm chasers.
0:52:38 The next best thing to a Sharknado? A Firenado.
0:52:48 WTF!? Jacob (Jeremy Sumpter), the young chap who only moments ago wanted to leave the team, is now disobeying orders and filming the Firenado up close? Please let him die. If not for the story, then at least for some action.
0:53:21 That’ll teach him to listen to his friends and ignore his instincts.
Kaitlyn: My phone’s not working.
Says the girl standing in water up to her overly highlighted bosom.
Must be an iPhone.
Also, where are they that a broken pipe can fill the space and create a drowning risk? They’re in a factory basement, not a well.
0:57:34 In a moment of comic relief, Kaitlyn and Donnie film goodbye messages to their parents because the water in the tiny, watertight room they’re in is filling up faster than a red solo cup at a barbecue.
1:10:22 LOL, for the sake of suspense, an entire school bus of people must go down the manhole one at a time. Oh, but wait, it won’t be suspenseful because we know no one dies in this movie. The safest alternative for everyone in this film would be to simply stay away from the storm chasers and Donnie’s family, as the storm seems to be following them personally.
1:11:28 This is the best bit. Watch this and you won’t need to watch the film.
1:17:08 While he’s in the eye of the tornado (WTF!?), I’m going to predict Pete will die because 1) he’s always wanted to see the inside of a tornado, so his bucket list is empty, 2) throughout the film he’s put the storm before everyone’s safety, so he needs to be punished and 3) his last act is the selfless deed of parking the Titus van beside the sewer grate to protect the others, so he can die a hero. His death is also a lesson that altruism will get you killed, and it’s safer to be a money grabbing adrenaline junkie than a caregiver.
1:19:40 Didn’t take me long to be right.
1:21:54 Back to the time capsule recordings and people who were arses before the tornado are now intellectual philosophers. Oh goodie, a woman makes references to how this movie is supposed to be all found footage. It is, however, a “Found Film”, in the sense I found it silly.
1:22:38 The jack asses are in a tree and still stupid. Like this ending. Roll credits
1:28:26 OST WTF!? Did they really play all these songs?
[Note: the playlist is missing The CO – This Time Is Yours and C. Todd Nielsen & Jonathan Mead – Stay Young]
- WTF!?’s: 12 violent ones.
- When to Follow: Good for a Saturday afternoon after lunch if it’s raining.
- Where’s This Found: No matter how bad this storm was meant to be, only 2 people died, so it wasn’t all that. This eliminates all of the suspense and there’s not enough action or special effects to compensate. Bottom line: This film doesn’t spend enough time doing what it does best and wastes our time doing what it does worst. Out of a possible 10, I have 4 F’s to give