I shall be peering into the soul of Left Behind, examining its motivations, then weighing the good and the bad aspects to determine if it deserves to be saved or is god damned. So read on only if you’ve already seen Left Behind, or don’t plan to.
0:02:14 Family photo. I’d love to say I tweaked it to make it look this silly but, no, I’m not that funny and this is the way it actually appeared in the film. Interesting that even not-so-bad actors like Lea Thompson automatically lose a little talent when filming religious propaganda. Imagine Shakespeare writing church newsletters… Heaven help us!
0:02:46 WTF!? Less than 3 minutes into the film and they’re already quoting the Bible. #Over-zealous film making
0:04:16 Lol, Nicolas Cage is Rayford ‘Ray’ Steele, a pilot, who takes off his wedding ring before getting on board his flight attendant. Full disclosure here: I’m a believer. Like I believe Nicolas Cage in a religious film is one of the harbingers of the apocalypse.
0:06:28 Chloe Steele (Cassi Thomson) talks to a GI Joe action figure (Chad Michael Murray as Cameron ‘Buck’ Williams, renowned international journalist and underwear model). She sins so bad she uses the name ‘Gosh’ in vain while talking about a chance meeting with her father and his mistress in the airport.
I flew home to surprise him for his birthday, but something came up.
Well, it may not have come up yet, but he is definitely surprised to see you.
You’re Cameron Williams. Holy cow!
Ooh, Cage’s language is as bad as his acting.
I just feel like she’s always trying to shove it down my throat.
Chloe about her mum
Dear Lord! I hope she’s talking about religion.
0:15:02 We learn that the flight attendant Hattie Durham (Nicky Whelan) doesn’t know Ray Steele yet – bliblically. After all, this film expects the pious to get behind Captain Steele. #NotBiblically
0:15:51 WTF!? Ray’s colleague gives Chloe two tickets for her father? Was this Ray’s plan?
Ray: OK Jim, get two tickets to U2 in London. On the day before the concert, randomly bump into my daughter who is flying down to surprise me so I don’t even know she’s going to be at the airport and give her the tickets. We’ll hope she’s just befriended a bloke who happens to be flying to London on my flight, and he’ll be late in boarding because he’s chatting her up and she can then give them to this complete stranger to give to me in my cockpit. (Not a euphemism).
Jim: Great plan.
It’s a birthday miracle!
0:16:44 All Buck has to do is knock on the cockpit door and stroll inside? WTF!? Is it a flight cabin or a public toilet?
0:17:57 There are so many children in economy class that it looks like Mormon daycare. Rapture for everyone.
0:19:38 No rapture, however, for the Muslim lecher. Interesting that he’s the only one ogling a mysterious blonde who embarks on the aircraft. Interesting and #racist.
[Seat belt tone before take-off]
Elderly woman: Listen, George, we’re home!
Elderly man (looking out the window first – WTF!?): Home? We’re not home.
Elderly woman (to Cameron): Sometimes he gets a bit confused.
Elderly couple with Alzheimers? They’ll be raptured for sure.
0:19:57 No rapture for the business man who refuses to turn off his phone before take-off, though he’s asked twice. God’s got his number.
0:26:58 Well-behaved minority child in business class? One-way ticket to Heaven.
0:27:24 Dwarf on the plane (#Grumpy) is a betting man. No rapture for him, I’d wager.
0:32:58 The rapture hits and, like a creep with a bag of candy in a white van, takes all the children. A few adult passengers make it as well, like the Air Marshal, but he had to leave his gun behind. Heaven has more gun control than the U.S. apparently.
0:33:44 Lol, the co-pilot was raptured as well. God is my co-pilot, or close enough. Good thing for the other passengers that Ray Steele sinned religiously.
0:34:58 Funny that God took people but left their clothes behind. He wants us to bare more than just our souls.
0:45:09 – 0:45:16 The British slapper’s milk sacks come out when she suspects she’s experiencing an overdose. Seems like this flight isn’t the only bad trip.
0:46:14 The Muslim man is praying, but no one will answer. Heaven forbid!
0:51:54 An aeroplane with no pilots heads straight at Ray Steel’s plane and he waits until the last moment to take evasive action. The bad news is the planes do collide. The good news is, his plane only gets a scratch. WTF!?
0:56:58 There are a lot of hospital staff remaining. Apparently there are far fewer saintly medical practitioners than air traffic controllers. Do air traffic controllers know about Heaven through their jobs? This could explain why the skies are friendly.
1:01:51 WTF!? This is the second old woman left behind with her elderly husband who has moved on. What is the writer trying to tell us? Nana is a hellion? #GrandfatherClause
1:03:06 For those keeping score, elderly women don’t get into heaven and neither do loyal pets.
1:06:28 Mrs Steele was taken from her shower, with her jewellery left behind on the shower floor. Turns out you really can’t take it with you.
1:07:46 The co-pilot’s watch has ‘John 3:16’ inscribed on it.
1:08:24 Ray Steele’s phone pocket dialled his wife just before the mid-air collision and magically rang off immediately afterwards, so now Chloe believes her father to be dead. On the day of the rapture, God isn’t too busy to play a few practical jokes. #Comediety
1:09:44 Ray Steele understands that it’s the apocalypse. You know the world is in trouble when Nicolas Cage is the smartest man sitting.
1:10:47 WTF!? The angry white dwarf sits beside the handgun left behind by the raptured marshal and doesn’t even think about taking it, but the black woman steals it and points it at the Asian, accusing him off kidnapping her daughter. TIL God is extremely racist.
1:14:02 WTF!? Chloe goes to church to worship all the WTF and finds her pastor there (Lance E. Nichols as Pastor Bruce Barnes). This certainly looks worse for him than for her. You better believe it!
1:14:32 Back on the aeroplane, the junkie is the first one in first class to figure out the cause of the mass exodus.
Venice Baxter: It’s in the Bible. My parents sent me to camp one summer and everyone was talking about this. They said that one day, millions of people were going to just… just disappear.
At least now we understand why she became a junkie.
[FYI, ‘Venice Baxter’ is played by Georgina Rawlings, née Armstrong, daughter to Vic Armstrong, the director of this apocalypse.]
Shasta Carvell: Do you have children, Mr Williams?
Buck: No, I don’t. But I did have a mom.
1:23:32 WTF!? The Texan businessman knew the English junkie when she was a preacher’s toddler? How does geography work again? The Lord isn’t the only one who moves in mysterious ways.
1:28:27 Just as Chloe is about to jump off of bridge, Buck calls her. She won’t commit suicide now because she got the calling.
1:35:32 Communication is tricky after the apocalypse. When Ray is over the ocean he can have a conversation with the tower in New York, but the closer he gets, he can no longer reach them. Also, Buck can’t call Chloe but she can call him after she crosses the State in a run to clear an abandoned road with a pick-up truck and create a fireball so that her father has a landing strip. #Science-faction
1:42:55 Lol, Ray Steele safely lands the plane but his daughter runs directly to Buck for some love. #God-com
- WTF!?’s: Eleven hella WTFs
- When to Follow: Maybe back-to-back with the Kirk Cameron version from 2000, to watch them try to out-bad each other. #CockFight
- Where’s This Found: The film that answers the question, “How bad can it be?” Out of a possible 10, I have 1 F to give
- What To Feedback: