WTF: Left Behind (2014)

Left Behind 03 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Left Behind 01 poster (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be peering into the soul of Left Behind, examining its motivations, then weighing the good and the bad aspects to determine if it deserves to be saved or is god damned. So read on only if you’ve already seen Left Behind, or don’t plan to.

Watch LEFT BEHIND here

Left Behind 03 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
More ‘spitting’ than ‘image’

0:02:14 Family photo. I’d love to say I tweaked it to make it look this silly but, no, I’m not that funny and this is the way it actually appeared in the film. Interesting that even not-so-bad actors like Lea Thompson automatically lose a little talent when filming religious propaganda. Imagine Shakespeare writing church newsletters… Heaven help us!

0:02:46 WTF!? Less than 3 minutes into the film and they’re already quoting the Bible. #Over-zealous film making

0:04:16 Lol, Nicolas Cage is Rayford ‘Ray’ Steele, a pilot, who takes off his wedding ring before getting on board his flight attendant. Full disclosure here: I’m a believer. Like I believe Nicolas Cage in a religious film is one of the harbingers of the apocalypse.

0:06:28 Chloe Steele (Cassi Thomson) talks to a GI Joe action figure (Chad Michael Murray as Cameron ‘Buck’ Williams, renowned international journalist and underwear model). She sins so bad she uses the name ‘Gosh’ in vain while talking about a chance meeting with her father and his mistress in the airport.

I flew home to surprise him for his birthday, but something came up.

Well, it may not have come up yet, but he is definitely surprised to see you.

Left Behind 04 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
The blind kissing the blind

0:07:08

You’re Cameron Williams. Holy cow!

Ooh, Cage’s language is as bad as his acting.

0:09:02

I just feel like she’s always trying to shove it down my throat.

Chloe about her mum

Dear Lord! I hope she’s talking about religion.

Left Behind 05 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
Mrs Steele is so religious, she uses hand condoms for hugs

0:15:02 We learn that the flight attendant Hattie Durham (Nicky Whelan) doesn’t know Ray Steele yet – bliblically. After all, this film expects the pious to get behind Captain Steele. #NotBiblically

0:15:51 WTF!? Ray’s colleague gives Chloe two tickets for her father? Was this Ray’s plan?

Ray: OK Jim, get two tickets to U2 in London. On the day before the concert,  randomly bump into my daughter who is flying down to surprise me so I don’t even know she’s going to be at the airport and give her the tickets. We’ll hope she’s just befriended a bloke who happens to be flying to London on my flight, and he’ll be late in boarding because he’s chatting her up and she can then give them to this complete stranger to give to me in my cockpit. (Not a euphemism).

Jim: Great plan.

It’s a birthday miracle!

Left Behind 06 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
“‘I’m all ears’ is an expression, Doofus.”

0:16:44 All Buck has to do is knock on the cockpit door and stroll inside? WTF!? Is it a flight cabin or a public toilet?

0:17:57 There are so many children in economy class that it looks like Mormon daycare. Rapture for everyone.

Left Behind 07 GIF Oprah (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

0:19:38 No rapture, however, for the Muslim lecher. Interesting that he’s the only one ogling a mysterious blonde who embarks on the aircraft. Interesting and #racist.

Left Behind 08 cap (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
“Let’s take it to the next plane.”

0:19:16

[Seat belt tone before take-off]

Elderly woman: Listen, George, we’re home!

Elderly man (looking out the window first – WTF!?): Home? We’re not home.

Elderly woman (to Cameron): Sometimes he gets a bit confused.

Elderly couple with Alzheimers? They’ll be raptured for sure.

0:19:57 No rapture for the business man who refuses to turn off his phone before take-off, though he’s asked twice. God’s got his number.

0:26:58 Well-behaved minority child in business class? One-way ticket to Heaven.

0:27:24 Dwarf on the plane (#Grumpy) is a betting man. No rapture for him, I’d wager.

Left Behind 09 cap (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
Short temper

0:32:58 The rapture hits and, like a creep with a bag of candy in a white van, takes all the children. A few adult passengers make it as well, like the Air Marshal, but he had to leave his gun behind. Heaven has more gun control than the U.S. apparently.

0:33:44 Lol, the co-pilot was raptured as well. God is my co-pilot, or close enough. Good thing for the other passengers that Ray Steele sinned religiously.

0:34:25 Al K Hall nudity alert: This down-blouse is why Vic Armstrong (the film’s director) won’t make it into heaven. #GratuitousSects

Left Behind 10 GIF Valley of the Shadow of Breasts (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
Valley of the Shadow of Breasts

0:34:58 Funny that God took people but left their clothes behind. He wants us to bare more than just our souls.

0:41:24

Left Behind 11 GIF Sickening (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
MRW I have to act with Nicolas Cage

0:45:09 – 0:45:16 The British slapper’s milk sacks come out when she suspects she’s experiencing an overdose. Seems like this flight isn’t the only bad trip.

Left Behind 12 cap (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
Talent or bust

0:46:14 The Muslim man is praying, but no one will answer. Heaven forbid!

0:51:54 An aeroplane with no pilots heads straight at Ray Steel’s plane and he waits until the last moment to take evasive action. The bad news is the planes do collide. The good news is, his plane only gets a scratch. WTF!?

0:56:58 There are a lot of hospital staff remaining. Apparently there are far fewer saintly medical practitioners than air traffic controllers. Do air traffic controllers know about Heaven through their jobs? This could explain why the skies are friendly.

Left Behind 13 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
“If God is merciful, how could he let this film happen to good people?”

1:01:51 WTF!? This is the second old woman left behind with her elderly husband who has moved on. What is the writer trying to tell us? Nana is a hellion? #GrandfatherClause

1:03:06 For those keeping score, elderly women don’t get into heaven and neither do loyal pets.

Left Behind 14 cap (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
Eternal damnation is for the dogs

1:06:28 Mrs Steele was taken from her shower, with her jewellery left behind on the shower floor. Turns out you really can’t take it with you.

1:07:46 The co-pilot’s watch has ‘John 3:16’ inscribed on it.

Left Behind 15 meme 3-16 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

1:08:24 Ray Steele’s phone pocket dialled his wife just before the mid-air collision and magically rang off immediately afterwards, so now Chloe believes her father to be dead. On the day of the rapture, God isn’t too busy to play a few practical jokes. #Comediety

1:09:44 Ray Steele understands that it’s the apocalypse. You know the world is in trouble when Nicolas Cage is the smartest man sitting.

Left Behind 17 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
“Well, I’ll be damned – literally.”

1:10:47 WTF!? The angry white dwarf sits beside the handgun left behind by the raptured marshal and doesn’t even think about taking it, but the black woman steals it and points it at the Asian, accusing him off kidnapping her daughter. TIL God is extremely racist.

1:14:02 WTF!? Chloe goes to church to worship all the WTF and finds her pastor there (Lance E. Nichols as Pastor Bruce Barnes). This certainly looks worse for him than for her. You better believe it!

Left Behind 26 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
Altar Ego

1:14:32 Back on the aeroplane, the junkie is the first one in first class to figure out the cause of the mass exodus.

Venice Baxter: It’s in the Bible. My parents sent me to camp one summer and everyone was talking about this. They said that one day, millions of people were going to just… just disappear.

At least now we understand why she became a junkie.

[FYI, ‘Venice Baxter’ is played by Georgina Rawlings, née Armstrong, daughter to Vic Armstrong, the director of this apocalypse.]

1:15:47

Shasta Carvell: Do you have children, Mr Williams?

Buck: No, I don’t. But I did have a mom.

WTF!?

1:23:32 WTF!? The Texan businessman knew the English junkie when she was a preacher’s toddler? How does geography work again? The Lord isn’t the only one who moves in mysterious ways.

1:28:27 Just as Chloe is about to jump off of bridge, Buck calls her. She won’t commit suicide now because she got the calling.

1:35:32 Communication is tricky after the apocalypse. When Ray is over the ocean he can have a conversation with the tower in New York, but the closer he gets, he can no longer reach them. Also, Buck can’t call Chloe but she can call him after she crosses the State in a run to clear an abandoned road with a pick-up truck and create a fireball so that her father has a landing strip. #Science-faction

Left Behind 18 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
Holy Shit! Jesus is really coming!

1:42:55 Lol, Ray Steele safely lands the plane but his daughter runs directly to Buck for some love. #God-com

Tally Ho’

  • WTF!?’s: Eleven hella WTFs
  • When to Follow: Maybe back-to-back with the Kirk Cameron version from 2000, to watch them try to out-bad each other. #CockFight
  • Where’s This Found: The film that answers the question, “How bad can it be?” Out of a possible 10, I have 1 F to give

1 F 139pt

  • What To Feedback:

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

Left Behind 19 poster (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Left Behind 02 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
And his career *still* won’t take off
Left Behind 21 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
Chins Up, Nicolas Cage!
Left Behind 22 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
Armageddon tired of Saint Pauly’s jokes
Left Behind 23 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
“The bra is meant to go inside your blouse.”
Left Behind 24 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
Nic Cage forgot to flush again
Left Behind 25 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
Lea Thompson is in pane

Prints suitable for reposting!

WTF!? did they say?

Left Behind 30 WTF say children mom (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Left Behind 27 meme damned (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Left Behind 28 meme Jesus coming (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Left Behind 29 meme virginity (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

What to Follow Up

WTF!? review of another god damned film
WTF!? review of another Nicolas Cage wreck
Fernby Films review of The Sorcerer’s Apprentice
Oh, Al! Booze Revooze of Lea Thompson in J Edgar

2 thoughts on “WTF: Left Behind (2014)

    1. Degsy!

      Sounds like the film was like Halloween for you: you loved the eye candy but it was so sweet it made you sick!

      Thanks for the visit and the comment, dear friend! Thousands of apologies for the lateness of me reply.

      WTF Degsy!? (Watch the Film),

      Saint Pauly

      Like

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