WTF: John Wick (2014)

John Wick 03 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

John Wick 01 Poster (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be lighting a fire under John Wick, examining it in a new light and waxing on about its darkness to see if it glows or is just a smokescreen. So read on only if you’ve already seen John Wick, or don’t plan to.

Watch John Wick here

John Wick 02 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
Can’t even act naturally

0:01:21 OMFG, in the tradition of Behaving Badly and other films with a boring starting point, John Wick begins with a flash forward. The good news is, it seems John Wick (Keanu Reeves) is dying. Would it kill anyone — other than John — if this was the actual beginning of the film and not just a cheap short-cut to inject a modicum of action?

0:01:51 On his death bed pavement, he watches a selfie video he made of himself kissing his own girlfriend. WTF!?

0:02:17 The opening that was too boring to open with now begins in earnest and, they were right, it is boring.

0:03:16 His Significant Other (Bridget Moynahan as Helen) collapses for no reason. Maybe she’s allergic to wooden things. Like Keanu’s acting.

0:03:22 In the hospital, the doctor unplugs Helen’s life support, making of her a truly ex-wife. That said, she’s not the only one who’s turned off.

0:07:34 WTF!? Helen sends him a puppy from beyond the grave? He should name it ‘Jesus’.

John Wick 03 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
Keanu about to demonstrate ‘Dog eat dog’ world

0:11:16 Russians at a petrol station insult him in Russian, but he speaks Russian so he gets the last смеяться.

0:13:28 He drives a motorcar I’m meant to be impressed with on an airport runway. This film though, like his car, refuses to take off.

0:14:42 The Russians show up at his house in the middle of the night and beat him and his dog up. WTF!? It is at this precise moment I start praying the intrigue of this film is not based on a man’s love for his dog and a bloody car.

John Wick 06 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
“Don’t smoke cigarettes…or my dog.”

0:24:14 Apparently John Wick was in the Russian Mafia but the Don’s son and car thief / puppy murderer (Alfie Allen as Iosef Tarasov) didn’t know this because of all the wiseguy WTF!? The Don’s son just happened to steal a car from the most dangerous hired gun the Mafia has ever known!? It’s a small underworld.

Viggo Tarasov (Michael Nyqvist): John wasn’t exactly the bogeyman. He was the one you sent to kill the fucking bogeyman.

0:29:54 John wants to kill Iosef, the Don’s son, so a plethora of Russian enforcers descend on John’s house and he eliminates them all. He should’ve fought this hard the first time they came to his house.

0:31:32 As a hitman, he’d make a killing.

John Wick 05 GIF Take a stab (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
Taking a stab at it


John [on the telephone]: This is Wick. John Wick, yes, that’s right. I’d like to make a dinner reservation for twelve.

This is the code used in the film to order a clean up crew at a location. “Dinner reservation for twelve” means there are twelve bodies to be disposed of. John’s not the only one with reservations, I’ve got some and they’re quite serious.

0:36:23 Marcus (Willem Dafoe) agrees to kill John Wick for 2,000,000 dollars. It would seem they have history, but that chapter is over.

0:53:41 John kills every Mafioso in a Russian club. BTW, guess what colour the Mafia lackeys’ shirts are. #Red

0:54:38 John gets shot and beaten in the club much worse than he ever did in his house, yet now he can still fight and he bounces right back. Perhaps he cares more about Russian dogs than his dead one.

0:56:42 The doctor makes a house call to the hotel room he’s staying in and offers pain medication. John has a bottle of medicine already, and it starts with the letter ‘whiskey’.

John Wick 04 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
Fill ‘er up

0:58:03 Ms Perkins (Adrianne Palicki), a hit-woman, interrupts John during his quiet time by shooting his bed and his walls and his floors. She’s not very good at this business, unless her business is nailing furniture.

1:02:28 John goes into a church and, before he burns all the mob’s money, he makes everyone holey.

1:04:36 Ms Perkins has a message for Directors the world over.

John Wick 07 GIF Memo Meme (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
Take a meme, Ms Perkins

1:06:04 John kills Viggo’s entourage until his other son gives him a lift with his car.

John Wick 08 GIF Give ma a lift (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
Can you pick me up?

1:06:32 After capturing John, do the Mafia then kill him, which is what they’ve been trying to do for the last half an hour? No, they take him prisoner and ransom him for a stack of WTF!?

1:09:57 Viggo speaking to John Wick.

John Wick 23 WTF Say Fucking Dead (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

I’ve been saying this to myself over and over for the past hour.

1:11:08 Marcus takes out the only two guards on John after Viggo leaves. Marcus has only seemingly been hunting John; in fact, he’s been watching over him. I wager Viggo will resent not seeing the killing through to Wick’s end.

John Wick 09 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
“Ok, one more time. Pay attention. When the music plays you walk around the chairs, and when it stops you hurry…”


Viggo: SHIT!

Let the regretting commence.

1:14:11 Viggo exchanges his life for his son Iosef’s location and cancelling the contract on John’s life. John could call this an escape clause.

1:16:52 As John kills Iosef, I can’t shake the feeling that the story of this film was already Taken.

1:19:30 Like Guardians of the Galaxy, the best part of this film is the soundtrack.


Viggo (to Marcus): While it [the contract] was open you had every chance, every opportunity to kill John Wick and if you had done your job my son would be still alive.

You could say the same thing to the mirror, you knob.

John Wick 10 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
“About those nose hairs…”

1:22:28 Viggo and Ms Perkins kill Marcus. At least this time Viggo actually killed someone rather than let him escape to exact revenge. It can learn.

1:24:12 Ms Perkins is executed in an idiot’s firing squad for having broken the cardinal rule of the Continental Hotel, which is no fighting. She made her coffin, now she’ll lie in it.

John Wick 11 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
Pray the chap across from you doesn’t miss

1:25:14 John absolutely has to return to rub out Viggo. After getting revenge for his dog and his car, of course he must have revenge for his friend. He can’t let a good revenge go to waste.

1:31:53 Viggo dies and John walks off to the scene that began the film, way back when we were still awake.

1:33:51 Lol, he goes to the veterinary hospital (at the Docks!?) to lick his wounds because it hurts like a bitch.

1:34:26 Then he steals a puppy because it reminds him of his wife.

John Wick 12 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
Who taught that bitch to drive?

Roll credits


Produced by Eva Longoria.

Well, that explains the ‘desperate’ part.

Tally Ho’

  • WTF!?’s: 9 burning ones
  • When to Follow: A lot to do around the house but you still would like to watch a film? John Wick is the prefect background movie: it’s at its best when you listen to the soundtrack and can’t concentrate on the story.
  • Where’s This Found: I’m gobsmacked this film received as much positive attention as it did. The action is like Keanu’s acting: there’s a lot of it, but it’s repetitive and limited in range. Out of a possible 10, I have 5 F’s to give

5 Fs

  • What To Feedback:

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

John Wick 13 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
Dancing with Tsars
John Wick 14 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
Shooting a photograph…
John Wick 15 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
Backstreet Alley Boys / ‘N Stink / Boyz II Bad / Limited Edition / New Kids On The Engine Block
John Wick 16 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
Hair style by Dumb & Dumbest
John Wick 17 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
Preys religiously
John Wick 18 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
If you connect the dots, it spells trouble
John Wick 19 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
Product placement, Columbian style
John Wick 20 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
Gunning the Engine
John Wick 21 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
The gun won’t be the only thing fired
John Wick 22 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
Still doesn’t get the picture

Prints suitable for reposting!

John Wick 24 meme dancing tsars (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

John Wick 28 meme act naturally (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

John Wick 25 meme preys religiously (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

John Wick 26 meme product placement (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

John Wick 27 meme get the picture (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

What to Follow Up

Exposed 01 poster (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
WTF review of a time Keanu exposes himself


WTF!? review of the Ethan Hawke version of John Wick
Oh Al! Booze Revooze of review of Adrianne Palicki in G.I. Joe: Retaliation
Fernby Films review of the Tom Cruise version of this film

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22 thoughts on “WTF: John Wick (2014)

  1. Once again, my positive thoughts about this movie must now be reconsidered…..

    Nah, I still liked it – hell, I really enjoyed it.

    But this review is equal to that enjoyment in a whole load of different ways. Nice job again, my friend.


    1. Sir Rod!

      It would seem you and I have a divergence of sorts when it comes to action films! I look for the same qualities that make other films good films, while you’ll swallow any old pap. Just teasing! 😉

      But seriously, Keanu Reeves?

      Glad you enjoyed the review more than I did the film! ANd thanks ever so for commenting.

      WTF, Hot Rod!

      Saint Pauly


    1. John, good sir!

      I truly appreciate your visit and your comment. I suspect many readers visit my site to read me waxing poetic about my adoration for films they enjoyed and, upon learning I appreciated the opus much less than they did, they take it out on me by spewing vitriol. How refreshing it is to read a polite comment from someone who diagrees with me (no matter how wrong you are…jk 😉 ).

      As a film lover, I would never say that a film I personally dislike is dislikeable. Everyone has their own taste and you’re right that John Wick is a good film, because you thought it was. And my Australian friend/film reviewer agrees with you as well, so if you want to read the review of someone who agrees with you, check this out!

      Your visit and time is greatly appreciated.

      WTF John (Watch The Film),

      Saint Pauly


  2. Not a single thought given to the choreography, screenplay or stunt work, where this movie shines above millions of others by a mile. Poor review…


    1. Hello Sam!

      You’re so right! I’m sorry I neglected so much of the film and will make up for that omission right away.

      1) Choreography: I don’t remember any dancing, so whatever they had, it was forgettable.
      2) Screenplay: laughable
      3) Stunt work: acceptable

      Seriously, I hated this film and you loved it, so while I don’t agree with you, I appreciate your taking the time to read what I wrote and to make a comment. Hopefully we’ll find common ground on something else!

      WTF Sam!? (Watch The Film)

      Saint Pauly


      1. Give us an example of a film that you truly praised so we can unfairly nicpick it clean and show our obvious bias. And I hope that you learned to use better vocabulary by now than “WTF”


        1. Hallo ‘Someone’!

          My site is full of films that I adore so please feel free to attack any of them. (The last one is Revenge, which should be still on the front page.) I promise I’ll care less about your review than you did mine.

          Additionally, thank you for your concerns about my vocabulary but as I know “nicpick” isn’t a word and you, apparently do not, it would seem your case is even more desperate than mine.

          WTF ‘someone’,

          Saint Pauly


    1. Hallo there!

      ‘Dude’, I did get all my shit together…and then I called it John Wick. xD

      I appreciate your point of view, my friend, and appreciate your sharing it here! Come back again soon…and often!

      WTF!? (Watch The Film)

      Saint Pauly


  3. Hello Saint, I totally agree with you. My mind don’t fit with the idea of any positive comment. Recently I have a shit and I name it John wick 2. I hope that you see it soon. Greetings


    1. Hello Germán!

      Thank you for your visit and lovely comment on the review! It’s also nice to know that I’m not the only one who did not appreciate John Wick at all.

      You’re not the only one who decided to make a sequel! There is a John Wick II, scheduled to be released in 2017. So I think that means many people will be looking at your shit!

      WTF Germán (Watch The Film),

      Saint Pauly


  4. Man! Love the whole page full of insults and downsizing!!! You just made me love this movie more!!! Thanks!!!


    1. Hallo there, Someone!

      Glad I could add to your enjoyment of the John Wick experience. Spend some time looking around and I’ll help you to enjoy many films that I detested!

      WTF!? Someone (Watch The Film),

      Saint Pauly


  5. I’ve been trying to justify going to see John Wick 2, because it has part of the cast of The Matrix, but I can’t. I didn’t even love The Matrix that much, but it had something I liked. Like the fake world/real world, and the oracle. I liked Morpheus and trinity, and some motifs in it. But John Wick 2 doesn’t seem like The matrix, it just seems like a straightforward mafia/hitman/revenge action movie. The kind that…satisfies nothing. I don’t watch movies to see explosions and popular cars, or just to see a bunch of people get killed.


    1. Hallo Tedoymisojos!

      Thank you for the comment! I’m sure to see it when it comes out, but only because it’s part of my job. Well, that and I love watching bad films that will be easy for me to critique! I agree with you that there would seem to be much of little interest in this sequel to a film that had little interest. Not to mention, the critics have been quiet on this, for the most part, which tells me they mistakenly loved the first one and realised the error of their ways when they saw the sequel, so there’s one more reason not to go!

      The final, and perhaps best reason, would be that you don’t need to! When it comes out online, I’ll review it here and you’ll be able to see all of the best parts for free!

      Thank you so much for the visit!

      WTF!? tedoymisojos (Watch The Film),

      Saint Pauly


  6. This film is absolutely fantastic. Pure action all the way through. In the same vein as the first John Wick but even better. Bloodier. Bolder. Funnier. In fact some of the comedy touches are shear genius. And was that a quick 1 second glimpse of a commodore 64 i saw in there? Please can someone confirm. Common is fantastic as one of the villains. In fact his interplay with Keanu is super.


    1. Hallo Carey!

      So glad you enjoyed the film. While it obviously wasn’t my cup of tea, that doesn’t mean it was a poor film. As for the Commodore 64, that would seem to be the computer of choice at The Continental, which is used because it’s more ntraceable than its modern counterparts.

      Thanks for the read and the comment!

      WTF Carey!? (Watch The Film),

      Saint Pauly


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