WTF: Outcast (2014)

Outcast 01 poster (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be fishing for clues to Outcast, examining its hooks and throwing out its lines to see if it’s a reel good catch or if it’s just fishy. So read on only if you’ve already seen Outcast, or don’t plan to.

Watch OUTCAST here

Outcast 02 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Unlike the horse, Hayden is out of his depth

0:01:16 I’d forgotten Hayden Christensen is in this! In this battle with Nicolas Cage for worse actor, Hayden is off to a good start as he speaks ‘olde tyme English’…but only every other word.

0:01:39 The film begins in the Middle East in the 12th century, in a time before good acting and decent screen writing.

0:02:48 Slow motion scene of crusaders killing Middle Easterns. The filming is a tribute to 300, by which I mean stolen. This is Nicolas Cage’s second film to be set in the Crusades (the first being Season of the Witch). It’s as though he’s on a crusade against good taste.

[Note: At the end of this battle scene, passing reference is made to a pile of dead female locals. Gallain (Nicolas Cage) turns away in disgust, believing Jacob (Hayden Christensen) and his men are responsible. As a result, the two part ways and don’t speak again until the 1-hour mark of this film.]

Outcast 03 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
“Hey, we have cross hairs on our chests!”

0:09:08 After defeating the heathens, the film jumps three years and lands in a steamy pile of WTF!? (Why The Far-east!?).

0:10:04 A dying king (Shi Liang as ‘The King’ – whose character name should give you an idea of the creativity that went into this piece of script) passes down the power to his youngest son (Ji Ke Jun Yi as ‘Mei’ – pronounced ‘Meh’), who’s an early Asian tween hippie. The old man does this behind the back of his older son (Andy On as ‘Shing’), who’s a psychopath and in charge of the army. No, I can’t see anything wrong with that plan. TIL everyone spoke English in 12th century China.

0:15:42 The warrior son kills his ailing father for refusing to give up the location of the royal seal.

Outcast 04 seal meme (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)

Not a royal circus animal, but the stamp that signifies the bearer is the one, true King. The old king gave it to his little son, who ran away with his his sister (Yifei Liu as ‘Lian’). Like a youngster on a strict ovine diet, the boy is on the lam.

0:16:51 Shing tells everyone his young brother killed their father and absconded with the signet. #Sealnapping

022:49 In a remote inn, the warrior’s guards arrest the young king and princess and steal the seal. Jacob (Hayden Christensen) is there, somehow, high on opium and attacks the guards with his bad performance. They’re helpless and all succumb in a matter of minutes.

0:23:18

Outcast 05 GIF pissed off (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Pissed off and on

0:25:01 Jacob says he’ll leave if he can have his sword back. When the leader of the bad guards starts to hand it over, Hayden tosses a spear through his face.

Outcast 06 GIF Get my point (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Get my point?

0:25:22 WTF!? After defeating a dozen armed guards and killing the leader with a precision spear throw, Hayden returns to being stoned? Unfortunately for the director (Nick Powell), we’re not as high as Jacob is meant to be.

0:26:24 WTF!? WTF!? WTF!? WTF!? WTF!? Jacob abandons Lian and Mei in front of the Inn, literally at their enemy’s doorstep. All the Black Guard need do now is walk outside and end the film. Yet the evil army decide to wait in the inn – giving the siblings the time to escape – only to spend the rest of the film hunting them down. Maybe it’s a B&B: Bad & Bullshit.

0:28:22 Because of all the killing he did as a warrior, Hayden changes his mind and adopts the baby royalty to protect them. If all else fails, they’ll be able to use his haircut as a distraction.

Outcast 10 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
“I wonder what George Lucas meant by, ‘Never again in a million light years’.”

0:33:26 Jacob saves a little girl and they adopt her like a puppy (Xiaoli, played by Coco Wang –  which is also my favourite snack food).

Outcast 11 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Just horseing around

Outcast 04 seal meme (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)0:35:36 For those of you interested in the story line, if the little prince arrives at some village for some ceremony with the royal seal then he is automatically King and nothing can be done about it. Thus, Shing wants his brother killed before arriving at said town. Also for those of you interested in the story, I pity you.

0:36:43 Jacob has hash for dinner, and by hash I mean he eats opium.

0:39:32

Outcast 08 SC (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Shing wants to have the big boy crown

0:41:28 While Jacob teaches Mei to shoot, there’s a flashback to Gallain (Nicolas Cage) teaching Jacob the bow and arrow. If Gallain also taught the little brat how to act, that would explain many of the issues I have with this film.

Outcast 09 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Hey, boy genius. You forgot the arrow.

0:44:34 The group find themselves in the middle of a desert, where Jacob gives his gold to an Asian Mata Hari (Anoja Dias Bolt as ‘Anika’) who agrees to let them travel with her caravan. No doubt because she’s curious about Jacob’s accent shifting from English to Irish with all the grinding of an American teen learning to drive a manual transmission.

0:48:22 The four stay with Anika and she offers Jacob a brick of opium as big as my ego. He starts in on it and some poisoned wine immediately. He must already be on drugs if he can’t see the conniving betrayal brimming in Anika’s eyes.

0:51:18 WTF!? Jacob wakes up with a hangover from the drugged wine and the opium and can barely stand unless he’s fighting the series guards throwing themselves at him.

Outcast 12 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
“Just a little off the top,” said Jacob the barber-ian

0:55:24 He single-handedly defeats an entire regiment of Chinese guards. Apparently the only fighting they do is to stay awake.

0:56:46 The three younger escapees run through a forest at the edge of the desert (WTF!?) and suddenly their pursuers are set upon by a mysterious outbreak of arrows. Still, our heroes are eventually caught like a cold.

Outcast 13 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
On a ganja run

0:58:51 After fighting and killing over a dozen men, running across town like the Prince of Persia, swimming across a river and rowing to the jungle at the edge of the desert, Jacob decides to start feeling his hangover. Then he meets a group of allies who give him a massage but we don’t know if it, like the film, has a happy ending.

1:00:32 The allied group (which also magically liberated the young trio) is led by Gallain (Nicolas Cage), who arrives just in time for the last third of the film. Apparently the director understood that the easiest way to make a good Nicolas Cage film is to have him in it as little as possible. [See Kick Ass]

Outcast 14 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
The sheer excitement of acting with rocks…and Nic Cage

1:08:12 Gallain learns he’s held a grudge against Jacob for no reason, as the heathen children he’d thought Jacob had killed were killed by their mothers, who then killed themselves. Pity Jacob waited a decade to explain this. Maybe he saw it as a way to avoid contact with Nicolas Cage.

1:09:47 Nicolas Cage and Hayden try to out bad-act each other. Hopefully sick bags will be delivered with the DVD.

1:11:02 Jacob and Lian finally consummate their puppy love with a kiss that looks like snails humping.

Outcast 15 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)

1:12:46 Acting isn’t for everyone, but especially not Nicolas Cage.

Outcast 16 SC (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
As bad as his hair

1:17:02 Gallain’s band and Jacob fight the Black Guard with bows and bombs. Frankly, an episode of Arrow is far better and the actors are hotter.

1:20:07 Gallain’s wife dies and he’s as upset as someone who paid to see this film.

1:21:29 WTF!? Look at all the Black Guards that are simply standing around waiting for their turn to be slaughtered. Why wouldn’t they all attack at once instead of standing in a death row?

Outcast 17 gif numbers up (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
“Kindly wait until your number’s up.”

1:22:25 Gallain’s death scene is not a minute too soon.

1:25:24 WTF!? Instead of killing his baby brother and ruling the world, Shing decides to fight Jacob for sport? Jacob just can’t lose, no matter how hard he tries.

1:26:54 When Jacob starts to get the upper hand, two of the Black Guard shoot him with arrows. The one general loyal to the king (Byron Lawson as ‘Captain Peng’), and only reluctantly part of Shing’s army, says he’ll kill the next soldier who fires an arrow. Shing shoots him the same look my readers do me when I lay to waste their favourite film.

Outcast 18 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
“I’ll take a stab at this.”

1:27:28 Shing kills his sister because she begins stabbing him. This gives Jacob the energy he needs to kill Shing, because he slept with Lian the night before and wants to return to that hot oven. If he hurries, he might be able to get some warm leftovers.

1:27:47 Shing forgets he outranks General Peng, and so is killed by Jacob before telling his army to ignore what Peng said and shoot all the arrows they like into Jacob.

1:28:44 WTF!? Lian comes back from the dead and tells everyone she’ll be all right? She’s just one big hypochondriac, she is.

Outcast 19 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
“Dear God, why do you let bad films happen to good people?”

1:29:18 Everyone kneels down before the boy emperor because he’s they only one left standing.

1:31:28 Jacob abandons Lian to all this WTF while her brother becomes the leader of the kingdom of WTF.

Outcast 07 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
He’s finished reading this review…and he’s mad because of all the big words

Roll credits

Tally Ho’

  • WTF!?’s: 11 derelict ones
  • When to Follow: In bed with your tablet, when you’re not in the mood for horror but horrible to fall asleep to.
  • Where’s This Found: This film was simply made to penetrate the Chinese audience and garner all their hard earned yuan. I say we do the diplomatic thing and leave it to them. Out of a possible 10, I have 2 F’s to give

2 Fs 139pt

  • What To Feedback: What is Nicholas Cage’s BEST movie. Yes, there is at least one.

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

Outcast 20 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
“Girl, what do you have down there, sandpaper?”
Outcast 20 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
“After this scene, I’ll show you how to thrust your spear.”
Outcast 22 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Puberty is a hairy experience
Outcast 23 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Only got into acting becaue he heard he’d do lines
Outcast 24 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Even his head condom could not contain his dandruff
Outcast 25 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
With only one eye, Gallain’s aim was hit and miss
Outcast 26 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
“A little lower, sis.”
Outcast 27 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
“I had it first!”
Outcast 28 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
A man of his sword

Prints suitable for reposting!

WTF!? do you meme?

Outcast 29 meme horseing (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)

Outcast 30 meme arrow (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)

Outcast 30 meme dear god (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)

What to Follow Up

WTF!? review of an even worse Nicolas Cage film
Hilarious Booze Revooze of another horrid film
Fernby Films looks at another crap film with a different crap actor

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4 thoughts on “WTF: Outcast (2014)

  1. A sad loser living in his mom’s basement thinks an Academy Award winner (Cage) and a Golden Globe nominee (Christensen) are bad actors. “WTF” indeed.

    Like

    1. Hallo Anonymous!

      Thanks so much for your visit! Tbh, I was a little disappointed I didn’t like Outcast. Every other ‘respected’ critic detested this film as well, so I found myself in step with the rest of the world with this one. I usually like to be unique in my opinion (in liking Hardcore Henry, for example), but sadly I hated this film as much as every other decent reviewer out there.

      I think it’s adorable that you enjoyed Outcast, however! I’m sure it will continue to hold special memories for you even after you finish middle school. I’m sorry I didn’t appreciate it as much as you did, but when you get older you’ll see your tastes become more discerning! Don’t worry, little one!

      You caught me off guard, though, when you stated you thought ‘a nerd’ would be against this film!? WTF!? Those who live in their parents’ basements and spend their evenings playing D&D online are the target audience for this film, my friend! People in possession of a ‘life’ prefer films that entertain and actors who make us forget life’s pain, rather than cause it.

      WTF Anonymous!? (Watch The Film),

      Saint Pauly

      Like

      1. LOL that sure is a defensive and lengthy response to a 2 sentence comment calling you a basement dwelling loser. Insecure, much?

        Fact is, I never defended Outcast, (I could, thought it was underrated as Fuck, but unlike you I actually have friends and a life) just called you out on being a retard for defending two proven talented actors. Hayden Christensen was nominated for a Golden Globe for Life as a House and got Oscar Buzz for Shattered Glass while Nick Cage has an Academy Award for Leaving Las Vegas, a film many consider to be one of the best of all time.

        Then you call me a nerd with your faggy Yoda avatar. You think you’re some kind of badass Jedi with your plastic lightsaber or some gay shit? Nah. You’re a virgin, nobody reviewer on the internet who never will get laid lol. But would do you some good to maybe watch some more movies like the aforementioned with all the time you’re spending NOT getting pussy. It”s cool to be butthurt tho. Lol.

        Like

        1. Hallo Someone,

          You’re still here? Why do you insist on returning? Thank you for the visits, though. Those clicks you insist on ringing up on my counter will bring more money in, so thanks for that.

          I refuse to engage you, however, despite the myriad inaccuracies in your statement, because I won’t be seen as condoning hate speech.

          I merely post your comment so other readers (especially those who disagree with me respectfully and debate me as an adult, as opposed to the puerile attitude you are genetically stricken with) can see the mentality of some that visit 123WTF!?.

          A note to anyone reading this comment: This sort of prejudiced, bigoted and homophobic ranting will get you banned from my site and most other civilised sites on the net.

          …just called you out on being a retard…
          …a nerd with your faggy Yoda avatar…
          …some gay shit…

          As for you, brave ‘Someone’ (why is it the worst trolls are always ashamed to leave their name?), I refuse to feed the trolls.

          Like

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