Watch ZOMBEAVERS here
[NOTE: In order to review this film as thoroughly as possible, I’ve found myself in the uncomfortable position of being constrained to include some NSFW photos. If nudity offends you, please read another of my critiques.]
Joseph: You know, I dated a guy once.
Luke: Could I hear all about it?
Joseph: I mean, there’s not a lot to tell. It’s like one of the easiest weeks in my life, other than the sex. That was brutal. You know, it’s not the dick, it’s the whiskers, man. Just creeps you out. Yeah, we just agreed on everything. “Want to get some beers?” “Yeah.” “Want to watch the game?” “Absolutely.”
Wait, what? Less than 2 minutes into this film and it’s already genuinely funny? No one warned me this was supposed to be good.
Luke: My friend told me I can’t shit in his house any more.
Joseph: Isn’t that the worst?
Sounds like a shitty deal.
0:02:25 Texting while driving, Joseph hits a deer and, in the process, a barrel of medical waste falls off the back of the truck and into a neighbouring lake. That Luke warned him well enough in advance not to hit the deer taints the film with a film of WTF!?
0:04:22 Stylish opening credits. #Credit
0:05:21 A young blonde bird (Lexi Atkins as Jenn) is crying in a petrol station loo and hash tagging out her breakup with a bloke named Sam. She later joins two other girls in a motorcar filled with luggage, because girls come with a lot of baggage.
Proof that Lexi Atkins has good taste and a good sense of humour:
0:07:15 Jenn’s boyfriend cheated on her (boys are what they have: dicks) so the trio is getting away for the weekend. One lass, Zoe (Cortney Palm), has a dog – dogs in horror films always finish as monster bait.
About not inviting the boyfriends…
Mary (Rachel Melvin): We know that’s asking you to give up a lot.
Zoe: Only about six inches.
0:08:28 A young lad is attacked from behind by a shadow making pig noises. I was led to believe there would be atrocious special effects and not cheap shots.
0:10:38 After the younger women arrive at the cabin, the neighbour lady, Myrne Gregorson (Phyllis Katz), comes over to greet the younger women. When Zoe sarcastically reassures Mrs Gregerson that they’ve never had sex in their lives, Myrne Gregerson says,
My daughter’s a total fucking bitch, too. A real whore. Sometimes she brings people home, I don’t even know what sex they are. And I’m not saying anything negative about them – I’m a very very liberal woman – but my daughter is a real piece of work…and not that attractive.
0:13:42 NSFW nudity alert: Zoe removes her bikini bra to tan without tan lines and either the air is nippy or she’s very happy.
Are Courtney Palm’s tats as real as her milk sacks? Well, they’re at least as real. She has
- a text tattoo on the inside of her right arm that reads “In peace with justice / In harmony with nature”
- a gecko with the initials LP (for ‘Lake Powell’, not ‘Loves Pauly’)
- the quote “Float Upon Sturdy Waters” on her side
- a Palm (hey, like her name) with an eye on it in the other side.
Marked for life.
0:14:54 Perhaps the scariest thing about this film is that the actresses swam in this cesspool. I wonder what’s happening to their beavers now.
016:21 LOL, Zoe covers up when they spot a bear. She refuses to bear her breasts.
0:17:32 We’re introduced to Smyth (Rex Linn), with a’y’, “in case you need to write me a cheque sometime.” He’s a hunter who tells all the girls to cover up, and he doesn’t mean the “politician in Thailand” sense.
Smyth: What brings you across the lake?
Jenn: We were looking for beavers.
Smyth: Well hell, ain’t we all?
I give you my solemn word that this review will have fewer ‘beaver’ puns than the film. The score is 1 for me [see 14:54] and 1 for the film.
0:22:01 Mary’s hot boyfriend Tommy (Jake ‘Ever so’ Weary), Jenn’s cheating boyfriend Sam (Hutch Dano), and Zoe’s boyfriend Buck (Peter Gilroy) show up in a predictable surprise. The second act of the film begins its quick descent into mediocrity. Seriously, Zoe is the badass of the group and we’re to expect this is the man she’s chosen for her beau?
Oh! I feel like a Power Ranger.
Buck fornicating Zoe
And I hoped the zombeavers would be the most irrealistic thing about this film.
0:25:12 Sam tries to explain the photo of him kissing another girl that appeared on Facebook.
I know it looks bad. I do. But I was drunk.
Said every boy ever at least once.
(That’s 2 ‘beaver’ puns for me, 1 for the film.)
0:27:28 The zombeavers arrive, and not a minute too soon. One is waiting for Jenn before she gets in the shower. Am I the only one who gets completely undressed before getting in the shower?
0:29:02 After the zombeaver attacks Buck, Tommy beats it to death with a baseball bat. Technically, beat it to another death.
Mary: That was rabies?
Tommy: Yeah, probably. Then again, I’ve never seen a real beaver before up close so…
Buck: Me neither.
Zoe: Well maybe you should try going down on me once in a while, Buck.
(That’s 2 for the film.)
0:31:07 WTF!? This is not the same lake the girls went swimming in.
Buck: Sorry Sam didn’t kill anything, because that would be the only beaver he’s getting this weekend.
Jenn: Will you please stop with the beaver jokes?
(#3 for the film, still 2 for me.)
So, you seen the mysterious photo?
Sam to Mary while on the float in the lake
And just like that I understand Jenn’s best friend Mary is the girl Sam was kissing.
0:35:24 One of the beavers bites off Buck’s foot. There are beavers afoot.
0:35:27 FYI, the way they zoom on Jenn’s face while she screams “Get out of the water!” is a reference to Steven Spielberg’s 1975 classic Jaws, when Roy Scheider / Chief Brody does the exact same thing.
0:36:46 Lol, Jenn, in the cabin, can’t use the phone as the zombeavers chewed through the phone lines. Dam beavers.
0:38:29 Meanwhile, Sam throws the dog off of the raft [see 7:15] to lure the beavers away so the humans can just stand there watching the beavers leave, rather than jumping in and swimming to safety as they’d planned.
0:39:31 Suddenly, it’s instantly night and nothing has changed except the clothes. The youths apparently have been standing around the kitchen looking at the beaver Jenn pinned to the counter with a knife for six hours. I’ve had more fun paying tax.
(3 – 3 tie on the ‘beaver’ puns.)
0:41:47 Zoe told Jenn (and the ever-so-sexy Tommy) that the girl kissing Sam in the picture was Mary. Thank God the beavers choose this moment to attack because the high school drama club is wearing on my last nerve.
0:44:02 Tommy carries Buck and Zoe carries his foot in her handbag while they make a break for the car and, hopefully, escape. This would surprise me more than zombie beavers.
0:45:28 WTF!? In the neighbour’s house, a zombeaver kills a dog and hides its body without making a sound in the space of 6 seconds while the bloke is petting the dog!
0:47:06 There’s a twig in the middle of the road, blocking the pick-up truck. Tommy decides Buck’s condition is not as bad as he stated because he’s sending Zoe to take Buck back to the house in the car. Tommy, on the other hand, goes it alone, on foot, with some weapons he’s found in the back of a pick-up truck. It would seem his minutes are numbered.
Buck: Zoe, I’m sorry I never ate your pussy. I’m gonna go back and eat all of it one day.
Zoe: It’s OK, baby. We’re gonna get out of here, OK?
Buck: It just smells so bad down there.
That’s below the belt.
0:47:54 Tommy is killed by the beavers who made a tree fall on him. Meanwhile, Smyth returns and rescues Zoe and Buck, taking them back to the house. Additionally, his truck sits on the opposite side of the fallen tree from the car, thus impossible to use to return to the cabin, but on the right side to drive to safety. I call WTF!?
This just in. If you are receiving this broadcast, barricade your doors and windows and do not leave your home. Unless you want the deal of the century! Come on down to Ashland Toyota!
What I suspect is a double reference. The first, clearly, is a nod to the original Night of the Living Dead, which included this radio announcement.
The main advice news reporters have been able to get from official sources is to tell private citizens to stay inside their homes behind locked doors. Do not venture outside for any reason until the nature of this crisis has been determined, and until we can advise what course of action to take.
The second, possible, reference is in the name of the Toyota dealership: ‘Ash’ is the lead character in the brilliant The Evil Dead series.
Smyth: Filthy hairy beavers.
That makes 4 ‘beaver’ puns for the film.
0:52:31 Smyth arrives back at the house with Zoe and Buck but the others have boarded up the door so the newly arrived have to run across a field to get to the neighbour’s house. Evidently, they cannot take the truck they’ve just arrived in because of all the WTF strewn about.
We cannot turn against each other right now. That is exactly what the beavers would want.
Sam to Jenn and Mary
There are not enough lines like this to hold up this film.
0:58:54 Mary decides to go to bed because all of the excitement is putting her to sleep. Jenn joins her in bed, not for the lesbian scene that’s set up for us, but for Jenn to turn into a zombie beaver (which, let’s be honest, is nearly the same thing as a lesbian).
1:00:32 Buck now changes into a zombeaver and WTF!? because he was bitten hours before Jenn and she changed before he did. He then proceeds to bite Smyth’s head off.
1:01:52 Lol, Jenn slapping at the ground with her giant beaver tail is original. #CreditDue.
1:03:06 Zoe, being chased by the neighbor lady, leaps through the first floor window. She hits the ground and is unconscious, making her more down and out than a hobo alcoholic on his last beer.
1:04:57 Rather than try to protect themselves from the army of killer rodents. Sam and Mary decide to have sex on the sink. I hope they have protection…and condoms.
1:05:14 A beaver gnaws the electrical wiring so that he’s on fire and can scurry into the curtain to set the cabin on fire. This film is warming up like a zombie in a microwave.
1:05:32 Jenn comes up through the floor and gnaws off Sam’s wood. Like a meal with no starter or main course, it’s just desserts.
1:05:58 Just when it seems Mary is going to burn to death in the house, Zoe drives the truck through the wall and into the cabin. Mary hops in, but as they drive away, the hunter has become a zombeaver (he changed a lot faster than the first two, WTF you very much) but he’s shooting at the truck with his rifle (WTF, since when do zombies use the skills they had when they were alive… Can zombie doctors perform surgery?). All the fun is bleeding out of this film.
1:06:38 Zoe decides to continue driving but not to continuing looking at the road so she crashes into a tree. The blind driving the blind…
1:07:48 The truck refuses to start…until the last possible moment. They’re driving away in the clear… until Jenn, hiding on the top of the truck, leans over the windscreen. Zoe slams on the brakes…and Jenn falls to the road, then Zoe runs over her head. Basically, the film has turned into a giant cliché, as though all the other zombie films bit this one and infected it with their clichés.
1:08:44 The ladies have to abandon the truck because it can’t get around or over a branch lying in the road? WTF!?
1:10:26 Mary turns into a zombeaver. Zoe kills her with an axe. And many shites were not given that day.
1:10:47 Zoe decides to start limping for some reason. Perhaps, like this film, she’s on her last leg.
Luke: Hey, you see that girl?
Joseph [while texting]: Yeah, I see her.
Luke: I trust you.
At least they nailed the ending.
Roll blooper reel and credits
(Bill Burr and John Mayer are still the funniest part of this film)
1:13:58 Nice crooning jazz Zombeavers theme rendition
1:17:03 Post-credit scene: A bee sucks a dead zombeaver’s dried blood (for the WTF!? nectar) and, infected, returns to the hive for a sequel. Which, to be honest, is actually a great idea for a film.
- Final ‘beaver’ pun tally: 4 for the film and only 3 for me: I win!
- WTF!?’s: 11 biting ones
- When to Follow: A Saturday afternoon when you have an hour to burn (yes, I mean marijuana) before you go out to party.
- Where’s This Found: The opening scene was so original… how could they let the film devolve into clichés? Like a date with me, this is a one 1 hour 17-minute disappointment. Out of a possible 10, I have 5 F’s to give
- What To Feedback: I’ve included some link to NSFW content in this post. How do you feel about this?
Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos
Prints suitable for reposting!
WTF!? did they say?
WTF!? do you meme?
What to Follow Up
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