I shall be thoroughly digesting The Human Centipede 3, examining its movements and poking through its samples to see if it is in good taste or hard to swallow. So read on only if you’ve already seen The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence), or don’t plan to.
Watch THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 3 here
Warning: The subject matter of this film is not for everyone. You Have Been Warned.
0:00:51 Like a movie centipede, this film begins with the end of the second film.
William ‘Bill’ Boss: I fuckin’ told you these movies would be shit, and they are pure shit. Literally, they stink.
Like your grammar. #figuratively
Bill (Dieter Laser, the mad scientist from the first Human Centipede) is speaking to his deputy, Dwight Butler – get it? ‘Butler’ because he’s an assistant (Dwight is played by Laurence R. Harvey, – the ‘star’ of Human Centipede 2). Babies got back in the same film.
0:02:52 There is also a perky blonde assistant (adult film star Bree Olson is Daisy, as in ‘chain’ – get it?) who says she enjoys the Human Centipede series, and that everyone is talking about them. This while she gives Bill Boss a pedicure. Bill implies this isn’t the only job she does on her knees.
0:07:15 Boss is the warden of the George H. W. Bush State prison [the name is of ex US president George W. Bush’s father], a failing prison in Texas. To punish a prisoner (Tommy ‘Tiny’ Lister as Inmate 178), Boss breaks the convict’s ‘masturbation arm’. After this breakup, his left arm will become his ‘significant other’.
0:12:28 Boss receives a package containing dried clitorises. He eats a handful, claiming tribal Africans ingest them for unbelievable strength. He may not be that wrong judging from the butch lesbians I know.
0:12:42 Boss receives a phone call from a voice which states,
It’s your death squad, coming to rape you to pieces.
I only mention this as ‘rape’ is referenced constantly in this film as a threat. Perhaps it’s symbolic of what this film is doing to my eyes.
0:19:15 William ‘Billy’ Boss waterboards the prisoner who called in the rape threat with boiling water. The special effects are as hot as the water really is.
0:20:11 With all of the terrible acting and special effects, the most unbelievable thing about this film is that it has Eric Roberts in it. Maybe his sister Julia will star in a sequel? #EatShit,Love
0:20:23 For the hearing impaired, the subtitles specify ‘Instrumental music’. As compared to…?
0:23:02 Eric Roberts is the Governor and is upset that the prison’s poor results are making him look bad in an election year. He’s given Boss two weeks to remedy the situation, or Boss will be sacked. Billy could always find work at a hospital cafeteria.
0:29:02 Billy Boss castrates a prisoner (Robert LaSardo as Inmate 297) from behind with a folding knife. Inmate 297 goes balls out.
0:30:38 Daisy has a difficult job to give, and Bill hopes she blows it.
0:32:41 Boss eats the prisoners testicles for lunch. He has balls.
I have the answer to all our problems. We’ve got to make a human centipede of our prisoners. Sewn ass to mouth, sharing one digestive system. No more prison fights, no more assaults on guards, no more disrespect. They will literally be on their knees… We don’t gotta deal with their shit no more. They just gotta deal with each other’s.
0:49:38 Isn’t this lovely. The prisoners somehow find Boss alone in the cafeteria, where the castrated chap cuts a hole in Boss’s kidney and begins fornication with it while the other prisoners chant “Death rape.” The good news is, because Boss castrated him, he need not worry about getting pregnant.
0:50:21 But of course, like Tom Six not making The Human Centipede, this is just a dream.
0:51:04 Tom Six cameo (he’s the one to blame for all three Human Centipedes).
First of all, Mr. Six, I’d like to say congratulations on your movies. They’ve become a cultural meme. I mean, there’s the South Park episode of the ‘Human Centipad‘, and then there’s the LA porn parody, and the cat toys…
Dwight is a fan boy. This scene is like The Office set in hell.
0:56:50 The group will create a Human Centipede with the prisoners. Dwight has made some modifications to the original Centipede to make it easier for prisoners to be released. This period comes at the end of their sentence.
0:58:44 The prisoners are shown both Human Centipede 1 & 2 before they’re informed of their fate. It leaves a bad taste in their mouths.
[The scene they’re shown is the same one I made a GIF of here.]
[This scene also features Akihiro Kitamura as Inmate 333. Akihiro played the ‘lead’ of the human centipede in the first instalment of the franchise.]
0:59:44 After hearing of their fate, the prisoners become like this film: revolting.
1:05:07 Either Dieter Laser confuses acting with shouting, or he rehearses in a bowling alley on an airport runway.
1:06:08 Boss is shooting prisoners in their cells with a tranquilliser rifle. Instead of ‘fish in the barrel’ it’s ‘jailbirds in the can’.
1:07:47 It’s not acting, but it’s this.
1:12:44 One prisoner has a stoma, a hole in his abdomen through which urine and faeces pass. As Boss can find no place for him in the chain, he sticks a pistol in the open wound and fires. Why didn’t he just make the bloke the final person in the Centipede? This film could use a problem solver of my magnitude. Someone who thinks outside the bottom.
1:13:27 The doctor, who chooses to stand behind a man being shot at, promotes my website.
1:14:22 Boss forces himself on (and in) Daisy, who is in the prison hospital after being beaten into a coma during the riot.
1:17:58 I can’t help but suspect many of these scenes exist for the sole reason of making this movie last longer. This film, like a genuine human centipede, has a lot of filler.
1:20:22 Tom Six has returned, playing himself, the director of the Human Centipede films and curious to see one in real life. Interesting bit of trivia, he acts as badly as he directs.
1:22:41 When he sees Bill Boss is sawing off the arms of a prisoner, Tom Six vomits. Now he knows how we feel.
You talk so much shit your ass must get jealous.
Governor Hughes to Bill Boss
There it is, I’ve found it! The only quotable line in the film.
1:29:07 Daisy is included in the chain as well. Dwight is upset, as he wanted to click that link.
1:31:22 For the prisoners on death row and those condemned to a life sentence, there is the human caterpillar. It’s resembles the human centipede but has no arms and, like Tom Six, no legs to stand on.
1:35:17 Bill shoots the doctor over his disappointment at the governor’s rejection of the plan. Like someone in the Centipede, I don’t see the link.
1:36:52 Governor Hughes returns and says he is 100% behind the project.
1:38:14 Bill kills Dwight and masks it as suicide so that Dwight can’t claim credit for the idea. Dwight needed Bill like a hole in the head.
- WTF!?’s: As the film is one, giant WTF, there was only 1 really strained one
- When to Follow: More interesting than the 2nd one, not as good as the first (which wasn’t good, either), watch this when you have nothing left to live for.
- Where’s This Found: The Human Centipede series of films is like a human centipede passing the same shite down over and over. The concept has already been processed through two films so now the shock value is as diluted as diarrhoea and just as palatable. The biggest surprise of this film was Laurence R. Harvey. The fact he was a passable actor here makes his performance in The Human Centipede 2 look all that much better. Out of a possible 10, I have 2 F’s to give
- What To Feedback:
[EDIT: I’ve added the choices ‘1 & 2 are good’ and ‘Saw a few minutes of Number 1, but couldn’t continue…’ as readers have commented this. Thank you!]
Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos
Prints suitable for reposting!
WTF!? did they say?
WTF!? do you meme?
What to Follow Up
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