I shall be attacking a review of Sharknado 3, wading through its depths and examining its chops to see if it’s full of action or dead in the water. So read on only if you’ve already seen Sharknado 3, or don’t plan to.
0:00:56 Agents Devoreaux (singer/song writer Ne-Yo) and Argyle (ESPN ‘journalist’ Michelle Beadle) collect Fin Shepard (Ian Ziering) in Washington D.C. He’s easier to pick up than syphilis in a Parisian bar.
0:01:43 Oh no! A massive protest for and against sharks blocks the road! But which side of the debate would you be on?
0:04:27 The President of the United States, Marcus Robbins (bad actor and Shark Tank ‘shark’ investor Mark Cuban), awards Fin the Presidential Medal of Freedom. While receiving it, Fin grimaces as though it’s being pinned somewhere other than his lapel.
Journalist: What’s you opinion of the shark storms, Madame Vice President?
Vice President Sonia Buck (Ann Coulter): I feel for the sharks, but they’re wrecking our schools, our hospitals, our roads…
Fin: Madame Vice President, this is my brother-in-law, Martin (Mark McGrath).
Martin: I’m the good looking one.
WTF!? Who says this of an in-law?
0:06:08 Robert Klein makes a reappearance as the Mayor of New York, and inducts Fin as the first member of the Order of the Golden Chainsaw, with a statuette containing a detachable, working gold chainsaw – to cut through all the B.S.
Jackie Collins: Hi, I’m Jackie Collins and I know your wife wrote a book (and it was very good), but you, you have a great story to tell and I want to be the one to tell it. Here’s my card, and call me.
They used to call me a shark, but now I’m looked upon as a beacon of hope, a symbol of change.
Reference to Mark Cuban’s time on Shark Tank as a ‘shark’ investor. A U.S. President ex-reality star is one of the more believable things in this film.
0:08:18 Ne-Yo is the first casualty of Sharknado 3 when a mini-Sharknado pulls a great white out of the Potomac and hurls it through the window of his vehicle. The first WTF!? of this film is a small one: the Potomac is freshwater, as fresh as saucy lad on his third lager.
0:09: Sharks rain down in through the stained glass ceiling of the White House. This is not the first time sharks have been in the White House, however, and frequently they even live there.
0:09:46 Martin and the Vice President Buck surf past the sharks using original presidential portraits.
Mr Shephard, this literally is one of the most secure areas on the face of the earth.
Secret Service Agent at the door to the Presidential bunker
He should know better than to say this in a Sharknado film.
WTF!? How did the sharks get into the Presidential bunker and, once they got there, how did they learn to fly?
Fin: I thought your policy was to save the sharks…
President Robbins: Nobody attacks my house. This time it’s personal.
0:12:42 The Washington Monument (the tall, pointy one), weakened by the shark attacks, is broken off and hurled at the White House, destroying it but not the President and Fin who are standing just next to it. Evidently, one only need be outside a collapsing building to be safe from its destruction.
Fin: God Bless America.
0:13:28 The best made part of the film may well be the opening credits.
0:15:02 In Orlando’s Universal Studio Theme Park, Fin’s pregnant wife, April Wexler (Tara Reid), is walking with her mother (Bo Derek as May Wexler) and her daughter, Claudia Shephard (Ryan Newman). It’s Claudia’s 18th birthday, and her grandmother passes her a wad of cash as though they’re playing ‘Pay the Hooker’.
[N.B. Be careful, Ms. Newman is actually 17 years old, so keep your thoughts to yourself, you pervs.]
In other news, Claudia Shephard has bought the right anti-ageing cream.
[N.B. Claudia in Sharknado was played by Aubrey Peeples who is 5 years older than Ryan Newman, Claudia in this version. This means that Claudia was 20 in the first film and 17 years old in this one. WTF!?]
0:17:02 American news presenters are in Washington D.C., reporting from the scene of the worst Sharknado “since the first formation two years ago”, yet instead of reporting live from the destruction, they go to two old biddies in Florida drinking wine who only say that there is no rain in Orlando. WTF!?
Fin: Great. Fognado.
Fin drives through a Sharknado on his way from Washington to Florida to be with his family. The journalists don’t report on this storm either because Sharknados are now as commonplace as cold sores on a Kardashian or because they can’t see it through all of the CGI smoke.
0:27:18 Nova and her sidekick Lucas Stevens (Frankie Muniz, TV’s Malcolm from Malcolm in the Middle) travel around the country fighting Sharknados. They’ve learned that Sharknado sharks can live in clouds and eat birds. #NoSeriously
Sharknado sharks, they eat something that regular sharks don’t: birds. And look, this one…[opens an ice chest]…on this one, we found ice. They’re staying up in the clouds for long periods of time. They’re surviving up there, Fin.
0:27:51 April, who lost her hand in Sharknado 2, struggles to put a glove on her bionic fingers.
0:28:45 Fin decides to travel down to Orlando with Nova and Lucas.
Fin: There’s less safe ways I can get down there.
But not more grammatically incorrect ways. #ThereAre #Fewer
Also amusing is the thought that Nova had a crush on Fin back in Sharknado but then changed to have a crush on his teenage son. Who has enlisted in the military, so she has a crush on Fin once more. Nova runs in that family like insanity.
0:30:34 A shark plummets out of the blue (literally – you should see the sky), goes down a water slide and into the pool at Orlando. Apparently slides are built more solidly than scripts nowadays.
0:34:06 The excess sunshine has brought down a bridge, making passage for Fin, Lucas and Nova impossible.
Nova: Merging Sharknados?
What if a shark runs for president? Sharkican! And if it loses? Sharkican’t. And if it’s an unpleasant female? Sharkic– Nope. Not on my site.
0:39:52 Lucas blows up the camping car he hunts Sharknados in, and the explosion makes the storm stop. If this is all it takes, I’m wondering why don’t they just set off explosions wherever there’s a Sharknado?
0:42:08 The United States Air Force give Fin and Nova a fighter aircraft in which to fly to Florida. I think this is something the USAF have already done with Iran and Bin Laden at different points in history, so how could this go wrong?
0:42:44 I would’ve speculated as to why they continue the motorcar race during a Sharknado storm, but from what I understand of NASCAR fans, this is not unusual.
0:44:30 Nova and Fin crash their plane into a Universal Studios river and their clothes fly off faster than the jet.
0:44:30 & 38
0:47:25 Claudia’s best friend (Blair Fowler as Jess) is eaten, making her a secondary roll.
0:50:44 WTF!? They’ve decided to hide inside the Universal Globe? But it’s as empty as their heads!
0:52:00 The globe is thrown by the tornado atop some sort of tower. At least someone’s having a ball.
0:52:54 Nova discusses plans to destroy the merging Sharknados.
Nova: For this one, we’re probably going to need NASA.
Nova: Yeah, we need to create a tower of flames 60 miles high and burning at temperatures hotter than the surface of the sun.
Yes, where could this go wrong? WTF!?
0:58:12 In order to destroy the storm, Fin convinces his father, retired NASA astronaut Gilbert Grayson Shepard (David Hasselhoff), to let him use the secret military space shuttle. I wonder if they keep that in Area 52…
Nova: Your dad sent me to give this [bag] to you. I think he has a crush on me.
Oh that Nova! She just loves a good flocking from those Shephards.
Nova [to Fin]: Hey, I’ve been meaning to tell you, I think you’re going to make a great father this time.
WTF!? “This time”?
1:03:27 To the tune of a bad AC/DC cover band. [‘I’m a Badass’ by ? — does anyone have a clue as to who this band is?]
1:06:24 WTF!? Because there is only 30 seconds before lift-off, it’s easier to get April suited up and into the capsule than it is for her to walk out of a door?
1:07:34 WTF!? Nova shoots a hammerhead shark with a mascara rifle!? #Mascary
1:08:30 Nova flies a fighter plane and it clears the way for the shuttle to launch. Are the sharks attracted to or repulsed by the plane? Like me with this film, we may never know.
Don’t worry, son, it’s just like riding a bike.
Gil Shephard, reassuring his son
But Fin has never flown a space shuttle before! WTF!?
1:10:21 Claudia kisses Billy (Jack Griffo), and young lad she met in the theme park. Immediately after, he’s run through by a shark. Dating a Shephard is deadlier than AIDS and quicker than crabs.
1:13:28 The plan to blow up the storm with the shuttle’s fuel boosters fails, so now the team will try to attempt the same with Reagan’s Star Wars program: the Strategic Defense Initiative. It might even be more successful than the upcoming Star Wars.
1:14:08 The chat show journalists are killed simultaneously, with all of the passion and pizazz of leftover rice.
1:15:16 Gil Shepard must go on a space walk and manually reboot the attack satellites. Fin is worried…
Gil: It’s OK, pal. I’m living my dream.
Fin: Flying in space?
Gil: No. Being your hero.
In space, no one can hear you vomit.
1:17:44 How is it the laser can burn the clouds and the sharks but not the ground? WTF!?
1:19:02 The sharks are flying into outer space and crashing against the shuttle. This isn’t as funny as they think it is.
1:20:29 April is eaten by a giant great white in space, like Nova in the first one and April’s hand in the second. Basically, this film is like married sex, repetitive but unoriginal.
1:20:25 A giant great white shark swallows April. Maybe the shark is sick, because April is definitely a pill.
1:20:45 Fin goes in after his wife.
1:22:51 Yes! This is the spirit that has been missing from the rest of this film. If only they’d had 90 minutes less of pointing the camera at every Hollywood has-been and 90 minutes more of this:
1:23:57 WTF!? They were orbiting around the planet and fell to the earth in burning sharks that just happened to land on a beach near their take-off zone? Dead sharks have better piloting skills than many commercial airliners I’ve been on.
1:24:32 Gil is on the moon, somehow, saluting his son, and he’s still not as far out as this film.
1:24:57 A piece of shuttle debris falls and squashes April like our hopes… Or does it? You decide!
- WTF!?’s: 18 biting ones
- When to Follow: Only during a Sharknado marathon and only if you don’t care if you fall asleep.
- Where’s This Found: When someone accidentally sharts, the expression on his face is priceless and the way he tries to scoot out of the room causing as little spillage as possible is vastly amusing in a base sort of way. But if the same bloke does that exact same thing again, except on purpose and with the express goal of making you laugh, well, the magic is gone. Sharknado was that beautiful disaster than cannot be recreated, now matter how hard or badly they try. Out of a possible 10, I have 3 F’s to give
- What To Feedback: Please answer the survey at the top of the post: Are you For or Against sharks?
[N.B. I used the very informative as a research tool for this review]
Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos
Prints suitable for reposting!
WTF!? did they say?
WTF!? do you meme?
I felt the dearth of cameos really broke up the narrative and put a damper on the fun in Oh Hell No! Proof of that is the exhausting list I’ve provided below. As an Englishman, I wasn’t able to recognize all of the players, so if you know the identity of someone I’ve question marked, please be so kind as to leave a comment!
00:56 Singer/songwriter Ne-Yo as Agent Devoreaux
00:56 ESPN ‘journalist’ Michelle Beadle as Agent Argyle
02:36 Glamour model/professional wrestler Maryse Ouellet Mizanin & reality estate star Reza Farahan as Park Police Guards Reese & Tim
02:52 Blue Collar TV writer/actor Bill Engvall as Gary Martin Hays
03:27 Professional wrestler and journalist Maria Menounos as C.J. Sorkin
04:36 Anti-gay politico Ann Coulter as Vice President Sonia Buck
04:48 T.V. Presenter and cheerleader Keltie Knight as Alves
05:25 TV’s Incredible Hulk Lou Ferrigno as Agent Banner [Get it? Because Bruce Banner is the Hulk’s alter-ego.]
05:32 Retired basketballer/actor Rick Fox as Principle SSA Webb
06:29 ‘Writer’ Jackie Collins as herself
09:12 Ex-host of Myth Busters Grant Imahara as Secret Service Agent Lodge
10:08 Stargate actor Christopher Judge as Secret Service Agent
15:28 Universal President & COO Bill Davis as Universal Studio (Orlando) Park Greeter
17:17 Real Desperate Housewife Kim Richards as Babs Jensen
17:52 YouTube slapper Blair Fowler as Jess
18:18 Soon-to-be-has-been Vine ‘celebrity’ Melvin Gregg as Chad
18:41 American spectacle wrestler Chris Jericho as Bruce the Ride Attendant
19:12 Ant-gay, religious conservative Michele Bachmann as pure evil (i.e. herself)
19:18 American footballer Tom Compton as reporter Tom Levinson
27:38 NSYNCer Chris Kirkpatrick as lifeguard
27:47 Reddit founder Alexis Ohanian as himself
27:52 Radio celebrity Elvis Duran as himself
31:42 Weather forecaster Al Roker himself
34:20 Syfy actress Kellita Smith portraying Sergeant Roberta Warren, her character on the series Z-Nation.
[A hearty ‘thank you’ to Patrick, who recognized this cameo and left a comment. I couldn’t have done it without him!]
35:44 One of Hugh Hefner’s lap warmers Holly Madison as Lieutenant Harrison
35:54 Star Trek: Voyager Tim Russ as General Gottlieb
43:05 NASCAR driver Brad Keselowski as himself
43:06 NASCAR driver Joey Logano as himself
45:58 Singing Irish twins Jedward as himselves
46:22 Old chat show host Jerry Springer as Mr. White
49:57 Game of Thrones writer George R. R. Martin as film goer
0:50:16 Mexican footballer Jorge Bernal as Bernie
54:20 Another Playboy lap warmer Kendra Wilkinson as Flo
54:24 Comedy duo Penn Jillette & Teller as Lieutenant Colonel Style & Major Cassie
58:33 Chat journalist Natalie Morales as herself
59:15 Human beatbox/ Police Academy star Michael Winslow as Brian ‘Jonesy’ Jones
[I owe a debt of gratitude to ‘Someone’, who recognized this actor and told us in a comment. I couldn’t have done it without Someone’s help!]
1:00:22 NASA Rocket Scientist Bobak Ferdowsi as Matt Mason
1:01:31 American football player Chad (Ochocinco) Johnson as Sergeant
1:06:12 Director of all 3 Sharknados Anthony C. Ferrante as NASA Launch Director Marymee [could this be a secret message?]
1:06:29 Black Jesus Gerald ‘Slink’ Johnson as Lieutenant Jared
1:14:49 Politician who left politics because he sexted his weiner Anthony Weiner as NASA Director Regina
The following are the cameos I was unable to locate. If you happened to spot any of these characters while watching the film, would you be so kind as to let me know in the comments? Thank you so much!
- Brian Mitchell, football player, as Technician Howe
- Genevieve Morton, model, as Guest at White House
- Josh Barnett, MMA fighter and wrestler, as Sergeant Richards
- Marcellus Wiley, ESPN broadcaster, as Specialist Iverson
- Max Kellerman, sports host, as Airman Joseph
- Ryan Kerrigan, football player, Technician Garber
What to Follow Up
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