WTF: The Last Witch Hunter (2015)

The Last Witch Hunter 05 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)

The Last Witch Hunter 01 poster (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be delving into the dark art of The Last Witch Hunter, revealing its mysteries and exposing its magic to divine if it’s enchanting or cursed. So read on only if you’ve already seen The Last Witch Hunter, or don’t plan to.

Watch The Last Witch Hunter here

The Last Witch Hunter 02 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
He thinks this is cold, he should read my review

I’ve chosen to review this film because it’s like me: a low hanging fruit.

0:01:58 A group of slovenly blokes walks through an olden day snow-scape. By the looks of some of them, the torches aren’t the only things that are flamers.

Be warned, brothers. She [the Witch Queen] will never truly perish until her heart beats its last.

Beware of stating the blooming obvious, you mean.

The Last Witch Hunter 03 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
The wood witch is playing with fire

0:07:52 Kaulder (pronounced like the opposite of ‘hotter’: Vin Diesel in a wig) kills a scabby witch (Julie Engelbrechtbeneath a tree with a light sabre-like flaming sword. As she dies, she curses him with eternal life (and probably bad acting).

0:11:48 In modern days, Kaulder (a now bald Vin Diesel) prevents a plane crash by confiscating a young witch’s (Bex Taylor-Klaus (from Scream: The TV Series )) runes that are creating a terrible storm. If she were a real witch, she wouldn’t need a plane to fly.

0:12:58 Dolan #36 (Michael Caine, who is in this film because, like a tyke who eats boogers for change, he’ll do anything for a few quid) explains that witches are allowed to live amongst us if they don’t use their powers against humans. Thus Donald Trump is fair game.

The Last Witch Hunter 04 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
“Ok, I’m drunk enough to make this bloody film now.”

0:13:22 Before speaking, Father Dolan must wait for Kaulder to finish the flight attendant he met on the flight (Inbar Lavi as Sonia).

0:14:02

Are you reminiscing about the Ludwig affair?

Father Dolan asks because Kaulder is listening to Beethoven

Leave it to Vin to have an affair with Beethoven… Paul Walker must be rolling in his grave.

The Last Witch Hunter 05 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Is that a toilet, or is Vin making another film?

0:14:28 In a world where learning doesn’t equal caring, we learn Father Dolan is retiring.

0:16:57 Dolan #37 is Elijah Wood and I suspect he will turn out to be evil. Or maybe I’m just busy remembering him from Sin City.

0:19:14 To demonstrate his new role, Father Dolan #37 gets a cross burned into his arm for his pains.

The Last Witch Hunter 06 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Personally, I’d never wear a brand

0:25:14 Kaulder and Dolan #37 must hunt the witches who killed Dolan #36 and nicked his fancy pen. But don’t write him off yet.

0:26:18

It’s not illegal to sell mind-altering bugs.

Max (Isaach De Bankolé), a blind warlock selling enchanted insects

That silence you hear is the sound of no one laughing.

The Last Witch Hunter 07 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
The only one who can’t see anything wrong with this film

0:28:28 Someone lures a kid by leaving gummy bears in a line on the pavement. Because kids love nothing more than sweets fresh off the sidewalk.

0:28:51

The Last Witch Hunter 08 SC Sweet Tree (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Aw, isn’t that tree sweet?

0:29:11 It would seem the candy tree scenario was a hoax orchestrated by a paedophile warlock. That’s a bloke who would enjoy playing with Harry’s magic wand.

0:30:41 Kaulder traps a scruffy perv by throwing a knife into his leg, then pounding the back of the knife so the tip sticks into a board and holds the prick there. Finally, something as cool as it sounds in this film.

The Last Witch Hunter 09 GIF A leg up on the competition (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Getting a leg up on the competition

0:32:31

You look like a terrible band from the 80s!

Ellic Lemasniel (Joseph Gilgun), the warlock that killed Michael Caine, to the council of witches who will judge him

He’s so right that I pity the costume designer.

The Last Witch Hunter 38 WDTS 80s band (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)

0:33:37 While Kaulder whines about not interrogating the prisoner (and why didn’t he?), Dolan #36’s fancy pen grows into a dragon fly the witches put in a tree to power it. That’s one way to draw flies.

0:34:08 For his sins, Ellic is fed to the vagina tree.

The Last Witch Hunter 11 SC Holey Hell (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Holey Hell

This reminds me of the other films with vagina monsters:

Like The Thing

The Thing 08

or Tranformers: Age of Extinction

Transformers Age of Extinction 31 GIF Clap Trap (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)

0:35:44 Turns out Dolan #36 is a lot like Michael Caine in that neither are dead, though they both look like it.

0:36:08 Kaulder and Dolan #37 have two days to break the curse by killing the witch that placed it. Though I suspect Michael Caine is praying for death as a way out of this film.

0:40:16 Chloe (Rose Leslie), the witch bar owner, sells Kaulder her magic cherry to help his memory. I’ve taken some cherries and can confirm they make very good memories.

The Last Witch Hunter 12 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
“I was told you liked little fruits.”

0:44:22 Kaulder awakes from his memory to see that Chloe has handcuffed him to the floor and called the Orson Welles with the hipster beard warlock (Ólafur Darri Ólafsson as Belial). He’s the one who placed the curse on Dolan #36, but he escapes before Kaulder can kill him. Kaulder is actually more of a ‘witch runner after-er’ than ‘hunter’.

0:46:44 WTF!? Chloe berates Kaulder because the warlock destroyed her bar. Maybe she shouldn’t have handcuffed Kaulder and called the warlock, then. It would seem even witches can be real witches.

The Last Witch Hunter 13 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Hipster bars are so hot right now

0:53:16 Kaulder and Chloe begin to fall in love, because what would an American film be without romance – other than better?

0:58:50 Kaulder went to see Danique (Dawn Olivieri), a top model witch, who tricks him by getting him lost in memories of the time he had hair. Chloe the ginger snaps him out of it. This is the second time he was nearly killed whilst looking for a memory. His memory isn’t just bad, it’s evil.

1:00:27 Chloe destroys the amulet that kept Danique young, and Danique’s looks fade like a Londoner’s tan.

The Last Witch Hunter 14 GIF Crumbling Beauty (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
A Crumbling Beauty

1:05:57 As she’s a Dream Walker (and she’d need galoshes to walk through mine), Chloe takes Kaulder back to the intro scene where he nearly died and became the Last Witch Hunter. Once there, Kaulder learns the Dolans have keep the Witch Queen’s beating heart alive because it’s linked to him. If they destroy the heart, they also destroy Kaulder. Kaulder is getting warmer.

1:07:58 Belial wants to find the heart so he can resurrect the Queen. I can’t help but agree, the world needs more queens.

1:09:51 Belial ties Max (the blind bug dealer warlock) to a tree. When Belial puts the Queen’s heart in the dirt at Max’s feet, CGI roots cover him. Max will no doubt grow from this experience.

The Last Witch Hunter 15 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Max’s bark is worse than his bite

1:10:38

Chloe: This isn’t who you are.

Kaulder: It’s all I am.

Too bad that’s not a screenwriter.

1:14:34 Kaulder kills Belial disguised as Chloe (a wolf in bird’s clothing), but this gives the Queen the opportunity to grab Kaulder by his heart. My question is, why doesn’t the Witch Queen kill him here? Could it be their mortality is linked? Or could it be stupid?

The Last Witch Hunter 16 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Her eyes are burning

1:15:18 Michael Caine Dolan comes back to life because Kaulder killed Belial and the curse is lifted. Caine looks as though he’s your gran made of gruel.

1:17:42

If I get hurt now, I stay hurt.

Kaulder as he prepares to stop the Witch Queen from releasing all the witches in witch jail

I repeat my question, why didn’t the Witch Queen kill Kaulder when she had the chance? WTF!?

1:20:14 Chloe must get into trapped warlock Ellic Lemasniel’s head in order to stop the linking of brains that will allow all witches to escape. I think we need not worry, there are not a lot of brains being used here.

The Last Witch Hunter 17 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
“What’s a witch like you doing in a nice place like this?”

1:20:37

Hey, be careful in there.

Kaulder to Chloe as she prepares to enter Ellic’s dream

Now is a little late to start with the jokes.

1:21:52 The vagina tree is the Sentinel, a sort of guard in the Witch’s prison, and it wants to attack Chloe and Kaulder because they removed a prisoner from the cave wall. It may just be a tree guard now, but it’s branching out.

1:24:47 The unified witch chanting ceases because when Chloe killed Ellic in his dream, he died in real life. Hmm, that would be a good idea for a film! Oh wait, it was already made…in 1984, over 30 years ago.

1:26:48

 The Last Witch Hunter 18 GIF Butterflies stomach (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
She’s got butterflies in her stomach

1:28:02 WTF!? Remember the prediction I made about Elijah Wood being evil? It’s not easier being smarter than the movie. Especially when Elijah Wood Dolan could’ve killed Chloe after Kaulder left them to find the Queen, thus saving the Queen’s witch army. Or he could’ve killed the newly mortal Kaulder when he was fighting the Sentinel. It’s as though we all stop trying at some point, but for the people involved with this film, that was at the very beginning.

The Last Witch Hunter 19 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
“Shit, there goes our careers.”

1:29:18 The plague is released while the Witch Queen brainwashes Chloe into participating in the chant. There might be a lot of bad in this film, but this scene isn’t.

The Last Witch Hunter 20 GIF Lord of the Flies (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Lord of the Flies

1:30:34 The Witch Queen kills Dolan #37 with flies because he’s a witch with no magic. She’s the type of woman who will abandon you as soon as the magic is gone.

1:31:54 Using the weather runes he took in the aeroplane [see 11:48], Kaulder makes a storm in a teacup…and decides not to be dead.

1:33:14 Kaulder kills the Queen by throwing a sword through her and all the flies [see 1:29:18] drop dead. I wouldn’t want to be the bloke in charge of mopping up that ecological disaster.

The Last Witch Hunter 22 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Tree hugger

1:35:10

The Axe and Cross betrayed me.

Here Kaulder refers to the organization of priests who protected his immortality. As betrayals go, this is far less than the one perpetrated on those who paid money to see this film.

1:37:44 A pale version of “Paint it Black” (by Ciara) ruins the enjoyment of this film ending.

1:45:58 Lol, it was filmed in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania made up to look like New York.

The Last Witch Hunter 21 GIF Because the film is one giant turd (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Like flies to a turd…

Roll credits

Click here for the soundtrack

Tally Ho’

  • WTF!?’s: Only 4 malevolent ones
  • When to Follow: When you’re at work and want to play on your phone while you watch a film on your tablet at lunch time.
  • Where’s This Found: I’m sure Vin Diesel is a wonderful bloke. Seriously, when I see him in interviews and read about him in the press he seems very sincere, so I’ve no doubt he’s got a myriad of qualities. Unfortunately, ‘good actor’ is not one of these. Not everyone is cut out for acting – especially him it would seem – so as long as he keeps fobbing this dross off on the public, I shall feel compelled to warn viewers. Rose Leslie does her best but she can’t overcome the script or the deficit in which Vin begins the film, and Elijah Wood continues his long, depressing descent into mediocrity. Out of a possible 10, I have 5 F’s to give

5 Fs

  • What To Feedback: Seriously, has Vin Diesel made any good films?

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

The Last Witch Hunter 23 GIF This bugs you (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
His neck is bugging him

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

The Last Witch Hunter 23 poster (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)

The Last Witch Hunter 24 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
“I really gotta find someone to shave my back.”

 

The Last Witch Hunter 25 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Thought the director said ‘a man of statue’

 

The Last Witch Hunter 26 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
“So this is where they grow crosses.”

 

The Last Witch Hunter 27 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Closets in America

 

The Last Witch Hunter 28 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Witches chilling for a spell

 

The Last Witch Hunter 29 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Chocolate, Strawberry and Vanilla: Neapolitan Ice Queen

 

The Last Witch Hunter 30 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Chloe danced til she was out of breath

 

The Last Witch Hunter 31 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
She’s really got his back

 

The Last Witch Hunter 32 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Dandruff in a wind storm

 

The Last Witch Hunter 33 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
“Were you looking at nun porn again!?”

 

The Last Witch Hunter 34 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Elijah Wood in a cast (Think about it)

 

The Last Witch Hunter 35 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Spotlight: The Prequel

 

The Last Witch Hunter 36 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
“I think I’ve found Saint Pauly’s balls.”

 

The Last Witch Hunter 37 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Streaming before the internet

Prints suitable for reposting!

WTF!? did they say?

The Last Witch Hunter 39 WDTS Mind altering bugs (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)

WTF!? do you meme?

The Last Witch Hunter 40 meme toilet (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)

The Last Witch Hunter 41 meme little fruit (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)

The Last Witch Hunter 42 meme hot hipster bar (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)

The Last Witch Hunter 43 meme streaming (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)

What to Follow Up

WTF review of Riddick-ulous Diesel film
WTF review of Riddick-ulous Diesel film
Gods of Egypt 01 poster (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
If you hated The Last Witch Hunter, you’ll really hate this one!
WTF review from when Elijah Wood made good choices
WTF review from when Elijah Wood made good choices

 

Oh, Al! Bar None Audio Dregs Booze Revooze of Fast & Furious 7
Oh, Al! Bar None Audio Dregs Booze Revooze of Fast & Furious 7

 

Fernby Films review of a parody of what's already a parody
Fernby Films review of a parody of what’s already a parody

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5 thoughts on “WTF: The Last Witch Hunter (2015)

  1. Brilliant work again, as usual, my friend. I was chuckling all the way through reading this one. I despised this film, I thought it to be confusing, unmitigated rubbish. Poor Vin Diesel is just gonna have to go back to making more Fast & Furious movies, they’re the only ones he’s any good in, and that’s saying something about Paul Walker.

    Like

    1. Hello Rodney!

      Thanks for the visit and the comment. You are so right about the poor quality of this film! The best and the worst films are the easiest to review and you know how lazy I am, so this offal was a walk in the dark. And be careful you don’t give too much credit to Paul Walker, either. I’ve seen more than one film that he failed to illuminate.

      WTF!? Rodney (Watch The Film)

      Saint Pauly

      Like

    1. Hallo Cold!

      For starters, I’d like to thank you for insulting the review and not the reviewer. Our opinions may very well differ, yet that doesn’t mean we have to make our disagreement personal. Your attitude is much appreciated.

      As for the quality of the review, I’ve oft found that those who agree with me enjoy the review, and those who don’t share my opinion dislike the review. Assuming, then, that you enjoyed the film, all I can say is, to each his own and vive la différence!

      You were right about one thing, though, I truly am a witch! Fortunately, with Vin Diesel hunting me, I clearly have nothing to worry about!

      WTF!? Cold (Watch The Film),

      Saint Pauly

      Like

  2. Great review and spot on! I am somewhat amazed you were able to glean at least some understanding of WTF the film was trying to show. I apparently didn’t receive my copy of “The Witches Handbook” to guide me through all the inexplicable crap that was the main thrust of the movie. I will only give some points for special effects. Acting = 0. Plot = -50. Thanks for the review – helps knowing I was not the only one disappointed.

    Like

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