I shall be tearing apart Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre, catching its lines and dissecting its actors to determine if it’s a good catch or it bites. So read on only if you’ve already seen Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre, or don’t plan to.
Let the massacre commence
Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre is sharxploitation and as such there is great emphasis placed on women (and sharks) in politically incorrect positions. As I’m offering a loyal portrait of the movie, those offended by sexism may wish to read another article — All Cheerleaders Die, for example. I would also like to thank my friend Rodney over at Fernby Films for placing this bomb on my target.
0:00:28 Two knobs with florescent protection vests are supposedly ‘fracking’ a pile of dirt. I knew fracking was bad, I had no idea it was as bad as this.
0:00:29 A camp site welcome centre in a static caravan is actually a State Prison for Women.
Mike the Guard (Serafin Falcon): Come on, ladies. You know the drill.
Shannon Hastings the Prisoner (Amy Holt): Do we ever, screw.
That’s one very important comma.
0:01:18 As a direct result of the very bad fracking, underground rocks detach somewhere to release fresh water sharks with spikes that roar while underwater. Thank you, God, I was afraid this film wouldn’t be truly horrendous.
0:01:48 You thought the special effects were bad, you should see the acting.
0:03:15 A shark attacks the fracking truck stuck in the mud as it takes a short cut to get beer on a break at 11 a.m. This will take a bite out of their schedule.
0:08:44 Detectives Adam Levine (Corey Landis) and Kendra Patterson (Traci Lords) are two random agents who represent some law enforcement agency (think Older and Fugly). Their roles serve absolutely no purpose in this film, yet while they are looking for bank robbers, they find this atrocity. By ‘atrocity’, I mean the special effects.
0:10:43 Role call
You’ve got to be kidding me.
Samantha’s famous last words
Samantha (Tabitha Marie) says out loud what everyone is thinking.
0:19:08 While heading back to the prison, a ginger named Honey (Dominique Swain [who once portrayed Lolita in the 1997 version of the film]) stops the van and rescues Anita (Cindy Lucas), her girlfriend. Birds of a feather…
0:23:48 Because what Women’s Prison film would be complete without a girl fight?
0:25:14 WTF!? Mike the Guard escaped the women and is struggling with blood loss from a wound smaller than my shaving accidents.
0:26:46 Mike is looking for water. Instead of going to the stream, he finds a trapdoor in the marsh and descends into a secret, underground cave? WTF!?
0:33:12 WTF!? Anita is in the safe house Honey rented, and the first thing she does after she escapes prison — where reading is one of the few things she could do — is look for a book? And double WTF!? The book she finds just happens to be a first edition of Tale of Two Cities!? It’s scaring the Dickens out of me.
0:38:32 WTF!? Sarah runs miles away from the water, yet when she’s attacked by the shark, her blood pools in the river. She can’t even bleed correctly.
Detective Kendra Patterson: Give it to me, Chin. What you got?
Detective Adam Levine: ‘Chin’?
Det. Patterson: Obscure reference.
This is a reference to season 5 of The Voice (U.S.) in which winner Tessanne Chin split with her husband amidst rumoured infidelities with her Voice coach, Adam Levine, which is also the character’s name in this film.
[Update! I don’t know if he was kidding or not, but the film’s director, Jim Wynorski, responded to my query on Facebook with a different answer. I’ll let you decide which reference is the correct one!]
Shannon (Amy Rasimas Holt) [holding a pan]: Here you are, Peaches & Beans, my speciality. Breakfast is served.
Michelle (Christine Nguyen): No, thanks. I just got a heaping helping of Carl’s peaches and beans.
WTF!? Michelle was meant to see he didn’t escape while on the toilet, not to see what escaped from him.
0:40:37 Michelle walks onto the porch and discovers Sarah is legless.
Shannon: What happened to her?
Michelle: Yeah, there ain’t no sharks in these woods.
Anita: Not that we know of!
Dialogue like this is the difference between a good bad movie and a bad bad movie
Good actor geologist (Chris De Christopher as Professor Orville): A natural born killing machine both in water…and on land.
Two geologists (one who’s talented and one who’s cute) explain that the fracking opened an underground ocean, releasing a prehistoric shark known as the sharkosaurus
I’m relieved to know there’s science to back up this film.
Cute geologist (Oscar De la Rosa as John Raden): So, what do you do when you’re not fighting prehistoric monsters?
0:47:56 Michelle and the sheriff find a weapons cache hidden in the house. Those are some interesting individuals who stow their valuables in rental property.
0:48:54 WTF!? Shannon begins snogging John after she explains she murdered her abusive, drug-addicted husband. She kills more than the mood.
0:51:05 WTF!? Michelle may want to uncork her gun before she fires it.
0:52:41 The group can’t remain in the house because, according to professor Orville, every year sharks swarm, collecting in the thousands to feed and mate. I suspect the professor received his degree from a thermometer.
0:54:04 To distract the sharks so the group can make a run for the caves, the team assemble a scarecrow lure filled with pillows, oregano and gun powder. The sheriff rubs a syringe filled with Sriracha sauce over his arm and then squirts it on the dummy’s clothes. We’re meant to believe is blood, but not even the sharks in this film are that stupid.
0:54:48 When the sharks approach the bait, Honey shoots the decoy, the gunpowder explodes and the sharks go up in a ball of atrocious CGI.
0:56:18 The older scientist falls and sprains his ankle while running for the safety of the caves, so the cute one sacrifices himself for the older chap. I also suspect the lad wants a way out of his relationship with Shannon, who’s stuck to him like bleach on a lock of hair.
0:57:35 The agents approach the rental van Honey used in the breakout. Detective Adam Levine hasn’t heard of Ma Barker or Bonnie & Clyde. This makes sense. I suspect he wouldn’t know a criminal if one came up and stole his reputation.
0:59:39 The gang descend into the cave, but they’ve already hit depths lower than this in the film.
1:05:27 The comedic duo arrive on the scene.
Detective Kendra Patterson: If I didn’t know any better, I’d think we just had an encounter with a land shark.
Detective Adam Levine: A land shark? You mean from, like, Saturday Night Live?
I actually made this reference myself in my review of Sharknado.
1:14:42 Lol. In order to exit the cave, the group must cross an underground river in an inflatable raft left by miners ages ago. The sheriff, Michelle and Shannon make it across, but Anita brings a machine gun when she and Honey cross. When she opens fire on the sheriff, she falls out of the raft and is eaten by a shark, but not before a stray bullet kills Shannon in the neck. Finally, after a puncture sound, we hear the sharkosaurus have some Honey for dessert.
1:16:28 The sheriff lets Michelle go and says he’ll tell the authorities she was eaten by a shark like the others. The sheriff has a heart of gold…and the brain of a badger.
1:17:06 Detectives Patterson and Levine pull up just at that moment, and continue to add absolutely nothing to the story.
Traci: Do you know what we’re up against?
He’s a man of few words, and everything else.
1:17:21 Honey climbs out of the underground river and utters her catchphrase: ‘Crap on a cracker’. Which is also a review of this film.
- WTF!?’s: 19 vicious ones
- When to Follow: Only in your most drug addled state
- Where’s This Found: It’s a thin line between horror and horrible, and this film takes a dump all over that line. Honestly, if I have to decide between calling this a bad bad film (like Left Behind) or a good bad film (the first Sharknado), then I’d have to say this falls on the side of a good bad movie. It was stupid funny enough for me to laugh without making me angry. Out of a possible 10, I have 6 F’s to give
Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos
Prints suitable for reposting!
WTF!? did they say?
WTF!? do you meme?
What to Follow Up
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