WTF: Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre (2016)

Sharkansas Massacre 27 SC A bad sign (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)

Sharkansas Massacre 01 poster (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be tearing apart Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre, catching its lines and dissecting its actors to determine if it’s a good catch or it bites. So read on only if you’ve already seen Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre, or don’t plan to.

Watch SHARKANSAS WOMEN’S PRISON MASSACRE here

Sharkansas Massacre 02 SC Mssacre Credit (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)

Let the massacre commence

Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre is sharxploitation and as such there is great emphasis placed on women (and sharks) in politically incorrect positions. As I’m offering a loyal portrait of the movie, those offended by sexism may wish to read another article — All Cheerleaders Die, for example. I would also like to thank my friend Rodney over at Fernby Films for placing this bomb on my target.

0:00:28 Two knobs with florescent protection vests are supposedly ‘fracking’ a pile of dirt. I knew fracking was bad, I had no idea it was as bad as this.

0:00:29 A camp site welcome centre in a static caravan is actually a State Prison for Women.

Sharkansas Massacre 03 SC Prison Camp (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
A prison where a cave tour with a 13-year-old is 8 dollars?

0:00:38

Mike the Guard (Serafin Falcon): Come on, ladies. You know the drill.

Shannon Hastings the Prisoner (Amy Holt): Do we ever, screw.

That’s one very important comma.

0:01:18 As a direct result of the very bad fracking, underground rocks detach somewhere to release fresh water sharks with spikes that roar while underwater. Thank you, God, I was afraid this film wouldn’t be truly horrendous.

Sharkansas Massacre 04 GIF These sharks are horny (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
These sharks are horny

0:01:48 You thought the special effects were bad, you should see the acting.

0:03:15 A shark attacks the fracking truck stuck in the mud as it takes a short cut to get beer on a break at 11 a.m. This will take a bite out of their schedule.

Sharkansas Massacre 05 GIF Why sharks are in the driver's seat (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Sharks are in the driver’s seat

0:08:44 Detectives Adam Levine (Corey Landis) and Kendra Patterson (Traci Lords) are two random agents who represent some law enforcement agency (think Older and Fugly). Their roles serve absolutely no purpose in this film, yet while they are looking for bank robbers, they find this atrocity. By ‘atrocity’, I mean the special effects.

Sharkansas Massacre 06 SC Body Parts (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Q: What do you call roles for human limbs? A: Body parts.

0:10:43 Role call

0:12:43

Sharkansas Massacre 07 Collage Women with drinking problems (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Drinking problems in prison

0:14:46

You’ve got to be kidding me.

Samantha’s famous last words

Samantha (Tabitha Marie) says out loud what everyone is thinking.

Sharkansas Massacre 08 GIF When a shark pulls your leg (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
When a shark pulls your leg

0:19:08 While heading back to the prison, a ginger named Honey (Dominique Swain [who once portrayed Lolita in the 1997 version of the film]) stops the van and rescues Anita (Cindy Lucas), her girlfriend. Birds of a feather…

0:23:48 Because what Women’s Prison film would be complete without a girl fight?

Sharkansas Massacre 28 GIF Fighting to make the movie (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Fighting to make the movie

0:24:42

Sharkansas Massacre 10 SC Fog (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
I love how they couldn’t afford to buy fog for the whole forest

0:25:14 WTF!? Mike the Guard escaped the women and is struggling with blood loss from a wound smaller than my shaving accidents.

0:26:46 Mike is looking for water. Instead of going to the stream, he finds a trapdoor in the marsh and descends into a secret, underground cave? WTF!?

0:27:28

Sharkansas Massacre 11 GIF This drink has a little bite (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
This drink has a little bite

0:33:12 WTF!? Anita is in the safe house Honey rented, and the first thing she does after she escapes prison — where reading is one of the few things she could do — is look for a book? And double WTF!? The book she finds just happens to be a first edition of Tale of Two Cities!? It’s scaring the Dickens out of me.

0:34:53 Keeping abreast or two of the situation (NSFW GIF)

0:38:11

Sharkansas Massacre 13 GIF Sharks get their fins dirty (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Sharks don’t mind getting their fins dirty

0:38:32 WTF!? Sarah runs miles away from the water, yet when she’s attacked by the shark, her blood pools in the river. She can’t even bleed correctly.

0:38:51

Detective Kendra Patterson: Give it to me, Chin. What you got?

Detective Adam Levine: ‘Chin’?

Det. Patterson: Obscure reference.

This is a reference to season 5 of The Voice (U.S.) in which winner Tessanne Chin split with her husband amidst rumoured infidelities with her Voice coach, Adam Levine, which is also the character’s name in this film.

[Update! I don’t know if he was kidding or not, but the film’s director, Jim Wynorski, responded to my query on Facebook with a different answer. I’ll let you decide which reference is the correct one!]

Sharkansas Massacre 32 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)

0:39:58

Shannon (Amy Rasimas Holt[holding a pan]: Here you are, Peaches & Beans, my speciality. Breakfast is served.

Michelle (Christine Nguyen): No, thanks. I just got a heaping helping of Carl’s peaches and beans.

WTF!? Michelle was meant to see he didn’t escape while on the toilet, not to see what escaped from him.

Sharkansas Massacre 15 Collage Peaches & Beans (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Sweet & Sour Puss

0:40:37 Michelle walks onto the porch and discovers Sarah is legless.

Sharkansas Massacre 16 SC Break a leg (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Break a leg!

0:41:41

Shannon: What happened to her?

Michelle: Yeah, there ain’t no sharks in these woods.

Anita: Not that we know of!

Dialogue like this is the difference between a good bad movie and a bad bad movie

Sharkansas Massacre 17 SC Danger is afoot (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Danger is afoot

0:43:41

Good actor geologist (Chris De Christopher as Professor Orville): A natural born killing machine both in water…and on land.

Two geologists (one who’s talented and one who’s cute) explain that the fracking opened an underground ocean, releasing a prehistoric shark known as the sharkosaurus

I’m relieved to know there’s science to back up this film.

0:44:49 Apparently shark’s blood isn’t the only thing that’s cold. (NSFW)

0:45:46

Sharkansas Massacre 19 SC Screen Capped (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Screen capped

0:46:35

Cute geologist (Oscar De la Rosa as John Raden): So, what do you do when you’re not fighting prehistoric monsters?

Shannon: 5-10.

0:47:56 Michelle and the sheriff find a weapons cache hidden in the house. Those are some interesting individuals who stow their valuables in rental property.

0:48:54 WTF!? Shannon begins snogging John after she explains she murdered her abusive, drug-addicted husband. She kills more than the mood.

0:50:33

Sharkansas Massacre 20 SC Ensemble shoot (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Ensemble shoot

0:51:05 WTF!? Michelle may want to uncork her gun before she fires it.

Sharkansas Massacre 21 SC Dense bullet (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Denser than a speeding bullet

0:52:41 The group can’t remain in the house because, according to professor Orville, every year sharks swarm, collecting in the thousands to feed and mate. I suspect the professor received his degree from a thermometer.

0:54:04 To distract the sharks so the group can make a run for the caves, the team assemble a scarecrow lure filled with pillows, oregano and gun powder. The sheriff rubs a syringe filled with Sriracha sauce over his arm and then squirts it on the dummy’s clothes. We’re meant to believe is blood, but not even the sharks in this film are that stupid.

Sharkansas Massacre 22 SC Stuffed (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
“I can’t eat a thing, I’m stuffed.”

0:54:48 When the sharks approach the bait, Honey shoots the decoy, the gunpowder explodes and the sharks go up in a ball of atrocious CGI.

0:56:18 The older scientist falls and sprains his ankle while running for the safety of the caves, so the cute one sacrifices himself for the older chap. I also suspect the lad wants a way out of his relationship with Shannon, who’s stuck to him like bleach on a lock of hair.

Sharkansas Massacre 23 GIF Give a flying WTF (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Give a flying WTF

0:57:35 The agents approach the rental van Honey used in the breakout. Detective Adam Levine hasn’t heard of Ma Barker or Bonnie & Clyde. This makes sense. I suspect he wouldn’t know a criminal if one came up and stole his reputation.

0:59:39 The gang descend into the cave, but they’ve already hit depths lower than this in the film.

Sharkansas Massacre 24 SC The cave is rock hard WTF (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
The cave is rock hard

1:05:27 The comedic duo arrive on the scene.

Detective Kendra Patterson: If I didn’t know any better, I’d think we just had an encounter with a land shark.

Detective Adam Levine: A land shark? You mean from, like, Saturday Night Live?

I actually made this reference myself in my review of Sharknado.

Sharknado 20 (WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly)
The Original Land Shark on Saturday Night Live

1:07:15

Sharkansas Massacre 25 SC That bites (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
That bites

1:14:42 Lol. In order to exit the cave, the group must cross an underground river in an inflatable raft left by miners ages ago. The sheriff, Michelle and Shannon make it across, but Anita brings a machine gun when she and Honey cross. When she opens fire on the sheriff, she falls out of the raft and is eaten by a shark, but not before a stray bullet kills Shannon in the neck. Finally, after a puncture sound, we hear the sharkosaurus have some Honey for dessert.

1:16:28 The sheriff lets Michelle go and says he’ll tell the authorities she was eaten by a shark like the others. The sheriff has a heart of gold…and the brain of a badger.

Sharkansas Massacre 26 SC An argument for gun control (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
An argument for gun control

1:17:06 Detectives Patterson and Levine pull up just at that moment, and continue to add absolutely nothing to the story.

Traci: Do you know what we’re up against?

Sheriff: Yep.

He’s a man of few words, and everything else.

1:17:16

Sharkansas Massacre 27 SC A bad sign (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
A bad sign

1:17:21 Honey climbs out of the underground river and utters her catchphrase: ‘Crap on a cracker’. Which is also a review of this film.

Roll credits

Tally Ho’

  • WTF!?’s: 19 vicious ones
  • When to Follow: Only in your most drug addled state
  • Where’s This Found: It’s a thin line between horror and horrible, and this film takes a dump all over that line. Honestly, if I have to decide between calling this a bad bad film (like Left Behind) or a good bad film (the first Sharknado), then I’d have to say this falls on the side of a good bad movie. It was stupid funny enough for me to laugh without making me angry. Out of a possible 10, I have 6 F’s to give

6 F's 139pt

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

Sharkansas Massacre 06 SC Standard issues prison uniform (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Standard issues prison uniform

 

Sharkansas Massacre 30 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Dirty movie

Prints suitable for reposting!

WTF!? did they say?

Sharkansas Massacre 29 WTFdts 5-10 (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)

WTF!? do you meme?

Sharkansas Massacre 31 meme sharks are afoot (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)

What to Follow Up

Mockbuster Collage (WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly)
Click on the poster for all of the Mock-busters!

 

WTF!? review of another, better Traci Lords film

 

A WTF!? review of another, smarter good bad film

 

Oh, Al! Bar None review of Godzilla

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4 thoughts on “WTF: Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre (2016)

  1. LOL! This looks so awful. And not in a good way, either.

    I’m glad I could draw your attention to this vastly undersea-n film (see what I did there?) and that this review is probably the best thing to come out of the film aside from the film itself. Frankly, I’m inclined to think I’ll skip the film and just re-read your review any time I ever think of watching it. 😉

    Like

  2. Thanks for the review. I saw it before I read your review because I thought it had an intriguing premise. Honestly it wasn’t that bad. Sure the plot desire credulity but it’s pretty funny still in a cheesy kinda way but I enjoyed it. It’s no masterpiece but it wasn’t intended to be and given its small budget it’s actually not bad and entertaining. It’s one of those it’s so bad it’s good kinda movie.

    Like

    1. Hallo Christian!

      I’m so glad you enjoyed both the 🎥 and the review. I agree with you; films should be judged on how well they accomplish what they set out to do, and this one set out to be a ridiculously enjoyable B-movie and it was just that!

      Please feel free to visit again soon!

      WTF!? Christian (Watch The Film),

      Saint Pauly

      Like

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