0:00:20 Bloody brilliant beginning. The opening credits are a frozen 3D moment of frenzy from a scene which will soon be seen. Instead of the traditional listing of cast and crew, we get sacrasctic cards poking fun at the film itself – all of this to the tune of Juice Newton singing ‘Angel of the Morning’. The moment I saw this originality, humour and action in the first half minute of the movie, I knew I was going to get this film tattooed on my memory’s arse.
- Some douchebag’s film – Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation (?)
- God’s Perfect Idiot – Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool
- A Hot Chick – Morena Baccarin as Vanessa
- A British Villain – Ed Skrein as Ajax
- The Comic Relief – T.J. Miller as Weasel
- A Moody Teen – Brianna Hildebrand as Negasonic Teenage Warhead
- A CGI Character – Stefan Kapicic as Colossus
- A Gratuitous Cameo – Stan Lee as Strip Club DJ
- Produced by Asshats – Simon Kinberg, Ryan Reynolds, Lauren Shuler Donner
- Written by The Real Heroes Here – Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick
- Directed by an Overpaid Tool – Tim Miller
[N.B. Easter egg: ‘Rob L.’ on the coffee cup is the first of many nods to Rob Liefeld, co-creator of Deadpool.]
0:02:26 A bored Deadpool (Ryan Reynolds) rides in the back of a taxi, reading brochures about haunted Segway tours on his way to the battle foreshadowed by the opening credits. He finds a piece of used gum and, in flicking it off his fingers, lands it on the camera. This is the first indication that the character will break the fourth wall and basically sit in our laps, talk to us, and whisper jokes in our ears over the course of the film. Like a man with a micro penis having sex, I’m all in.
Deadpool: I’ve been waiting 1 year, 3 weeks, 6 days, and…14 minutes to make him fix what he did to me.
Dopinder [the taxi driver, Karan Soni]: And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool?
Deadpool: This shit.
Deadpool [leaving the cab]: Merry Christmas!
Dopinder: And a convivial Tuesday in April to you, too, Pool!
Is it just me, or is Dopinder entirely too happy saying goodbye to a bloke who stiffed him on the fare?
0:06:24 Music for sitting on the edge of a bridge and waiting for your nemesis is ‘Shoop’ by Salt-N-Pepa. [There’s a link to the soundtrack at the end of this synopsis.]
Deadpool [directly to the camera]: Oh, hello. I know, right!? My very own movie. Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie? I can’t tell you, but it does rhyme with ‘polverine’.
For those of you who don’t recognize this reference, it’s to X-Man Wolverine. And if you don’t recognize that, this may not be the best film choice for you.
[N.B. A silly version of Deadpool first appeared in the abortion film X-Men Origins: Wolverine, establishing the link between the two characters.]
0:08:54 In a brilliant chase (that includes the scene in the opening credits), Deadpool eliminates much of the competition.
0:09:22 Meanwhile, at the X-Men house, (Stefan Kapicic’s voice as) Colossus hears about the destruction on the telly, so he calls on Negasonic Teenage Warhead (Brianna Hildebrand) to help calm Deadpool’s waters and stop him making waves.
Colossus: When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming X-Man?
Negasonic: Which benefits? The matching unitards? The house that blows up every few years?
0:10:47 After the cars crash to a stop, Ajax’s henchmen have Deadpool pinned down in his vehicle.
Deadpool: Wait! You may be wondering, ‘Why the red suit?’ Well, that’s so bad guys can’t see me bleed. This guy’s got the right idea [gesturing to a henchman]. He wore the brown pants.
Pool then proceeds to eliminate the bad guys he takes out, counting each bullet as he does, because he only has 12 rounds and forgot his ammo bag.
0:11:21 Ajax shoots Deadpool’s arm.
0:13:12 Great action scene because it’s long, original, funny, and it’s filmed so you can see everything, not like many action films where the action is blurry to hide bad film making. On the other hand, it’s not without its WTF!? For example, if there are 10+ bad guys: why do they wait for him to kill one of them before trying to kill him back? I’ve heard of taking turns, but this is taking a turn for the worse.
0:16:20 In a 2-year flashback, a pre-Deadpool Wade Wilson hijacks a loser’s flat to order pizza and threaten the delivery boy who is stalking Wade’s client (Taylor Hickson as Meghan Orlovsky). Wade Wilson is a ‘bad guy who gets paid to fuck up worse guys.’
Deadpool introduces us to Sister Margaret’s.
It’s like a job fair for mercenaries.
A nice place for people to take their shot.
[Easter Egg: As Deadpool enters Sister Margaret’s, he greets “Buck, Liefeld,” in passing. Rob Liefeld (the coffee cup bloke from the opening credits), is Deadpool’s co-creator.]
0:18:41 Weasel gives Wade a blow job.
Kahlua, Bailey’s and whipped cream. I give you a ‘blow job’.
Yeah, other than the cream, I still don’t see how those ingredients equate with oral sex.
0:18:50 Wade hands the drink to barmaid Kelly and tells her to give it to Buck and say that it’s from Boothe. This will start a fight in which Buck destroys Boothe…and is Wade’s way to try and win a fast buck.
[N.B. Easter egg: Deadpool yells the barmaid’s name three times – Kelly! Kelly! Kelly! – in tribute to Joe Kelly, formative Deadpool writer in the 90’s.]
Weasel: Yeah, he’s still breathing. Nobody wins today. Nice try, Wade.
Wade: You got me. I picked Boothe in the dead pool.
The origin of Deadpool’s name comes from a chalkboard over the bar where people bet in a pool on the celebrity they think will next be dead. Wade bet on Boothe, so if Boothe had cashed out, Wade would’ve cashed in.
Here’s the list, for those of you who are curious:
- Bill Cosby
- Charlie Sheen
- Kanye West
- Wade Wilson (i.e. Deadpool)
- Vladimir Putin
- J. Boothe (man in the bar)
- Ryan Reynolds
- T.J. Miller
- Lindsay Lohan
- Miley Cyrus
- Kid Rock
- Mike Tyson
- Judd Nelson
- Lil Wayne
- Shia LaBeouf
- Ned Beatty
- Rob Liefeld
- Ozzy Osbourne
- Amanda Bynes
- Arnold Palmer
0:20:22 Seeing Wade has a wad of cash, Vanessa, a prostitute played by Morena Baccarin, introduces herself. After a night of skee-ball and putting other balls in other holes, they fall in a love as deep as Socrates at the bottom of the ocean.
[N.B. Lifted straight from the pages of the Deadpool comics, Vanessa Carlysle is mutant shape-shifter Copycat.]
0:23:29 To the tune of ‘Calendar Girl’, by Neil Sedaka…
0:25:18 Wade and Vanessa become engaged.
0:26:38 Wade promotes my site while passing out!
Life is an endless series of train-wrecks with only brief, commercial-like breaks of happiness.
Wade is diagnosed with late-stage cancer, and that’s one stage he’ll have to exit.
0:28:09 The flashback ends and we return to the present, on the motorway amidst the chaos.
Now, if I were a 200-pound sack of assholes named ‘Francis’, where would I hide.
I love films that beat me to the punch line.
0:29:23 Wade gives Francis (AKA Ajax) a mighty beat-down before exposing himself to his nemesis.
028:46 Lining up his shot
I’m about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s.
0:30:02 Before Deadpool can finish off Francis, he’s interrupted by Colossus, who knocks him back into a flashback.
Deadpool: [to the image of him flying back] I think we can all agree that shit just went sideways in the most colossal way. [Image of the figurine in the exact same position] Well, maybe not the most colossal.
[N.B. In a brilliant transition, we see Deadpool flying sideways and then, in the flashback, a figurine of Deadpool version Origins: Wolverine. The voice over implies that when Colossus knocks him for a loop things are going sideways, but his portrayal in X-Men Origins: Wolverine was far worse.]
0:30:54 Wade explains his departure to Vanessa.
0:34:26 A mysterious man in a suit (Jed Rees as Recruiter) meets with Wade in Sister Margaret’s and offers to cure his cancer by making him a superhero. Wade drops him like kryptonite.
[N.B. Wade refers to the Recruiter in the film both as ‘Agent Smith‘ (after The Matrix character) and Jared, after Jared Fogle, an American advert celebrity who was jailed for child porn (Wade makes several references to the Recruiter being a paedophile).]
0:38:32 Back to the present and the fight scene on the bridge. While Deadpool has Ajax pinned to a concrete block with a sabre, Colossus and Negasonic Teenage Warhead try to convince Deadpool to become an X-Man.
The day I decide to become a crime-fighting, shit-swizzler who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland mansion of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven’s Gate-looking motherfucker… On that day, I’ll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request.
[N.B. Here Deadpool references Neverland mansion, Michael Jackson’s manor where he invited children over to get drunk and sexually abused, as well as Marshall Applewhite, the head of a suicide cult called Haven’s Gate (who looks vaguely like Professor X, head of the X-Men).]
0:39:06 During Deadpool’s rant Ajax makes a clean getaway.
0:39:28 Deadpool breaks both of his wrists and one leg while fighting Colossus.
Colossus: Let us go talk to the professor.
Deadpool: McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines are so confusing.
[N.B. Pool is referring to James McAvoy and Patrick Stewart who have both played Professor Charles Francis ‘X’ Xavier in different X-Men films. McAvoy’s Professor X came after Stewart’s chronologically but was the younger version of the man, hence Deadpool’s remark about the ‘confusing timeline’.]
0:40:38 Deadpool’s escape plan.
Have you seen 127 Hours? Spoiler alert. … Are you there, God? It’s me Margaret.
[N.B. 127 Hours is a film in which a man must cut off his own arm to survive being trapped in a ravine, and Are you there God… is a book about a girl who has her first period, which Deadpool references because of all the blood coming from his severed wrist.]
0:41:24 Flashback to when Wade gives in and decides to go to the clinic the Recruiter mentioned at 34:26. #HealthCareless
Please don’t make the super-suit green. Or animated.
A reference to actor Ryan Reynolds’ disastrous turn as the Green Lantern, where his CGI suit was widely criticized, along with everything else in the film.
[N.B. The Internet seems to think this is the mutant Marrow, and who am I to disagree with the world-wide web?]
0:43:11 Ajax arrives as the doctor about to do the procedure, and his bedside manners are as cold as his hands.
Ajax: I’m injecting you with a serum that activates any mutant genes lurking in your DNA. For it to work, we need to subject you to extreme tests.
I’m having flashbacks to finals in uni.
[N.B. Easter Egg: The blood in the vial is Wolverine’s, which is part of the link between the characters and also from whence Deadpool receives his regenerative qualities.]
0:43:57 Ajax explains to Wade that everyone reacts differently to the serum. Angel Dust (Gina Carano as Ajax’s hefty brunette assistant) was given extra human strength. Ajax himself has enhanced reflexes and no longer feels pain…or anything else. Those who feel no pain are sure to be one.
0:45:12 So that the adrenaline will act as a catalyst and activate the mutant genes, Wade is subjected to a torture montage with ‘Mister Sandman’ as the soundtrack.
0:45:56 Wade discusses his ‘Fuck-it list’ with another patient.
Wade: Giving Meredith Baxter-Birney a Dutch oven.
Patient (Hugh Scott as David Cunningham): No. Receiving a Dutch oven from Meredith Baxter-Birney.
According to the Urban Dictionary, a Dutch oven is a ‘sex’ act involving trapping your partner’s face under a blanket and then passing wind in that headspace.
[N.B. Easter egg: ‘David Cunningham’ is, in fact, Worm, a mutant Deadpool befriended in Dr. Killebrew’s laboratory where Francis / Ajax served as enforcer.]
0:47:11 Wade learns (from a dry cleaning ticket) that Ajax’s real name is Francis. Francis is not all all pleased. But at least his clothes are pressed.
Francis: Why don’t you do us all a favor and shut the fuck up, or I’ll sew your pretty mouth shut.
[N.B. This Easter egg is a another reference to Deadpool’s appearance in X-Men Origins: Wolverine, where Deadpool was portrayed with his mouth sealed shut.]
0:50:24 During oxygen deprivation torture, Wade’s mutation kicks in and his skin necrotizes, making him look like bowl of pink, cancer-free oatmeal. ‘Cancer-free’ because now his body has super self-healing power.
0:52:52 When Wade head butted Angel earlier, he took her match without her realizing it. Later, he used the match to ignite the oxygen chamber they are torturing him in. The resulting explosion burns Francis up.
0:54:50 Wade stays in the lab so he can get his arse kicked.
[N.B. Far be it from me to point out that one can see more than just Reynold’s asset in this screenshot. #dickpick]
0:56:30 The building is destroyed but Wade learns he can’t be.
0:59:18 Wade returns to Sister Margaret’s to brainstorm a plan with Weasel. Wade wants to find Francis, so Francis can give Wade his face back, so Wade can get his Vanessa back.
0:59:42 Wade realises he needs to wear a suit and mask to hide from Francis, who thinks Wade is dead, so that he can track Francis down in secrecy. During their quest for alter egos…
Weasel: Oh, shit.
Weasel: I put all my money on you and now I just realised I’m never gonna win the…
Wade: Dead pool.
1:00:11 Deadpool goes through a series of Ajax’s henchmen to work his way up to his nemesis, with the Deadpool rap in the background.
1:03:28 Deadpool finds the mysterious recruiter who introduced Deadpool to the Mutant Factory. He gives up Francis’s location, but not before an act to his ‘little piggy’ that is heard but not seen.
1:03:50 This brings us up to speed in fast forward – with a little detour.
1:04:44 Deadpool introduces us to Blind Al (Leslie Uggams), the elderly blind woman from the laundrette who told him wearing red would hide his blood stains. They live in sin, together, just not the same sins.
Deadpool: She’s like Robin to my Batman except she’s old, and black, and blind. And I think she’s in love with me. Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too.
1:07:08 Francis returns to the mutant factory, where Angel Dust is prepping new mutants for shipment like mail-order vigilantes.
1:08:26 Wade’s severed hand is regenerating which is amusing, because you know what they say about men with small hands. #SmallGloves
Wade [explaining to Al the importance of physical looks in life]: You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on his superior acting method!?
1:11:05 Weasel lets Wade know that Ajax and Angel are on their way to torture Vanessa, who works in a strip club. The two men get there first to head off the enemies.
1:11:15 Stan Lee’s cameo is he’s a DJ in the club, which means he’s an ‘X’ man.
1:13:51 Because Wade cares more about his looks than Vanessa’s safety, he hides in the toilets long enough for Ajax and Angel to kidnap her. WTF!?
1:15:32 While amassing guns and ammo for the confrontation with Ajax, Deadpool throws in a copy of the People magazine with Hugh Jackman as the ‘sexiest man alive’. This is a nice bookend to the Ryan Reynolds issue shown in the opening credits. Wolverine and Deadpool have so much in common.
1:15:41 Wade to Blind Al who is bringing him a machine gun, barrel first:
Careful with that Ronnie Milsap. We’re down range.
For the curious cats, Ronnie Milsap is a blind American country music artist. Because, Al is as blind as love, remember?
[N.B. The climactic battle takes place on a craft designed to resemble a downed Shield Helicarrier.]
1:17:48 Wade goes to recruit Colossus and Negasonic Teenage Warhead to help him get Vanessa back.
Deadpool [to Negasonic, about the X-Men residence]: It’s a big house. It’s funny that I only ever see two of you. It’s almost like the studio couldn’t afford another X-Man.
Dopinder: Knock ‘em dead, Pool boy!
Deadpool: Time to make the chimi-fuckin’-changas.
So much better than doughnuts.
1:20:31 The song playing while Deadpool, Negasonic and Colossus make their grand entrance is ‘X Gon’ Give It To Ya’ by DMX.
Ajax: Wade Wilson, what’s my name?
Because throughout the entire film, Deadpool refuses to call him Ajax. What’s in a name? A lot, if you’re called ‘Francis’.
Deadpool [talking about Angel arriving from atop the helicarrier]: Super hero landing! Wait for it. Whoo! Super hero landing! You know, that’s really hard on your knees. Totally impractical. They all do it.
[N.B. Easter egg: Deadpool realises one of the people he’s fighting against is his friend Hydra Bob (kind of), from special forces. Instead of killing him, he gives him a
break concussion. Another Easter egg inside the Easter egg (wait, that’s like 16 Easter eggs 😉 ) is that Deadpool refers to Bob’s wife Alison as ‘Gail’ in a shout out to Gail Simone, regarded as one of the best Deadpool writers.]
1:27:10 Wade arrives on top of the warship to confront Francis, while Vanessa is trapped in the oxygen tank torture device used on Wade earlier in the film. They share everything, those two.
1:28:54 Wade and Ajax are disarmed.
Ajax: Fine. Fists.
Deadpool: Sounds like your last Saturday night.
1:29:40 Vanessa escapes the oxygen chamber and, by running Ajax through with a sabre, saves Deadpool from getting his ass and all the rest of him kicked.
1:30:12 Wade has hallucinations while recovering from the knife wound. Like the blade, it’s all in his head.
[N.B. The song playing is ‘You’re the Inspiration’, by Chicago. Easter egg: The cartoon characters are a reference to writer Daniel Way’s habit of adding them to Deadpool’s comics, sometimes referred to as Pool-o-Vision.]
1:30:57 The tide of the battle turns when Deadpool removes the knife from his skull and Negasonic explodes Angel to save Colossus. Maybe now Angel will become one. 👼
1:32:16 Negasonic’s explosion also knocks the warship off its supports and the entire construction falls to the ground like Dolly Parton’s boobs after 40.
1:34:47 Wade learns that Francis can’t fix the damage that was done to his face, so he cocks the .45 he took from Blind Al and places it against Francis’s forehead.
Colossus: Wade! Four or five moments. … Four or five moments, that all it takes.
Colossus: Be a hero. Everyone thinks is a full-time job. Wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero, go to work a hero. Not true. Over a lifetime there are only four or five moments that really matter. Moments when you’re offered a choice. To make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend… spare an enemy. In these moments, everything else falls away. The way the world sees us. The way we–
[Wade pulls the trigger. Colossus vomits.]
This scene was critical to my appreciation of the film. Had Wade changed his mind and decided to ‘become a hero’, it would’ve gone against everything the film stands for and there’s no turning back from that kind of betrayal. This ending was loyal to the spirit of the film and the character, and that kind of loyalty deserved to be recognised.
Baby, the guy under this mask, he ain’t the same one you remember.
Vanessa: After a brief adjustment period and a bunch of drinks, it’s a face I’d be happy to sit on.
Wade: [to Colossus] Tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn. And you [to Negasonic], chicken noodle, nothing compares to you. Sinead O’Connor 1990. Sorry.
Reference to a beautiful cover of a Prince song, and a mutant.
1:40:25 Kissing and credits to Wham!’s ‘Careless Whipser’ and Shoop song.
1:47:00 End credit scene lifted from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
Oh, but I can tell you one thing and it’s a bit of a secret. For the sequel, we’re gonna have Cable. Amazing character. Bionic arm…time travel. We have no idea who we’re going to cast yet, but it could be anybody. Just need a big guy with a flat top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren, Keira Knightley. She’s got range. Who knows? Anyway, big secret. Shh…
- WTF!?’s: 4 shallow ones
- When to Follow: Anytime, even when you have a rule to only watch one superhero film per year.
- Where’s This Found: I’m going to take a lot of shite for this, but this is a better film than either Captain America: Civil War (or Winter Soldier, for that matter) or Batman vs. Superman. In fact, this is my 2nd favourite superhero film of all time, right after The Dark Knight and right before Kick Ass (which resembles Deadpool stylistically). The mix of action, humour, story-telling, acting, directing hits harder than Colossus and looks better than a superhero landing. Out of a possible 10, I have 9 F’s to give.
- What To Feedback: What are your top 3 superhero films? Let me know in the comments. Oh, and also:
[N.B. I used the very informative Den of Geek article as a research tool for this synopsis]
Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos
Before I get on with the funny, I’ll point out some of the Easter eggs in the road signs visible during the chase scene:
Left over GIFs
Left over photos
Prints suitable for reposting!
WTF!? did they say?
WTF!? do you meme?
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