I shall be investigating the Gods of Egypt, testing its convictions and examining its idols to decide if it’s the answer to our prayers or holy shit. So read on only if you’ve already seen Gods of Egypt, or don’t plan to.
0:01:22 In ancient Egypt, the Gods decide to live with mortals, because who doesn’t want to live amongst the people that worship you (just ask Justin Bieber)? The Gods are taller than humans, and have gold for blood (from whence the expression ‘gold vein’).
0:01:35 Egypt is ruled by two brother gods
- Osiris (which apparently is not an old person’s bone disease) is ruler of the rich land of the Nile
- Set (his middle name, as the rest of his name is ‘Ready Go’) ruler of the desert and then comes…
- Horus, Osiris’s son and new king of the good part, making him the Land Lord
0:02:41 Interesting choice… They have a boy (Brenton Thwaites as Bek) playing a girl playing a boy as the lead.
0:03:19 Ooh, sorry. When I said ‘playing’ a boy, I hope I didn’t mistakenly give you the impression that he can act. Fortunately, the script is so poor it distracts us from Brenton’s lack of talent.
0:03:46 Oh dear, in another unfortunate casting choice, Courtney Eaton’s cleavage is portraying Zaya. Tragically, her performance is not as deep.
0:04:36 Horus (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) wakes up with a hangover on the day of his coronation. I suppose English royalty is based on him.
0:10:34 Lol! Gerard Butler appears at the coronation as Set. I shouldn’t be surprised, he never misses an opportunity to act badly.
0:13:27 Set kills Osiris so that he can be King, taking sibling rivalry to whole new levels.
0:15:01 After Osiris dies, Set and Horus fight like a toilet spray and a bad odour.
0:15:43 The gods turn into animals and my opinion of this film remains unchanged. At the very least they owed us good CGI, and this looks like it was done on a BlackBerry.
0:17:18 Lol, Set takes out Horus’s eyes to take away his perfect vision. Horus didn’t see that coming.
0:17:48 Hathor pleads with Set not to kill Horus. Set leers at her as though he were Gerard Butler.
Set [after returning from a campaign and sexing Hathor]: I think you missed me.
Hathor: I have to miss you, I’m your prisoner, after all.
She, in fact, became the queen of Egypt when Set spared Horus’s life. I once had a lovely weekend with a queen of Egypt…
0:22:40 With the help of his architect Urshu (Rufus Sewell), Set is building a large, black obelisk to honour Ra, his father. This is meant to be Set’s legacy. I should think the reason Urshu chose black for the colour is obvious. #big
0:25:06 Bek is surreptitiously entering Set’s treasure room to steal Horus’s eyes so that he can return them to the exiled god, who will then recover the throne from the evil Set. Until then, Horus doesn’t see what I mean.
0:25:11 Lol, this is the map which explains how to avoid the traps triggered by shadows leading to the treasures. Has lots of stupid bird icons, looks legit.
0:27:47 Bek falls into the scorpion pit after retrieving one of the eyes, but fortunately scorpions react to the eye like I do to a Nicolas Cage film.
0:29:58 Urshu discovers the theft of the map to the treasure room, so sets a trap for Bek when he comes to meet Zaya at Urshu’s house. As they escape using Horus’s eye, Urshu shoots an arrow across the city and kills Zaya. He’s a far better archer than he is an architect.
Zaya [while dying]: I’ll love you forever.
Which for her won’t be long enough to boil an egg.
0:33:54 Horus calls forth Anubis, the God Dog of the dead, to escort Zaya through the afterlife. In exchange for this, Bek must give Horus back his eye. I fail to see how Bek would approve of this deal, unless he’s blinder than Horus.
Horus: No one may leave the afterlife once entered, but the journey through the nine gates will take several days to complete. And only a king can make Anubis turn back. If I kill Set and take back the crown before your beloved reaches the final gate, I might be able to save her.
Horus spells out the story of the rest of the film. It’s idiot-proof, but Bek may still get it anyway.
0:40:11 Horus and Bek climb atop some sort of mountain so that Horus might address his grandfather, the sun god Ra. He’s so hot.
0:41:09 WTF!? The sun god lives on a spaceship orbiting the earth?
0:43:52 Ra (Geoffrey Rush, trying not to look ridiculous and failing miserably) fights a cloud and wins by breaking the wind.
0:47:30 The special effects are a joke, literally. I cannot stop laughing
0:47:46 WTF!? Set battles his way into his ex-wife’s castle (Emma Booth as Nephthys) to defeat her kingdom. Either her guards are gods, or humans have suddenly become very tall with golden blood. Guard damnit!
0:49:27 When she attempts to fly away and escape, he cuts off her wing (perhaps because she’s a chick and he wants some dinner).
0:57:08 Hathor escapes Set by removing her bracelet and getting sucked into the Land of the Dead. Once there, she replaces the bracelet and returns to the Land of the Living. As she’s a part of this film, though, part of her will always be in the Land of the Dead.
1:01:54 The two snake women ride their snakes after Bek and Horus. It’s in the desert, so we can refer to this scene as ‘hot pursuit’.
1:05:35 Hathor and Horus eliminate the snakes and their masters. Like braided tails, that’s two loose ends which were tied up nicely.
1:09:01 After Horus and Hathor quibble about her sexing the god who ripped out his eyes, Hathor understands she cannot charm Bek into doing her bidding because he’s in love with Zaya. This is scene is bad enough to make me miss the special effects.
1:11:08 The trio meet Thoth (Chadwick Boseman), God of Wisdom, whom they need to answer the Sphinx’s riddle when Bek steals Horus’s second eye. Because he trusts no one, Thoth employs only clones. If you want something done right, do it yourselves.
1:17:26 Hathor uses her bracket to let Bek talk to Zaya in the Land of the Dead. Bek is now a necrophiliac and Zaya is frigid.
1:20:34 Inside a pyramid, Thoth confronts the Sphinx, who poses a riddle:
I never was, am always to be. No one ever saw me, nor ever will, and yet I have the confidence of all who live and breathe. What am I?
The answer is, a good Nicolas Cage film. (Not really, it’s ‘tomorrow’.)
1:22:37 Lol. Set ambushes the group and uses the opportunity to pull Thoth’s crystal mind out of his skull, or pick his brain.
1:23:38 Instead of pouring the magic juice retrieved from Ra’s spaceship into the fiery hole that would kill the desert and remove Set’s power, Bek lets himself be distracted so Set can take the juice and pour it on the ground. Then Set brings the house down, and the house is the pyramid.
1:27:22 After Bek, Horus and Hathor escape, Hathor makes a deal with Anubis in which she agrees to relinquish her bracelet to Bek, who will deliver it to Zaya so that she might have enough cash for a ticket to heaven. In doing so, however, Hathor sacrifices herself, for she needs the bracelet to stay out of the Land of the Dead. Despite Horus’s protests, Hathor’s dying to help Bek.
1:28:24 In the afterlife, Zaya enters the Hall of Two Truths. For example, (1) this film has shite actors and (2) a worse script.
1:30:38 Set builds a god suit which includes the wings of Nephthys for protection, the brain of Thoth for intelligence, the heart of Osiris for dominion over all lands, and the eye of Horus so that no enemy can deceive him. The fabric is nice but makes him look like a little bitch.
1:34:26 Set pays a visit to his father, Ra, on the spaceship. He tells the old man he wants immortality.
Ra: Immortality awaits us all in the afterlife.
I’m not sure Ra knows what ‘immortality’ means.
1:35:30 Ra would like Set to take over the family job of fighting a cloud and dragging the sun around by a chain. Set has a counter offer: kill his dad with bad CGI.
1:36:51 The gates of hell break open and chaos is spreading. I know this feeling from the time I had a bad burrito.
1:43:38 Bek kills Urshu by knocking him off the lift in the middle of the obelisk. Now we don’t have to wait for the Urshu to drop. [Hey, you try and make a better pun with ‘Urshu’.]
1:44:39 WTF!? The reason Bek and Horus go to the top of the obelisk is to steal Ra’s sword so that Ra (who didn’t completely die [WTF!?]) can defeat Apophis. Yet when Set leaves the sword to attack Bek, Horus could simply grab the sword, but doesn’t. He’s too busy drawing the film out.
1:44:47 Set says he’s tired of Bek, but instead of picking up the mortal and throwing him from the tower, he decides to hold Bek so close that Bek can steal the eye of Horus. WTF!?
1:45:18 WTF!? Bek throws the eye to Horus, who decides to ignore the eye in order to save Bek. But if Horus had chosen the eye, he could’ve got his wings back and still saved Bek. Just like if he’d chosen to pick up the sword of Ra, this movie could’ve ended early and put us out of our misery.
1:46:02 WTF!? Horus decides to turn into a bird and save Bek as they fall from the tower. Apparently the whole ‘Horus can’t fly without both his eyes’ story was a load of Mnevis.
1:46:31 Horus explains the Mnevis shite about needing his eyes to transform.
I believed I needed my eye to transform, but my journey isn’t to seek revenge at all costs.
WTF!? That’s as clear as the Nile after laundry day.
1:47:14 Set and Horus have an ‘epic battle’ stolen from The Egyptian Empire Strikes Back.
1:48:53 Horus kills his brother with the sword of Ra. I hope the film ends as quickly.
1:50:34 Horus delivers Ra his sword, who fights off Apophis so the doors of the afterlife are reopened and Hell is back in business once more.
1:52:18 Either Bek dies from wounds sustained while battling Set, or he fell asleep watching this film like the rest of us.
1:54:01 Ra brings Bek back to life and is so relieved (or so gay) that he doesn’t care Zaya was brought back with him.
1:56:04 All of the gods are brought back with the exception of Hathor, whose sacrifice ended up meaning nothing in the grand scheme of ancient Egypt.
- WTF!?’s: 9 classic ones
- When to Follow: This might work on Saturday morning with a nice fry up as a replacement for cartoons. Don’t watch Gods of Egypt after midday, though, as you’ll turn into a sloth.
- Where’s This Found: Gods of Egypt is a cheap, gold-plated souvenir sold in some Middle Eastern tourist trap. Like the ersatz bracelet Hathor wears, the director hopes we’ll be taken in by the sparkling, superficial layer on the bauble and not scratch any deeper to find there’s nothing of value beneath. Nothing — not the script, not the acting, not the special effects, not the 300/Star Wars rip-offs (or the matte work, which is this movie’s only saving grace) — can elevate this steamy camel turd of a film above the level of normal turds. Out of a possible 10, I have 4 F’s to give.
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