0:01:40 An orc voice-over says there was a time when no one knew what the evil green magic, the fel, had done to them. That makes two of us.
0:02:01 We get our first glimpse of the face we’re going to spend the rest of the film with. Tbh, I’ve seen worse CGI. (I’m looking at you Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre)
Durotan (Toby Kebbell): Our world was dying, and I had to find my clan a new home.
What I like most about this film is the social satire. #homelessness #refugees
0:02:28 Durotan’s wife (Anna Galvin as Draka) is pregnant. Or perhaps it’s a food baby, meaning she ate one.
0:05:08 Gul’dan (Daniel Wu as the leader of the orcs) has created a magic portal for the orcs to escape through so they might cultivate a new world. More social comedy. #IllegalImmigrants
0:05:26 Gul’dan uses the lives of prisoners to fuel the magic portal. He plans to send his strongest warriors through to the new world, where he’ll capture more prisoners to create a new portal for the rest of the orc population. Because, humans are full of gas.
0:09:02 Draka gives birth the moment she lands on the new world (Azeroth). Judging from the way the baby looks, Shrek was the father.
0:09:32 A dwarf gives a gun to a human called Lothar and tells him to return to his land because his garrison was attacked. Btw, the gun is called a ‘boom stick’, and if Americans began using this name, the rest of the world might be more lenient in their attitude towards gun control. “I have my boom stick,” just doesn’t sound as menacing.
0:10:34 Lothar meets a magician (Ben Schnetzer as Khadgar) who, upon examining the body of a fallen soldier, says they must see the King for permission to see the guardian. I still don’t care about what they mean.
0:13:56 In a burst of exposition as fluid and painful as diarrhoea, we’re force fed the knowledge that the King is married to Lothar’s sister, and that Lothar’s son (Burkely Duffield as Callan) is a member of the King’s troops. That’s a lot to digest.
0:14:37 The King (Dominic Cooper as King Llane Wrynn) gives Lothar a blue ring that cost a lot of tickets at Chuck E Cheese’s, so that Lothar and Khadgar the mage can fly to the guardian on the back of a bird-horse. The actor playing the king looks as regal as the cheap ring.
0:21:22 Medivh the Guardian (Ben Foster as a hippy looking chap I’d like under my spell) teleports himself, the young mage and Lothar from his castle to King Wrynn’s throne room, which is actually a set that looks as though it were assembled for the original Star Trek series in 1969.
0:22:47 Lothar takes some troops to try and capture a giant so that they might understand their enemy better. This plan might be better if they had a plan.
0:26:07 Medivh fends off an ambush by surrounding himself with a force field and launching a fel spell that eliminates only the green men, turning the giants / orcs into giant puddles.
[N.B. One can distinguish between the magic used int he film by the colour. Blue = Good magic. Green = Bad/Fel magic.]
0:30:38 The knights capture an escaping orc, but are forced to kill him when he attacks Garona (Paula Patton), a human-orc half breed prisoner copied (even in name!) from Gamora in Guardians of the Galaxy.
0:32:11 King Wrynn promises to grant Garona her freedom if she leads them to the place where the orcs are keeping their countrymen prisoner. She seems more interested in giving Lothar her freedom. #interracial #interspecies
Durotan: Wherever Gul’dan works his magic, the land dies.
So, Gul’dan is a Conservative.
0:39:54 Durotan says that with the humans’ help, they could defeat Gul’dan and save this planet. Told you this was social satire! #ecology
0:45:22 Durotan finds Goran leading Lothar and Khadgar to the orc encampment. He tells her he wants to meet the human chieftain to plot the overthrow of Gul’dan. I don’t see how he can stand working with humans. I know I can’t.
0:51:21 Medivh burns up all of Khadgar’s research on the portal the orcs are building to transport their entire population to Azeroth. He tells Khadgar to protect the king and forget the fel. It seems Medivh fell for the fel.
0:52:46 Khadgar tells Lothar that someone on their side of the portal invited the orcs to invade Azeroth. #GateCrashers
0:54:14 Durotan meets with the humans in a mountain pass with Medivh spying on the scene from on high. Like me, he is above all this.
Durotan [to King Llane Wrynn]: In 2 suns, the humans we have captured will be used to fuel the portal. If you attack our camp and draw his warriors away, Frostwolf clan will kill him.
Well, it looks good on parchment.
1:00:28 A group of green orcs loyal to Gul’dan ambush the meeting. After they kill dozens of humans, Medivh finally decides to intervene and create a wall of blue lightning to block the orcs and permit the humans to escape. Unfortunately, a few stragglers, including Lothar’s son Callan, are trapped on the wrong side of the barrier. And he can’t de-side.
1:01:58 The chief bad orc kills Callan while Lothar looks on. Frankly, judging by how much nicer his armour is than everyone else’s, I’m guessing young Callan got fast-tracked because of his father. As this is the second time in the film he loses a battle in this film, I’m tempted to say he was a walking corpse just waiting to die.
1:03:34 Medivh is spent after all his effort, so he’s taken to his castle and placed in the pool of blue energy. His eyes, however, flash fel green. Khadgar immediately says he has to go, though perhaps he just means to the loo.
1:04:52 Blackhand (Clancy Brown as the sergeant-at-arms) comes to arrest Durotan, who says he’ll go peacefully if Blackhand lets his people be. Blackhand acquiesces.
Draka [to Durotan]: What will I call our son?
‘Bastard’ might be apropos under the circumstances.
1:12:26 Gul’dan reneges on his promise to Orgrim (Robert Kazinsky as Durotan’s number 2), and begins to eradicate the Frostwolf clan (the tribe of which Durotan was chief). Orgrim helps Draka escape with the baby, probably because no one wants babies around anyway.
1:17:12 Medivh changes his blue energy pool to a shade of diarrhoea green with the fel, and then sucks the energy from his friend Moroes. Imho, anyone whose name is ‘Morose’ shouldn’t expect much more from life than that.
1:21:22 While Medivh leads troops to fight the Horde of orcs at the gate, Lothar is put in the cooler because of his hot head. He then confesses his love to Garona because she reminds him of his favourite colour of M&Ms.
1:22:46 Orgrim comes to rescue Durotan, who is now as free as ice in Alaska.
1:24:47 Khadgar then breaks Lothar out of his cell to go and fight Medivh.
1:25:46 Draka, running away from her pursuers, decides to save her infant by floating him down the river in a wicker basket. I had no idea the orcs were Jewish. #Moses
1:26:30 She dies just after but no worries, after she gave birth her character became as useless as Nicolas Cage’s acting coach. #cheapshot
1:26:44 Durotan invokes Mak’gora, a Duel of Honour to rule the tribe. To do this, he must defeat Gul’dan which will be tricky because Gul’dan cheats more than Brad Pitt with a supporting actress.
1:29:12 In the meantime, Lothar and Khadgar pay a visit to Medivh, who is reciting the incantation to open the portal over to near where the Gul’dan and Durotan are battling. Medivh has had his face transfigured by the fel, but he shouldn’t have fel for that.
1:30:49 Gul’dan cheats in his battle by sucking all the white stuff out of Durotan instead of beating him using his hands.
1:32:12 Gul’dan gives the fel to Blackhand so that the war chief might defeat all the ‘smallteeth’ (humans). Fortunately, just as the smallteeth arrive, the entire horde forgets they were about to revolt against Gul’dan (WTF!?). But they’re still revolting.
1:35:17 Gul’dan opens the portal enough to recruit more conscripts from the other world. The humans will want to close the door because of this draft.
1:38:24 Khadgar lures Medivh’s giant golem over a magical trap door and it falls through, landing squarely on Medivh, who is wading in the green fountain. The portal on the other side of Azeroth slams shut as Medivh collapses under the pressure.
1:39:24 Khadgar is exposed to the evil of the fel but, as he’s stronger than Medivh, he’s able to resist its power. In doing so, the fel in the castle is destroyed and Lothar is free to help Llane fight the orcs. This is his battle. Mine is staying awake during this film.
1:40:46 With his dying breath, Medivh reconverts to the good side and opens the portal to Stormwind, the human’s capital. WTF!? Medivh doesn’t need Gul’dan to open the portal between worlds, but not only does Gul’dan need Medivh’s, he also needs to suck souls for the juice to open the gate? The link between Gul’dan and Medivh is explained too much not at all.
1:42:42 The humans free some prisoners and send them through the portal to the safety of Stormwind. There as saved as Christian money.
143:32 When Medivh dies, the door to Stormwind is slammed like the humans are Jehovah’s Witnesses.
1:44:41 Llane wants Garona to kill him before Blackhand can, so that Garona will have the respect of the orcs and can make a pact with the surviving humans. Garona just wants to go home and mate with Lothar.
1:45:22 Garona kills Llane without hesitation, like she’s gutting an old fish.
1:48:32 Lothar arrives to find he his friend the king is dead and that he must fight the evil chieftain who’s been possessed by the evil green magic. Out of the frying pan and into the fire of Hell.
1:50:24 Lothar leaves with the king’s body, knowing his almost girlfriend is responsible for the death [at 1:47:11 he found the knife he’d given Goran in Llane’s neck]. The look on his face says he’s changed his mind about giving Gorana white meat.
1:50:51 Orgrim rips out one of Durotan’s teeth to give to his orphan boy. Will this make the lad a tooth fairy?
1:52:58 At King Llane’s funeral, Lothar promises to defend the sequel.
1:53:54 Durotan’s voice talks to his orphan baby who is still floating down the river. He tells the infant he’ll grow up to be a pain in the sequel.
- WTF!?’s: 5 crafty ones
- When to Follow: When you’re addicted to the video game and want to see what it would look like if you’d lost control.
- Where’s This Found: This film is like the game which inspired it: it’s technically perfect but you need to be a fan to spend more than 10 minutes with it. The impressive special effects can’t add any interest to a story written with a specific population in mind. Out of a possible 10, I have 5 F’s to give.
- What To Feedback:
[N.B. I used the very informative as a research tool for this review]
Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos
Left over GIFs
Left over photos
Prints suitable for reposting!
WTF!? do you meme?
What to Follow Up
Bar None Review
Fernby Films Review
If you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it on Facebook!
It’s the easiest — and nicest! — way to say ‘Thank you’.