WTF: Warcraft (2016)

Warcraft 17 WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly

Warcraft 01 poster WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be toying with Warcraft, examining its shots and playing its roles to determine if it’s game or for losers. So read on only if you’ve already seen Warcraft, or don’t plan to.

Watch WARCRAFT here

Warcraft 02 WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
“I’ll virtually squeeze your sabre.”

0:01:40 An orc voice-over says there was a time when no one knew what the evil green magic, the fel, had done to them. That makes two of us.

0:02:01 We get our first glimpse of the face we’re going to spend the rest of the film with. Tbh, I’ve seen worse CGI. (I’m looking at you Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre)

Warcraft 03 WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
Toothy grin

Durotan (Toby Kebbell): Our world was dying, and I had to find my clan a new home.

What I like most about this film is the social satire. #homelessness #refugees

0:02:28 Durotan’s wife (Anna Galvin as Draka) is pregnant. Or perhaps it’s a food baby, meaning she ate one.

Warcraft 04 SC She's having a baby - for dinner WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
She’s having a baby…for dinner

0:05:08 Gul’dan (Daniel Wu as the leader of the orcs) has created a magic portal for the orcs to escape through so they might cultivate a new world. More social comedy. #IllegalImmigrants

Warcraft 05 SC cinematography Behind the green door WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
Behind the Green Door

0:05:26 Gul’dan uses the lives of prisoners to fuel the magic portal. He plans to send his strongest warriors through to the new world, where he’ll capture more prisoners to create a new portal for the rest of the orc population. Because, humans are full of gas.

0:09:02 Draka gives birth the moment she lands on the new world (Azeroth). Judging from the way the baby looks, Shrek was the father.

Warcraft 06 SC That baby is a handful WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
That baby is a handful

0:09:32 A dwarf gives a gun to a human called Lothar and tells him to return to his land because his garrison was attacked. Btw, the gun is called a ‘boom stick’, and if Americans began using this name, the rest of the world might be more lenient in their attitude towards gun control. “I have my boom stick,” just doesn’t sound as menacing.

Warcraft 07 WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
Drunk shots

0:10:34 Lothar meets a magician (Ben Schnetzer as Khadgar) who, upon examining the body of a fallen soldier, says they must see the King for permission to see the guardian. I still don’t care about what they mean.

Warcraft 08 SC Break like the wind WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
Break like the wind

0:13:56 In a burst of exposition as fluid and painful as diarrhoea, we’re force fed the knowledge that the King is married to Lothar’s sister, and that Lothar’s son (Burkely Duffield as Callan) is a member of the King’s troops. That’s a lot to digest.

0:14:37 The King (Dominic Cooper as King Llane Wrynn) gives Lothar a blue ring that cost a lot of tickets at Chuck E Cheese’s, so that Lothar and Khadgar the mage can fly to the guardian on the back of a bird-horse. The actor playing the king looks as regal as the cheap ring.

Warcraft 09 SC Lothar riding a bird WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
Lothar riding a bird

0:15:52

Warcraft 10 SC cinematography When your castle is a plasma globe WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
When your castle is a plasma globe

0:21:22 Medivh the Guardian (Ben Foster as a hippy looking chap I’d like under my spell) teleports himself, the young mage and Lothar from his castle to King Wrynn’s throne room, which is actually a set that looks as though it were assembled for the original Star Trek series in 1969.

0:22:47 Lothar takes some troops to try and capture a giant so that they might understand their enemy better. This plan might be better if they had a plan.

Warcraft 11 WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
Thrown out of the orc family reunion

0:26:07 Medivh fends off an ambush by surrounding himself with a force field and launching a fel spell that eliminates only the green men, turning the giants / orcs into giant puddles.

[N.B. One can distinguish between the magic used int he film by the colour. Blue = Good magic. Green = Bad/Fel magic.]

Warcraft 12 WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
He’d like to stand for a spell

0:30:38 The knights capture an escaping orc, but are forced to kill him when he attacks Garona (Paula Patton), a human-orc half breed prisoner copied (even in name!) from Gamora in Guardians of the Galaxy.

0:32:11 King Wrynn promises to grant Garona her freedom if she leads them to the place where the orcs are keeping their countrymen prisoner. She seems more interested in giving Lothar her freedom. #interracial #interspecies

Warcraft 13 WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
Once you go green, you won’t want to be seen

0:39:28

Durotan: Wherever Gul’dan works his magic, the land dies.

So, Gul’dan is a Conservative.

0:39:54 Durotan says that with the humans’ help, they could defeat Gul’dan and save this planet. Told you this was social satire! #ecology

Warcraft 14 WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
That belt will help him get a-head

0:45:22 Durotan finds Goran leading Lothar and Khadgar to the orc encampment. He tells her he wants to meet the human chieftain to plot the overthrow of Gul’dan. I don’t see how he can stand working with humans. I know I can’t.

0:51:21 Medivh burns up all of Khadgar’s research on the portal the orcs are building to transport their entire population to Azeroth. He tells Khadgar to protect the king and forget the fel. It seems Medivh fell for the fel.

Warcraft 15 WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
Caught reading Orc’s in Heat

0:52:46 Khadgar tells Lothar that someone on their side of the portal invited the orcs to invade Azeroth. #GateCrashers

0:54:14 Durotan meets with the humans in a mountain pass with Medivh spying on the scene from on high. Like me, he is above all this.

Warcraft 16 WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
Fresh meet

0:55:58

Durotan [to King Llane Wrynn]: In 2 suns, the humans we have captured will be used to fuel the portal. If you attack our camp and draw his warriors away, Frostwolf clan will kill him.

Well, it looks good on parchment. 

1:00:28 A group of green orcs loyal to Gul’dan ambush the meeting. After they kill dozens of humans, Medivh finally decides to intervene and create a wall of blue lightning to block the orcs and permit the humans to escape. Unfortunately, a few stragglers, including Lothar’s son Callan, are trapped on the wrong side of the barrier. And he can’t de-side.

Warcraft 17 WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
They’re blowing their tops

1:01:58 The chief bad orc kills Callan while Lothar looks on. Frankly, judging by how much nicer his armour is than everyone else’s, I’m guessing young Callan got fast-tracked because of his father. As this is the second time in the film he loses a battle in this film, I’m tempted to say he was a walking corpse just waiting to die.

1:03:34 Medivh is spent after all his effort, so he’s taken to his castle and placed in the pool of blue energy. His eyes, however, flash fel green. Khadgar immediately says he has to go, though perhaps he just means to the loo.

Warcraft 18 WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
Khadgar has his head in the clouds

1:04:52 Blackhand (Clancy Brown as the sergeant-at-arms) comes to arrest Durotan, who says he’ll go peacefully if Blackhand lets his people be. Blackhand acquiesces.

Draka [to Durotan]: What will I call our son?

‘Bastard’ might be apropos under the circumstances.

Warcraft 19 WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
“I was going to flush but saw it had eyes.”

1:08:54 

Warcraft 20 GIF A marriage metaphor WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
Marriage: A metaphor

1:12:26 Gul’dan reneges on his promise to Orgrim (Robert Kazinsky as Durotan’s number 2), and begins to eradicate the Frostwolf clan (the tribe of which Durotan was chief). Orgrim helps Draka escape with the baby, probably because no one wants babies around anyway.

1:17:12 Medivh changes his blue energy pool to a shade of diarrhoea green with the fel, and then sucks the energy from his friend Moroes. Imho, anyone whose name is ‘Morose’ shouldn’t expect much more from life than that.

1:21:22 While Medivh leads troops to fight the Horde of orcs at the gate, Lothar is put in the cooler because of his hot head. He then confesses his love to Garona because she reminds him of his favourite colour of M&Ms.

Warcraft 21 WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
Garona hangs out in bars

1:22:46 Orgrim comes to rescue Durotan, who is now as free as ice in Alaska.

1:24:47 Khadgar then breaks Lothar out of his cell to go and fight Medivh.

Warcraft 22 SC 'High' fantasy WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
‘High’ fantasy

1:25:46 Draka, running away from her pursuers, decides to save her infant by floating him down the river in a wicker basket. I had no idea the orcs were Jewish. #Moses

1:26:30 She dies just after but no worries, after she gave birth her character became as useless as Nicolas Cage’s acting coach. #cheapshot

Warcraft 23 SC Has her salad tossed WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
She had her salad tossed

1:26:44 Durotan invokes Mak’gora, a Duel of Honour to rule the tribe. To do this, he must defeat Gul’dan which will be tricky because Gul’dan cheats more than Brad Pitt with a supporting actress.

1:29:12 In the meantime, Lothar and Khadgar pay a visit to Medivh, who is reciting the incantation to open the portal over to near where the Gul’dan and Durotan are battling. Medivh has had his face transfigured by the fel, but he shouldn’t have fel for that.

1:30:49 Gul’dan cheats in his battle by sucking all the white stuff out of Durotan instead of beating him using his hands.

Warcraft 24 SC Like a tube of toothpaste WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
Like a tube of toothpaste #crestfallen

1:32:12 Gul’dan gives the fel to Blackhand so that the war chief might defeat all the ‘smallteeth’ (humans). Fortunately, just as the smallteeth arrive, the entire horde forgets they were about to revolt against Gul’dan (WTF!?). But they’re still revolting.

1:35:17 Gul’dan opens the portal enough to recruit more conscripts from the other world. The humans will want to close the door because of this draft.

1:38:14

Warcraft 25 SC Medivh is getting horny WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
Medivh is getting horny

1:38:24 Khadgar lures Medivh’s giant golem over a magical trap door and it falls through, landing squarely on Medivh, who is wading in the green fountain. The portal on the other side of Azeroth slams shut as Medivh collapses under the pressure.

1:39:24 Khadgar is exposed to the evil of the fel but, as he’s stronger than Medivh, he’s able to resist its power. In doing so, the fel in the castle is destroyed and Lothar is free to help Llane fight the orcs. This is his battle. Mine is staying awake during this film. 

1:40:46 With his dying breath, Medivh reconverts to the good side and opens the portal to Stormwind, the human’s capital. WTF!? Medivh doesn’t need Gul’dan to open the portal between worlds, but not only does Gul’dan need Medivh’s, he also needs to suck souls for the juice to open the gate? The link between Gul’dan and Medivh is explained too much not at all.

Warcraft 26 WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
AA meeting in Russia

1:42:42 The humans free some prisoners and send them through the portal to the safety of Stormwind. There as saved as Christian money.

143:32 When Medivh dies, the door to Stormwind is slammed like the humans are Jehovah’s Witnesses.

1:43:52

Warcraft 27 GIF Blackhand has a crush WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
Blackhand has a crush on a soldier

1:44:41 Llane wants Garona to kill him before Blackhand can, so that Garona will have the respect of the orcs and can make a pact with the surviving humans. Garona just wants to go home and mate with Lothar.

1:45:18

Warcraft 28 GIF When someone makes eyes at bae WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
When someone makes eyes at Bae

1:45:22 Garona kills Llane without hesitation, like she’s gutting an old fish.

1:48:32 Lothar arrives to find he his friend the king is dead and that he must fight the evil chieftain who’s been possessed by the evil green magic. Out of the frying pan and into the fire of Hell.

1:48:42

Warcraft 29 GIF Blackhand is gutted WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
Blackhand is gutted

1:50:24 Lothar leaves with the king’s body, knowing his almost girlfriend is responsible for the death [at 1:47:11 he found the knife he’d given Goran in Llane’s neck]. The look on his face says he’s changed his mind about giving Gorana white meat.

1:50:51 Orgrim rips out one of Durotan’s teeth to give to his orphan boy. Will this make the lad a tooth fairy?

1:51:55

Warcraft 30 SC cinematography Stormwind is more crowded tha then Ladie's loo WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
This city is more crowded than the Ladies’ loo 🚺

1:52:58 At King Llane’s funeral, Lothar promises to defend the sequel.

1:53:54 Durotan’s voice talks to his orphan baby who is still floating down the river. He tells the infant he’ll grow up to be a pain in the sequel.

Warcraft 31 GIF Little green monster WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
His name is ‘Jealousy’ because he’s a little green monster

Roll credits

Tally Ho’

  • WTF!?’s: 5 crafty ones
  • When to Follow: When you’re addicted to the video game and want to see what it would look like if you’d lost control.
  • Where’s This Found: This film is like the game which inspired it: it’s technically  perfect but you need to be a fan to spend more than 10 minutes with it. The impressive special effects can’t add any interest to a story written with a specific population in mind. Out of a possible 10, I have 5 F’s to give.

5 Fs

  • What To Feedback:

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

[N.B. I used the very informative  as a research tool for this review]

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

Left over GIFs

Warcraft 46 Marriage metaphor WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly

Left over photos

Warcraft 32 SC Iron forgery WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
Iron Forgery
Warcraft 33 WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
“I think we’re getting sidetracked.”
Warcraft 34 WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
YFW, you pass wind and then realise there are people behind you
YFW you realise camping means shitting in the woods
YFW you realise camping means shitting in the woods
warcraft-36-wtf-watch-the-film-saint-pauly
Orcs are a pain in the neck
Warcraft 37 WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
“Whoa! That’s what a sword does!? But that’s dangerous!!!”
Warcraft 38 WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly
Her eyes are bigger than my stomach
The pigeon drops bombs
The pigeon drops bombs
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“Your turn to clean up after him.”
"Looks like someone has crashed there for the night."
“Looks like someone has crashed there for the night.”
Durotan's last look before the wolf swallowed him
Durotan’s last look before the wolf swallowed him

Prints suitable for reposting!

WTF!? do you meme?

Warcraft 43 meme Once you go green you won't wat to be seen WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly

warcraft-44-meme-high-fantasy-wtf-watch-the-film-saint-pauly

Warcraft 45 meme Hates living in the sticks WTF Watch The Film Saint Pauly

What to Follow Up

WTF Review

WTF review of Gods of Egypt
WTF review of Gods of Egypt
WYF review of The Fellowship of the Rings
WYF review of The Fellowship of the Rings
WTF review of The Two Towers
WTF review of The Two Towers
WTF review of The Return of the King
WTF review of The Return of the King

Bar None Review

Booze Revooze of the Battle of the Five Armies
Booze Revooze of the Battle of the Five Armies

Fernby Films Review

Fernby Films review of Tarzan
Fernby Films review of Tarzan

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6 thoughts on “WTF: Warcraft (2016)

  1. I admired this film’s attempt to go all Lord Of The RIngs but it spent far too much time with faux battles and convoluted story twists. I have to say, this review is way funnier than the film.

    nice work bro!

    Like

    1. Hallo Rodney!

      Yes, I agree, the film had great aspirations, but unfortunately the source material of a video game is nowhere near as rich as that of a body of work like The Lord of the Rings. In the end, the final product seemed unfulfilled.

      Thanks for the visit!

      WTF!? Rodney (Watch The Film),

      Saint Pauly

      Like

  2. YOu are and idiot, plain an simple. Probably coming from a NON WoW gamer – shut your pie hole if you don’t play the game. You don’t know the lore, and you’re an idiot. oh yes, we are back to that! *grin*

    Like

    1. Hallo person who’s too afraid to leave their name (though if I were as badly raised as you, I would sign everything ‘Anonymous’ as well)!

      Yes, I certainly am an idiot, but at least I’m more intelligent than you as I’m able to distinguish between a video game and a film. As you clearly are not aware of the distinction, allow me to clue you in. A video game is something you play with your mates (or, knowing you, with yourself) online or on a console. A film, on the other hand, is something one sees at the cinema, or at home on a device of one’s choosing. The subject of my article falls into the latter category; thus it is a film and not a video game.

      If one needs to be an expert at the video game to appreciate the film Warcraft, then it’s an even worse film than I thought! I’ve never read any of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, yet I was able to enjoy those films immensely. If this film is simply an extension pack of the game, then it shouldn’t have been released to the public in the first place but shown only at fanboy conferences to a specific population. A tribute video meant only for fans of the game has no place being distributed to cinemas.

      And, finally, yes: I certainly am an idiot, but at least I’m polite and respectful when I disagree with someone’s opinion online. You, my 10-year-old friend, are showing your age.

      WTF, person who’s too afraid to leave their name!?

      Saint Pauly

      PS “shut your pie hole if you don’t play the game.”? Really? Did you learn how to insult in the 19th century?

      Like

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