I shall be celebrating The Star Wars Holiday Special, observing its acts and revelling in its observances to decide if it’s happy holidays or doesn’t have a prayer. So, read on only if you’ve already seen The Star Wars Holiday Special, or don’t want to watch the complete film, included below!
[N.B. Times referenced are from the version above.]
0:02:18 Han Solo and Chewbacca are running from two Star Destroyers. Han says he’s going to turn tail, then flip flops and promises to get Chewie home for “Life Day”. Sounds to me as though Han just didn’t feel like driving.
0:04:21 No crayons were spared in the creation of Chewbacca’s home.
0:04:42 We meet Chewbacca’s father, Itchy, and immediately want to scratch him to make him go away.
0:05:16 We meet Chewbacca’s wife, Malla, and wonder if she’s also his sister.
0:05:18 We meet Chewbacca’s son, Lumpy, and immediately want to ice him.
0:05:28 Now might be the best moment to tell you the Wookiees don’t speak English, but instead make a noise resembling an angry pig with a defective vibrator lodged in his anus.
0:09:43 Lumpy watches a hologram TV programme with miniature, Dr. Seuss-esque characters performing circus tricks. Whatever it is, it’s better than what we’re watching.
0:13:01 Malla does a scan to see if her wayward husband is on his way back, but of course he isn’t. Or perhaps the typewriter attached to the old computer is defective.
0:15:06 Malla calls Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) on a Visio phone that resembles a safe (for secure calls?) to bitch about her husband. Luke brushes her off because he’s in the middle of repairing an engine and his sex change.
0:18:02 Malla decides to call a shop on the “wall screen”. Art Carnie is Saun Dann, the manager of the Trading Post on Wookiee Planet C (dear lord but Wookiees lack imagination). There’s an Imperial Navy trooper shopping there (must be a fetish thing for him), so the manager must speak in code.
I know just why you’re calling. You’re wondering when that shaggy carpet you ordered will arrive at your home. Let me assure you, madam, it’s on its way. You know, it was made especially for you by a little old lady four planets away. She did it all by herself. In fact you might say she did it by hand, solo.
0:21:57 Malla decides her day isn’t bad enough, so she turns on her kitchen telly to witness a Harvey Korman in drag give instructions on how to prepare a Bantha Surprise. A bigger surprise is how there is no narrative arc to this story, but simply random skits designed to make us feel uncomfortable and happy that the world left the 70’s.
0:26:23 Han Solo and Chewbacca must fight off four TIE/LN star fighters, just like we’re fighting off the urge to be sick. Han then berates his hairy friend for wanting to return to his family on Life Day.
Why do I always think that taking you home for Life Day is going to be easy?
A friend in need is not Han Solo.
0:26:46 The “wall screen” alarm sounds and an Imperial officer announces that martial law is in effect because of rebel activity. A blockade had been established and no ships will be permitted to land. Chewbacca’s flight remains up in the air.
0:29:36 Saun Dann arrives and explains that if he can get through the blockade, anyone can. He also has Life Day gifts. For father Itchy, he has a cartridge of Diahann Carroll as Mermeia Holographic Wow giving Wookiee meditation porn for a virtual reality helmet. Now I see how Itchy’s palms got hairy.
Itchy, I thought you might like this. It’s one of those… It’s a real… It’s kind of hard to explain– [Waving his hand in a ‘hot’ gesture] Wow! You know what I mean? Happy Life Day. And I do mean happy Life Day.
0:33:34 Lol. There’s a song interlude of Mermeia Holographic Wow (seriously) singing “This Minute” that might not have been too bad if they hadn’t tried to Star Wars it up with sound effects and sci-fi synthesizers.
Holographic wow: Am found in your eyes only eyes only – I am in your mind as you create me. Ohhh yes… I can feel my creation… [Giggles] I’m getting your message – are you getting mine?”
Itchy: [orgasmic sounding] ARRGGHHHUGHH!
Holographic wow: Oh… oh… we are excited, aren’t we?
0:37:20 Princess Leia calls on the phone safe even though she can’t speak a warble of Wookiee. C-3PO interprets for her, but this interlude serves no other purpose to the story than to demonstrate Carrie Fisher had to be inebriated to do the show.
0:39:38 Apparently all it takes to evade the blockade is to fly straight ahead. The only thing easier than getting past an Imperial front is blowing up a Death Star.
0:40:10 But before our intrepid heroes can arrive, a pair of Stormtroopers and two Imperial officers arrive at the Chewbacca household. Like Chewbacca’s bath, things just got a little hairy.
0:45:24 Saun Dann switches on the gift he gave Malla for one of the Imperial officers. The device is a small stage which plays mini Jefferson Starship concerts in 3D. Starship is widely recognised to have have written the worst song in the history of rock, “We built this city“. Anyone who believes that, hasn’t heard this song.
0:53:16 Lumpy is being a git while the Stormtroopers search the house so Malla sits him in front of what looks to be a mini telly to watch a Star Wars cartoon. One thing this special correctly predicted was how much we’ll watch TV on different screens at home.
0:55:01 Boba Fett makes a cartoon cameo and looks better here than in the films. He’s such an animated character.
0:56:28 I wonder what it’s like for Lumpy to see a cartoon version of his father on the mini telly while he’s waiting for him to return in real life.
0:58:58 Lol, Lumpy screams when he sees the cartoon Darth Vader on his screen, so the Imperial officer approaches. Interesting they have a rebel channel with cartoons for kids mocking a contemporary leader. Maybe we should start a cartoon like this for some current world leaders. And make Ivanka Trump watch it.
1:01:02 WTF!? Cartoon Boba Fett, who is armed and facing two unarmed prisoners, runs away simply because they’ve discovered his secret pact with Darth Vader.
1:05:32 Lumpy assembles the mini transmitter that Saun Dann gave him for Christmas. Harvey Korman represents a character different to that of the cooking show maven. Here he portrays a defective alien instructing us on how to construct the mini transmitter. The SWHS budget is so low they could only afford Harvey Korman and have him play all of the parts. I need proof he’s not also doing Malla and Lumpy.
1:09:26 The Imperial forces who are still occupying Chewbacca’s tree house (and why would something as big as a Wookiee want to live in a tree?), start watching the wall telly, which is broadcasting an episode of “Life on Tatooine”: the universe’s first irreality show.
1:10:28 Bea Arthur (as Ackmena–not the name of a skin condition) is the bartender and her lovelorn patron is…Harvey Korman… as Kroman. The writers’ imagination is as limited as the cast.
1:14:02 The punchline is that the patron is in love with the barmaid because, the last time he was there, she told him, “Come back soon! I’ll be waiting!” Even though she insists she wasn’t sincere, he doesn’t believe her… until he overhears her saying it to another patron. It’s the punchline because it makes me want to punch someone.
1:16:22 WTF!? The Empire imposes a curfew on the Tatooine system, and Ackmena has to beg her customers to leave, but they refuse. This skit is not comedy, not a musical number and not a drama. Can its sole purpose be to show off the costumes so poor they wouldn’t be worn trick or treating in a Christian camp?
1:17:39 Ah, here’s the musical number. I understand why they kept putting it off: Bea Arthur talk/sings almost as badly as William Shatner does with “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” [N.B. If you haven’t heard this version yet…save it for when you’re having a shite day, then come home and unleash all the mighty WTF that is this cover. Trust me, you’ll never hear anything like this again.]
1:22:21 Lumpy uses his mini transmitter to send a fake message to the Imperial officer in his house, recalling the troops. They leave because of course they fall for the trick. Their logic is as good as their aim.
1:24:17 In a burst of bad action, a Stormtrooper discovers the ruse, chases Lumpy out of the house where a returning Chewbacca does nothing to save his son — but Han Solo does. Hmm, maybe Han Solo is Lumpy’s father.
1:26:31 The family reunites for Life Day. The way Wookiees can’t kiss tells me Han Solo is definitely Lumpy’s father.
1:27:44 The wall screen has an announcement for the missing/dead Stormtrooper to call in. Well, this is one special that’s not going down without a fight.
1:28:22 Saun Dann calls the commander on the Wall Screen (and not the safe phone, which is odd), and says the missing Stormtrooper stole food and supplies, then buggered off.
1:29:46 Holding fake candles in eerie lights is one of my favourite Life Day traditions…
1:30:17 …but I prefer the tradition of magically changing into clothes when you’re a nudist species and then you float in space.
1:31:26 Lol! You should hear the ungodly wailing noise of Wookiees attempting to sing in harmony. If you ever catch yourself feeling ridiculous, look back on this scene and reassure yourself you’ve never been as ridiculous as a conglomerate of Wookiees singing Life Day carols.
1:31:51 Leia, Luke and Han arrive out of nowhere, which is ironic because that’s where this show is headed.
[N.B. George Lucas did not permit Carrie Fisher to wear a bra because he claimed bras didn’t exist in space! “He explained that in space you get weightless, and so your flesh expands. What? But your bra doesn’t, so you get strangled by your bra. That’s why I couldn’t wear a bra in the first Star Wars.” (Carrie Fisher, source)]
1:32:39 Leia takes center stage at the base of the Tree of Life and starts singing…in English! I can already hear the Wookiee intellectuals complaining about white appropriation.
1:34:32 WTF!? Now they’re just showing random clips from the film that have nothing to do with this story!?
1:36:51 Roll credits
- WTF!?’s: 12 special ones
- When to Follow: When you want to get into the Christmas spirit and laugh incredulously while doing so. A good watch for a Sunday afternoon, on the condition that everyone watching it knows to keep their sarcasm handy. Do Not Watch this if you are a true fan of the franchise! Seriously, you’ll never be able to look at Star Wars the same way again.
- Where’s This Found: This holiday special is, actually, a Christmas-themed variety special, the kind of which were very popular in the late 70’s in the United States. (Who hasn’t seen the clip of David Bowie singing “Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth” with Bing Crosby from 1977’s Bing Crosby’s Merrie Olde Christmas?) This may explain the special, but does not excuse it. The actors are only half there, the WTF level of most scenes reaches levels rarely seen since Sharknado, and the script was most certainly written on the toilet paper used to collect the ideas. Out of a possible 10, I have 9 F’s to give if it’s based on my perverse enjoyment of the show, and only 1 if it’s based on my appreciation of the oeuvre.
- What To Feedback:
[N.B. I used the very informative Wookieepedia Star Wars Holiday Special article as a research tool for this review]
Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos
Left over photos
Prints suitable for reposting!
WTF!? do you meme?